Dementor Infatuation
I am a sick, warped, twisted individual with a sense of humour to match. And I still don't own anything from the Harry Potter world. I take no responsibility for inducing nightmares, bad thoughts, spilt drinks or any other problems you might try to blame this story for.
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Severus had just had a wonderful day. He had seen that Potter brat almost die ("Why is it always almost?") from falling off his broom at an altitude of over 100ft because of a dementor invasion during the quidditch game. So to celebrate he decided to have a few drinks at the Hogs Head.
Unfortunately, one or two drinks turned into a whole bottle of fire whiskey.
Walking back…well…stumbling…no, he was crawling (and still able to fall over.) he was confronted by two rather large dementors.
"Oooooh… Isn't he just the cutest thing you ever saw! What do you think? Can we keep him?"
"Oh Severus, you sexy man thing. We have seen how you try to be like us. The billowing robes, trying to glide, the intimidating presence. We just think you are adorable! But all your good work deserves a reward. We are going to keep you forever and ever. We will even teach you some new things. Today we are going to teach you something new. Today you will learn how to kiss."
"Wha...NOoooo!" was the last fading cry from the unfortunate man.
With that the dementor removed her hood and grasping a struggling Snape gently, she gave him the first and last kiss of his life.
"Oh phooey! That always happens to the guys I like!" Said the dementor, sulking at her bad luck with men. "Humans are just too fragile I guess."
"Perhaps we will have better luck on that guy who looks like a snake." Said the other dementor as they both glided away.
His body was found the following morning. The announcement to the students was met by a stillness and quiet that Hogwarts had never heard before, that was promptly broken by screams of joy that were heard as far away as Inverness.
Only two people showed up at his funeral but it later became a tradition for any student who had ever suffered under Snape's teaching to make a trip to his grave on graduation night to 'Pay their respects'.
The lovelorn dementors never found their love matches and would continue to guard Azkaban for eternity.
The end.