Warnings: Shounen ai (2+1), Angst, God.
Author Notes: This is part of a very short series of Duo's moments with Heero and God. Regardless of the reviews and/or flames I receive, I will post the next part tomorrow if possible, and if not, the first chance that I get. ... but feel free to give me reviews anyway. I kinda like 'em.
Biased
By: Burn
***
Often times it seems my life has been proclaimed by the Fates to be nothing but one long line of suffering, one tragedy after another; following each other continuously, just like beads on a rosary. Sometimes I can still hear Sister Helen's voice, soft and patient, trying to teach me the separate prayers that went along with the beads. For I while, I tried to follow along and learn them, but I didn't ever hear "Hail Mary," or "Glory Be." Instead, I heard two horribly familiar words whispering their evils into my mind.
"Pain and suffering, pain and suffering, pain and suffering."
I can still hear it, even now.
It's like it will never end, just like those damned rosary beads.
But I swear I kept trying, even after the war ended and I thought that all my hardships were over. I swear I did. But it didn't work.
"Pain and suffering, pain and suffering, pain and suffering."
It was like a mantra of death singing inside my head.
"Pain and suffering."
Those two words have been with me for my entire life, and I fear that they always will be.
When I was younger; still a naive, disillusioned child, I thought that if I turned to God, he might take it all away. Do you know what I found? Take a wild guess.
Pain and suffering.
What's worse was that it was painfully obvious the whole time, but I had been too ignorant with false hope to notice. It had been right there under my nose all along, when Sister Helen used to read the Bible to me.
"Help, Lord, for no one loyal remains; the faithful have vanished from the human race. Those who tell lies to one another speak with deceiving tongues and a double heart."
That is the only truth that I have ever found in that book. I felt sorry even then for Sister Helen and Father Maxwell; I knew that they were wasting their lives. There is no God.
I only hope that I did not waste my life fighting for peace.
02.23.AC 199
Don't make me do this. God, please don't make me do this. I can't hurt him; I can't leave him. Even though he has death and murder in his eyes every second he's awake, he looks so damn trusting right now. I know that if I do leave he won't do much more than grunt and shrug a shoulder, but he's hurting inside. I can tell. It's obvious in the way he frowns a little deeper than normal, and the promise of a bloody end is muddled in his blue eyes with something undefinable. I cover my feelings with a smile; he covers his with indifference. I don't think anyone else notices, though.
A soft smile comes to my lips at the thought.
No one else knows Heero's expressions as well as I do.
As if to confirm this, I turn to watch his face in the bare light of the room. His forehead is crinkled, his brows drawn close together as his parted lips breathe slow and steady. My smile widens, and my heart hurts.
God, please don't make me do this. Don't ever make me leave this place.
He shifts in his sleep, the sheets brushing in quiet whispers against his skin. The cool gray-black of night creeping in through the window is beginning to fade orange, signifying the approaching dawn. I press closer against my perch near the door, hiding my face in the door frame as I pray to a God I don't believe in.
Please, just keep the sun away a little bit longer. Please. Don't make me leave him yet.
Defiantly, the room is still a steady stream of quiet, pale orange, pink around the edges. I squeeze my eyes shut, fingers gripping the wooden edges of the door.
Please. Just a little longer. I can't go. I love this place.
The clock ticks in steady indifference, reminding me of the grains of time slipping eagerly through my fingertips. I mustn't waste this. I mustn't waste my time with him.
God, I promise I'll never doubt you again if you just give me a little longer. Just keep the sun away a little longer.
The alarm on the clock buzzes, and his soldier's instincts have him sitting up straight and turning it off within a few seconds. He turns to me, calm and beautiful, and frowns a little deeper than normal.
He knows what I'm going to say next.
"I have to go now, Heero," I say, knowing I'm confirming his worst fears as I do.
He nods, carefully keeping all emotions free from his face, but I catch the little flicker of murder mixing in with something softer.
God, please...
"I understand."
He turns away from me, his back beautifully bare, and pads into the bathroom to shower. I've already taken mine; I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, and thought a warm shower might help relax. It didn't work the way I wanted it to, though. I found myself basking in the smell of Heero's shampoo and wishing away the precious minutes that I wouldn't have to go, wishing away my life instead of sleeping next to him, like I should have been.
Another stupid mistake. One I can't take back.
"Goodbye, Heero."
He doesn't respond.
My heart bangs a little harder in my chest, and I walk out the door. It hurts like hell.
***