Open Letter to Stephanie Mayer

by Hideout Writer

Dracula was awoken by a panicking underling. Upon finding out what had gone on in his absence, he resolved to deal with it.

To: Stephanie Mayer:

Dear Stephanie Mayer (though I use the word dear loosely)

With all due respect, WHAT the HELL were you THINKING! We maintain the balance of the night, we are one of the most fearsome magical creatures in existence, and you made us out to be blood-drinking fairies! I am the oldest, most respected vampire in existence, and when I went into hibernation fifty years ago, I NEVER, in my WILDEST dreams, believed that ANYONE would portray us to be blood-drinkers that fucking SPARKLE in the daylight! We don't sparkle, just so you know. We burn. Painfully. Even I, having lived for one thousand seven hundred and six years, can spend little more than an hour in the sunlight before it becomes fatal, and it's painful long before that.

You have single-handedly ruined our reputation, meaning that every star-struck pubescent female on the street is hoping to get turned so they can sparkle like Edward Fucking Cullen. Every magical creature in existence is laughing at us, due to the lies you have spread about us. We didn't object to people telling stories about, we still don't. Usually, the stories are pretty close to truth, and portray us as the creatures of the night that we are.

You have made our job much harder, as the respect we once commanded must now be won back, one person at a time. I hope you're happy that you've fucked up the natural order of things, and made policing the magical nightlife incredibly difficult. Unlike you, we actually fulfill a function in society, you just banged on a keyboard until you came up with a love story involving a depressing human, whom I assume was a mere self-insertion, hoping you could live vicariously through Bella, and an even more depressing vampire that seemed like it was ninety-eight percent fairy.

I did consider waking an old friend of mine, knowing that the instant he found out about what had happened, he would kill you for the damage you have caused vampires worldwide, but I was determined that we should show ourselves to be better than you, which means not killing you for your slander against the vampire race.

Have a nice life, Stephanie Mayer, and whatever you decide to do with the rest of it, stay the hell away from the keyboard, both literally and figuratively. I shudder to think of what further damage you could inflict on the other magical races in existence.

Signed, Dracula