A/N: More crack! for your enjoyment! This time with Bleach! Idea courtesy of Lady Salazar, who should not be let near my crack!Muse.
Warnings:Not brainsafe. Lots of boob jokes, some bad puns, and a horrible attempt at wry humor. Not meant to be taken seriously!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, which is the intellectual ©Kubo Tite.
Ken-chan!
When Ichigo regained consciousness, he couldn't help but feel something was…not right. He figured it out rather quickly, when he realized that his face was currently pressed against a rather well endowed chest. '…what?' he thought to himself in confusion.
"Enjoying the view, Ichigo?" Came a rough contralto voice from above, and Ichigo froze in mortal terror.
Now, don't get him wrong, having his face squished between two fine specimens of female anatomy is more than fine by him; in fact, he was well acquainted with the process of booby-sandwiches, what with knowing Orihime, Yoruichi, Rangiku, Nel… Anyway, it was this particular pair, that really made him confused and horrified.
Leaping back as fast, and far, as he could, he was met with the mostfrightening thing he had ever seen…
Ever.
Standing there in all her shinigami glory, was Zaraki Kenpachi.
Ichigo almost fainted again.
He lost it instead.
"Wh-what the fuck!?" He screamed, pointing at the creature who was currently standing there with a dangerous grin on her face.
"Ya ain't got a problem with it, do ya, Ichigo?" she growled menacingly, and Ichigo frantically shook his head. "Good. 'Cuz, I don't got any idea how the fuck this happened. Probably some damned twelfth division experiment, or some shit like that…" Kenpachi trailed off, face turning frustrated as she tried to think of what might possibly have been the cause.
"H-how long was I out?" Ichigo asked, feeling a bit lightheaded.
She shrugged, and Ichigo couldn't help but watch the way that theybounced. He then shuddered when he remembered just who this was. "I dunno. Maybe 'bout ten minutes."
Ichigo had a headache now from looking at her, and had to resist the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose as he said, "And what are you going to do now?"
"Well, what the hell am I supposed to do, ya little shit? I ain't heard o' nothing like this before, and trust me, when ya've lived in the lower divisions of the Rukongai, ya hear some prettyweird shit. Like, this one time, this guy decided it was a good idea to fu-"
"Alright,alright, I get it!" Ichigo yelled, covering his ears with his hands. He really didn't want to know.
He heard Kenpachi chuckle at his expense, and was just about to retort when the cheerful voice of a little girl broke in.
"Ken-chan!"
"Yeah, wha'dya want, brat?" Came the immediate reply.
"Oh!" And Ichigo had to look at the surprise in that voice, and he saw Yachiru staring up at the new Kenpachi. A confused look crossed her face as she tilted her head cutely and asked, "What did Beri-chan do to you, Ken-chan?"
"He ain't done nothin', Yachiru. Somethin' else did."
"Really? Who?"
"No clue."
Yachiru contemplated this for a minute, before lightly leaping up to her normal place on hi-her back with a bright, "Okay!"
"Ya ain't got a problem with that?" Kenpachi asked dubiously.
"Ken-chan is Ken-chan!" Was the reply.
Ichigo watched all of this with a kind of incredulous silence.
Kenpachi shrugged. "Well, why are ya here, brat?"
"Ummm…" Yachiru looked up as she tried to remember, one finger pressed cutely to her lower lip. "I think Baldy sent me to find you… but I can't remember!" She beamed down happily at the disgruntled looking woman.
With a sigh, Kenpachi grumbled, "Alrigh', we'll go figure out what those two idiots want." Ichigo took this as his cue to leave, but a large hand grabbed the back of his haori and a growled "Ya're comin' with." left him with very few options.
---
It was rather comical when they reached the Eleventh Division headquarters. Left and right, heads turned in their direction, jaws falling slack and eyes widening to the size of dinner plates. However, it was when they reached Kenpachi's office, that thingsreally began to get funny for Ichigo.
Kenpachi slammed her way in, just like she would have done on any other normal day, and Ikkaku and Yumichika were both there… and neither looked up at their entrance. Ikkaku appeared to be working on some paperwork, while Yumichika was sipping tea and flipping through some magazines.
"Hey, boss," Ikkaku drawled, scratching his eyebrow- or at least, where it would have been, had he had eyebrows- with the handle of the ink brush.
"Ya sent the brat for me?" she asked gruffly.
Ikkaku opened his mouth to reply, only both seated officers paused in what they were doing- the fact that Kenpachi's voice was an octave higher finally registering. Their eyes slowly slid up to the Eleventh Division Captain, and locked onto her new form in stunned silence. Neither seemed to know what to say.
"Ken-chan has boobies!" Yachiru supplied into the silence happily.
As if they hadn't noticed.
Yumichika choked mid-swallow and Ikkaku dropped the brush, ink leaving a dark stain where it fell. Ichigo was beating down the urge to burst out laughing, though he felt the surreal tone of the situation as well.
A female Zaraki Kenpachi… what were the gods thinking!?
To be fair, she wasn't exactly ugly. It was just, with the numerous scars that she customarily showed off and the liberty spike hairstyle she wore, she was rather… striking- especially with the amount of cleavage she was now showing. She could give Matsumoto a run for her money in that department.
"Ta-ta-ta…" Yumichika managed to stutter once he'd overcome his coughing fit.
"What!?" Kenpachi seemed to be extremely annoyed by their responses.
"Whathappened to you!?" Ikkaku blurted, face turning an angry red- whether that was due to true anger or embarrassment, no one could tell.
With a grunt, Kenpachi replied, "Dunno."
"W-well!" Yumichika wheezed out, and suddenly, he was all business again. "We should go see Unohana-taichou immediately!" He stood up abruptly, and with an air of one who would nag someone to death if they didn't comply post-haste, ushered a sputtering Kenpachi and giggling Yachiru out of the room.
The silence in the room was almost deafening, both of the remaining males staring dumbfounded at the door. Then, slowly, with a deadly stare, Ikkaku asked Ichigo menacingly, "What the hell did you do to Zaraki-taichou?"
Ichigo could only try to defend himself.
---
The news spread like wildfire throughout the Seireitei over the next couple of days- somehow, someone had managed to turn the infamous Captain of the Eleventh Division- the Zaraki Kenpachi- into a woman.
Many felt pity for the poor unfortunate soul who was responsible; after her visit to the Fourth Division Captain, Kenpachi had sworn to eviscerate whoever was responsible- regardless of age, rank, or insanity… especially insanity.
It was two weeks later, that they found out that it was indeed a Twelfth Division experiment- one which had gone out of control, and wound up getting Zaraki alone out of all of the entirety of Seireitei.
The Twelfth Division barely survived the aftermath.
After a few more weeks, and one rather horrific incident with a PMS-ing Kenpachi (which shall forever remain known in the annals of history as "The Blood Bath"), they finally managed to find a cure- much to everyone's relief.
And so, things returned to normal in Seireitei… at least, until one morning when the Tenth Division Captain, Hitsugaya Toushiro, woke up with cat ears and a tail…
But that's a story for another day.
Owari
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