My Heart is Open, a sookie stackhouse/southern vampire mysteries fanfic

The rest of this will be posted on my wordpress as FF is being difficult with uploading documents. Chapter 15 of this one was just posted over there so if you are intrigued head on over and let me know your thoughts. I am there under the same name so search wordpress and jc52185 and you will find me.

When I grow up

I'll be stable

When I grow up

I'll turn the tables

Trying hard to fit among you

Floating out to wonderland

Unprotected

God I'm pregnant

Damn the consequences - Garbage

I would have thought that getting shot might have been my quota for shock for the rest of the day. You know, getting ambushed in the parking lot, bullet in the arm, no one really expects that! Yet, there I was, laid up in a hospital bed due to said bullet, and still that was not what was had caused my shock just then.

Nope, not even close…

The doctor and nurse noticed that their news was quite the surprise. "I take it that was unexpected," the nurse said in her happy voice that I supposed did not match the expression upon my face. Of course, I couldn't see it, but I truly doubted that 'happy' would be the word anyone used to describe it.

When I was younger, I always thought if I found myself in such a situation that it would be something to be celebrated. Of course, I always thought it would happen when I was all grown up, something I didn't feel despite my age, even with all the events in my life that should have left me feeling mature.

Yet another thing I apparently hadn't done right.

Growing up, you rarely have thoughts of that moment being a negative situation. I always pictured being overjoyed with my husband while I told him the news. Of course he would be a bit shocked, as would any stereotypical male. My mother would be excited, and my father would go out to immediately buy a football, just like he had when she told him she was pregnant with who was later to become Jason. The idea of a possible girl wouldn't turn him away; he would still teach her how to throw better than any of the boys. It was what he did with me. We just never told Jason.

Yet as I laid there, as I heard the news, alone and with no shocked husband, no, I was in enough shock for both myself and the non-existent husband. I had no mother with whom I could share the happiness. I no longer had a father who would be eyeing my husband over what he had done to me while still secretly being excited over his future as a grandfather.

I had none of that.

On top of not having any of them, I also no longer had my Gran, and it seemed that I wouldn't have my brother either. Who knew where the hell Jason had gone? He had been there when I got the news. He took one look at me and stormed out, unable to handle seeing his baby sister in such a position. As much as it hurt, I wasn't sure if I could even blame him. For all his screwing around, he had never been in this position.

Well, not that we had ever been aware of, at least. I hoped that wasn't just what we believed, hopefully, it was the truth.

I rolled over onto my side, and immediately regretted it when a pain shot up my arm again. I pushed the little button that supposedly would supply me with something for the pain. Whatever they had given me 'in my condition,' and, yes, they used that term, was not up to par, or maybe it worked on the physical pain and it was everything else that it was not working on that hurt.

These last few weeks have been more than difficult, to say the least, all culminating in having been shot, and then having received the news, the icing on these last several weeks. At least I got a bit of distraction from my other thoughts, a whole five-second distraction before they started up again, and the news simply added to all of it. Everything was quite connected after all.

I had no idea how I was going to able to handle a situation like this. At that point, it seemed as if I could barely even run my own life, let alone someone else's. I would need to get things together quickly though. No matter how shocking the news, I already knew what I was going to do.

It might have been selfish of me for my thoughts to have started running in the way they were, but I found comfort, no matter how small, that it would provide a link to him for me. For the rest of our lives, we would remain linked. I had hoped it might be in a different way, that's for sure, but I had a way! Still, that was not the only reason that I was going through with it. I thought of the many, many more reasons for it, and many, many arguments for the reasons against it. That was what helped me to form my decision.

Judging by Jason's reaction, it would not be a popular one. I was actually happy Jason showed up at the hospital. Things had been getting better between us recently. They were a little rough after the whole Hot Shot fiasco with him having had to deal with all of those consequences along with my overwhelming need to help. He had accepted it, and then I had to back off. Things were starting to get better. I knew the news was a shock, and that he had never wanted me in that position, but I hoped he might return.

I needed him to return for so many reasons.

I closed my eyes and imagined just how he, the father, might respond. I imagined my shock would not even compare to his. I mean, even if he would believe me. Part of me doubted that he would. With no memories of what had occurred, what we had built between us during those weeks, he probably would just laugh in my face right after he processed my words and with the way his mind worked, it really wouldn't take very long.

The bottom line? I refused to be one of those females who would never inform the father. I never thought for one moment that his reaction would benefit me, benefit us, but he deserved the choice. I would have to give him that.

Even if he had done nothing other than hurt me over the last few weeks.

I couldn't really blame him for that though. That was one of the most aggravating parts of my little scenario, I had no one to blame. There was no one to blame. I was not even sure if it would have helped in the long run, but maybe being able to point a finger could have made everything a bit easier. The bottom line was we had torn through what we had between us, and neither of us even knew it! I knew it after it might have been too late, and once again, there was no one to blame.

