FINAL FANTASY VII
In Tifa We Trust
(open to 7th Heaven. The party are all sat at the bar)
Cloud: Ah, Sunday! Was there ever a better day to relax and chill out?
Barrett: ...Yeah, Saturday.
Cloud: Okay, bad analogy.
Cid: Hey Tifa, how about some goddamn beer over here?!
Tifa: (sigh) Coming, Cid.
Cid: Yeah, well be quick. I ain't gettin' any younger.
Cloud: You got that right.
Cid: (to Cloud) Lousy little #@$%!
(Tifa gives Cid a beer)
Tifa: Here you go, Cid. Be nice now.
Cid: (mumbles) Yeah, yeah.
Tifa: So Cloud, do you have anything planned for today, or are you just going to sit around here till noon?
Cloud: I figured I'd go over to Wall Market later, but then I remembered that the gym isn't open on Sunday.
Tifa: So you're just gonna stay here all day?
Cloud: Probably.
Tifa: Well, tough luck, because I'm closing the bar.
Cloud & Barrett & Cid: WHAT?!
Tifa: I've had enough. I'm going out.
Cloud: Tifa, you can't! You have to run the bar!
Cid: Yeah, you're the only one that can work the equipment!
Tifa: I'll get someone else to do it!
Barrett: Ya can't do that! You need to be here, dammit!
Tifa: I'm going to have fun. Goodbye everyone.
Cloud: Tifa, wait!
Tifa: What?
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: (sigh) Goodbye Cloud.
(she leaves the bar)
Cid: Now what the #@$% are we gonna do?!
Cloud: We'll just have to run the bar ourselves.
Barrett: Yo' crazy! We ain't never run a bar before, and we ain't gonna start learnin' now!
Cid: Actually, I did run the old tavern in Rocket Town for a short while last year.
Cloud: Really? And?
Cid: Um... I don't really wanna talk about it.
Barrett: Why? You botch up or somethin'?
Cid: ...No.
Cloud: Don't worry, Barrett. I'm sure we'll find out what happened later on.
Barrett: We better! I can't stand suspense!
(cut to Midgar Church. Some people are there listening to the Reverend Roland)
Reverend: And then Jenova came down from the sky and said, "I need about Tree Fitty."
(the whole room is silent)
Reverend: Well, thank you all for coming today. I pray that you have a pleasant afternoon.
(everyone begins to leave)
Reverend: (to himself) Damn people! So idiotic! Why do you mock me God?! Why?!
God: (offscreen) Shut up and do your job, Roland!
Reverend: But Lord, no one cares about church or religion anymore! I mean, look how many people came today - seven! Can you believe that?!
God: (offscreen) Then do something about it.
Reverend: Like what?!
God: (offscreen) I don't know. Why don't you try to make religion fun?
Reverend: God, you are making a mockery of this church!
God: (offscreen) Blow me!
(Aeris comes out from the back room)
Aeris: Reverend, I cleaned out the storeroom, and got rid of the family of Hedgehog Pie living in the wall.
Reverend: Excellent. Thank you, Aeris. You may start on the flower bed now.
Aeris: Um, who were you talking to just then, Reverend?
Reverend: Huh? Oh, just God.
Aeris: God? What did he want?
Reverend: Nevermind. You just get on with your job.
(the Reverend walks into the back room. Aeris moves over to the flower bed. Tifa enters the church)
Tifa: Hi Aeris, don't work too hard.
Aeris: (surprised) Tifa, what brings you here? Aren't you supposed to be working too?
Tifa: I took the day off.
Aeris: But what about the bar? It can't run itself surely.
Tifa: Don't worry about the bar. It'll be okay.
(cut to 7th Heaven. The whole bar is wrecked. Cloud, Barrett and Cid are all lying on the floor)
Cloud: (drunk) W-Wanna trash the basement now?
Barrett: (drunk) Up yo' ass!
(Barrett throws up over himself)
Cid: (drunk) S-Sick, dude!
(cut back to Midgar Church)
Tifa: So are you ready to go now? I thought we could have a nice day out; just the two of us.
Aeris: Gee, you make it sound so gay, Tifa.
Tifa: W-What?!
Aeris: You know, gay; lighthearted; fancy free.
Tifa: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah. So, you wanna come?
Aeris: I'd love to, but I have to help the Reverend. He just hasn't been feeling himself lately.
Reverend: (offscreen) Hey, I feel myself all the time, all right?! Now, get back to work!
Aeris: (shouting) Yes, Reverend Roland.
Tifa: Hmm, maybe I should have a word with the Reverend. You wait here, Aeris. I'll be right back.
