Small Fic inspired by-
Artist: RED
Song: "Hymn For The Missing"
Am I Living or Dead…
Holding on tight, my finger tips; gripping and hanging on so strongly…My palms shivering as I held on, never letting go. Feeling your body cold, lifeless held up against me. What was I to do? The tears threatened me, straining my eyes. My lips quivered, trying to hold in the pain, I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout, let it all out. The crimson liquid saturated me, it soaked you. Why aren't you breathing, please breathe for me… I need you. Your heart is still beating, but ever so slightly.. Why did this happen… I can't ever forgive myself. I caught you… But I was too late. Don't let me watch you fade Away, I Love you.. Listen to me, please. Wake up, I need to tell you these words that are trapped so deeply inside me.. I gave in, I let my pain be heard, screaming your name.. My voice shaking with the regret that overtook me. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I let them free. Wishing my cries would wake you, praying this was all a nightmare.. but it was too real. It was far too real; I can feel your blood on my hands… You promised me, you promised me you would never leave me… you're breaking it, don't leave me. Trying desperately to find anything or anyone to help, but it's just me and silence.
I tried screaming, but it was ignored.. I'm left here in silence, holding you. Cradling you and you're fading away too quickly.. Hopeless, Fading. Why did I leave it too late to tell you… to tell you how much I Love you. I can't live in this world without knowing I'll see you every day, you're the reason for my existence. I tried to hide it, ignore it but it's far too powerful.. I know you could see right through me. You're not listening, you're blind. I can't think of a world without you, there is no world. Wake up…. Please, I beg you… Why is no one coming, why are you left here for dead? I'm swimming in denial… I can't let this happen, you're not dying… I'll save you, I'll do everything I can to hear your voice, feel your touch.. your smile. Everything I need is in you. I'm slowly breaking down, lower than I have ever been… My body is weak, but I need to save you.
My lips pressed against yours, I breathe into you.. Giving you my life. Giving you my soul… Take it, please. I can see your chest rise, my eyes widen.. But as soon as I stop giving you my breath.. it collapses, don't let this be the last of you. I'm trying… I won't give up… screaming now, I'm hitting your chest, breathe. My clenched fists collide with your chest, my screams echo through the place, bouncing from the walls and floors… But no one comes running… Collapsing onto you, my arms numb and resting on you. My eyes shut softly, tears still falling like a waterfall… I can't control my emotions anymore, there's no reason to…
You always made everything so difficult, so complicated. We were in love with one another but we ignored it, you made it hard for me to come into your world.. you pushed me away. But nothing you ever did kept me from being there for you, I knew you wanted me.. And you knew I wanted and needed you. We were terrible… but we still lived life knowing we had each other's back, no matter what. I was always there for you.. and you were always there for me. You were my Everything… But I was never sure I was your Everything.. it was hard to believe.
How can I ever forgive myself now? How will I ever know I meant something to you, you're fading away.. and I can't bear to live this life without you. If you leave… I'll leave. Picking myself up, I try to give you my breath, I need you to breathe. I need you. I've had to deal with this too many times now, you'd think I'd be used to it… but this time… I can feel you vanishing…
I sat there, my hands rested on your chest. I look down at you.. Your face so peaceful. The tears in my eyes freeze. I sat frozen. Looking at your lifeless body… I closed my eyes softly, praying I'd see your beautiful eyes again, feel your warmth as you wrap your arms around me, hear your soothing voice, and witness your breathtaking smile. All the things I took for granted… All the things I once believed I could live without.. I was kidding myself; I was in Denial that I needed you. I hated myself for thinking those things… I sometimes wished you were harmed and bruised for the things you'd do to me, the lies.. the unspoken words. You did your best to get out of any confrontation about our past. I got so fed up with you, I hate you… But I could never let these strong feelings disappear; you are too perfect for me.
I can't control myself anymore, how can I pull myself together. I know I can't. I'm broken as I sit here beside you.. You're gone. My heart is barely beating anymore… it's in rhythm with yours, so slow. My hands still clasped on your chest, I rest beside you…Holding you. My eyes shut, I'll just lay with you…
The sudden rise of your chest, my hand shook.. my eyes open swiftly… Are you awake? My heart skipped a beat, I could see your eyes open, the curves of your lips.. your warmth, you're alive… Am I dreaming? Please don't let this be a dream… I don't want to wake up… Don't wake me up. I don't ever want to be awakened… this is all a dream, leave me alone. I didn't know what was happening, but your hand was now on mine… your smile made me melt… I can't speak, my mouth and throat is so dry and sore from the screaming I unbound. I opened my mouth, but nothing could escape.. Let me speak, please! I felt lost, confused and overwhelmed… I can't handle this, I want this to be real… is this happening. Your hand clenching mine, holding tightly… My heart screamed for you… But I couldn't let it free… Don't let this be a dream…
You said my name, my heart almost jumped out of my chest as the words escaped your lips.. I needed to hear it again; I needed to know this wasn't a dream…. My hand was now on your face, cupping your cheek into my hand.. You're so warm. I still couldn't speak… I wanted to badly to tell you…
My name was called out again, the words felt so real, my eyes open again… I see you beside me, you're cold… Lifeless… It was all a dream, my eyes filled with tears… my heart was scattered into a million pieces, broken. Clenching into your shirt, I pulled at it, shaking you as much as I could… you were gone. Two hands grabbed me from behind, gripping my waist, pulling me away from you… I held onto you as tightly as I could, I wasn't leaving you… I was soon holding onto you again, embracing you. Screaming… This was not happening, I was in denial.. I wasn't going to believe it… I knew this wasn't the end… It wasn't…
Your body moved, jerked. You started to breathe. I didn't know what to believe anymore, was I dreaming again? I can't deal with this again.. Please stop torturing me, hurting me. I can't bear this anymore, my heart isn't strong enough. Your eyes so intense, your face so sore and injured… I needed to know if this was real, I can't awake again and find you've left me…that you're gone. I could never just turn away and let you go… I finally managed to let words free, as tears slowly left my tired eyes…
"I Love you.."
It was hard to let the words out, I struggled.. I never imagined I'd ever let those words slip.. But I needed to let you know.. How much I loved you, I could still feel the lump in my throat; the lump of remorse. How much I hated myself for letting this happen… it will never fade. I could barely breathe after letting the words free, I watched you so closely, I could see the small tears attacking your eyes.. So desperate to fall.. You smiled, licking your sore and dried lips, almost gasping for air…
"I love you too, Fi"