Jesus...
It's been years since I've touched this journal. Sometimes I'd remember its existence, but I never felt compelled to write in it. I guess change comes at you no matter how you try to stop it. Where to start? Yesterdy was my 32nd birthday. It's been over 20 years since that first day of middle school. The first time I wrote in one of these journals. I still live in Plainville. I've tried my hand at leaving a few times. It never really panned out. I'm an insurance representative. I work in an office right in the middle of downtown. Rodrick has a wife, and a son. Veronica and Jason. He really made a point of cleaning up his act. He owns a company that makes accessories for phones. Manny has the absolute life. He invested in a tech startup back 4 years ago. His net worth is $400 million at 20 years old. He lives in Seattle. We don't have much contact. Rodrick and I visit him if we're near him, and vice versa, but his connections with the rest of the family mainly consist of burned bridges. Ever since mom passed away from a brain tumor, Dad hasn't been the same. He talks to Rodrick, but he cut off all communications with me and Manny. We always had a rocky relationship, but it still hurts knowing I'll probably never talk to him again. Rowley... I still think about him. He came out back in '21. I supported him all the way, until he confessed he had feelings for me. I made the point I still support him, but I wasn't interested. They found his body the next day, facedown on his apartment floor. I had councelling to try to releave the guilt, but I always feel like I should habe done more. I should have done something to save him. In the end, I couldn't save him from himself.
I guess that's what my life has been made up of. Yesterday Manny and Rodrick arranged for us to have lunch for my birthday. We reminisced on the past. Many of the childhood memories I shared are documented in this journal. It made me wish for those simpler times. When I had dreams, parents... and my best friend. All I'm left with now is two brother's who try to get through my emotional barriers. I can tell they care about me, but ever since Rowley's death, I haven't been able to open up. That's why I started journalling. I need to vent my feelings. They've been bottled up for 11 years now. I have no close family, no friends, a small apartment, and a job I'm completely apathetic about. Sometimes the thought of being with mom and Rowley crosses my mind. They were the two people that I had the most connection with, and they've both been gone for over a decade. It gets hard to carry on. But I know it's what mom and Rowley would've wanted. Bjt now I've realized I need to find more meaning in this life than carrying on in nothingness. I need to find something to live for...