Cheap Trick

Tag for episode 14 of season 4 "Sex and Violence". Dean is at breaking point as he thinks about what was said between him and Sam. Spoilers for Season 4.

My second shot at SN fanfiction. What can I say, the last episode left me with the urge to write. It kind of reminded me of this huge fight I had with my big sister one time and sometimes it's a lot easier to forgive then to forget. You don't want to hear about that though. Reviews welcome. Thanking you for taking the time to read.

Oh, almost forget. The paragraph in italics at the top if the Cheap Trick song I want you to want me. As if you couldn't guess.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.

I'm sitting here Sammy. I'm sitting right beside you but I feel like there's a million miles between us. You're staring out the passenger window and I try my hardest not to wonder what you're thinking. Did you mean what you said back in the motel room? Did you mean it when you said that I was weak, that I was holding you back?

Of course you did. Because I meant every single damn word I said to you. The secrets, the lies, you just keep on hiding from me Sam and I just want you back. I want my little brother back so damn bad, not this machine whose only emotions are anger and hate.

The lyrics to that old Cheap Trick song play across my mind and I feel myself crumbling just that little bit more each time I look your way. I'm your brother Sam. I'm sitting right here with you and yet you won't even look at me, you won't listen to a word I have to say. Would it be the same if it was her sitting here instead of me? Would you still stare determinedly away? Would you still stay stubbornly silent?

Am I really asking that much of you? Is it really that hard for you to do? I remember how you told me once that you looked up to me. I remember how you told me that you wanted to be just like me. And for the first time in such a long, long time I actually felt like you wanted me around. I felt that maybe I was needed after all.

But I'm left wondering if you're right. Am I really just holding you back? Me, the human sacrificial lamb. I played my part, I brought you back from the dead and I went to Hell for it. And now that I did that, you don't need me anymore. You don't even want to be around me. You must really hate me Sammy, you must hate that you have to put up with such a pathetic loser of a brother.

I mean, I can't send demons back to Hell with my mind alone. I can't see the future. I can't even tell when you're lying to me anymore Sam. Once over, I just knew. I would look at you and there would be this look in your eye and I knew that you were lying but now, you're so far gone I'm beginning to wonder if even you know when you're lying anymore.

Do you Sam? Do you even understand the difference between lying and telling the truth or has Ruby twisted your mind so much that you've forgotten everything, EVERYTHING I ever taught you? 'Cause I certainly didn't teach you what you've been doing with that little demonic bitch. I didn't teach you not to feel. I didn't teach you how to lose yourself and forget about your family. Or am I really that much of bad big brother that somehow I did, without even meaning to?

Is that why you can't even look at me? Is that why you refuse to talk? Because I screwed up that badly that I screwed you in the process? I'm sorry Sam. I am so Goddamn sorry but I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to be there for you. I don't know how to be something that you need. I don't know how to be someone that you can love.

You're my brother and I'm losing you. Then again, maybe I've already lost you. I lost you the moment that hellhound ripped me apart and sent my soul to Hell. And I just can't stand knowing that, I can't stand knowing what it did to you - what it did to us.

I'm a selfish bastard and I know it. I have no doubt in my mind that I could pull over right now and tell you to get out, tell you to go find your precious little Ruby and you would. You would take it as my permission and it would be the least I could give you. But I can't do it Sammy, I can't.

I know what Hell's like. I know what it does to you, what it turns you into. And I just can't let that happen to you. I won't Sam. I won't see you go down that road and it breaks my heart to see that it's where you seem determined to head. Jesus Sammy, what does it take for you to understand? What do I have to say to get you to see that it's not where you want to be?

I opened up my soul to you. I bared it all. I told you every little detail that I could at the risk of losing you because I thought it was a risk I could take. You asked for it. You begged me to tell you and when I finally let it out, you throw it all back in my face. I should have lied. I should have told you how brave I was instead; I should have told you that I never broke. Maybe then you wouldn't look at me the way you do. Maybe you would give me the same respect you give your demon bitch.

We're not okay Sam. We are so far from okay. And it just sucks you know, it sucks that it took the toxin of some damn siren to make us finally be honest with each other and even then, we pretend we didn't mean it. We go back to lying through our teeth and playing happy families only this time, this time I know exactly what I am to you Sam.

Nothing.

Jesus Sammy, what happened to us? When did we fault apart like this?

I stare ahead at the road, adjusting my grip on the steering wheel as I notice for the first time how white my knuckles are. The song on the radio fades to be replaced by another but I don't really hear it. All I hear is those words repeated round and round in my mind. All I hear is your voice and I miss the time when it was my conscience, the time when it said to me that I was being reckless, the time it berated me for jumping in without thinking first.

But now, now your voice tears me apart. Instead of keeping me straight, I feel like it's breaking me and cutting into me deeper than the knife Bobby used to kill the siren with.

"You hungry?" I finally ask, my voice almost raw as I break the silence between us.

I watch from the corner of my eye as you scoff and shake your head. But that's not your answer. That's your silent disapproval as I carry on the charade and pretend that nothing between us has changed. In fact, you don't even answer my question. You just simply say my name. You say it in such a way that I know exactly what's coming next but I can't hear it Sam. I can't listen to anymore lies or half-truths.

"Save it Sammy." I say instead and the silence falls again.

Tell me Sam. Will things ever be the same between us again? Will you ever look at me again, like you did once before? Tell me Sam. Will we ever be brothers again or are we too far gone to hold on?

Thank you for reading. Might still write a sequel from Sam's POV because the more I think about it, I'm only telling one side of the story here so it might be good to get into Sam's head for a change.