Author's Note: So this summer, my mom and I got hooked on the reason why you are all here: we started watching Gilmore Girls. Let me just say that three episodes a night was not at all uncommon and that watching Gilmore Girls with your mom is the way to do it. So far, we've gotten through six and a half of the seven seasons-though I pretty much know everything else that happens after.
In particular, I got hooked on that ship we like to call Java Junkie. Actually, I got so obsessed with them after the season four finale (not that I wasn't before) that I woke up in the middle of the night, terrified that Lorelai and Luke would not be together in the end. So, of course I had to look it up...and that's what I mean about how I pretty much know everything that happens next. I'm a wimp, though, because it took me literally a month to wrap my head around the fact that Lorelai and Luke aren't together for the majority (minus the last episode) of Season Seven. Were it not for the fact, I have no doubt I would have taken the plonge and would have already watched the last season and a half of Gilmore Girls yet to go.
The inspiration from this fic came from "Hay Bale Maze"-I might not have seen the remaining season and a half of Gilmore Girls I have left, but I have read most of the transcripts. Luke's line about him purposefully using April to push Lorelai away made me think about all of the issues Luke has in the show. I mean, we love Luke. He's an amazing guy, but in thinking about how perfect he is for Lorelai, we're also sometimes blind to his many faults. At the start of the series especially, he is lonely, surly, and maybe even a little bitter from his father's deaths. Most people don't have "dark days" so many years after a person, no matter how much they loved them, has died. And what is this about how Luke, who has spent much of the series complaining about kids, secretly does want to raise a family, as seen in his almost buying of the Twickham house? Could it be that there is a reason for his change in heart...that maybe, just maybe, that his so-called hatred of kids had more to do with his own issues than anything else?
All of those questions led to this. The majority of it is set pre-GG, and yes, it does include that famous first meeting between Luke and Lorelai that so many have written about before. But it also dares to pose the statement that upon first meeting Lorelai, Luke might have been as unready to enter a relationship with her as Lorelai was, and that maybe, just maybe, the day proceeding their first meeting wasn't one of Luke's best. I don't know what season their first meeting did occur in, but for this story, I'm going to take the liberty of setting it on a cold fall's day, right after the last day of November.
I definitely hope you enjoy. I have more Gilmore Girl fics in the process of being written too, so keep a look out for those. Also, please tell me if I have any mistakes from not having yet watched the least season and a half of the series-or any other mistakes, for that matter-and I will do my best to fix them ASAP.
Enjoy!
XXXXXXXXXXXX
It was a bitter November day. All of Stars Hallow was huddled up inside, eager for the opportunity to curl up by the fire and to watch movies. Few dared to brave the cold, which dominated Connecticut's next few forecasts.
Two females, both brown haired with bright blue eyes, walked outside. Each was carrying bags filled with the movies that they planned to watch that night. The daughter, who was around eleven, was dressed up in four layers, the last of which was a purple parka. The mother, however, was only dressed in two-a shirt and a coat-and was still cursing the weather for keeping her from wearing the shirt she had wanted to wear that day.
As her daughter began to ramble about the fifth grade science project she was making, the mother's attention was averted. Looking over her shoulder, she noticed a yellow sign hanging outside of a building. In red letters, the words read, "Luke's."
Her daughter stopped talking, realizing that her mother was no longer listening. "Mom, what is it?" she asked. Her mother, however, did not reply. She merely continued to stare at the building. Unlike most of the other Stars Hallow's restaurants, which had taken advantage of the cold in hopes that they would bring in more customers, this one was completely dark.
Her daughter tried again. "Mom?"
Finally awoken from her spell, the mother turned to the daughter with a wide smile on her face. "Brace yourself, kid, because I think we're currently standing right outside of the sight of the best coffee in Stars Hallow."
It took a few moments for her daughter to comprehend this. "You mean," said the girl finally, her forehead crinkling in concentration, "this is the new place Mia told you about?"
Her mother did not respond. Instead, she began knocking at the door. "Hey! Hey! Caffeine addict outside waiting! Might die if you don't hurry up fast! Let us in!"
