A/N: I had a class where I had to "show" the proff what hurt/comfort was. This was my attempt at doing so, while keeping in mind that I was in an academic setting. I might be willing to revisit this in the future if there is interest. Let me know. Enjoy!

Dean was gone. Well, not all of him. His body was lying right in front of Sam. And all over the floor. And splattered all around the room. And splashed on Sam's face. But the part of him that mattered, his soul, that was gone. Trapped in hell.

Fuck. No!

Bobby joined me then, stood next to me. I didn't look, but felt him there.

"Shit." I heard him whisper.

We stood there for what seemed like an instant, but outside dawn had broken, so it must have been longer.

"Sam – we need to do something with the body." Bobby spoke at last.

"No." I said the word before Bobby had finished his sentence.

We stood there for a while longer.

"Sam –" Bobby began, but without a conclusion to the sentence.

Finally, I went towards my brother's corpse – I refused to call that thing my brother, Dean was somewhere else now – and bent next to it. I brought my hand towards the corpse's neck and picked up the pendant that I had given my brother for Christmas so many years ago.

I'll bring you back, Dean. I won't let you burn in hell.

Closing my eyes to fight back my tears, I put the necklace on.

***

I was gone. The body that I had inhabited no longer contained me and I shot through existence without having arms to be able to grab onto anything, straight into hell. I knew that I had been forced out of the body, that Lilith had replace me in there, and that she was using the face I had introduced to Sam and Dean to make them trust her. She was going to kill them using my face.

Fuck. No!

I forced myself into a cohesive and propelled myself towards Earth where people were, but couldn't get past the gate. The things there, they grabbed me, and the pulled me back to hell. I was still weak from fighting Lilith, so my attempts at fighting were quickly overcome. All that I could think of was how much I didn't want to go back to hell and of how much I needed to make sure Sam and Dean were safe. The world depended upon it.

I need to get out of here. I need to protect them.

But I can't get out like this. I need to earn it.

And so I stopped fighting, and let them drag me into the darkest crevices of hell.

***

Bobby had wanted to salt and burn the body that had once belonged to Dean. Bobby was afraid that something would possess the corpse, or that after years of suffering Dean's spirit would come to Earth and become one of the things that we hunt, bound to the body that he had once inhabited. It was a fair point, but I had said no. I would bring Dean back, and he would need his body then.

And so Bobby and I had buried Dean in a pine box – because pine would break easier when it came time for Dean to climb out of it. Of course, I would be here then too, digging from the top, but he might come back before I could get to him. I didn't tell this to Bobby.

We didn't bury him in a cemetery – it would raise too many questions when Dean came back. Plus, we couldn't afford it. So we found a clearing in the woods outside of New Harmony, and buried the body there. I didn't want to bury it too deep, because Dean would have to climb out of it, but I also wanted to protect the body from the elements and insects. In the end, Bobby dug the whole thing while I just stared at the spot, trying to figure out how deep it should be. It was about 5 feet. Which would mean Dean would have to climb out of 3 feet of dirt when he came back.

I'll be here to help you when it happens.

After we buried the body, Bobby took me with him back to his place. He sat me down and handed me a beer and sat down across from me.

"Drink. Then sleep." He told me, not meeting my eyes.

I nodded and took a swig.

We didn't say anything after that. There was nothing to say.

I'll start looking for a way to bring you back tomorrow, Dean.

***

I couldn't scream anymore. They had given me a corporeal existence with skin on it just so they could peel it from my bones. Then they sewed it back on and ripped it off me. Again and again. They had put hooks through my body to hold me in place while they threw rocks at my face, whipped my back, and urinated on me. When I writhed in an attempt to avoid any of it, or when I reacted physically to anything, the hook tore through my flesh, opening the wounds that had healed since the last time I had moved.

Dean was there too, somewhere. They told me so. They described what they were doing to him and then they would demonstrate by doing the same things to me. And then they would do more things to me as punishment for my disloyalty.

At first, I had tried to talk to them, to explain myself, and to swear allegiance with Lilith once more, but they had ripped my tongue out. It grew back. And then they ripped it out again. It had grown back again, but I had stopped trying to speak. I wanted it to stop.

