Disclaimer: It's. Not. Mine.

A/N: ha! Like I'm gonna put an author's note here… if you really wanna read one, click the double backwards arrow and go for it!

Chapter One-Dying Parrots and Other Beasts

Professor Minerva McGonagall was in the middle delivering a particularly passionate, thrilling lecture on her subject to her students, who should have been paying close attention, but were most certainly not. In fact, only two eyes in the entire room were on Professor McGonagall- and there were a total of sixty.

The other fifty-eight eyes were gazing intently on their classmate Marlene McKinnon in eager anticipation. They knew what was coming- it happened every day, like clockwork, at three twenty seven in the afternoon. Professor McGonagall became more furious with ever class. Marlene was quite brilliant with a particular aptitude for Transfiguration, so normally she would have been one of the Professor's favorite students. However, Marlene had a tendency to be extremely disruptive. Though she never purposely called attention to herself, she was always fidgeting in her desk-shuffling things- falling out of her chair- and then there was that horrible noise…even during those rare occasions when she was able to remain still, the students still only paid attention to her!

Marlene herself, however, would have been more than happy to hand over the attention to Professor McGonagall. She loathed having all those people watching her, keeping her from being able to concentrate. In fact, as Transfiguration was her favorite subject, she would have been greatly enjoying Professor McGonagall's speech, had she not been squirming in discomfort, trying to avert her eyes away from every other student in the class. Marlene hated being a distraction, but she could hardly help it. Maybe today, though…perhaps she could fight it off today, perhaps it wouldn't happen. Yes, there. That's it, Marly, she told herself, you are not going to-

"Hiccup!" An extremely loud, peculiar noise erupted from the petite brunette's mouth. This noise caused the entire class to laugh raucously, some attempting to get a very embarrassed Marlene to give them a high-five as she tried, very hard, to evaporate into thin air. Desperately, she searched her mind for a spell that would allow her to do that. She didn't think there was one, which was very distressing. Or perhaps there was! Perhaps she had just performed it in her head, because everyone seemed to be quieting down… that is, until it happened again, louder.

"Hiccup!" this time, the resulting chaos was cut short by Professor McGonagall's' cry for,

"SILENCE!" she yelled. Then, turning to Marlene, growled, "Miss McKinnon, kindly excuse yourself until you have gotten rid of those… hiccups."

"Yes, Professor," Marlene mumbled, standing up and shooting a fleeting look at her friends, Alice Meadowes and Lily Evans, who smiled sympathically.

Marlene hated that word. Sympathetic. People often regarded her that way; used that word towards her. Every time, she felt a little bit more pathetic.

People weren't usually sympathetic towards Marlene because of her famous hiccups. Mainly people simply found them to be an amusing distraction from lessons. Only Marlene's four best friends knew how much she loathed those hiccups; nearly the entire school was well aware of the other reasons one might have for pitying her.

When people weren't teasing Marlene about her hiccups and clumsiness, or begging her for a neck massages, they were psychoanalyzing her odd, quirky behaviors and telling her how terribly sorry they were.

Marlene thought they ought to be terribly sorry for pretending to be so terribly sorry when they really didn't give a damn, but she usually didn't say so. She had lost her temper and blurted it out once, and the apologizing idiot had simply sighed, saying, "Poor girl… been through so much, I fear it's driving her mad…"

Marlene snorted at the thought. She'd been quite mad in the first place, thank you. She was, in no way, suffering form trauma-induced madness. More like hiccup-induced madness, honestly.

She sighed and hiccupped at the same time, attracting several odd looks from frightened first years. Trying to smile at them in a friendly manner, she tried to find a water fountain. Of course, she didn't find one, and managed to get lost in the process of looking for one. Which was completely understandable, of course. She'd only been attending Hogwarts for six years.

Still hiccupping, her new mission was to find the Transfiguration classroom, but all she found was that she'd had better luck on her first mission. Then, just when she'd been about to give up, she'd found an irritating, obnoxiously handsome scoundrel.

Well- technically, she'd found her. She'd been wandering around the corrider, hiccupping and looking for a water fountain, a cure to hiccups, a bit of chocolate, and of course the Transfiguration room, when he called after her.

"Hey! I've heard there's a dying parrot lurking around the halls somewhere… want to help me find it?"

Marlene whirled around and found herself facing Sirius Black. Sirius Black. What a terrible name for him- why, he was less serious that anyone she had ever met, and he was certainly-er- colorful in personality.

As cool as possible, Marlene rolled her eyes. "I don't know, Black- I hear there's an obnoxious impertinent slacker aimlessly wandering the halls and harassing every girl he happens to meet. I think I ought to take care of that first."

"Ouch! That was quite good, love, but," he leaned in closer to her, "it might have been a bit more effective if you hadn't been hiccupping the entire time you were saying it."