Her daughter flinched. "Mom," she said, with a combination of embarrassment and bemusement, "no one's probably here! What if this Luke is an old man who needs his rest?"
"Nah, Mia says he's just a little older than I am-she knew him when she was younger or something. Though if he's so young, I don't know why he closes so early. You'd think dinner would be the best time for a diner."
"Maybe he only serves breakfast and lunch."
"And not the last meal of the day?" Her mother mocked a gasp. "That's an outrage! Seriously, though, when he comes out, I'm going to tell him exactly what I think of that. This Duke guy seriously needs to rethink his hours."
Her daughter bit her lip. After eleven years of knowing her mother, she knew better than to correct her.
They waited outside for a few more minutes, the bitter breeze whipping past them. The girl tapped her foot, already anxious about having enough time to watch the movies they had rented and getting a good night's sleep for school the next day. Finally, after another minute passed by, her mother seemed to realize that the case was hopeless. "I guess there really is no one there," she said.
Her daughter rolled her eyes. "I could have told you that the minute we passed by."
"Yeah, I guess I was just hoping Duke was hiding out or something. I guess I figured the apartment above the diner had to be his, but that's dark, too. No use hoping, though. Tomorrow, I'll be back, and Duke will have no choice but to give me some coffee."
"Maybe you'd have a better chance if you call him by the right name."
"Luke, Duke, what's the difference? If anything, he'll be complimented that I've likened him to royalty. Trust me, by this time tomorrow, I will have tried his coffee. Now come on, daughter of mine. Wehave some movies to watch."
Smiling, her daughter followed, but she could not help noticing that her mother gave the diner a final look before they left.
Upstairs in the apartment above the diner, a man sat alone in the complete dark. The cold of the November day swept around him, yet he gave no attempt to turn the heat on. Instead, he sat, numb by his feelings and emotions.
In the years since his father's death, no one had bothered to bother Luke Danes on his so-called "dark day". Everyone seemed to know about it, and everyone also seemed to know that bothering Luke on this particular day would result in hell and turmoil. Even the younger generation did not ask Luke where he had been on his "dark day"; hell, even Kirk knew better to ask about that. Yet that woman-he had not looked outside to see the speaker, but he had been able to hear that loud, loud, annoying voice-had had no respect for the legends surrounding his dark day, at all.
Sighing, Luke lay down on his couch and looked up at the ceiling. He concentrated on counting the many cracks on his father's ceiling, as the blustery wind howled around him.
He was startled when, a few minutes later, the phone rang. His first thought was that that crazy woman who had knocked earlier must have gotten his phone number, but he also knew that there was a far more logical answer than that-that there was, in fact, one person who did dare to call him on that particular day. Tentatively, he took the phone.
"Liz?"
"Oh, Luke, thank God I got to you!" came the raspy voice of his sister. "Jess, Jess, it's your Uncle Luke!" Luke could vaguely make out the voice of his nephew's answer. Liz came back on the phone. "Sorry he doesn't want to talk to you. He's going through a stage."
In Luke's private opinion, Jess had been "going through a stage" since the moment he'd left the womb, but he knew better than to tell Liz that.
"So, how are you doing, big brother?" said Liz, capitalizing on Luke's silence. "I'm surprised I got to you; I thought you'd be at the cabin fishing or something."
He paused before answering. "I was, but it got too cold, so I went home. Good thing I did, too. A crazy woman started yelling a few minutes ago for me to open my diner because she's a caffeine addict, and she wanted a cup of coffee or something. Damn psychotic Stars Hallow citizens."
Liz laughed, before her tone became more serious. "I don't suppose you let her in?"
"What, and risk getting mauled and killed? I don't think so."
"You never know," said Liz, and Luke could tell she was smiling from the other line. "That psychotic woman just might be the one."
Luke snorted. Not only was the notion of a woman who had attempted to break into his diner being the "one" completely absurd, but Liz had no right to give him relationship advice. With all of her past marriages and relationships, it was Luke who should be lecturing her, not the other way around.
