Does Time Heal All Wounds?
The Funeral
(Andy)
The day I heard my brother was dead was the worst day of my life. It was just the two of us now, by ourselves, Ma and me. I don't remember the first days after the accident. Now Ma just sits there staring out the window. Me, I leave. I have to learn to get along without Aaron, so I might as well learn to get along without Ma, too, because it doesn't look like she wants to go on.
I couldn't wait for the last part to be over. It felt like everyone was staring at me standing at the foot of what would be my brother's grave; a six foot deep hole in the ground. Is that all we come to? A hole in the ground covered with dirt?
The worst part was the ceremony of it. They picked up my brother's coffin…no, not a coffin. Aaron was a big man. They didn't make regular coffins that size except by special order and Ma couldn't afford one. My brother was buried in a pine box because that's what everyone got that couldn't pay for a regular coffin. They put it in the hole, and everyone walked by and dropped a handful of dirt on top of it like they were helping to cover him up. There were so many of them dropping dirt on my brother that I thought they'd cover him up before the undertaker got to him. Where were they when Ma was yelling for help?
I didn't care. I just wanted it over with. But when Adam Cartwright stepped up to throw dirt on Aaron, I couldn't help myself. He'd already done his part to put him in that grave, and I wasn't going to let him do anymore. I ran over to him and shoved his hand away. I expected to get walloped, but when he looked at me, he looked sorry. I didn't want him feeling sorry for me. He shoulda been feeling sorry for himself. He shoulda saved him.
(Ellie)
I remember standing at the top of that hole, yelling for help…yelling at Adam to get him out of there. No one came. There wasn't anyone else around. Adam was digging, but as much as he dug, more dirt would fall down on top of him. Adam finally gave up and came up out of the well shaft. I tried to climb down, but Adam wouldn't let me go. I'll never forgive him for not letting me try.
The day of the funeral is still a blur. I remember people saying things to me, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. When it was time to stand by Aaron's grave, I remember someone catching me when my legs gave out. They were putting my boy in a hole in the ground and covering him with dirt, only this time, no one was going to dig him out. Somehow, I got to a chair sitting next to his grave. The last thing I remember was Andy yelling something at Adam Cartwright. I really didn't care. Adam didn't save my boy, and he stopped me from trying. He didn't deserve to be there to watch Aaron be covered with dirt again.
(Adam)
I knew he shouldn't have been down in that hole without more shoring, but the dirt was well packed, and we were making good progress…until Aaron pulled out that big rock. I was amazed that he could lift that rock up on his shoulder; it must've weighed a hundred and fifty pounds. Then when he started to climb out, I heard the ladder rung break and when he fell against the side of the shaft…it all happened so fast.
I remember his face looking up from the shaft smiling at me…he was so proud that he was digging that well mostly by himself. He was doing everything right. Until he fell. When he hit the side of the shaft as he was falling, he cracked the boards that were holding the sides back. First one cracked, then they all started cracking and breaking one by one until I couldn't see him. That face smiling up at me, those bright brown eyes full of pride all framed by his blonde curls…that face haunts me.
Andy didn't want me at the funeral. He had run off with his friends before the accident. He never saw Aaron again. He didn't get to see Aaron before the undertaker took him off.
Ellie…though she was there in body, she was absent. She's been that way ever since we finally pulled Aaron's body out of that well shaft. She stood there, watching, hoping until she saw him lying there on the ground…lifeless. I've never seen a woman change so quickly…like the life drained right out of her in split second.
Pa told me I should go, if not for them, for myself…for closure. Aaron was such a bright boy. He had become a friend. He had such promise. I found no closure there.
One Week
(Ellie)
When I got home from Aaron's funeral, there was food all over the house. Then the people came by. I think I just sat on the sofa. I remember wishing they'd all just take their food and go away. They stayed so long I finally just got up and went to bed. Someone said Andy would be staying over with one of his friends.
When everyone left, I remember going back to the sofa. I lay there, looking out the window. When it was light out, I lay there waiting for it to get dark. When it was dark out, I lay there waiting for it to turn light. Someone came by to take away the old food and bring more. Still, I lay there. I had only one thought. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children.
I vaguely remember Doc Martin coming by. He said something about eating. He brought me a glass of milk, and I remember getting it up to my mouth. That's as far as I could get it. I just sat on the sofa, holding that glass of milk to my lips. He finally took it away. He came by every day, handing me that glass of milk.
Andy. I asked Doc Martin about Andy, and he told me not to worry about him. He said he was fine. I just all of a sudden needed to see he was fine for myself. I told him to bring my Andy to me. I cried for my Andy. He was all I had left.
