"How did I get here..." Max sat alone in her dorm room a few days before Christmas knitting some ugly scarf that he is just going to hate. What do you get someone who can buy anything for Christmas? A question that ran through her mind a hundred times over the past month. It couldn't be anything expensive, seeing as she had essentially no money and it had to be something he could easily explain away should anyone else find it. Nothing romantic or his friends would ask questions if he couldn't stash it in a drawer fast enough when they came into his room. Something that could easily be hidden away until he was alone...kind of apropos of their relationship. The crochet hooks suddenly stopped their rhythmic stitching as she looked out the window at the depressing thought crossed her mind.
A very light snowfall was covering the canvas outside as the images of students packing up to return to their families came to mind. The last of the mid-terms ended today and everyone was getting ready to spend a well deserved two week break with their families far away from the evil-aura that surrounded any textbook. Max was trapped in the abysmal vortex that was Blackwell Academy for winter vacation due to a series of unfortunate events depending on who you asked. Her parents somehow managed to win a contest that would send them on a ten day cruise for Christmas. So instead of wasting almost a thousand dollars to fly to and from an empty home she agreed to stay in the dorms to save money.
Of course, Mom felt horrible and spent way too much on Christmas presents as well as money for a small tree to put in her room with a somewhat threatening letter to not open any of the presents until Christmas Day. At first she was sad to spend her Christmas holiday in a school but her parents worked so hard to send her to this private school...they deserved a break too. So sh waved them off through FaceTime with a smile and sunk back into her bed. He was sure to be on his way back home soon. With so many people around there was no way that she could see him off no matter how much she wanted too.
Not even being able to hug him before being apart for two weeks was painful. What was more painful was the fact that he was too embarrassed to be seen in public with her. Max looked down at the half-made Christmas scarf on her lap. Time had gotten away from her with studying for mid-terms and there was no way she was going to be able to finish it before Christmas so she would have to send it off once it was finished. That option was for the best as she wouldn't be able to give it to him personally and leaving it around his dorm ran the risk of someone else coming across it and asking questions.
It was for my own good, she had tried to convince herself of that so many times but the longer they hid the less she believed it. Max could handle Victoria and her posse, anything they would say or do if they found out wasn't anything they weren't doing already. He assured her that they would become worse, attempt to split them up or physically hurt her and sneaking around until they graduated was the best course of action. Would it end with graduation? Why did we need to keep our relationship a secret? If they were his real friends they would want him to be happy no matter who he was with. There was no convincing him and after multiple fights she just decided to let it go.
Max couldn't stop her thoughts from reaching even darker corners as she stared at the melting snowflakes hitting her dorm room window. They had been paired together for their Math mid-term project. She had never been very good at math but the subject became infinitely more interesting when they were able to sit at the picnic tables before the weather became too cold to study. At times he would become irritated after the explaining things for the third time and snap at her but it only caused her to work harder as to not disappoint him. That was until Victoria caught him smiling from across the lawn and made her way over.
"How charitable of you, Nathan, to pretend to give a shit about anything this poser has to say. Just because you were forced to be her partner doesn't mean you have to be nice to her. I can feel your social IQ plummeting by the second being around her lame aura. Come to the library so you don't completely fail math...you don't have to put her name on it." Victoria's words didn't hurt Max particularly, putting her down was essentially an Olympic sport for Victoria. It was his response that hurt.
"Yeah, you're right, lets get out of here." Max wasn't expecting him to stand up to Victoria but a small part always hoped he would. He jumped off the table and walked away. The look he gave her when he turned back was what kept her going. He was only trying to keep the few people in his life he felt he could trust close. However...it made Max have lingering questions. Who would he choose if Victoria gave them an ultimatum? Their relationship was a phantom, no one knew about them and if he disappeared tomorrow there would be nothing to remind her of their time together apart from her memories and the texts in her phone. A sharp knock at the door made Max snap out of her thoughts and nearly drop the crochet hooks.
"Yes?" Warren hadn't mentioned that he was coming over before he left for the holidays but it wasn't entirely unlike him to show up unannounced.
"It's me, hurry up and open the door." The voice on the other side was not Warren Graham. What on Earth was he doing here!?