"Seriously, though," Liz said, ignoring his snort. "Sometimes I worry about you, big brother. You've had Rachel and Anna, but something's always been holding you back. I don't want you to be alone."
"It isn't my fault Rachel cares more about her career than staying here with me," Luke growled, the memory of his recent breakup with Rachel still too painful to discuss.
"All right, then forget girlfriends. What about friends, Luke? Do you have any of those? Anyone who even knows why your diner is closed in the first place?"
"Liz, this is the anniversary of our father's death. If you'd excuse me, I don't really feel like a lecture about my social life right now. Besides, who do you have? Who do you really have who's permanent and who won't just turn out to be like Jess's father? None of your friends have really been there for you much."
He knew he'd said too much the instant it escaped him, but Liz surprised him by staying calm. "I have Jess," she said in a steady voice. "And no matter what happened with Jess's father, I thank God for my Jess every day."
This, in spite of himself, hit Luke especially hard. Liz's relationship with Jess made him think about his own relationship with her parents-his father, of course, but also his mother, who had also died when he was young. His parents had been some of the only ones to "get" him. None of the other children at school had really understood him, and adults often misjudged his introversion for snobbery or surliness. But it was no use missing his parents, now. As he already knew too well, his parents were gone.
"I don't want children," said Luke, refusing to dwell on that.
"You don't like children now," Liz corrected him in a soft voice. "Don't try to fight with me about this, big brother, but I know that wasn't always the case."
They each stayed on the line, quiet, for a long time. Though Luke wanted very much to tell Liz that she was wrong, he also remembered his old dreams of starting a family in the Twickham house. Once upon a time, he had wanted a family, children, a wife to come home to. Once upon a time, he'd wanted what his parents had had. But sometime after his father's death, children had become a hinderance, a nuisance, a painful memory, instead of something he dreamed of coming home to. These days, that boy he'd use to be felt so far away.
"Maybe you're right," he said finally. "I don't think there was anything I could have done with Rachel, but maybe with Anna, I could have let her in more. But I just don't understand it, Liz. I mean, it happened with Rachel, too. I let myself get close to her, and the only thing I got in return was pain."
Liz took a few moments to consider this. "I don't know what to tell you. I know it's hard, big brother. But someday, you'll see her face-whoever she will be-and it'll all be worth it; it'll finally make sense. It'll all work out. I promise."
"Yeah, if anyone could ever love someone as screwed up as me."
"Don't sell yourself short, Luke Danes. If there's one thing I know, it's that you're nowhere near as screwed up as most of the guys I've been with."
Luke considered Liz's words for a long time after the phone call closed. Someday you'll see her face, and it'll all be worth it. Who? Who could "her" face possibly be if it wasn't Rachel, the only woman he had ever really seen a future with? And who the hell wasLiz to give him relationship advice, when she was so much more screwed up about that than he was?
Someday, you'll see her face-who ever she will be-and it'll all be worth it; it'll finally make sense. It'll all work out. I promise.
Yet Luke knew in spite of himself that what Liz had said was true. He had always been different. Whereas Liz changed boyfriends and husbands in the same way as she changed her pants, Luke never went for a relationship unless he was sure it would be permanent. Even in high school, back when, though still somewhat withdrawn, he had been more social than he was now, he had never slept around like the other boys he knew. He'd dated the first girl he'd slept with for almost six months before consummating their relationship. Liz's first time, in contrast, had probably been when she was high or drunk.
And his father knew that he was different. This hurt to think about now, but it was true. After his wife died and people asked William Danes how he was holding up, he had always replied he wouldn't have been able to handle things if it weren't for Luke. "The way he looks out for me and Liz, he's going to make such a good father and husband," he had said.
Luke clenched his jaw, hard. Was going to. That was all in the past now, and if his father was able to see the man Luke had become, he would have taken back his words. These days, Luke was the farthest thing from a man who would make a good father and husband.
He was Luke Danes, the diner owner and town recluse. He was Luke Danes, bitter and surly, whose gruff exterior was the first thing people noticed about him. Luke Danes, who had ignored a crazy woman's quest for coffee, because his own needs were more important. Granted, he still found her request obnoxious, but…maybe she'd had a reason for calling for coffee. Maybe she'd had a need for coffee, and they could have bonded over their mutual craziness. Maybe she'd needed to talk, too.