Glaring at him, she turned on her heel and began to walk away, but he grabbed her wrist.

"What's the matter, Black? I thought you loved to watch the girls walk away…" she grinned, "Or is that frequent dazed look because the girl has just slapped you in the face."

"Now, why would this girl ever want to harm my lovely face?"

Marlene laughed. "Knowing you, you probably told her you loved her and then promptly snogged her sister, felt up her best friend, and slept with her mum."

Sirius looked wounded for a moment, but then grinned, "You not-so-subtle jabs at my character are quite painful, Marly dear." He sighed, "you used to be such a nice girl… all those vacations you and your family would take with us… don't you miss those times?"

Suddenly, Marlene's playful expression darkened. "Yeah, well, things change," she muttered. "I've got to go-hic-get rid of these hiccups-hic- now!"

"There'll be no need." Sirius smiled, holding up a flask.

Marlene hiccupped again, and stared at the flask, alarmed. "You must be nuts, if you think I'm drinking whatever is in that thing."

"Relax, McKinnon," he grinned, unscrewing the top and holding the flask upside down. "Empty." Then, he pulled out his wand, muttered "Aquamenti!" and held the now water-filled flask out to her.

She shook her head. "No- I'll just find a water fountain." Fat chance of that, she told herself grimly. She waved at Sirius and tried to turn around, but he didn't seem willing to let her go.

"Ah, but I have a matter I need to discuss with you!" he called after her. Curious as ever, Marlene turned around, and eyed the flask warily. Finally, she reached out and took it, but didn't drink it, therefore continuing to hiccup.

"Now, go on! Drink up! And think of something completely disgusting, that always helps." He grinned. "I don't discuss important matters with dying parrots."

Holding up the flask to her lips, Marlene giggled. "Why think of anything? I've got something utterly repulsive right in front of me." She joked, drinking the water and handing the flask back to him. "Anyway, this matter you wanted to discuss…?" She prompted, finally free of her hiccups.

"Well," he smiled. "As you know, my dear friend James is very fond of your dear friend Lily."

Marlene only laughed. "Well, as you know, my dear friend Lily wants absolutely nothing to do with your dear friend James."

"I'd like to change that." Sirius grinned.

"You and me both…" Marlene sighed. She wasn't crazy about James Potter, but Lily's ranting about him was at best, right annoying, or at worst, completely terrifying.

"So, I think that the two of us should do something."

"Do something?" Marlene sniggered, "What, we set them up? You're crazy!"

"Aw, come on, Marls, you know they're perfect for each other!"

"Uh, I know nothing of the sort, Black. Lily doesn't even like James."

"Which is precisely what we need to change!"

"We do not need to do anything. I am not partaking in any psychotic schemes planned by you to get my best friend to go out with a guy who she despises!"

"So Evans really does despise him?"

"What did you think? That she's secretly in love with him? That, in fact, she has a James Potter love shrine hidden under her bed? I'm afraid not."

"Well… I didn't exactly picture a shrine…but yeah, I always thought she might fancy him, at least a little bit."

"Well, if she does, she hasn't told me about it." Marlene sighed. "Why do you even want them together?"

Sirius shrugged. "Prongs is like a brother to me. I've even been living with him- you know how my family is, Marls- and he really likes her. Plus… I don't know. I always that they kind of just… fit, you know? Sometimes people just seem to fit?"

Marlene nodded, bitterly remembering how she had once fit, fit perfectly… and then things had gone horribly, horribly wrong. "I think it's hopeless." She murmured, tugging uncomfortably on a lock of dark hair.

"Lily and James? Hopeless? Nah." Sirius smiled. "Definitely not hopeless."

"Yes, it is." Marlene insisted.

"Come on- I thought all girls were supossed to be romantics?"

Marlene thought about that for a moment. Sadly, she remembered how once, she had been romantic… and then everything had turned out as miserably unromantic as possible.

"Not this one." She told him firmly. "You could as Alice or Dorcus or Emmeline, though. They're romantic… maybe you'll have better luck with one of them."

"Ah, but that is where you're wrong. See, I don't need romantic. I need someone to balance out the romantic in me, actually. I need bitter, cynical, jaded, sarcastic bitchy girl."

Marlene glared at him viciously. "So that's what I am, is it?"

He nodded, apparently oblivious to the fact that she was furious at him. "That's what you are."

Then, slowly, she walked towards Sirius Black, observing his handsome face and piercing silver eyes. She lifted up her head, so that their faces were only a centimeter apart. Then, even more slowly, she raised her delicate hand to gently caress his cheek… or slap it furiously, leaving a small handprint and a completely dumbfounded expression on his face. Before she backed away, she glared at him and whispered,

"You're absolutely right." With that, Marlene grinned and turned around, striding down the corridor.

Sirius Blacks stood still and silent, watching her walk away.