A/N: This story is written in Deidara's point of view as a journal entry. Though the truth of the matter is the opinion, view, and events within it are truth despite the fact that I changed it to fit between two Naruto characters. I dedicate this to a life cut short in late 2004. The opinion of those that knew you and fel the opinion shared towards the end does not matter to me. Rest in True Peace my Shadow.
ItachiSilverwolf
No Regret
By: Silverwolf
I can honestly say I don't regret the time I spent with Itachi. The days we spent asleep together were short lived. It's not about time, it's about feeling. I felt love and I was loved. These are two things I know through my soul.
The subtle passage of time hasn't made me forget. Everything began so suddenly with my stubbornness and ending slowly with tears. I must have cried a river when it came time to say goodbye. In the end his suffering was over. He said I would regret loving him. That's not true. I don't regret loving him. I even accept the fact our time was short. I hold no regret when it comes to loving Itachi. There is only the love that still exists. There will never be another like him in my heart.
Most of the time I think I'll never love again. Maybe because despite the fact that it was over so suddenly it was deep. From the days we spent hidden by the blankets with his against me. The warmth of my body spilling over to warm his.
I've been told there are regrets in life, but I know there aren't any regrets in our love. I'll never regret the feelings I have for him. I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he told me how he felt. The way he stared in my eyes searching my soul for my answer. I couldn't deny him after that look.
Though there are times I regret the time we didn't have. I can't say I will ever heal completely. I won't ever lose the feelings I hold. Even after he's gone I hope he knows my love is still there. I'd like to believe at time I can still feel his love. There are times I feel like he's with me. I can feel his embrace. Sometimes I want to believe the sound I think I hear with the wind is his voice.
I did some stupid things to begin with. Upon hearing I say to say goodbye with him I wanted so badly to join him. To not live without him. I cut into my own flesh. All I wanted was him. I'd like to think as I cried myself to sleep with bleeding wrists I heard him; I felt him. It was him that asked me to open the locked door separating me from help on the other side.
When I didn't join him I swore I'd never feel anything again. I didn't want to. It wasn't about regreting the fact I loved him. It was about the tearing pain in my heart and the burning in my soul because I lost him. Though I can finally admit that I never cut deep enough for the possiblity of joining him where he is. Also I could never happen like that.
They say time heals all wounds. I don't believe that is truth. All time does is make it a bit more bearable when memories strike. I haven't forgotten Itachi. I never could. All I can do is hold dear what he meant to me and push on. Because the turth of the matter is if I had joined him that day maybe it would only proved that I regreted loving him.
I've can say that with his loss my heart is more closed than it ever was. Not because I can't love again. Because I know that when I do Itachi will have more of heart than whoever is at my side. Insane isn't it? To continue to hold such feeling for someone all ready dead. Maybe I am a bit insane for my deep feelings for Itachi even after he gone. Maybe I'm not.
Only time will solve that story I think. I hope he knows that though we are separated in this life now... or maybe I should say afterlife for him... (I'm exactly sure) that my love is still there. I hope he can feel it.
I've been told that since he haven't visited his grave since learning he is dead I'm cold-hearted. That is there no way I could've loved him. I don't believe that. I don't belive a seeing a grave marker states that you loved someone. I believe what is held in your heart tells of the love you felt.
Even if the world doesn't agree with that I'm comfortable with that. I don't expect them to understand how deep the feelings between us were. I don't expect someone that believes they felt my loss to actually know the feelings of my loss. Close friend to him or not. I don't expect them to understand how I feel or why I left things at my lonely goodbye with tears falling from my eyes and blood trickling from my skin when I begged to join his side and heard even though we shared a deep love that was not for me just yet.