A need for coffee? Are you crazy?
Okay, so he couldn't exactly regret not letting in a crazy woman for a cup of coffee. But some of the other things, the person he had become in the last ten years…he could regret them.
Luke Danes, ex-boyfriend of Rachel.
Failure in relationships and friendships of all types.
Failure in everything besides the diner he had opened.
Completely alone.
Luke realized then that it was time he decided something very important. Should he live the rest of his life committing his father's life to memory? Or should he take a step, stop having dark days, and focus on his own life?
It was a question Luke had difficulty answering.
XXXXXX
The next morning went about the same way Luke had expected. Nobody mentioned his dark day, though everyone who came into his diner, even Taylor, was especially careful around him. As much as he sometimes hated the entire town of Stars Hallow and its inhabitants, he had to admit that today, he was grateful for their sensitivity towards him.
By eleven-thirty that morning, the diner was especially busy, probably from people who had missed his food from the day before (he felt the compliment, in spite of himself). Caesar was trying his best to help, but Luke was having trouble keeping track of all the customers. This one wanted this, this one wanted that, and…he had had trouble falling asleep the night before, and he was having trouble concentrating now.
Forcing himself to snap out of it, he sighed and managed to get a better grip.
At least he was starting to when the diner's door opened, and he found himself meeting the most beautiful set of sparkling blue eyes he had ever seen.
Luke's first thought, completely irrationally, was that this woman was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on-prettier than Rachel, Anna, his first girlfriend...anyone. So much more beautiful than that crazy Carrie he'd made out with, primarily because, though normally a good guy in high school, she was hot, and…he hadn't been able to control his hormones at the time. But this woman was something else. She had dark brown curly hair, which reached her shoulders, a tall frame, and (okay, he could admit it) an incredibly trim and sexy figure. She was dressed in blue jeans and a form-fitting blue shirt, which matched her eyes, but did not seem to match the cold weather outside. She looked a little younger than he was, probably in her late twenties.
Luke forced himself to get a grip or at least to tear himself from the woman's eyes. He normally did not make a habit out of getting attracted to strange woman he knew nothing about, but this woman was somehow different. The woman, however, barely seemed to have taken in Luke's appearance at all. Instead, her eyes flashing, she marched right up to the table whose order he had been about to take. Without stopping to wait for him to finish taking the order, she spoke.
"Do you know Duke?"
"I…" he began, confused by the name, as he realized with a sinking feeling that he recognized her voice from last night.
The people he was waiting on must have given her affirmation, because her eyes lit up, and she gave him a dazzling smile. "Duke, Duke, I'm delighted to meet you. At least I will be if you give me a cup of your coffee, cause I've heard it's amazing, and I don't want to wait another minute to try the best coffee of my life, so says Mia."
Luke could only stare at her. The woman stared back and batted her eyelashes. Who the hell did she think she was? Pretty or not, she was insane; first yelling at him to open the diner when it was clearly closed and then demanding to be served right away when he was clearly busy with other customers who had been there for longer. And how the hell did she know Mia? Next to Maisy and Buddy, Mia had been the adult who had helped him the most after his father's death, the only adult from Stars Hallow he still let in now. This psychotic woman couldn't possibly know Mia. Mia was his Mia, not hers!
Crazy woman was still standing there, looking at him with her (he now realized) hungry blue eyes. The hunger in her eyes looked a little like a tiger's, waiting for prey. Realizing he had been quiet for a good thirty seconds, Luke said the only thing he could think of.
"Wait your turn. And it's Luke."
"Oh, oh, I know it's Luke," said the woman, as Luke tried to tune out her voice enough to get the orders from the people he had been waiting on. "But if your coffee is good as Mia says it is, and Mia normally doesn't lie, then you are a duke-a member of royalty, worthy of a throne, a duke! Well, I mean, I guess dukes are just the king's brother, and they technically don't have thrones, but if you give me a cup of coffee now, then I promise I'll buy you one and never compare you to your brother the king again."
