TRIGGER WARNING: MILD DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM. If you get triggered by this in any way, please DON'T read.
Mariana's hand grazed her waist with the dull razor blade, she gasped for air as blood seeped from the damaged skin. She cringes, and grasps the towel next to her, pressing it on the self inflicted wound. Mariana swiped the razor blade against another section of skin, and pressed the towel to it. Her hand slipped, causing her to cut a deeper and nastier cut below her abdomen. Her hand reached to pick up the fallen razor blade, but her shaking hands made her drop it again. The pain in her abdomen increased, causing her to forget the razor blade for the moment. As she breathed short rapid breaths, she pressed the towel to the numerous wounds on her abdomen.
If Jesus was here, he would stop this…
Mariana grits her teeth, removing the towel, and taking some antiseptic cream from the cabinet. Applying was the worst part, or as it seemed to her. Mariana bandaged the cuts up, and rinsed off the fallen razor blade, and placed it back underneath the cabinet. Her eyes fell upon the towel that laid on top of the counter. She grabbed it, and, as she had many times before, rinsed it with cold water, scrubbing at the red stain. Soon, the towel was clean, so she hung the towel up on the towel rack. She exited the bathroom, hoping not to disturb Callie, and slipped into bed. Her eyes watered, and glanced at the clock next to the bed. 2:20 AM
Grasping for her phone, she opened up her messages and typed a quick text to her twin. I miss you.
Her thumb hovered over the send button, and with a sigh, she locked her phone, leaving the message unsent.
/
"I'm so glad you're home." Mariana told him, hugging him tight. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, Mariana. So much." Jesus said, pulling her in tighter. Mariana winced, causing Jesus to lessen his grip, and pull away to look at her. "Are you okay?" Jesus furrowed his brow in confusion. She had never winced when he hugged her before.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just fell the other day, and I have a nasty bruise from it." Mariana lied, brushing it off.
Jesus raised an eyebrow at her, but decided to go with it for now. "Okay, if you're sure."
Jesus didn't let it go for the rest of the night. The way her body felt against his, the way she had winced, it just didn't feel right, and his twin-stincts were flaring. Call it big brothers intuition (even if they aren't but 5 minutes apart), or a twin power he has picked up over the years, but he knew something was up. He just didn't know what it was yet.
/
Her gaze was fixed on the floor as his is fixed on her. She looked up, only to look back down again. Jesus felt so out of the loop. Why was she acting like this? It was strange, and he couldn't understand why.
Later that day, he approached his Moms.
"Hey, Moms? I just was wondering if you have noticed anything strange going on with Mariana lately…?" Jesus questioned, both mothers looked at each other with a worried gaze.
"She has been kind of off ever since you left, honey." Lena told him. "She was doing okay at first, but as time went on, she seemed to get worse. I'm not sure what to tell you, love." Stef added.
"I should probably talk to her." Jesus admitted. Stef and Lena both nodded.
"I think that would be a good idea, love." Stef told him, and put her hand on his shoulder. "I can assume it was hard on her with her twin going so far away for so long."
Jesus pressed his lips together in thought, hugging his Moms quickly, retreating up the stairs in search of Mariana.
"Well, at least one of our kids turned out okay." Stef said to Lena, which prompted her to roll her eyes.
"I was sceptical, but I think boarding school was good for him… He might have made a few bad decisions while he was there, but look how good he is now!" Lena remarked, smiling to Stef.
"You're right, Lena. He is definitely grown up, more ways than one. Maybe we should send all our kids to boarding school for a little while." Stef laughed, taking a sip of her coffee.
"Don't give the kids any ideas." Lena joked, Stef sat her coffee down, and kissed Lena. "Wouldn't dream of it."
/
As Jesus ascended the stairs, his mind cluttered with thoughts of what could be wrong with his twin. He entered her room without knocking.
"Mariana, I think we need to-" Jesus froze. His eyes fixed on her shirt, which had a large stain of blood on the abdomen of her shirt. It seemed like too much to be considered normal.
