I never thought I'd be that girl. That girl who huddles close to her best friend, nervously waiting on the results of a home pregnancy test.
But today I am.
And what makes it more unbelievable is that I'm married. I'm married to the love of my life, the person who should be here with me. Holding my hand and sharing this moment with me. This moment that could change our lives.
We've always talked about having kids. We've been married for seven years, and in lust with each other for thirteen. So of course the idea of having children came up. How could something so life changing, relationship changing, not have come up.
The topic came up plenty of times over the years. We both agreed that children were something we wanted. Something we wanted together and when the time came we would make the decision together. And the time did come. It arrived four years into our marriage. I was 29 and very much settled into my career as a college professor and Santana was doing great as a registered nurse and co-owner of a gym.
I always thought Santana and I would sit down and make plans after the first couple of years of the gym being in business. But that wasn't the case. The gym had only been open for seven month when Santana came how one night on a Tuesday. It was around ten at night and she had just got home from a long day at the hospital. I was lying in bed when Santana stripped, showered, and then crawled into bed with me. Pulling me into her arms and holding me tight.
We laid in silence for five minutes before Santana whispered in my ear that she didn't want to wait any longer to have a baby with me. She told me that I was going to be a wonderful mom and we should have a baby soon.
That Tuesday night we agreed that within the next couple of months we would try to make a baby.
Santana and I were happy. We were going to have a child soon if everything worked out.
But the next month Santana got a call.
Her mom had been in a car accident. Santana was devastated. We both were. But Santana was torn apart.
Santana is an only child. Her dad had ran off when she was ten and her mom had been her best friend her whole life. The two of them were inseparable. Santana lived with her mom during college and the first two years of our relationship. It was a big adjustment for her when we finally moved in together. She would call her mom every day. Eventually Santana could function with having to call or see her mom every day. She grew up.
And when Mrs. Lopez died, Santana became a little girl again.
Santana quitted her job. And I let her because I thought she needed time to grieve. Everyone knew how close Santana was to her mom. Quinn's dad was good friends with the chief of staff at the hospital so getting your job back wasn't too much of a concern. Plus the gym wasn't doing that bad. But I thought she would only need a few weeks to at least start leaving the house. A few weeks to slowly get back into society.
But after five months, Santana started drinking and our savings account started to decrease. My salary alone wasn't enough to cover the cost of all of our bills.
Alcohol is a poison that ran in Santana's family. Her father was an alcoholic. And there was a time in college that I thought Santana was going to pick up the nasty habit but the nerd in her got the better of her and she became too busy with school to drink. And all this time we've been together, she has been good with cutting herself off with drinks.
Santana barley talked to me at that point. She slept in the guest room. So any plans for a baby went out the window.
And that was fine for the moment. I just wanted my wife back.
And eventually Santana tried.
Santana got her job back. Santana went back to work and hung out with friends. She touched me more that she had in the last few months. But we still didn't have sex.
Santana was still drinking a lot. I glass of Whiskey became her best friend.
I hated it. I hated this version of my life.
We fought. We fought so much that at one point it became too much for me that I asked her to leave. She left and things didn't get better.
Santana came back after two weeks. She didn't come back to our room. She moved back into the guest room.
Everyone is probably wondering how this baby happened.
My birthday was a few weeks ago and Santana and I was talking more. She had joined AA the previous week and was telling me how she wanted to work on our relationship and get us back to where we were. Santana kept telling me she was sorry.
And I love Santana so of course I let her have me.
And now we are here. Here with me throwing up and missing my period.
"Time." Quinn puts her phone back into her pocket. "How do you want to do this?"
"I'll look." I release Quinn's hand and walk the few feet to my bathroom counter. "Oh my God." I whisper out when I see the positive sign.
"Oh Rach." Quinn pulls me into her arms.
"I'm pregnant."I cry.
"Shush…you still need to go to the doctor to confirm it."
"This is the third test, Q. I'm sure I'm pregnant."
"Just make the appointment."Quinn pulls me out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. She sits on my bed while I pace in front of her.
"How do you feel?" She asks.
"Scared…Happy." I say honestly. "Uncertain." I add as an afterthought when Santana pops up into my head.
I want this baby. How could I not. It was made with the love my life. But this isn't exactly the best time. Things are still up in the air with Santana. She's still in her AA program and trying to get better. But we haven't even kissed since that night.
"Understandable." Quinn nods. She's been my best friend since we were seven. Quinn knows all my hopes, dreams and fears. She's the only one who knows me better that Santana.
"Help me find my appointment book?" I request distractedly. I'm too busy thinking about how and when to tell Santana. "Hey, Q?"
I'm grinning when she looks away from the dresser, giving me her full attention. "I really want this to be real. I want this baby."