"I told you to wait your turn," he said, as he made his way to the counter to give Caesar the order, then got some plates to serve to another table. She was still trailing him. "To wait your turn, stop being annoying, sit down, and then shut up."
"Yeah, but I did, I did wait my turn, in fact I've been waiting since last night, when your diner was closed, and I don't know if you're aware of it, Duke, but it was only seven 'o clock, and diners have the best crowd at dinnertime, at least that's the way it's been at every other diner I've gone to, and you should really consider opening it for dinner, cause I bet you'd get a lot of business, and then you'd get more money, and that's a good thing. And hey, what's that apartment above your diner, anyway? Who lives there if it's not you? I mean, I know it's not you because I tried to get you to open last night, but the apartment was dark too, so you couldn't have just ignored me, and you couldn't have been out because I saw a car, and no one would dare go anywhere within walking distance last night cause it was so cold…"
He decided not to mention he'd heard her calling. "As a matter of fact, my diner is open for dinner most days. It's just yesterday it wasn't."
"Oh, so it is like a dead day or a day off? That's what my daughter Rory said later, that it was probably just a day off of yours, cause there's no way a diner wouldn't open for dinner. We were having a whole fight about it when we got home last night, so she'll be so happy to know that she was right. I swear that kid is always right, she's so smart, so I don't know what she has to gloat about, but I guess that's eleven-year-olds for you."
Luke, in spite of himself, was caught by surprise by this statement. He stopped refilling a customer's water glass so that he could look at the woman. "You have an eleven-year-old daughter?" he sputtered.
"Yes." Instead of the coffee starved, hyper look she'd worn before, she now wore a look of defiance. "She's in fifth grade."
"But-" Luke hated the way he'd lost all powers of speech, but he could not help himself. "That means-"
"I had her when I was sixteen," said the woman, not taking her eyes off of him. "I got pregnant when I was fifteen, and I'm never been married, nor am I living with someone. Now if you'll excuse me"-the coffee hunger was back in her eyes, yet her gaze seemed a little dimmer than before-"I want coffee, right now."
Luke was thinking about this, when the woman, to his astonishment, got up and left him alone. Now he placed her-or at least he remembered Mia talking about her. She was the young maid Mia had taken on, who was now on her way to managing the Independence Inn. Luke even recognized her a little, now that he could put her into context. He had seen her before at the few town meetings he'd gone to, often coming in late and snacking on junk food with a little girl in tow. He'd never paid attention before-there were so many other characters in Stars Hallow, he could barely keep track of them all-but he certainly remembered seeing her.
He felt guilty for his insensitivity in bringing up how old she had been when her daughter was born, especially as his own sister hadn't been in such a different situation. He also felt irrationally relieved by this new information. She had a daughter. She was a coffee junkie, she had a daughter, and no matter how intrigued Luke was by her, he was definitely not ready to step in and become a stepdad to an eleven-year-old girl. He did not have to let someone else in right away.
He was surprised-but a little relieved-when the woman came up to him a few minutes later, this time holding a newspaper. "You still here?" he said, still wondering if he'd offended her.
She mocked a gasp. "You underestimate me! I won't be gone until you give me some of your famous coffee, and that's a guarantee. No, that's more than a guarantee-it's a
'cross my heart and hope to die,' bonafied promise!"
"I thought maybe you'd gotten sick of being ignored," he said wryly, as he headed behind the counter and got more plates to distribute. "That maybe you'd taken my advice and were about to sit down and shut up or something."
He could tell by her expression that he had been very much mistaken. "Oh, I don't get sick of being ignored," she said cheerfully, giving him no evidence that she'd been upset by his comment earlier. "I just keep on pressing and pressing and pressing till I get the attention I need. My mother can tell you all about that. It's a talent."
"Sounds like it," he said, putting down a plate.
"It is," she said, smiling widely. Her grin, Luke could not help noticing, lit up her whole face; with her eyes dancing and her blue shirt bringing out her eyes, she looked even prettier than before. Stop that, he chided himself. It's not happening. You're being ridiculous.
