Reflections
Standing in front of the window, glass of scotch in hand, he stared unmoving as the drops of rain trickled down the glass pane. He watched mesmerized as one particular drop began a path alone and then merged quickly with another directly below. The two became one and continued to create a very clear path down the pane until he lost sight of it. Turning his attention to another raindrop he watched as it began its own path toward a spot where several drops had converged and held. As the single drop finally reached the others, its unimpeded force caused them all to come crashing down chaotically. Watching the two very different paths the raindrops had taken he marveled at the likeness between them and the path his own life had taken. Looking back over the past few months he could clearly see the overgrown and rocky path he chose as it paralleled the clear path he knew he should have stayed on.
He couldn't put his finger on the exact moment that she became his lifeline, but he could clearly see the moment he walked away from her. He forced her to make the decision as to what they would do and then did not fight her decision. If she had only given him something to hang on to; some idea of what she was going through. Yet, even as the thought crossed his mind he laughed cynically. He knew without a doubt that she did tell him; he was just too wrapped up in himself to see what she wasn't saying. He also knew that at that time, with all the chaos of his life, he would not have chosen to do anything any differently. So he simply gave in to the woman he knew she was and accepted what he felt was the inevitable.
He knew her well enough to know that she would have done anything to make the situation better for him; easier for him to bear. She did what she could to make it better for the one who had been lying in the hospital. It was her way to always put the needs of everyone else before her own. At least that was who she had been when he knew her… when their bond was seemingly unbreakable. She was different now. He didn't recognize the woman she was now. Somehow she had changed. Or did he?
Opening the balcony door, he stepped out and was immediately drenched in a downpour of rain. He didn't care though. He needed the rain to wash away the chaos, to cleanse his mind of all the cobwebs that were dulling his senses. With every drop of rain that fell the lies he told himself began to wash away. He had allowed himself to become weak. He no longer recognized the man he saw in the mirror every morning. The simple task of shaving became unbearable because it meant he had to stand there under the scrutiny of the reflection in the mirror. Mirrors were windows of truth; it was impossible for them to lie.
One by one he began to play over in his mind every moment the two of them shared together; every moment since they began to share their souls with one another. And moment-by-moment he began to see the torment she endured at his hands. Closing his eyes, he begged his mind to remember the silent conversations they shared within the depth of their eyes. He begged his heart to remember every emotion she revealed to him through her eyes. He begged his soul to remember her touch. Leaning against the railing of the balcony, reeling from the truth he finally allowed himself to see, he called out into the darkness wishing she could hear him. "I need you."
Straightening, he realized the rain had stopped. It rained just long enough to wash away the waste he carried with him daily. Turning he stepped back inside and caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and smiled to himself as he recognized the man in the mirror for the first time in a long time. Taking his cell phone from his pocket he called for his car to be brought around.
Arriving at his destination, he knocked on her door and patiently waited. Hearing her footsteps he smiled hopefully as she opened the door.
"I need a friend to talk to. I lost someone that we both cared a great deal about and I think I've found him again. Can we sit down and talk for awhile?"
She didn't turn him away. He knew she wouldn't. Not this time.
"Come on in."
Hearing the door close behind him he turned and spoke the truth for the first time in a long time.
"I've missed you, Alexis. I've missed my friend."
"I've missed you too, Sonny."