I am the very model of a modern Metrosexual

Castle's song (with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)

I am the very model of a modern Metrosexual,

I've search lists that are trivial, research-based and sartorial,

I know the wines of Oregon, and quote magazines so fashionable

From Marie-Claire to new GQ, in order categorical;

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters literatical,

I write with popularity, both common and fanatical,

About the use of adjective I'm teeming with a lot o' news,

With not one single fact about the square of the hypotenuse.

[Spoken: I never could do math]

I'm very good at similes though accountants book my revenue;

I know the best designers and the latest restaurant's top review:

In short, with search lists trivial, research-based or sartorial,

I am the very model of a modern Metrosexual.

I believe in mythic history, Paul Bunyan and the Wendigo;

I know there's ghosts or aliens, I've an appetite for Thai-to-go,

I quote in ev'ry novel all the crimes that Beckett solves for us,

In myst'ry I can spot peculiarities quite murderous;

I know if sapphire earrings come from Laurence Graff or Tiffany's,

I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!

[spoken: And what possible use was that, Mother?]

Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din come on,

And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Hamilton.

Then I can write a murder board in Elvish runic cuneiform,

And tell you ev'ry detail of the NYPD's uniform:

In short, with search lists trivial, research-based or sartorial,

I am the very model of a modern Metrosexual.

In fact, when I know what's meant by working shifts and being on the clock,

When I can tell at sight an M-15 from a police Glock,

When such affairs as old ex-wives and actresses I'm wary of,

And when I know precisely what my Beckett is so chary of,

When I have learnt what progress is made with DNA analysis,

When I know more of Mayans and a curse to cause paralysis –

In short, when I've been able to convince you that I'm good for you

You'll say a better Metrosexual has never ever shadowed you.

For my NYPD knowledge, though I'm observing for good reason,

Won't have been complete until the ending of the season;

But still, with search lists trivial, research-based or sartorial,

I am the very model of a modern Metrosexual.

Okay, I am sorry. This is utterly ridiculous but it got into my head. Sing or hum to the tune of "I am the very model of a modern Major-General" from the Pirates of Penzance and appreciate the brilliance of Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan, although not, perhaps, my parodic skills.

All complaints, comments, criticisms and compliments are gratefully received.