But when Andy came home, he smelled of whiskey. When I asked him where he'd been, he told me not to worry about it. Then when I asked again, he told me to leave him the hell alone. I didn't push it. He was home in his room. I didn't want to lose my youngest boy, too, so I left him alone.
The next day, Doc Martin came by. I drank a glass of milk.
(Adam)
Doc Martin came by the house today. He said he had finally been able to get a glass of milk in Ellie. Pa and I both breathed a sigh of relief. But Doc Martin told us Andy had been drinking. He said that some of his friends were stealing whiskey and giving it to him. Andy wouldn't talk to him. He said he was drunk and belligerent. Ellie knew. All she seemed to care about was that he was home where she could see him.
He asked me to go by and try to talk to Ellie. Doc said there was no point in trying to reach Andy without his mother's help, so we had to help Ellie before we could help Andy. But I don't know that Ellie will talk to me. They both blame me for letting Aaron go down that shaft. I'm not convinced they shouldn't.
Pa asked me to start taking my meals at the dining table, so I've been going downstairs for meals. But sitting in my chair at the table doesn't make me feel anymore like eating.
Every time I look over at Hoss, I see Aaron.
Two Weeks
(Andy)
Ma came to my room today asking if I was hungry. I held up a bottle and told her I had everything I needed. She asked me if I was trying to kill myself. I told her that maybe I was. I told her I saw no point in going on without Aaron…my best friend. She said she understood and left my room, closing the door behind her.
She didn't even look like my ma. Her dress was dirty, her hair was dirty…the one thing that has stayed with me is her face. She was white as a ghost and her eyes were…hollow…as if she was dead herself. I guess, maybe at that moment, she was.
It's so quiet now. I miss listening to Aaron talk about all the things he wanted to do when we were sitting on the front porch at night. I miss the way he would pick me up and carry me off to the wagon when Ma was ready to go to town. I miss his laugh.
Adam Cartwright rode into the yard. I saw him out my window. He didn't even get off his horse. He looked at the hole for a long time. Then he rode away. I wish he'd stay away. He shoulda saved him.
I miss Aaron.
(Ellie)
How can I help my son when I can't even help myself? Would it matter to him if I wasn't here? Would it matter to anybody? What's the point? Kyle and I worked hard so many years. Then Kyle died, but the boys and I moved on eventually. But now…Aaron…a mother's not supposed to outlive her child.
I should never have let him dig that well. But when he talked to Adam about it, they were both so excited…Aaron's eyes were lit up and his smile was bigger than ever. How could I not let him try? Adam said he'd make sure he did it all the right way. He said nothing would happen.
Adam rode into the yard today. He left without coming to the door. I know Doc Martin spoke to him; he said he did. I like to think that I wished him away. I don't want his help. I don't want anyone's help. I just want to be left alone.
(Adam)
I rode by Ellie's place today. The first thing I saw was what was left of the well Aaron had been so proud of. He had every right to be proud. He planned it, he dug it, he added the shoring. All I did was check it. I should have stopped him from carrying that rock. I knew it was heavy. I didn't think about the extra weight on the ladder. I should have.
When I looked down in that hole, I saw him, smiling up at me…
I left without knocking on the door and rode out to the lake. The crystal clear purity of the water always soothed me. It was peaceful…undisturbed...untouched…untainted. It has always left me sated, calming the ever-present turmoil in the back of my mind. Except today.
I had dinner in my room tonight. Well, that's where Pa brought it. I couldn't eat. We've lost Aaron. Now we're losing Ellie and Andy, and I don't know how to help them.
Three Weeks
(Adam)
I rode by Ellie's place again. It's been another week since I tried and three weeks since Aaron died. This time, I got off my horse and stood on the front porch. I raised my hand to knock on the door, but I couldn't. She said I let Aaron die. Did I? I tried to get to him, but the more I dug, the more dirt came down.
The door slowly opened and standing in front of me was a mere shadow of the woman who was Aaron's mother. It was as if when Aaron died, a large part of her died, too. We stood there, looking at each other, neither of us knowing what to say.
She finally opened the door wider and invited me in. She looked through me as tears started filling her eyes. As she slowly sank to the floor, I sank with her, and there we sat, holding on. I let her cry. She needed to get it out.
By the time I left, she had stopped crying. Even though we never said a word, I think we found a path to get back from the hell we were both in. She smiled a weak smile, and I smiled back, holding her hand until I turned to leave. She forgave me. We both took a tiny step forward today.