"So, I was wondering," she said, as he once again forgot to respond to her statement, "when's your birthday?"
This question took him off guard. "My what?"
"Your birthday," she said, not seeming disjointed by his confusion in the least. "You know, the day you were pushed out of your mother or well, cut out, if she had a C-section…the day where everyone sings and eats cake and you get presents and balloons?"
"Why in the world would you want to know my birthday?" he said, not mentioning that he hated balloons-and presents and cake and the birthday song, for that matter.
"I can't tell you," the woman said seriously, and he sighed, wondering why he'd even expected her to have a reason for asking. "I can tell you, however, that as you've seen before, I don't go off without a fight, so unless you want to be here all night, you'd better tell me your birthday or else I will talk your ear off until you finally give in and tell me."
"Fine," Luke said with a sigh, then braced himself for what would come next. "My birthday is November sixteenth."
But instead of mentioning how soon his birthday had been, as Luke had expected, the woman simply nodded and flounced off. This time, she returned only a few minutes later, with only a tiny clipping of the newspaper article.
"Keep it in your wallet," she said with a flirtatious wink to Luke, who was now standing behind the counter. "Maybe one day, it'll bring you luck."
Reluctantly, he took the piece of paper from her. To her surprise, she had ripped out the horoscope page, the part of the newspaper Luke hated the most. Next to the section on Scorpios (was that god-blasted scorpion really his sign?), she had written, You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away.
Luke looked up and met her eyes. She began to clap her hands when she saw what was doing. "I hope to God I never see you again," he grumbled-though this, with all due honesty, was not true. The woman squealed when he pushed a cup of coffee to her. Finally, after a couple of sips, she began to lose the wide-eyed, desperate look she'd been wearing earlier.
"You're an absolute angel," she said, causing his heart to flutter unexpectedly. "Seriously, will you marry me, because if I could have a cup of this coffee every day, I might just die happy."
"Learn how to make your own coffee," Luke said, though secretly, he was pleased. He had never been told by such an attractive woman-even Rachel-that he made such good coffee before. He also had never been proposed to do, even in such a casual way.
She stood up from the stool she'd been sitting on and gave him a winning smile. "Well, I guess you didn't totally get rid of me, because that coffee was so good, I'm gonna bring Rory here, and see what the rest of the food tastes like. Hey, maybe I'll even take Mia out as a special thanks to introducing me to the best coffee in Stars Hallow!"
"Oh, joy," he said under his breath, with mock sarcasm.
"Oh, and remember to put that horoscope in your wallet," she said, before she headed towards the door. "I wasn't kidding about that; it really will bring you good luck."
"I'll put it in."
"I don't believe you."
"I said I'll put it in my wallet, what else do you want? Geez."
"Hey, remember what I did for the coffee? If I want you to put that horoscope in your wallet, I will personally come and stuff it in."
"All right," he said, taking out his wallet from his pocket and putting the horoscope in. "Happy?"
"An angel," she said, beaming, as she finally made her way out the door. "An absolute duke of an angel."
Luke watched her leave. He turned away when she glanced back, but secretly, he had looked after her. He wanted to believe (though he knew she hadn't) that she had looked back, too. A few minutes later, Luke was surprised to notice that it had begun to snow.
Back when he was a kid, he had loved snow. He and Liz had played in it for hours, sometimes even ice-skating on the rink their father had made for them. But when he got older, he began to see snow in more realistic light. Snow wasn't magical, it was obnoxious; it merely came from the world being too cold.
He found himself wondering what that woman thought of snow. From the little Luke had seen of her, she didn't seem like the snow hating type. In fact, she didn't seem like the type who hated anything…well, except for gruff diner owners who refused to serve their customers coffee.
Although Luke had planned to get rid of the horoscope as soon as the woman left, he found himself hesitating when he found it in his wallet that night. When he took the soft paper in his hands, he could not get himself to rip it. He could not forget the ticklish surge of excitement that had overtaken him when she'd complimented his coffee or indeed those stunning blue eyes.
