Welcome, welcome! One and all? Oh wait, no just one. Well, welcome nonetheless! It's good to see you in such good health, well actually I guess it's just good to see you period hm? Yes. Not like poor Putchard over there. Poor fellow's been blind as a bat ever since the incident. Well never mind him, welcome! Come now, have a seat. Anywhere is fine. Oh no, not there. Or… there really. Or… there. Right there that one's just fine, best seat in the house too! What's this, you can't reach the seat? Nonsense my dear you're quite old enough to sit at the big person table, heavens knows you can never be too young that's for sure. Regardless come now, I'll lift you up if you're really so finicky about it.
There now, is that better? Would you like some tea? Of course you would, who doesn't want it? Tea is the drink of the gods I'll have you know. If gods could drink, I mean. Mhm, here you go miss. What do you mean there is none in your cup, I just poured you some. My dear I do believe that you need your head checked, you may have a few loose screws. I'd give you a driver for that but I seem to have misplaced mine. Good sir, do you have a spare? Oh, he appears to have lost his as well. Well now this won't do, one simply cannot function without a good club. What's this you say? You're good? Lovely, I'm glad you got that issue cleared up all on your own.
Now, what's this? We're out of tea?! Nonsense, I just refilled this blasted cup… What's the use of brewing tea in the first place if my one and only guest drinks it all up? Hm dear, oh I said nothing, continue your business, enjoy your tea. You better enjoy it your ungrateful wench. Hm, what's the occasion? Why, it's the best type of oc-ah-shun, a birthday! Who's birthday? Mine of course! And yours! And Putchard! And even this good sir's!
You're confused. My dear, it's called an un-birthday. Say it with me, un…birth…day. Very good, it's good to see you catch on so quickly! Yes well, this is most certainly my favorite holiday that were to ever exist, because there are (count them yourself) 364 of them each and every year! You're still confused? My this one does not catch on fast at all. You see a birthday celebrates your day of birth, it's in the name. Your unbirthday celebrates you're not birthday! Un does mean not you know. And that's the very beauty of it. An un-birthday can be celebrated nearly every day of the year! And you know what that means! Tea and cake for everyone!
Now wait a minute, we're all out of tea?! And what my dear, you say I've already addressed this subject before? Nonsense. Don't try and distract me, we have a crisis on our hands here. Putchard write this down! What! You're left-handed and therefore cannot right anything? Oh toad warts, this is quite the dilemma. What is cake without tea? I suppose it is still cake, but not very good cake at all! NO, we'll just have to do without it. Oh whoa as us! What a very un-merry birthday it is indeed. And I truly believed that this would be the best one we had so far!
The team was brewed to perfection… the cake cooked at exactly -40 degrees farenheit for 16 seconds… And we even had a new guest! Oh whoa as me, I do feel quite light-headed now. I believe I might have to retire, for my head is so troubled with this dilemma. Mayhaps I can brew some new tea while I rest. What's that? You claim it is quite dangerous to leave a kettle unattended? My dear, who in their right mind makes tea in a kettle anymore? My, this one is quite stupid. Tea is made in a great big cauldron! Yes, only the finest TEAcher can make truly good tea, for only they know how to TEAse the brew into a truly divine TEA. What is tea made of, you ask, that it must be teased? Why Cragglepop TEArs of course, 10 heaping TEAspoonfulls of them. And of course, the TEAsel. One cannot forget the teasel, lest the tea taste quite a bit like dishwater. Yuck, I can taste it now. Probably because I forgot the teasel in that last batch.
Oh tsk tsk what a bother, I told Dorothy to go run a get some and yet where is she? Probably sleeping in the sugar as usual. Mind checking dearie? Ha, I knew that patetic dormouse would be there. What a bother, always shedding fur all over the tea like that. Putchard may be fine with that, I am most certainly not. Oh dear, look at the time! It appears I really must be going. I have a court date to attend to, and I believe I might need more than by manly charm to woo her. What? You claim that is not what a court date is? Well I say! Never in my life have I met a child as ignorant as you! God bless you dear, hopefully you'll be able to find that driver and fix your thinking cap one day. Maybe then you'll finally apologize for drinking all of my tea. But farewell for now!
Oo0oO
A/N: Just a bit of nonsense I wrote after finally reading the original version of Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking-Glass". It's a lot shorter (and weirder) than some of my other works, but I decided to put this out there just because.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or aspects of Alice in Wonderland.