(Ellie)
Adam came by today. He stood on the porch at the front door. I waited for him to knock, but he never did, so I just opened the door. I had been so angry at him for not keeping Aaron safe. When I saw the deep lines on his face and the despair in his eyes, I knew he was punishing himself far more than I ever could. So I invited him in, and all the hate and blame in my heart just flowed out of me with the tears. Something inside of me told me I had to forgive him, even if he really wasn't to blame. Adam needed to be forgiven. I know he tried to save Aaron. He was almost buried himself before he gave up.
Aaron and Adam had a special bond ever since Kyle died. Adam kinda took Aaron under his wing where Aaron's Pa would have been, encouraging him, laughing with him, telling him he could be whatever he wanted to be…and helping him with books and questions. Adam talked to Aaron about his dreams. I knew Adam would never hurt him. I guess in all the pain, I forgot that. I remember now.
Andy stayed home today. He had started sleeping all day and going out at all hours of the night. Today, he and I ate a little bit together. Neither of us knew what to say, so we ate in silence. But as we sat there, Andy found my hand and held it. I think we both needed to know that the other wanted to keep on living. I have hope for Andy. Today was the first day we took a small step forward.
(Andy)
Adam Cartwright came by today. Ma didn't say anything to him, but she cried and he held her right in the floor until she stopped. I think Ma forgave him today. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
Aaron trusted him. Adam let him down. Adam let him die.
I've been hating all this time…everyone, but Ma doesn't deserve that. She hurts as much as I do, maybe even more. I know it hurts her when I drink. I can see it in her eyes. I know she walks away because she thinks I'll leave her, too. I'm all she has left.
I haven't seen her smile at all since Aaron died, and I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see her smile again. She smiled at me tonight. I think me and Ma moved forward today, if only a little.
Six Weeks
(Ellie)
It's been six weeks since I've ventured into town for supplies. I went once, a couple of weeks ago. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing. I know they mean well, but it seemed that everywhere I went…to pick up the mail, to pay my bill at Mr. Murdock's, to pick up some cooking supplies at Mr. Cass's, everyone asked the same question. I told them Andy and I were doing as well as could be expected. I just wish they'd talk to me like they used to. I don't need to be reminded every time I go into town what I've lost. But that's all they want to know. I'm going to ask Adam to pick up supplies for me. I just don't want to face those people, knowing the one question they will ask.
(Andy)
I was looking forward to going to town, but Ma asked Adam to pick up the supplies. I can't say I don't understand. It seems everyone still wants to talk about Aaron. I'm sure Ma thinks about him most of the day, but it's not like she needs to be reminded. She's keeping herself up now, on the outside, but she's only eating just enough to live. For all it's worth, she's trying…she fixes food for me, she tends the garden, she pays the few ranch hands we have…she does everything she has to do to keep the ranch. But when it's all done, she sits and stares out the window.
I'm gonna ask if I can ride into town with Adam. I need something to take my mind off that hole in the yard…and that bottle under the bed. I tried to clean the hole out, but Ma got real upset when I started. She's never been one to yell at us, but she yelled at me. After she sent me to my room, she cried the rest of the day. I guess it's still too soon for her.
(Adam)
I told Ellie I'd pick up supplies for her in town. It seems the well-meaning folks of Virginia City are just too much for her to deal with. Maybe it is too soon for her, but Andy was just itching to be anywhere but the ranch today. I was surprised when he asked if he could ride with me. Up 'til now, he hasn't said a word to me since the accident. Maybe he's ready to talk or maybe he just needs to do something…anything, besides staring at that hole in the front yard.
(Adam)
On the way back from town, Andy told me he tried to clean broken wood out of the hole. He said Ellie yelled at him and sent him to his room. He didn't blame her. He understood she was afraid of losing him. I told him it was too dangerous to try it on his own, and it was probably too soon for his mother to deal with. I asked him to wait. He said he didn't have anything to do to keep his mind off the accident, so I gave him a book to read…"Oliver Twist". At first, Andy didn't take the book, but when I told him it was one of Aaron's favorites from a few years ago, he did. I hope he takes the time to read it.
Three Months
(Ellie)
I went into Aaron's room today. I had intended to go through his things, give his clothes to the church or keep them for hand-me-downs for Andy. I doubt Andy will ever be that big anyway. But when I opened Aaron's wardrobe and started going through his clothes…I couldn't do it. It's been three months now, but I just couldn't.
