I was always a little bit difficult angel. Always tried so hard to be ideal, to follow all the rules, to discourage other brothers and sisters from disobeying orders. Gabriel always complained that I was "kill joy". In some way it's ironic, just hysteric how everything turns out in the end. Me, becoming a traitor, monster, being no better than one of those Horsemen of Apocalypse. I brought so much pain; I left a red wine colored carpet behind me, consisted of corpses everywhere I went. And the funny thing (yes, now I'm not lacking a sense of humor, even if it's quite dark and more like a sarcasm) is that I'm not so sure that it will ever stop. Maybe I'm just cursed to spread chaos. Every time I try to fix something (mostly my own mistakes) I make it even worse. From time to time I just wonder maybe I shouldn't even bother? It probably couldn't turn out worse without my foolish acts.

You know I can understand it now, all those silly human suicide attempts. I always was so confused why people would want to end this incredible gift that Father gave them: life. I always thought about nature's beauty, some amazing structures, buildings, pyramids, waterfalls, movies, music. I thought how you, fool, can possibly wish to die when there are so many things you haven't seen yet. Now I get it. It's the easiest, cowardly way out. Only for people it's not exactly the end. Purgatory, Heaven…Hell. But for angels… It's a tempting prospect. The possibility I don't deserve.

I'm just so alone. In all my life I've never thought that one day I'd say it. With all the sisters and brothers always near, speaking, shouting and laughing; with Dean and Sam by my side… But it's really quite lonely sometimes. Metatron was caught, Heaven's now in rebuilding. A lot of things to do, a lot to think about…

You know I miss it, old days. I know, it's rather annoying, everyone keeps saying about how it was good before: water was cleaner, grass was greener, sun more yellowish, clouds more fluffy. Maybe they were. What I miss the most is a company of people who cares, and more important who understands. Heh, angels… Powerful creatures. But everyone completely ignores or just don't bother that we also could have some feelings. They just assume that we are Father's silly puppets, emotionless robots without own head on the shoulders. I don't mean that we need some slipovers and little chit-chats about "what some celebrity wore to the Oscar". But sometimes it's good to have someone who you can come to and just talk or don't. With whom you can… It's difficult to describe, but sometimes just a presence of a close good friend can be enough to relive a burden from your shoulders, to give you strength to move on. And I'm grateful to Winchester brothers, I'm truly am. But they have their own problems, life… I can't just fly by and say "Hey, Sam, can you give me a moment? I want to tell you how miserable I am". He'd probably tell me to go away. If I come with such a problem to Dean…Before he would just snap at me and called a child. Now…it's complicated. I should've been there, I should've stopped him, prevented it. Another friend that I failed. One of the most important.

I miss old days. I know I now sound like a broken record, but it's true. I miss those times I spend with my brothers and sisters before the Apocalypse and Winchester. I've never told Sam…or Dean about my past. He, they never asked.

Gabriel always joked that I had a little fan club there in Heaven. Inias was one of the… His behavior was fascinating. He always looked at me with his big eyes like at some Supeman. I've never really understood why. I was so ordinary, and there he was, always sitting at my feet and begging me to tell more about my heroic deeds, my days, anything. Gabe joked that the kid got a little crush on me. Inias always flushed trying stridently to deny it.

Gabriel… He always patronized me. He joked, pranked, insulted…but not in a bad way. Gabriel was a good friend. Sometimes lazy or childish, but real. He was always by my side. He always knew what to say when I was angry or desperate. He was a touchy one little fella. Clap on the back, fast hug, one time he even climbed on my back, arms over my neck and demanded me to carry him. Gabriel was like a…hurricane. Short and full of candies.

Samandriel, Anna, Ezikiel… They were all good friends of mine. Honest, kind, supportive…

And also there was Balthazar.

I never really understood him. Balthazar. He was…everything I wasn't. Funny, smart, with a heartwarming smile. He always gather a little crowd around him. Maybe it was his charm or charisma. It didn't matter were they angels or humans, they were all attracted to Balthazar like moths to a light. And there was me, awkward, unsure of himself shy angel. Balthazar could spend his time with anyone, but he chose me. It was a strange relationship from the start. Balthazar was a…Casanova and a lit bit rebellious and arrogant sometimes. And I was an angel who always do what he was told to do. But despite everything it was quite comfortable to just sit near my brother. It was how our relationships started. One day I was sitting by myself, away from everyone else just thinking about…stuff. And Balthazar…he just popped out from nowhere, sat near me in silence and stayed.

My dear brother, my good old friend… He was just like Prince Charming that came from the pages of some girlish fairy tale. Well except from my brothers constant sexual jokes and misbehavior sometimes. He was no saint I knew it from the start. Everyone knew. And no one seemed to care. It didn't matter how righteous I was, I wanted Balthazar near me. I was selfish I knew it, but I wanted him by my side, close to me for as long as possible, forever.

After his stupid theatrical, well played death I was devastated, and I even… When he appeared with his cocky smile, silly nonsense he was saying, jokes… I mean now and even then I could understand his reasons, why he did what he did. Sometimes I also feel so tired with this entire struggle. Why? What for? But I just…I could never understand how he could just leave. Me.

If there is one thing in this world I like the most it's fairy tales. I like how they begin. They tell you some heartbreaking story, how main character ended up alone, fooled, broken. But every freaking time something happens, something good, some miracle. And there you see main character. He's happy, in love, needed. And then you look at your life and pray to give anything to also be in such a story. You wish upon a star, or do something even sillier. And wait, and wait, and wait. But nothing happens. And you're still where you are. Lost and alone.