"Mari-Mari what-why-" Jesus stuttered out, and stepped forward a bit.
"Jesus, don't you know how to knock?" Mariana quipped. In a normal situation, Jesus would be very amused.
Her posture was somewhat a mixture of annoyed and afraid. Jesus couldn't help but stare at her,
"Mariana, why is there… blood on your shirt?" Jesus asks, and Mariana glanced down, and winces.
"Oh uhm, no reason." Mariana says, "What did you want?"
Jesus walked around anxiously. "I wanted to talk about why you have been acting so strange."
"What do you mean strange? I haven't been acting strange." Mariana (unconvincingly) defended herself.
"Oh really? Well Moms and I would disagree." Jesus informed her, stopping in his tracks. Their gazes locked.
"You brought Moms into this? Why?" Mariana was getting agitated now.
"Why are you so worried about Moms getting involved?" Jesus taunted, "Why does it matter if "nothing is going on"?"
"It doesn't." Mariana repeats, shifting her eyes away from his.
"Oh yeah? Then you wouldn't mind showing me what is causing that blood on your shirt, would you?" Jesus countered, adding a slight smirk.
"Jesus, I mean it-" Mariana stuttered worriedly.
"Mariana, let's end this." Jesus said. "Take your shirt off."
"Wh-what?" Mariana protested.
"You heard me. Take. It. Off." Jesus commanded, raising his brow in a way that made Mariana cringe in worry for how serious he was.
"Jesus, I'm not taking off my shirt for you. You're my brother. That's sick." Mariana averted.
"Mariana, seriously. We can just do this the easy way, and you just tell me what is going on, or you could take your shirt off and I could see for myself." Jesus said formally.
"Jesus, please-" Mariana begged. "You wouldn't understand, just, please, leave it alone." Mariana told her twin. Jesus' face softened.
"Mari, whatever it is, we can get through it, together." Jesus tells her, coming close to her. "Just like we've always done."
"Jesus, it's bad…" Mariana says, tears coming to her eyes.
"Nothing can ever be too bad that you can't tell me about it." Jesus told her. Mariana walked anxiously around the room.
"No, you're going to hate me." Mariana says, "I hate me."
"Mari, no, I would never hate you. I couldn't. Please believe me." He told her, trying to convince her otherwise.
"No, no, I can't" Mariana says, shaking her head.
"Mari, listen to me," Jesus caught her attention, coming closer so that he can reach out and put his arms on her shoulders. "I love you. I will always love you. Please," Jesus begged her. Mariana looked at him, and saw the genuinity in his eyes.
"Do you promise…?" Mariana says, and Jesus nods furiously.
"Of course. I promise." He tells her.
"O-Okay." Mariana relents, and sits down on her bed. Slowly, she raised her shirt, and pulled it off of her body. A bandage was wrapped around her waist, and she slowly unwrapped it, leaving a very panicked Jesus.
"Oh my god, Mari." Was all he could muster out as he cupped his hands around his mouth. "Why...Why would you do this to yourself?"
Mariana looked down guiltily, her body shook with anxious tremors. Her eyes filled with tears. She paused for a long while before speaking, "You weren't there to stop me."
/
She did this because of me. How could I be such a bad brother? This is all my fault.
Jesus held his hand over his mouth as he examined the scars on his twin. He couldn't comprehend his Mariana doing something like this. He wished she would have talked to him. He wished he could have helped her (before it had to get this far).
Jesus pulled his twin into a hug as she sobbed into his chest. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." she kept whispering repeatedly, her voice cracking from the sobs breaking through the base of her throat. Jesus cradled her, his hand coming up to hold the back of her head, pulling her frail body up into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, and buried his face into her hair.
"It'll be okay, Mari. Everything will be okay." Jesus whispered gently into her hair, just loud enough for her to hear. "Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.." He repeated.
He wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, her or himself.