Aaron had a pocket watch that had belonged to his Pa. He also had a pocket knife that he bought with his own money. I remember he raised an orphaned calf…slept in the barn with it after its birth…fed it. Then when it was time to sell it, he cried, though he would never have admitted that. He'd become attached to the thing. But living on a ranch, he knew from the beginning that calf would be sold right along with the rest of 'em. By that time, Adam had been talking to him about college and promised he'd help him study if he'd save his money. The only thing he bought was that pocket knife.
Aaron's college money. It's still in the bank. What am I supposed to do with that?
I realized I'd been standing in the middle of that room that whole time, and Andy had been watching me from the door of his bedroom. I took the watch and the pocket knife and left Aaron's room, closing the door behind me. Then I gave both of them to Andy. I told him his Pa and Aaron would want him to have the watch. I told him I thought Aaron would be proud if he'd keep the pocket knife, too. Then we both cried. That pretty much ended our day.
(Andy)
Robbie Taylor brought over another bottle of whiskey today. Me and him went out behind the barn and drank the whole thing. I snuck back in my room and fell asleep. It's just as well. I think Ma would be real upset if she knew I was still drinking. It's funny. If Aaron were here and he found out I was drinking, he'd skin me alive. And then he'd tell Ma anyway, and she'd skin me alive. But Aaron's not here and Ma…I think Ma's afraid she'll run me off. I don't think she thinks she could handle it I left. Not like that, anyway.
Ma tried to go through Aaron's things today. She opened his wardrobe, stood there looking in it, and then just closed the door. Then she stood in the middle of his room for a long time just looking at something in her hand. When she left his room, she came to me. I had gotten up and was watching her from my bedroom door. She handed me Dad's pocket watch and Aaron's knife. God, I miss Aaron.
(Adam)
I rode by Ellie's place today on the way to town. I saw Andy sitting with Robbie Taylor behind their barn. He was drinking right out of the bottle. I stopped and watched, but only for a moment. I'll have to talk to Andy, but I didn't want to do it there…not where Ellie might overhear. If she knew… She's putting one foot in front of the other right now, but she's still hurting. She never smiles…I mean really smiles. She just politely nods. She has moments when she just stops and stares at nothing. I wonder what antic of Aaron's she's remembering…maybe it's just his smile…maybe his voice. I remember his smile and his laugh. I guess I still have my moments to remember, too.
Four Months
(Adam)
I cornered Andy today in town. What I thought was a small problem has turned out to be much bigger. I say I cornered him because when he saw me coming he ran. I knew he'd been drinking…you could smell him ten feet away. He wouldn't admit it. I'll never understand why men won't admit they're drunk when they're drunk as if it wasn't obvious. Andy was drunk, and if he kept going, he'd be falling down drunk. I took him by the scruff of the neck into the livery and dunked him in a water trough. When he finally quit sputtering, I asked him why he was doing that to himself and his mother. He said his Ma didn't know, and he didn't really care if she found out. I wanted to believe that was the whiskey talking.
I sobered him up and took him home, but I didn't have the heart to tell Ellie. I'll just have to keep my eye on him. This would break her heart, and I don't know if there's enough heart left in her to survive this.
(Andy)
I hate Adam Cartwright. What right does he have following me around telling me what I can and can't do? He's not my pa. He took me home and said if I needed something to do, I should read that book. Well, I threw his book in the hole where he left Aaron. Aaron shoulda been paying attention to what he was doing. It was just as much his own fault as it was Adam's. Adam was always here talking to Aaron, going fishing, digging that hole, leaving him books…like Adam was trying to replace Pa. And Aaron was fine with that. I think Pa was rolling over in his grave. I just wish Adam would leave us alone. We don't need his kind of help.
(Ellie)
I'm worried about Andy. He's not eating again. He doesn't talk to me. He sleeps late, then he leaves, and he doesn't get back home until late. I thought he was getting better, but all of a sudden, he's back to where he was right after Aaron died. He's so angry, but he won't talk to me so I can ask what he's so angry at. If I push him, he just yells and locks himself in his room. I'm losing him. I'll die if something happens to Andy. If Andy leaves, there won't be any reason to keep going.
Six Months
(Adam)
I thought I could set Andy straight. It's been six months since Aaron died and now Andy's run off and Ellie's barely hanging on. I told her ranch hands to keep working and come to the Ponderosa if they had any problems. Then Pa and I brought Ellie to the house to stay. I didn't want to leave her alone. I was afraid she might do something to herself. She was frantic and wasn't making much sense.
I'll leave in the morning to find Andy and bring him home. I don't think he'll be too hard to find…he's become a well known town drunk. Sixteen is old enough to be considered a man, but way too young to be a drunk.
Pa said not to worry about Ellie. He and Joe and Hoss would take care of her while I'm gone.
