The Doctor wandered about in the TARDIS. He'd lost Rose; for good this time. Oh he could open up a gateway and see her, but then two universes would collapse in on each other and everyone would cease to exist, so there wasn't much point. He didn't even have time to say those three little words before his projected image faded.
He knew that she already knew what he was going to say. He could see it in her face as they spoke for the last time. As they said goodbye. But it broke both their hearts that they didn't get to hear him say it.
They all left him eventually. Whether through their own doing or by some other force, they all left him. He always ended up alone. He'd even lost his family.
The Doctor flicked a few switches on the console. Sod the universe. Sod the Time Laws. Sod life. He was going to go back. He was going to break every rule in the process but he was going to make himself feel better. Surely he deserved that?
He pulled levers and pushed buttons slowly and calmly, lacking the usual fever he had when he'd been travelling with Rose. Somehow the TARDIS wasn't fun to drive when there was no companion to throw about.
He landed the TARDIS smoothly, murmuring to the old time ship as he stepped out onto the familiar land of a long forgotten planet. Gallifrey. It had been so long since he'd last been here. From his childhood to the last time he saw it the place hadn't changed much and the Doctor liked it that way. He hated change. He'd had to see so much in his life that it hurt more and more every time things changed.
It shouldn't and he knew that. He was a Time Lord, a renegade, but a Time Lord none the less. He could see everything that was, everything that is, everything that ever could be and yet he still despised change, even when he could see all the tiny minute changes happening everywhere in every universe in every time.
So why did it hurt? The Sun and the Moon, the Day and the Night, Life and Death. They were all insignificant. Cause to Effect, that's how the Doctor wanted things to be. Not this great big ball-y mess of time-y whime-yness.
The Doctor walked forward slowly. He was treading footprints into a ghost planet. It didn't really exist, and he shouldn't. He should have died at the Fall or Arcadia along with the rest of his family.
He picked up his pace, walking more quickly. He shouldn't have come back. Crossing his own Time Line was a bad idea, but he just wanted to see them. Just once. It had been so long.
There they were. And there he was. Still in his eighth regeneration, with his wife. He'd only been visiting, he hadn't planned to stop long, especially since the Academy were still after him and his stolen TARDIS. But his son had been there too. Just happened to come for a visit at the same time. It was the one and only nice coincidence to ever happen to the Doctor. Course what seemed like a blessing at the time became a curse. The Time War had started whilst he'd been there and every last Time Lord, renegade of not, was sent to the front line. All those of fighting age, and some below. Only women and young children were spared the prospect of having to step out onto the battlefield; and this meant they were the first to go. The Dalek's attacked and killed them all first. The ships placed near the front line were a distraction. Never mind destroying Gallifrey and the Time Lords, the Dalek's wanted to make them suffer.
The Doctor quickly banished those thoughts from his head, turning his attention back to himself and his family. That had been the day that he'd found out he was a Granddad as well. How had one of the happiest days of his life, turned into one of the worst?
He watched as his son introduced his past self to his new daughter-in-law and their child. Their two children. He'd been away from Gallifrey for so long that he'd missed out on it all.
The Doctor had spent the day reacquainting himself with the family he was about to lose all over again.
The Doctor walked away, back to the TARDIS. The sound of laughter was still ringing in his ears even when he'd shut the doors and set the time ship in flight again. He didn't know where he was going now, didn't really care. Every time he found some happiness, a glimmer of hope, a tiny light in the darkness; it was taken away from him again, squashed, destroyed in front of his eyes.
The TARDIS shuddered and creaked. Where ever he was going the TARDIS didn't want to go there. He paused for a moment wondering if he ought to go back to Cardiff, refuel, have a break before thinking about what he was going to do next, but somehow he couldn't bear to stay still. He had to keep running. It was all he knew. Running and never looking back.
The TARDIS suddenly stopped. It was hovering somewhere. The Doctor was too numb to feel any sort of curiosity but he wandered over to the doors anyway, opening them to see where he was.
He was hovering over a black hole, the dark space stretching for hundreds of light years either way. He frowned slightly. Why had the TARDIS stopped here? Just so he could stare down into the black oblivion of nothingness?
The TARDIS console pinged and he shut the doors, returning to it, watching the screen as ancient Gallifreyan began to write itself. What was being said didn't make any sense though.
Show him what it's like. Make him understand. Tell him you're sorry and ask for forgiveness.
The Doctor knew what the TARDIS meant deep down. He just didn't want to show it. He wanted to pretend that this was just something else he could run away from. But in truth he knew it wasn't. This was something he had to face up to.
