A/N: Yep, another hatefic. I came up with this idea one day at school. I put it in the form of a blog, because, really, what's more funny than vampires online fighting about their manhoods?

And keep in mind that I barely know how to write the Salvatore brothers in character, let alone any of the Anne Rice vampires. So that's why they're not in this fic. I might include Harmony (from BtVS) and Count (from Sesame Street) later.

Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon, Bram Stoker, L.J. Smith, or Darren Shan. I do not own Blogger either.

Rated: T. Coz of bad language and certain... references. :D

Welcome

Posted by: Dracula

Greetings, fellow creatures of the night. Welcome to 'The Wacky Vampire Blog Full of Craziness', which is where us vampires can tell our tales of adventure, discuss our certain achievements in slaughtering humans, and, in modern terms, bitch about the accursed slayers!

Now, I'm afraid due to my limited knowledge of modern technology, I am unable to censor this blog from humans, and so I took the time to invent a code:

Kill – translate

Fangs – teeth

Murder – blah

Blood – potato

I will install a special code program later, just to be on the safe side.

Enjoy blogging and may the wonders of the internet amuse you like it did for me.

This message shall be deleted after exactly 7 days.

Comments:

Spike: What about 'vampire', eh, mate? Why aren't you make a code for that? Idiot.

Dracula: Ah, William. I knew you would find this sooner or later. The reason I did not encode the word 'vampire' was because there was no need. Nowadays, vampires are in. Because of that wretched Twilight.

Damon: Or with all the talk of 'potatoes', they could just assume we're crazy.

Stefan: LOL, brother!

Darren: Isn't kill and murder the same thing? And I agree, Twilight sucks.

Dbfedfc

Posted by: Angel

..;;ko[p;lkp;l,

Comments:

Damon: What the hell?

Angel: Sorry, I was going to post something, but I accidentally pressed my elbow onto the keys, and then I tried to delete it and start over, but then I accidentally posted it. :(

Spike: You… Wut… Are you actually that technologically retarded?

Darla: Yes, he is. He actually used the phrase "chatty-rooms" once.

Spike: ROFL!

Angel: Darla? You're… alive? And how did you know I said "chatty-rooms"?

Darla: No, I am not alive, still dust. The PTB have many resources, though. I hacked into one of their laptops. And I know about you saying "chatty-rooms" because the PTB somehow tapes everything you do, cuts out the uninteresting bits, and sell it as a TV series in another dimension.

Angel: Really? Why?

Spike: Apparently releasing 40 minute clips about some ponce who looks fashionable and wants to save the world makes you millions. And by the way, you stole my look. Black leather was my idea first!

Damon: Um, I think you'll find it was my idea?

Darla: Wow, I can feel the testosterone even over the internet. Are you guys going to get into a bitchfight?

Spike: No, we're not going to get into a potato bitchfight.

Spike: Ah, bugger.

Fuck you, nancyboy Dracula

Posted by: Spike

Okay, so I was having fun on this blog, yeah, teasing Peaches about his stupidity and apparently nearly getting into a bitchfight with one of the Salvatore brothers, when I discovered this – this injustice! The word bloo/dy (without the slash) has been censored! Count Poof-ula, bloo/dy is not the same as bloo/d.

Comments:

Dracula: My apologies, William. ;D

Spike: Do not call me by that poofy name!

Darla: Geezus, Spike. PMSing much?

Spike: STOP GOING ON ABOUT ME BEING A potato WOMAN!

Spike: ARGH!

Haha!

Posted by: Angel

Spike can't say bloo/dy anymore!

Re: Haha!

Posted by: Spike

At least I wasn't sobbing like a git at the ballet.

Hey!

Posted by: Angel

That was ONE time. Okay?

Re: Hey!

Posted by: Spike

That one time we... got together was also one time. Didn't mean it didn't happen, Peaches.

I see your point...

Posted by: Angel

That one time was kinda... fun. The second one time, I mean. Shall we try it again?

Hmmm...

Posted by: Spike

... Nah. The fans would like it, but that Whedon bloke burns every relationship he touches. I mean, look at me and Buffy, and you... and Buffy...

Okay, okay!

Posted by: Dracula

We get that you and Angel have your differences. And more importantly, that you both had a temporary moment of insanity and dated... the Slayer. Now can you please refrain from speaking that name ever again?

Comments:

Spike: You're just bitter that you didn't eliminate her when you had the chance. ;D

The stars guided me here

Posted by: Drusilla

They told me good things... My knight William is here, and Daddy too... but they're both in the light, far far away from me... naughty boys. :P Miss Edith is upset.

Comments:

Angel: Um... Drusilla... hi?

Spike: Hi? 5 potato years of not seeing her and you say HI?

Spike: Oh, potato hell!

Angel: Well, what else are you supposed to say?

Spike: I dunno... but don't just say "Um... hi" like a git is NOT how you do it.

Angel: God, Spike! You have to analyse everything I say and do and insult it! Even if it's as small as the way I greet my childe! Stop badgering my life just because you can't fix yours!

Drusilla: Daddy and William are fighting! Bad! No sweet children for you to taste. :( :( :(

Spike: Calm down, Dru. Why don't you go check up on Miss Edith?

Drusilla: No! Shhh. Miss Edith must not be disturbed. She's reading the bad book!

Angel: Bad book?

Drusilla: The bad toilet book that got William and Daddy and Grandmummy upset.

Spike: Toilet? Wha- oh, Twilight!

Angel: Toilet... LOL :D

Hahaha!

Posted by: Angel

I find it funny that Drusilla called Twilight "Toilet". She seems to have gotten some of her sanity back! Score one for the real vampires!

This blog makes me chagrined D:

Posted by: Edward

I am deeply ashamed at this blog. Why? Because it bashes sparkly vampires and my biography, the Twilight Saga.

Look, just because the idea of vampires have evolved doesn't mean you have to take it out on me. And just because I have more fans than you, doesn't mean that you have a right to insult me.

I personally thought that Meyer depicted us really well. She took a dull idea, like vampires, and made it into a more interesting creature. I don't get why there are so many so-called Anti-Twilighters – maybe they think I'm too amazing – but seriously, I think making us sparkle was the best idea ever.

And I don't get why people insult Bella, my love, my life. She's smart, beautiful, and she smells like freesias. She is my 'singer'.

But, please, don't hate on the sparkles, just because you have to miss out on a little sunlight (but not all sunlight – we still have to be kept hidden). Instead, welcome it with open arms.

-Edward C.

Comments:

Spike: Ponce.

Damon: BAN HIM.

Dracula: Unfortunately, young Salvatore, I can't. This is a public blog; the only thing that's different is the censoring.

Angel: Singer? Smells like freesias?

Darla: Wow... just...

Stefan: We're dull...?

Mr. Crepsley: We are jealous of sparkling? That's bullshit.

Darren: Darren Shan puts Meyer to shame. SHAME.

Dracula: So does Bram Stoker.

Angel: And Joss Whedon.

Damon: Don't forget L.J. Smith.

Drusilla: The sparkles! *hiss* They frighten Miss Edith.

A/N: So yeah, that's the first chapter. Hope you enjoyed! The next one will be Edward bashing each of the other vampires, and maybe some of the Cullens will join in as well. And whoever gets the whole translation/murder thing gets waffles. :D