(Ellie)
Hop Sing keeps bringing me food. I wish they'd just leave me alone and let me just wait by myself. Mr. Cartwright asked me what I was waiting for. I told him I'm waiting for the Lord to just take me. I don't want to be here on the Earth anymore. I can't kill myself because then I'd never get to see Aaron and Kyle again. It's said suicide is an unforgivable sin. So I wait.
(Adam)
I knew it wouldn't be long before I found Andy. The day after I left, I found him in Carson City lying against the back of building in an alley, unconscious, two empty bottles lying next to him. He'd finally gone and drank himself stupid. I hauled him up on Sport and carried him home.
I stayed the night pouring coffee into him. I asked him if he knew what he was doing to his mother. He said he didn't care, and I told him he was being selfish. I told him a man would always put the ones he loves first.
He asked me why I didn't do that. He said he knew I loved Aaron like a son. But I let him die. There was no point in trying to explain anything to him. He wasn't going to listen to anything I had to say. So the next day, I took him to the Ponderosa. Both Ellie and Andy stayed with us for at least a month before Ellie came downstairs and pronounced she was taking Andy home. She thanked us for our hospitality and said there was nothing anyone could do for them. As she and Andy walked out the door, I moved to stop them, but Pa grabbed my arm. He said to let them go…that they couldn't be helped if they didn't want to be helped.
One Year
(Adam)
For the lastg six months I've gone over to Ellie's a couple of times a week. Ellie did what had to be done, but no more. She said Andy was sleeping a drunk off in his room. She said she'd rather have him drunk and home than off somewhere where she wouldn't even know if he was alive. She didn't say it, but she was still waiting. Only Andy was home, and she had to wait until Andy did whatever he was going to do. So she ate. She drank water. She paid the bills. And she sat. Waiting.
I was so angry. I couldn't stand watching them destroy themselves anymore. I went to Andy's room and dragged him out to the hole. Ellie followed us. She didn't say anything, but she looked horrified. I made him start digging. When he stopped, I shoved him back in the hole and made him keep going. I got down on my hands and knees with him and put his hands on the boards and made him pull them out of the dirt until he finally let out what was eating his insides.
"HE PROMISED ME HE'D NEVER LEAVE ME! HE LIED! HE LIED TO ME!"
I grabbed his shoulders and shook him as he broke down. "Look at me, Andy!"
Andy just crumpled into a heap. "He lied, he lied. He left me."
"Andy, he didn't leave you. It was an accident. He didn't die on purpose. And he sure wouldn't want you to go on like this." I looked up at Ellie. "You either."
Then I told them what happened. I told him about the rock and that the ladder rung broke. I told them Aaron fell against the shoring, and it started cracking and just kept cracking and breaking until the dirt was pouring in. I told them his eyes weren't open, and he wasn't moving as I watched it all fall in on top of him. I told them he didn't know what happened.
"Andy, it was just an accident. He didn't mean to die."
All three of us were sitting in that hole. We must have sat in that hole for an hour, before any of us could move. It was all finally out. All this time, Andy had been angry at Aaron for dying. All this time, Ellie was mourning both of her boys.
The next day, Andy and Ellie cleaned out Aaron's room. Andy kept a few pieces of clothing that were special to him. Ellie gave all the other clothes to the church. The rest of Aaron's belongings were boxed up. I carried the box up to the attic for them and closed the door.
Epilogue-Ten Years
(Adam)
Andy and I eventually got the hole cleaned out and started rebuilding the shaft. We finished the well the second year after Aaron died. Andy read "Oliver Twist" and every other book I brought him to read.
Ellie changed the name on Aaron's account at the bank to Andy's and with a little extra help, he went to college. He graduated a few years ago. He's an Engineer working in San Francisco. He comes home to see his mother every quarter, and we always go to the International House for dinner the day he arrives. As much traveling as Andy does, there's one thing he never forgets to take with him. He puts it on the bed table wherever he lays his head. It's the only picture that was ever made of Aaron.
To this day, Ellie still has her moments. Sometimes the smallest thing brings back a memory, and she laughs at the memory of Aaron's antics, then cries remembering he's not there.
She asked me to bring the box out of the attic five years ago. She stared at that box for an hour. Several times, she had her hands on the twine tied around it. In the end, she asked me to put it back in the attic.
She asked me again today. This time, she untied the twine, and the first thing she took out of the box was Aaron's first pair of boots. She broke down. I took the boots from her and put them back in the box, and put the box back in the attic.
I guess Ellie's healed as much as she's going to. The pain of losing her son will never be completely gone for her. And the box will stay in the attic…for now.