And besides, it is luck I need, Luke thought to himself, as he began to place it back in his wallet. Maybe not luck with her, but luck with all my issues, luck to get my life back on track again.
He remembered her name, then, as the memory of the conversation he had had with Mia about her came back to him. Lorelai. Lorelai and her daughter Rory, who was also named Lorelai. Lorelai and Rory Gilmore.
Lorelai. What a crazy, talkative, java junkie of a woman.
Lorelai. Who the hell did she think she was anyway, coming up to him when he was so busy? He had never met anyone so childish and impatient before. He'd met small children who were more patient than Lorelai, for God's sake!
Luke paused before closing his wallet. He smiled, in spite of himself.
Lorelai. What a beautiful name.
XXXXXX
Over ten years later, Luke Danes stared again at the newspaper clipping in his wallet. He considered ripping it in half it with the same vigor he had just punched Christopher with, but decided against it. By God, he did need luck to get his life back on track again, and even if it wasn't luck with Lorelai he needed, it was luck, period.
Still, he knew it was a long time before he'd next wear his blue baseball cap.
Staring at the inside of the car and unable to get out of his truck, Luke remembered that one dark day, ten and a half years ago. He never had told Lorelei about the first time he'd heard her voice or even that he had heard her calling to begin with. He'd never told her that the day they first met was the day after his "dark day". He doubted she even remembered very many details of their first encounters, to begin with.
That was the thing about Lorelai Gilmore, Luke realized now; while he had loved her since he'd saw her, even though it had taken him eight long years to come to terms with it and to admit it, way back then, Lorelai hadn't noticed him. She had Rory, yes, but she also had a large circle of friends, boundless energy, plenty of other suitors, a life. They'd always just been friends in her mind. For so many years, he had always been "just Luke".
As angry as he now was, he was still not insecure enough to believe that Lorelai had never felt anything for him. She had proposed to him, a fact he now resented, and she had kissed him back that first time, and had even wrapped her arms around him, in the passion of their embrace. She had even given up her rich, successful boyfriend to be with him. And before that, before their kiss, he had seen the shyness in her eyes during the dance. She had laughed at the idea of them being together before, but after the waltz, she had finally begun to see him the way he saw her.
That was, the way he'd seen her.
And maybe, if Luke was to be completely honest, he could admit he had used April as an excuse to push Lorelai away. Oh yes, he was still intimidated by her sometimes, she who was so good with children and people period, and he who didn't know what the hell he was doing, but it had not just been about April. Rachel had pushed him away by her constant need to leave and travel, but Luke had pushed away Lorelai.
Deep down, he had still not forgotten the pain of losing both his parents so young; the pain of Rachel, someone he thought he had loved, leaving him. He had been afraid of something exactly like this happening; of Lorelai leaving him for Christopher and not coming back. And as angry as Luke still was at her, he had to admit that he had pushed her in exactly that direction.
With April, it was different. With April, they had a genetic connection, and no matter what happened with his relationship with April or her mother, in some way, he would always be apart of her. With Lorelai, the only tie he had to her was that he made coffee she liked. Whereas Luke had always been hounded by his past, Lorelai had moved on from hers. Lorelai Gilmore was completely free.
He wished then that a coffee starved woman had not walked into his diner so many years ago; that she had not given him a horoscope and that he had not kept it for so pathetically long, that she had gone away. Because if Lorelai Victoria Gilmore had not walked into his life, Luke might have remained messed up and alone, but at least he would not have gained false hope. False hope that he would not remain alone for the rest of his life and that he would be able to move beyond his issues. That he might get married and start a family, kids who actually lived with him and whom he had actually known about and watched over the years. Most of all, he would not have gained false hope that he might find someone, a special someone, who he would love in the same way as his parents had loved each other.
Liz was wrong. He had seen her face-he still saw her face, for God's sake-but it had not all worked out in the end. On the contrary, Lorelai Gilmore had just left him feeling more messed up than ever.
For he, Luke, was back where he had started. Liz had T.J., Maisy had Buddy, his parents had each other, and Lorelai had Christopher.
He, Luke Danes, had nobody.
He, Luke Danes, was completely alone.