/
"Moms, I need to talk to you about something…" Jesus says, sitting down at the table in front of them. "It's about Mariana." He specifies, biting his lip nervously.
"What is it, love?" Stef asks, glancing at Lena through the corner of her eye, sipping on her signature mug of coffee.
"Mariana.. She has been self harming." Jesus told them, looking down. "I just found out last night, and I'm really worried about her. She needs help, and I can't help her alone."
"Jesus… How bad is it?" Lena asked, her eyes filled with worry. She knew he wouldn't joke about something like this.
"It's bad, Mama. It's really bad." Jesus said, tears spilling out of his eyes. Stef and Lena move to engulf him into a hug.
"It's going to be okay, sweetie. Everything is going to be okay." Lena whispered, while Stef stroked his hair. "It's going to be okay, Zeus. It will be okay."
/
"Mariana, we need to talk." Stef knocks on her door, Lena beside her.
"Yes, Moms?" Mariana says, looking up from her computer, and closes is it, focusing on them.
"We want you to know that we love you very much, do you know that?" Lena says, sitting down next to Mariana on her right. Stef follows sitting on her left.
"Of course, Moms. I know." Mariana says. "Of course I know that."
"We know, baby. We know about what has been happening with you." Stef says, taking her hand. "You have to know that we love you very much, and that we'll be here for you through this."
Mariana turned to Stef, and stuttered out a reply. "You-you know? Bu-but Jesus promised…"
"Honey, you have to know that your brother came to us in tears. He didn't want to betray your trust, but he didn't know what else to do." Lena told her, taking her other hand. "He is scared out of his mind. You mean so much to him. More than you'll ever know."
"He promised we would do this together." Mariana cried, tears pouring out of her eyes. "He promised."
"He had no choice, baby." Stef told her, "He thought you would do so much worse."
Mariana let out a sob, and shook her head furiously. "I wouldn't have done that Mama, I wouldn't have."
"You don't know that, baby. You don't know that." Stef said, "He is so worried about you. You're his whole world."
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Mariana cries. "I'm so sorry."
"It's going to be okay, Mariana. Everything is going to be okay." Stef said. "We'll get you some help, we can get through this together." Stef and Lena move to hug their daughter, wrapping their arms around her.
"Is Jesus mad at me?" Mariana asked suddenly, both Moms looked at her in sync and said "No, of course not."
/
Jesus took Mariana's hand and looked at her. "You ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess." Mariana says, gripping his hand tighter. "Will you walk me to class?"
"Of course." Jesus says. "If you need me, call me, okay?"
"Okay. I will." Mariana says, and leaned in quickly to hug him. "I'll see you later?"
"Of course." Jesus repeated, planting a kiss on her cheek.
Mariana and Jesus walked into the school, Jesus leading Mariana by the hand.
Everything will be okay.
/
Jesus woke with a start, breathing heavily. His eyes search for the clock in the darkness.
2:20 AM.
He sighed slightly, rubbing his face with the palm of his hand. The nightmare had been bad tonight. Worse than usual.
His feet met the floor before his mind could register what he was doing. He made his way out of his and Jude's room, and down the hallway into Mariana and Callie's. He bit his lip as he opened the door slightly, catching a glimpse of his twin. He sighed, and laid his head on the door frame.
His sister rolled over, and their eyes met. She seemed to always know when he was in a certain distress.
"Jesus?" Mariana whispered through the dark room, and Jesus nodded, even though she probably couldn't see him.
"Yeah. It's me." Jesus spoke quietly, yet loud enough so that she could hear him.
Mariana sleepily spoke. "C'mere," she moved over, making a space for him to lay down beside her.
Jesus gave in easily, laying down next to her. Mariana wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest. "Another nightmare?"
"Yeah," Jesus replied, his arm under Mariana and around her shoulder.
"Everything will be okay." Mariana told him, closing her eyes. Jesus was taken aback, remembering saying the exact statement to her only a few months ago.
Everything will be okay... He sure hoped she was right.
/ END /