"O-One second!" Max leaped up and began folding up the scarf as quickly as possible. She shoved the scarf underneath her bed next to a few gift ideas that didn't pan out. A half completed scrapbook of Fall and Winter landscape shots, a few of which were also selfies that she abandoned after he refused to take any pictures with her in case someone came across them in her room. A box filled with unused photos, colored leaves and handmade Christmas Decorations laid tipped over beside it. There were a few scarves that were the casualties of her self-taught attempts at knitting that ranged from a few inches to a foot or so each in a variety of colors.
"Come on!" Max pulled the comforter over the mattress so it touched the floor and hid his present before rushing and opening the door. Standing in the door frame looking extremely annoyed was Nathan Prescott. "What the fuck took so long?" He pushed his was into the room and looked out the window before shutting the curtains.
"S-Sorry, I was getting dressed." He turned back with a raised eyebrow. He didn't seem to be in a very good mood. He moved past her and pulled open her closet door and began pushing her clothes aside. "What are you doing?" His head snapped back towards her and she instinctively withdrew a bit from his harsh gaze. He was having a bad day.
"You're wearing the same thing you were during the math exam this morning." Max blushed at the idea of Nathan staring at her from across the room during his test. "So you took your clothes off to put them back on?" She was a terrible liar. "Where is that fucking bitch I'm gonna knock his fucking head off."
"Nathan, calm down, what are you talking about?" He was angrily pacing between the closet and the window looking through them both several times.
"Who the fuck else would put their hands on you, Caulfield?!" He yelled back at her.
"I...don't understand." He was so angry he wasn't making any sense to her.
"How long have you been fucking around with him behind my back? I didn't think you were such a whore." He thought she was fooling around with Warren?!
"Nathan, what are you talking about? Warren hasn't been here. He's packing to go back home like everyone else..."
"Then why the fuck are you lying to me?" She hastily tried to dance around her white lie. She wanted her Christmas gift to be a surprise but it was only getting her into trouble and Nathan was getting more livid by the second. She swore she could see the vein in his temple throbbing. Her best bet was just to tell him the truth and ruin the surprise rather then test her luck in trying to come up with a better lie.
"I was just..."
"Don't fucking bother...to think I was going to stay in this shit hole because of you." Nathan pushed past her and pulled the door open so hard it slammed against the wall with a loud thud that knocked over some of the picture frames on her desk. "Fucking bitch." He hissed before storming out of the room and slamming the door with equal force. Her breath hitched in her throat as tears began to sting her eyes. Everything had happened so fast she barely had any time to process what was going on. All she wanted was for him to be surprised by her gift and now he was going away for two weeks angry at her.
Max pushed the curtains back to look over the snow coated walk ways that lead from the dorms to the main campus. Nathan was stomping through the grass instead of walking on the pathways in an attempt to kick up as much snow as he could manage. She noticed that he wasn't wearing a jacket to keep warm so he couldn't be going far.
"To think I was going to stay in this shit hole because of you..." Did he cancel his plans to go home? Did he come over after most of the others had already packed up and left to tell her that? They had both finished their last exam hours ago which is why she was so surprised to see him at her door. He should have been off campus hours ago but there he was...breathing fire down her neck. There was no reason trying to contact him now. He was simply too angry and attempting to call or text him would result in him either answering long enough to sling a lungful of insults or simply turning off his phone.
Max sat back down on the bed as soon as Nathan was out of the sight line and reached under her bed to pull out the half finished scarf. Was there even any reason to continue the project? She had seen Nathan angry plenty of times before but he has never been so angry that he refused to fight with her. Usually they would argue, he would call her names and she would calm him down and the two of them would work it out. Not this time it would seem. Her fingers sunk into the small holes in the stitch work of the scarf as her tears soaked into the red yarn. Their relationship always felt so fleeting but could really end over a misunderstanding.
Max took out her phone and pulled open the contacts. A smiling Nathan, a selfie he had taken just for her, was staring back at her. She wanted so badly to press the call button and tell him it was all a misunderstanding and to come back. She dropped the cellphone loudly onto the desk and rolled over. She clutched the scarf close to her chest as if it were a security blanket as she cried into her pillow. This was not the first time she had shed tears over Nathan Prescott. It was the first time that she wasn't sure if she would ever stop crying.
When Max opened her eyes again she was met with darkness only illuminated by the Christmas lights she had hung up around the ceiling of her dorm room. She rolled over to see that her nap had lasted a little longer than she expected it would. Her shoulders were stiff and a small headache was forming behind her right eye, throbbing with her increasing heartbeat as she reached for her phone. When she pushed the power button to activate the home screen she was shocked to see the amount that she missed. 12 missed calls and 7 missed text messages in the three or so hours she had been asleep. Nathan Prescott's smiling face accompanied every missed message.