The TARDIS started bleeping, moving levers of its own accord and the Doctor reluctantly helped, setting the coordinates for Cardiff, January 2007. He'd barely landed and stepped out when he was pulled into a bone crushing hug by a tall handsome American.
"Knew you'd come back one day," Jack whispered, pulling back slightly. "What the hell were you playing at?"
The Doctor looked Jack up and down. Considering he'd been through a regeneration since the last time they'd met Jack was acting as if nothing had changed. As if neither of them had seen death and destruction, as if their souls were still intact, as if they still had the love for each other they'd had before.
The Doctor explained as best he could what had happened after Jack had died and for the most part the American seemed to accept it. He even looked a little happier when the Doctor revealed that Rose was still alive and well.
"So why did you come back now?" Jack asked finally as he wandered around the familiar looking console, taking in all its features.
"Because for once Jack, I'm the one calling the shots," the Doctor's voice was hoarse. He hadn't spoken in months and then he'd spent the last two hours talking non stop. "I'm going to show you why I left you. Then I'm going to leave you again. Because I'm not going to have another death on my conscience."
Something in the Doctor's tone of voice told Jack that this was important for both of them; even if Jack was a little upset to learn that his visit would be fleeting. The TARDIS creaked and juddered as the Doctor set the coordinates.
Jack watched. He'd offered to help but the Doctor had declined the offer. He needed to do this alone. Jack was merely the catalyst in his over all plan. As the central column began to slow and stop, Jack frowned slightly. The TARDIS engines where still going which meant that they hadn't landed, they were hovering somewhere.
"Jack," the Doctor stood in front of him again. "Do you regret travelling with me?"
"What? No! I wouldn't have missed it for the world!" Jack said frowning.
"Good," the Doctor nodded and headed towards the doors, opening them and glancing back at Jack.
The ex-Time Agent wandered down the ramp and stood next to the Doctor looking out. They were hovering just above a vast black hole that stretched for out for light years.
Light, time, space, it was all being dragged down into the never ending oblivion at the centre. Jack looked at it for a moment and then glanced at the Doctor, watching him carefully.
"After all this time, I still don't have a clue how your mind works," he said gently.
"That's just it Jack," the Doctor smiled sadly, pushing his glasses onto his nose. "If I wasn't a Time Lord, if I wasn't universal, if I only existed in one part of time and space, then this is what I would be. A great huge black hole. Destroying everything good and beautiful that comes into contact with it and ultimately collapsing in on itself causing its own destruction."
Jack sighed slightly.
"It's not your fault," he said carefully.
"But it is Jack," the Doctor looked at him seriously. "I'm the last. The coward survives and now I'm the only one who can be responsible for this. I lost her Jack; that was the price I had to pay for my five minutes of happiness. Now I'm nothing."
"You're not nothing!" Jack whispered.
"Oblivion, that's me," the Doctor looked down at the black hole again, the first tears starting to fall. "The only constant companion I've ever had is death. That's all I'm good for."
"Doctor, you've saved the Earth millions of times from destruction!" Jack reached out a hand to touch the Doctor's shoulder but he pulled away.
"Yeah, I keep you naïve little apes alive because ultimately you never know how close to death you come," the Doctor shook his head. "Thousands of planets are destroyed whilst I'm looking after you. I just can't manage anymore. I tell myself that it's not my fault, but in the end, there's no one else to take the blame."
"So… you came all the way out here and stared into oblivion… why?" Jack asked raising an eyebrow. It didn't seem like a very good idea considering how bad the Doctor was feeling.
"Because the TARDIS showed me that I had to tell someone," the Doctor reached out and took Jack's hand in his. "That I had to tell the one other person who's remotely close to knowing how I feel. The one who knows what it's like to watch people die, to watch their friends die at their own hands. The one other person who can feel the turn of the Earth because time is nothing to someone who can't die."
Jack nodded.
"So what are you going to do now?" He asked quietly.
"Take you home, say goodbye, let you get on with your life," the Doctor shrugged. "I'll visit. I know it's hard to say goodbye forever."
"What then?" Jack pressed gently.
"Do what I always do," the Doctor replied. "But this time I'm going to do it alone. If there's no one to take away then I can't get hurt."
Jack glanced at the Doctor sadly.
"You'll get lonely," he said eyes shinning.
"It'll be worth it as long as you're safe," the Doctor said firmly. "Although there is one thing I have to ask of you."
"Oh yeah?" Jack looked at him expectantly.
"Have a fantastic life, yeah?" The Doctor smiled wryly. "Do that for me. Have a fantastic life."