Endure. Get back to Sam.

And so I remained, silent, while they skinned me and stoned me and whipped me and defaced me in every way possible, and I let them think that they were breaking me. And eventually, Lilith sent word for me.

***

There was nothing.

I had done all the research humanly possible. Hell, I had done all the research inhumanly possible. And there was nothing.

I had tried making deals. But every demon rejected me. Some seemed like they would have liked to help. Some laughed. Either way, I killed them once they rejected me.

There was nothing that I could do for Dean.

There was nothing that I could do for anyone.

I wish it had been me. It should have been me.

I left Bobby's house a while ago, not wanting to drag him down with me. I was turning into a disease and couldn't infect him with my guilty hopelessness. He still had a chance. But I couldn't go far, not wanting to let too much distance get between me and the body that had once been my brother. I stuck to Kentucky, Ohio, and Illinois, wandering aimlessly. I told Bobby that I was hunting, but in reality, I knew I was just waiting for something to kill me.

***

It's time.

Lilith's man and I waited for Sam in his room. So that we could kill him. Lilith's man, who I never got the name of, smiled at me that stupid sick smile of his and I had to fight the urge to beat him senseless right there. He had been among those to torture me. Although I had changed bodies, my spirit still ached from the torture.

No. Not yet.

But I couldn't do that. We had to wait for Sam. I needed to get the knife back from him and then we had to run, because if Lilith got wind of my defiance there would be no end to my suffering. I would go back to hell and the torture would increase tenfold. So I had to wait. Even though I really, really didn't want to.

At last, Sam entered his room. Lilith's man grabbed him from behind and I moved in front of Sam, needing to hurt something more than I needed to protect Sam in that moment. After two hits, I stole the knife from Sam's back, where Lilith's man was trying to grab it. I spun around to face Sam, holding the knife up to his throat. Sam's face was defiant, but his eyes looked almost relieved. I paused then, unable to tear my eyes from his face. After what must have been too long, I spoke. He recognized me immediately, despite my different body. I didn't know what I was saying. The only reason I spoke was so that I wouldn't have to look away from Sam's face and that if I just stood there Lilith's man would know something was off.

After a moment, I tore my gaze away from Sam's face, and turned to Lilith's man. In one smooth motion, I pulled Sam from his grip and plunged the knife into Lilith's man. He didn't even have time to cry out. Sam looked at me, confusion erasing the complexity that had been there before.

"We gotta go. Now!"

***

What the hell is she doing here? Fucking demon.

The thought occurred to me as she rambled on about how much she deserved a treat after being in hell. She wanted French fries.

What the fuck!

"A thank-you would be nice." She said, stirring my attention.

For what? For letting Dean die in New Harmony? For making me think that you could help us? For failing me so completely?

"Who asked for your help?" I replied, not trusting my voice to vocalize my thoughts.

And then she started nattering on about hell.

What do you think I've been going through? I wanted to ask her, but didn't want the conversation going that way.

"Can you help me save Dean?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"No."

And then nothing else matter. I pulled the Impala over.

"Get out." I said

"Sam –" She almost sounded genuinely offended.

"Who's body are you riding, Ruby?"

"What do you care? You've never asked me that before." She said, a hint of vulnerability inching into her voice.

"I'm asking now."

"Some secretary."

"Let her go."

"Sam – "

"Or I send you right back to hell."

She won't. She'll just prove that she's just like the rest of them.

But she didn't say no. Suddenly, her head fell backwards and a cloud of black smoke spewed from her body. The woman that Ruby had occupied was now in control of her body once more.

***

I awoke in the body of a Jane Doe. I picked her from the long term care unit in a nearby hospital. The doctors had been just about to pull the plug on her when I entered her. There was no one else in her.

There. Sam will have nothing to complain about.

"French fries." I said, throwing a sentence around the words. And then I went to find Sam.

He was hiding out in an abandoned house. Like that would prevent me from finding him. And so I went there, holding proof that the body I now inhabited had been a vegetable prior to my occupation, and knocked on the door.

Be polite.