Max pulled up the text messages and her hand absentmindedly clutched scarf that she had become tangled in in her sleep.
"I'm sorry, Max."
"Please forgive me. Pick up the phone."
"Max...I'll try harder I promise just talk to me."
"Are you mad at me...?"
"I know I'm a fucking bastard...but it's only because I like you so much."
"Maxine...call me please."
"Your ignoring me is killing me..."
It was a little bit sick that she was so relieved that he was so remorseful. She didn't know how she would react if she thought Nathan was hiding Victoria in his closet upon a surprise visit. Lying was always the worst possible option for Max...it never turned out the way she hoped when she started. Her phone vibrated as she went to switch to her call history. Nathan was calling again. She quickly pushed the accept button and greeted him as gingerly as she could.
"Nathan?" She didn't want to assume that he was still feeling guilty. Due to the amount of calls and texts she slept through it wouldn't be outlandish to assume he had migrated from remorseful to angry again if he thought she was intentionally ignoring him.
"Thank God...I was beginning to think you weren't going to talk to me again." He sounded out of breath and hoarse.
"Of course not...sorry, I fell asleep..." That didn't sound well and her words instantly made her nervous. Would he think she didn't care that he was mad and she just fell asleep out of boredom?
"You always fall asleep after swimming or after you cry," he almost whispered. "I-I made you cry again, didn't I?"
"It's okay," she started but was quickly interrupted.
"No, it's not. God..." She could almost picture him pacing in his room. "I'm such an asshole. How could I think you were messin' around...?" Max let out a small chuckle.
"It takes two people to have a fight...I didn't help. I just-I didn't want to tell you I was working on your present or else you'd have pestered me to see it...and I can't say no to you." Nathan let out a scoff.
"You were doing something nice and I accused you of something... How fucked up is that?"
"Don't say things like that," she tried desperately to stop the self-harm he was placing on himself. "You did it because you care. If you really thought I was messing around with someone and you didn't care that would scare me more."
"Stop trying to make excuses for me," he snapped. "I treated you like shit for no reason. Just like I always do. God, why do you even put up with any of it? I'm waiting for the day when you finally come to your senses and leave my dumb ass. You deserve better..." His voice faded as he sniffled loudly and let out a sigh that was ragged like he was trying not to cry and her heart felt like it froze. She had seen Nathan go from from smiling to tears before and every time it killed her to see him like that. Honestly, she'd much rather have him yelling at her then crying over anything.
"I don't want better. I like you, dummy," he let out a soft surprised chuckle. "Why do you think I put up with your dumb ass? For my health? You know how many times I've accidentally stabbed myself trying to finish this stupid present you're probably gonna end up hating? You think I'd do that for just anyone? These hands were meant to take pictures not..." Max stopped as she came close to revealing her gift for him. "Well...for what they're trying to do for you now."
"I won't hate it...not if you made it," she smiled as he was whispering again and she could almost hear the smirk on his face. "What is it?"
"Oh no. I did not successfully hide it this long just to tell you a few days before it's finished."
"It was worth a shot," he trailed off. Nathan was never one for long phone conversations and this might have been their record longest to date. "Max?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you...maybe wanna come over?" Max sort of froze up at the words. It was such a simple phrase, normal couples hung out all the time, but they were not a normal couple. Looking back on it, she didn't think she had ever actually been alone together before. Of course they had spent time together but it was always in a semi public place; in class, the library or the park but they had never actually been alone in each others rooms alone. Too much risk of other people seeing them together. They had to be one of only a small handful of kids still on the campus as most of Blackwell was local population. "Max...?"
"Hmm?" She must have dozed off a bit at the sound of "come over" and thought about it a little too long.
"There's...no pressure or anything. You can stay as long as you want. I just...I stayed here because I figured this was the only way I'd get to spend any time with you. I don't want to be alone," he sounded almost desperate.
"Sure. I'll be right over," she might have answered a little too quickly. The thought of being able to actually spend time with Nathan doing normal couple things was incredibly exciting to even imagine.
"Really?" He sounded almost as surprised as she was at her response.
"Yeah...It's weird but...I wanna sit on the floor with a pizza and an old movie that you watched as a kid."