(she walks into the back room)
Aeris: (quietly) Wait here? I'm working! Where else would I go?!
(cut to the Backroom. The Reverend is sat on an old wooden chair, reading a porno magazine)
Reverend: Oh, yeah. You're a bad girl.
Tifa: (offscreen) Excuse me, Reverend?
Reverend: (hiding the magazine) Come in.
(Tifa walks in)
Tifa: Hi, I'm Tifa Lockheart.
Reverend: ...
Tifa: ...Tifa Lockheart from 7th Heaven.
Reverend: ...
Tifa: ...Look, uh, can you give Aeris the rest of the day off please?
Reverend: Why should I do that?
Tifa: Because she's been working hard all morning and I think she deserves a break.
Reverend: How would you know anyway? You haven't even been here!
Tifa: There's no need to get so angry with me, Reverend.
Reverend: Y-You're right. I'm sorry.
Tifa: Are you okay?
Reverend: Are you a religious person, Ms. Lockheart?
Tifa: No, not really. I've hated religion ever since I met a member of the Jenova's Witnesses one time.
Reverend: People in the Slums seem to have taken your attitude aswell. Hardly anyone goes to church these days. What happened to the world?
Tifa: Seriously, I think everyone grew up a little.
Reverend: I need help. How can I show people that religion isn't all that bad?
Tifa: Why don't you turn the church into a nightclub. That might help.
(Aeris pops her head round the door)
Aeris: Reverend, that weird man is here to see you again.
Reverend: What weird man?
Aeris: Y'know, the Priest.
Reverend: (sigh) Very well. I'm on my way. Excuse me, Ms. Lockheart.
(both Aeris and the Reverend leave the room. Suddenly, the telephone rings)
Tifa: Is that a telephone? In the backroom? (pause) I probably shouldn't disturb the Reverend. Oh, what the hey!
(she answers it)
Tifa: Hello, Midgar Church.
????: Uh, yeah, hi, I'm callin' for Reverend Roland. Who is this?
Tifa: Oh, well, this is Tifa Lockheart. Barhost with the most.
????: Right, well I'm Chris and I have so many problems I-I don't even know where to begin.
Tifa: Okay. Why don't you start from the top?
Chris: Alrighty. Number one, I've lost the will to live.
Tifa: Oh, that's ridiculous, Chris. You've got lots to live for.
Chris: Really? That's not what Reverend Roland's been tellin' me. Wow, you're good, thanks!
(she puts the phone down. The Reverend walks back in)
Reverend: Damn Priest! I hate that guy! (to Tifa) Hey, what are you doing?!
Tifa: Just tidying your desk.
Reverend: That's not my desk.
(the phone rings again)
Reverend: Oh, dammit! Not another call!
Tifa: Would you like me to take it?
Reverend: No, I'll get it.
(he answers the phone)
Reverend: Yello?
Chris: Hey, you're not the barhost with the most.
Reverend: Pardon?
Chris: I just wondered if Tifa was still there. Hey, can I get her number? She sounded HOT!
Reverend: Don't ever call me again.
(he slams the phone down)
Reverend: What a lunatic!
Tifa: (nervous) Eh-heh-heh, well I'll just be going then.
Reverend: Bye then.
(she leaves. The phones rings)
Reverend: Oh, for the love of-
(he answers it)
Reverend: What?! (pause) We don't have a woman on the church helpline. (pause) No, I don't care what you thought you heard. The guy was obviously lying. (pause) No, I don't wanna donate money to the poor! (he slams the phone down) Goddammit!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Barrett and Cid have sobered up. Tifa and Aeris enter the bar)
Tifa: Hello, everyone. Good day?
Cloud: Not really. We got drunk and spent the entire afternoon asleep on the cold floor.
Cid: Yeah, and then we played spin the bottle, but uh, it sucked cause there were like, no women.
Barrett: I ain't never kissin' another man for as long as I live!
Tifa: Well we had a great day, right Aeris?
Aeris: Yeah, and Tifa got a new job.
Cloud & Barrett & Cid: WHAT?!
Tifa: Well, I wouldn't really call it a job as such. More of a new hobby.
Cloud: Eh?!
Tifa: Reverend Roland asked me to become the official "Midgar Church Helpline Lady." Snappy title, huh?
Barrett: Whaddya do?
Tifa: I sit around in the back of the church and answer the telephone. I then give advice to people who haven't got much of a life.
Cid: Y-You're helping at the church?
Tifa: Yeah. Do you have a problem with that, Cid?