Well, there was one person, but Pam ate her. That was another selfish thought of mine. Had I known the result of Pam ending the person whom I could blame might have resulted in 'my condition,' I would have never wished for it, not even in the state that it had left him. During our time together, I thought I finally had a chance at happiness, but I thought that once before and it had resulted in some poor decisions, one very bad situation in a car trunk, and then some more poor decisions afterward.

I guess I should have known that this time would not have been any different. There might not have been a trunk anywhere near while this last event was happening when I got shot by my car, but maybe I would just start avoiding moving vehicles for the foreseeable future.

The light from the moon shined into my hospital window as the blinds had been left open just as I asked. I just needed to feel some sort of connection to him that night, other than the obvious. It might have seemed stupid, but with the moonlight, I could imagine he was there and that he had learned the news right along with me. Stupid, I knew, but it was something, however weak.

I guess the light was not really from the moon though, just the moon reflecting the light off the sun. It was all a reflection, which was something I could relate to then. A reflection would be an apt description for what I felt. I felt like it was a reflection of the life that I lived.

It was a bit ironic when you considered it. Vampires can't be out in direct sunlight or they will burn, yet its reflection off the moon is what animates them, making them come to life. An interesting thought, to me at least while I was left alone doing nothing except surrounding myself in thoughts.

The light illuminated the table that stood in front of the window, and it lit up the floral arrangement. The particular arrangement left me speechless for a number of reasons. I didn't even have to read the card to know who the sender was. There was only one person in my life who would ever send a floral arrangement that resembled a certain female anatomical feature. Tears sprung to my eyes as memories of the weeks we shared came to mind. I had the memories, yet the one I should have been sharing those with might never regain them. That was yet another form of irony, or perhaps just one more evil coincidence. At that point in my life, I was no longer sure.

I didn't think I was sure of anything any longer.

That was a lie though. There was something of which I had been so certain, and it was one of the few things I had no doubt over whatsoever. Regardless of anything that occurred in the weeks since, I had no doubt that what I felt between us, what I still felt, was real.

It seemed as if I was the only one.

One more thing to add the sense of irony or evil coincidence? If I had only given more thought to protecting my anatomical feature of what the floral replica was eerily reminding me, I would not have been in this mess, though 'mess' might not be the appropriate term.

I was just so stupid! I should have known. After all, I really couldn't have assumed that he would even think about it, never having needed to before. Then again, how could I have known? How could either one of us have known that it might even be a consequence? It had never even crossed my mind! I had thought his capability was long gone, that it had vanished along with his humanity.

I wasn't even sure I wanted one at that point in my life, let alone these days. Oh, who was I kidding? I knew I wanted it. I had wanted one as long as I could remember. I even remember having a conversation with my mother about it before the accident. My father overheard, and it wasn't until years later that I comprehended the look of horror on his face throughout the conversation.

I could only imagine the look on his face if he heard my news would surpass the look during that particular conversation.

It was something I had always wanted, but something I had told myself I would never have. Growing up hearing the thoughts of others was hard, still, that word alone just doesn't seem to cover it. I had never wanted to be the cause for putting another child through what I had to deal with while growing up. My Gran had done the best she could, she really had, and it's not that it wasn't enough, but… It's lonely. Being the only one in your life with an ability to do something is lonely. No one else could really understand exactly. Sure, they could try to be supportive, but they couldn't really understand because they were not experiencing it firsthand.

So I might have to be responsible for someone else going through the same. Maybe I could be more of a help seeing as I had gone through it myself? Of course, with the way things had been going lately, having me could be more of a hindrance. It could be just one more thing that I would screw up. If only I had known…

I would have to figure it out though. Eight months seemed like a long time, but something told me it would pass in the blink of an eye. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was that damn flower arrangement once again! As I looked at it, I couldn't help but think that the next eight months might also crawl by slowly, excruciatingly slowly. After all, in the last few weeks, ever since Eric regained his… I couldn't even figure out what to call them other than his lost memories. Since he regained them, those have been the slowest weeks in my life.

I had no clue as to how the doctor's words of, "Congratulations! You're pregnant," might affect the passage of time. They had already made the night seem almost endless as the words have been on repeating loop in my mind, louder than my memories of those magical weeks I had with Eric. Even though they seemed louder, they still did nothing to drown out the pain that the more recent weeks had caused. One lone tear started to make its way down my face and I made no move to wipe it away. I left it alone to make its travel.

There be no more. I have cried all them out.

Hello dear readers! I do hope you have enjoyed this first chapter and thanks so much for giving it a try. As you can see Sookie's going to have quite a handful handling the little twist is Eric's curse – but we will get more about that in later chapters. This one gets a bit angsty (I know that's surprising coming from me ;)). It's not my angstiest work but just a fair warning.

It's funny because a Sookie being pregnant story was something I said I would never write. Well, here I am thanks to a little plot point that won't get out of my head. I do hope it's an enjoyable one!

Many thanks to my awesome friend MsBuffy whose willing to put up with my writing again to help me with this one.