"Why are you here?"

Or not. Fine then. Enough crap.

"We can't bring Dean back. But I can get you something else that you want." I said.

"Huh. And uh, what's that." He scoffed.

"Lilith."

There was a moment then, when he stared at me, and I saw his determination fail.

"You want me to use my psychic whatever." It should have been a question, but it wasn't.

Crap. He won't go for it.

"Look, I know that it spooks you – " I began, but he cut me off.

"Skip the speech. I'm ready. Let's go. "

Bullshit.

"Slow down there, cowboy."

"Just tell me what I have to do."

"Look, Lilith is one scary bitch. When I was in the pit, there was talk. She's cooking up something big. Apocalyptic big."

"So let's kill her."

He's not ready. He's fucking suicidal.

"You wanna go in there and half-ass it like before? We have the time to get it right, let's get it right."

"Okay, what do you want from me?"

I looked at him then, saw the fierceness in his face. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"A little patience and sobriety. Promise me that and I will teach you everything I know."

***

We captured a demon. We tied him up and put him in a devils trap. And then she made me pull out the demon, or try to, while she watched. But I couldn't do it. My skull was pounding, like something was trying to rip its way out of there. But I tried again. I pulled with as much force as I could muster and my head damn near split open. I felt a drop of blood trail down from my nostril and onto my lip. I had to stop.

Dammit!

And then the demon laughed. I couldn't do it anymore. And so she took the knife and plunged it through his neck.

"Not funny." She said, perhaps a little too defensive.

We went to our hideout then. Where she tried to comfort me. My head throbbed with the memory of the earlier pain, or otherwise I would have told her to leave me the fuck alone. But as it was, it hurt to move. Just putting one foot in front of the other took more effort than I thought I was capable of. She ended up supported my weight as we went back. I hated having to rely on her, but I needed to.

"Just give it time, Sam. It'll get better."

I wanted to slap her. Instead, I picked up the bottle of pain killers and tossed two out.

"What? I need more practice?" I said, chasing the pills with a swig of liquor.

"I'm not talking about pulling demons. I know losing Dean was – "

Whoa. No. Nuh-uhn.

I turned to walk away, but the motion was too much. I squeezed my eyelids shut, trying to force the pain away, and trying to force myself to focus.

"Hey, I don't wanna talk about it." I stopped her after I had regained control over my head.

Where the hell does she get off?

"You know what? Where do you get off slapping me with that greeting card time heals all crap. What do you know?"

I leaned my body back against a column, resting my head against it. It hurt to open my eyes. The room was spinning.

"I used to be human. And I still remember what it feels like to lose someone. I'm sorry." As she spoke she walked over to me and started touching my arms. It felt weird, but seemed to ground me. It felt nice.

Mmmm.

No!

I forced my eyes open.

"No." I said, shrugging her off of me. "I can't."

"Sam, you're not alone."

And then she kissed me.

"What are you doing?" I pushed her off me and walked away, trying my damndest to not fall over.

"Sam, it's okay!" She yelled

"No. That is not okay. That is anything but okay."

Dean would kill me. My head pulsating, stronger after the movement. I stumbled into a chair and sat in it, hoping that she didn't notice my lack of grace.

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Where do I start?"

She walked over to me then, and knelt in front of me, rubbing my arms up and down. It occurred to me that I ought to push her away, but the thought of gathering up the force required seemed too much. I tried to look away, but turning my head made the headache worse.

"Is it because of the body? Because I told you, it's all me inside of here. There's noone else inside of here. And it's nice inside of here. It's all nice. And soft. And warm."

And she was fucking writhing in front of me, rubbing against me, and it felt nice, and it kept me grounded.

"What are you doing?"

"Is it 'cause your scared to go there with a demon? Because it's wrong and it's bad and we shouldn't?"

Yes.

Fuck it.

And so I went for it, and I took her writhing figure and pulled it onto my lap and kissed her because I couldn't slap her and I couldn't turn away because it would hurt too much. And then our clothes were off and we were doing things that even Dean wouldn't have done – and there weren't many things that Dean wouldn't do involving nudity. And it felt good.