"You're so sentimental, Caulfield." Max smiled as she reached up to grab her winter jacket.
"Maybe I am. I'll be there in five," she hung up and pulled her jacket on and quickly rummaged through her drawers for a scarf to wear. Even though there were probably less than a dozen other kids on campus right now she still didn't want to run the risk of bumping into someone. With little else to Tweet about other than what was under their trees the gossip would be swift and unrelenting once everyone returned to school. The weather was not as cold as she expected it to be this time of year and the snow was light and fluffy. There was barely enough on the ground to make an even coat. Not exactly a picturesque white Christmas but at least it didn't look like spring.
The door swung open immediately and she nearly lost her balance as Nathan wrapped his arms around her shoulders in a tight hug. She let out a soft giggle as he buried his face into her shoulder and held them there.
"Nathan?" He pulled her inside and shut the door, he looked incredibly relieved but it was very obvious that he had been crying.
"Sorry about the mess," he was hurriedly trying to pick up stray papers and other things that littered the floor. It almost looked as if a small hurricane had plowed through his room. His desk was completely cleared as everything on it was on the floor. "I kind of lost my mind." Max leaned down and placed her hand on top of his as he attempted to pick up shards of broken glass from a bottle.
"It's alright, go to fast and you'll end up hurting yourself," she smiled softly and his shoulders slumped a bit. She helped him pick up the mess which included decorations to a small tree he kept in the corner. Nathan didn't really seem like the holiday spirit type so Max was surprised to see any sort of decorations in his room at all. She supposed even the Grinch deep in his heart wanted a nice Christmas like everyone else. "How did your exams go?"
"You really wanna talk about school?" Nathan scoffed as he dropped like a ton of bricks beside her, his back against the frame of his bed.
"Is there something else you'd rather talk about?"
"No...I don't really wanna talk," she nearly jumped out of her skin when she turned to give him a quizzical look and her nose brushed against his cheek he was so close. He took the chance to press his lips against hers when she didn't back away from him. She wasn't scared more so shocked. If it weren't for a few racy texts after a night of partying she would have nearly classified Nathan as entirely asexual. Even though they kept their relationship entirely secret she expected to be suddenly pulled into storage closet for a make out session after Art Theory. That's what happened in the movies anyway. Nathan had never physically laid a hand on her in anyway and she was beginning to wonder if he was attracted to her at all. It's easy to type your desires but much more difficult to act on them.
Max sighed softly and leaned into his kiss as his hand reached up and touched her neck. His hands felt like they were dusted in hot charcoal as he pressed against her skin. His other hand was used to support him as he leaned with a few fingertips laying lightly over hers. This kiss was surprisingly calming in a way she never expected from Nathan. She always imagined their first kiss would be awkward and rushed with a lot of roaming hands. If anything she was a realist and although she wanted to believe in perfect moments it was never something she expected from Nathan Prescott.
"I'm sorry..." When Max opened her eyes she was looking at a small white teddy bear no bigger than cellphone adorned with a Christmas hat. "I couldn't find anything bigger, everything is closed."
"It's perfect," she took the bear and ran her fingers over the soft white fur. "Thank you."
"It's just a bear," Max smiled at him and his seemed to melt like ice. He would never be able to understand just how much this simple bear meant. It was something that when she stumbled into her dorm after a long day of studying and dealing with only being able to watch her boyfriend from a few feet away she could hold onto it. Something that when Victoria made a snide comment about how she would die alone with seven cats and a million selfies she could smile at it knowing that what they had was real. Something to get her through the hard times. Something real. "So, a movie huh?" Nathan stood up and started going through the small stack of movies they had picked up earlier.
"No, we're not watching that," Max rushed over to push the case for Jack Frost out of his hands. "I want to actually be able to sleep tonight and I don't want to be terrified every time I look at a snowman. This one."
"No..." Nathan rolled his eyes as she smiled back at him holding The Search For Santa Paws. "That stuff is for babies."
"Adorable animals trying to save Christmas is for babies?"
"Kind of...yeah."
"And a 70's movie about a serial killer possessing a snowman and going on a murder spree is for adults?" He huffed and sat back down.
"Fine, put in your dog movie. I'm not gonna be watching it anyway," Max raised her eyebrows as she pushed the DVD into the projector. "I have a lot of time to make up for with you, Caulfield."