Disclaimer: I do not own anything or any character in this fan fiction (except for Wilber, the long dead goldfish. That was my creation.)
Summary: "Have you ever tried to count all of the things you regret? All the things you have done or said that you would go back and change, if you could? It seems like I spend way too much time lately counting all of my regrets." Another one shot look at what I feel a characters thoughts may be on season 4 events. This is a companion piece to my previous one-shot, No Regrets. Different character, and I'll again let you guess. And remember, this contains season 4 spoilers for episodes after Bark at the Moon.
My Regrets
Have you ever tried to count all of the things you regret? All the things you have done or said that you could go back and change if you could? It seems like I spend way too much time lately counting all of my regrets.
It always starts easy, with the little things, you know, the ones with minor consequences. Like the time when I told Manny the truth about what her new jacket looked like (I swear it looked like an 80's pimp jacket or something.) Or the time Manny and I put Heather Sinclair's training bra in the freezer at Manny's 10th birthday slumber party bash. The little things, easily forgiven.
Then they get a little bigger. Like the time when I was 8 and J.T. wanted me to fish sit his goldfish while he went on vacation for 3 weeks with his parents, and I fed the fish too much. But, in my defense, I was so worried about forgetting to feed the fish, I started feeding it 3 meals a day, which turns out to be fatal to a fish. J.T. and I cried for an hour when he came home and found Wilbur floating belly up in the bowl. I really regret over feeding that fish, but J.T. got that turtle he always wanted in the end. Some consequences, like the crying and the upset, but in the end, J.T. forgave me, and it all worked out fine.
Or the numerous times Manny and I and Liberty and I fought, all the mean things I have said to my friends. And Sean… all the fights I had with Sean within the course of our make-up and break-up relationship. And my desire for revenge after he hurt me. The way I first treated Snake when him and my mom first go together. I regret all of those things.
Then my regrets start getting even bigger. Like meeting that internet boyfriend in that hotel when I was 12. I shudder to think what could have happened if mom and dad hadn't shown up. I still try not to think about what happened there. I don't want to remember. It was, up until the whole Rick thing, the scariest moment in my life. I regret ever being stupid enough to meet him, to believe he was my soul mate or something silly like that, but in my defense, I was only 12. A dumb kid.
We all have things we regret, right? It's normal to make decisions you just can't change, isn't it? But… what happens when something you do causes so much destruction? I feel the regret suffocating me. All the things I wish I could have changed -- all the things I should have done differently. Because of me, someone died….
I should never have started the whole ribbon campaign. I should have given him a second chance first thing, instead of leading the cause to make his life miserable. I should have told my dad about all the abuse he was suffering, my dad could have helped. I should have let him down gently when he kissed me and everything. Instead I led the cause to make his life miserable, and, even after I decided to give him a second chance, I treated him like dirt when he was at his lowest moment. Maybe if I had been nicer to him, things would have been different. Maybe if I would have at least told someone how unbalanced he was that day, someone could have helped him. But, I treated him like dirt… I am responsible for his death, for Sean's almost death, for Jimmy's paralysis… Sure, I didn't set up the prank or anything, but I kicked him when he was down….
I tried so hard to be the perfect girl… but I'm anything but perfect. I couldn't hold on after Rick died. Trying to be brave and strong and perfect, I had been trying to be that way for so long, I barely remember why I kept trying to pretend… Maybe it was growing up without a dad with a mom who was growing up with me. She needed me to be strong, for her. Then Snake came along, and I finally had a dad, but he got sick, and I had to be the brave and strong and perfect girl for them, losing my boyfriend in the process, because I couldn't be brave and strong and perfect for him and everyone else.
Then Rick came, and it all fell apart. Surely my friends, my parents, the whole school could see that I was responsible. But they didn't. I was "perfect", so why would he want to kill me? Point a gun at me, and die as it was wrestled away by my ex-boyfriend? I heard them speculating about it (I still do, but not as much as they are talking about other things about me), but never once did they guess it was all my fault. That I caused all of this, from the minute Rick walked back into the school. All they saw was how the "perfect" girl befriended and stood up for the boy who would ultimately try to kill her. They don't see the real me. The girl who started it all by selfishly trying to fit in and be popular.
I used to be the girl with passionate conviction. Now I feel numb, dead inside. All I want to do is feel something other than the regret eating at my soul. But, instead, I just added to my regrets, didn't I? I hooked up with Jay in the van. Why did I do that? For a bracelet? Not really. For what the bracelet represented, though. The bracelet represented that I wasn't the perfect girl everyone thought. I thought Jay understood that. He seemed to understand me better than I did myself. For a moment, with him, I felt something again. I felt like he understood what it was like to be numb. But, in the end, the only reason he went after me was because I had "virtue or something." He didn't really know me, either. He thought I was the perfect girl, too, and the only reason he wanted me was because of the non-existent virtue everyone thought I had. But I don't. I caused a death, a shooting, the destruction of so many people's lives. I hooked up with a guy with a girlfriend in a van and suffered the consequences. I'm not perfect anymore. And now everyone knows, at least about the ravine thing. I guess I got my wish. No one thinks I'm perfect anymore. But now that the secret is out, why do I want to go back to the way it was before? I hated being the perfect girl in everyone's eyes when I knew how horrible I really was, so why do I regret that everything has changed?
I regret so many things. I cannot sleep at night, thinking about all my regrets. Sometimes, I remember that quote Rick gave in class one day "The weak cannot forgive. Forgiveness is a virtue of the strong." And I know what my problem is. I am weak. I did not forgive Rick early enough, before the whole ribbon campaign started that horrible chain of events. Before that, I did not forgive Sean all those times we broke up. More recently, I did not forgive Alex for all of those horrible things she has said and done to me before I hooked up with her boyfriend. And now, I know how truly weak and cowardly I am. Because no matter how hard I try, I cannot forgive myself.