Cid: No, why should I? The people who ring that helpline are complete losers!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cid is hanging around in the back alley, talking on his mobile phone)
Cid: Hello, Reverend. It's me again; Cid. Would you recommend rippled or smooth as a first time condom?
Reverend: Smooth.
Cid: Should I pay the Devil to redecorate my house?
Reverend: Certainly.
Cid: I stole 5 gil from a baby girl! How can I live with the constant guilt and remorse?!
Reverend: Easily. Just push it all deep down inside yourself, and never think about it ever again.
Cid: Reverend, thank you so much for your help today. I'll talk to ya same time again tomorrow, 'kay?
Reverend: (sarcastically) I'll look forward to your call, Cid.
(cut back to 7th Heaven)
Cid: I want you to stand down and NOT take that job, Tifa!
Tifa: No way! I actually felt good about myself today. I managed to help someone in need, and that made me feel all warm inside.
Cloud: I can make you feel warm inside! You don't need a job on the phone to achieve that! (pause) Or was it a really erotic call?
Tifa: I meant I felt proud of myself because I had helped someone in trouble.
Cloud: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah. Me too.
Tifa: I've already arranged a replacement bartender. He should be very good.
Cloud: You don't wanna go gettin' some new guy in here, Tifa. Remember what happened when you hired that Chris dude?
Barrett: Yeah, we had to trek half way across the world just to get back the damn money he stole!
Tifa: Actually, I believe it was Yuffie who stole the money.
Barrett: Whatever.
Tifa: Look, I'd really like your support on this, guys. It would mean a lot to me.
Cloud: If we don't give you our support, then does that mean that you won't take the job?
Tifa: (sigh) I...
Aeris: I can't believe you three! How can you be so cold?!
Cid: We just don't wanna see Tifa get hurt.
Aeris: What do you mean by that?
Cid: I don't have time to explain. I have to go.
(he leaves 7th Heaven)
Tifa: All I want is... No, forget it. If you can't respect my decision then you're not worth it.
(she leaves the bar)
Aeris: (to Cloud) Nice going, you jerk!
Cloud: Hey, Barrett doesn't agree either!
Barrett: I didn't say nuthin' 'bout nuthin'.
Cloud: (to Aeris) Maybe you should go after Tifa.
Aeris: Sorry, but I'm going to the cinema.
Barrett: What's showin'?
Aeris: "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within." I'll be back later. See ya.
(she leaves the bar)
Cloud: Barrett, pass me another beer.
Barrett: 'Kay.
(he tries to pull a pint of beer from the pump)
Barrett: Uh... Cloud, it ain't workin'!
Cloud: Let me check.
(Cloud joins Barrett at the pump)
Cloud: Barrel's empty. Go change it, Barrett.
Barrett: How?
(they stare at each other in silence for a short while)
Cloud & Barrett: Aaahh!
(cut to Midgar Church, next morning. Tifa is sat in the backroom with the Reverend)
Reverend: Okay, Tifa, now I have to go out for the morning, but I trust you, so I'm gonna leave you here all alone to deal with the phone, okay?
Tifa: Of course, Reverend. I'm sure I can manage. I did run a bar, after all.
Reverend: Okay, see you later then.
(he leaves the room. The phone rings, and Tifa answers it)
Tifa: Hello, Midgar Church.
Cid: (muffled) Hello, my name is Mister, uh, Mister...
Tifa: Mr. Mister...?
Cid: (muffled) Yeah! Mr. Mister, and I have a problem.
Tifa: Tell me about it. Perhaps I can help.
Cid: (muffled) I have a friend and they took a job that I didn't think they deserved.
Tifa: Uh-huh.
Cid: (muffled) And now I'm really worried about them. I just want them to go back to the job they did best. What can I do or say to trick my friend into goin' back to their old job?
Tifa: You know, I'm having the same problem with some of my friends at the moment...
Cid: (nervous) R-Really?!
Tifa: Pardon?
Cid: (muffled) Really?
Tifa: Yeah, and do you know what I think you should do?
Cid: (muffled) What?
Tifa: Get your butt back home and stop bugging me, Cid!
Cid: Argh! I've been found out!
(Tifa slams the phone down)
Tifa: Idiot!
Reverend: (offscreen) Aaahh!
(the Reverend drops from above and crashes onto the floor)
Tifa: Reverend Roland? I thought you went out?
Reverend: (picking himself up) Uh, just going.
(he leaves the room again. Tifa sighs)
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are sat at the bar)
Cloud: Man, where the hell is that new bartender?! Tifa said he'd be here by ten.
Barrett: (in a trance) Need beer... Need beer...
(Reno, Rude and Elena all walk into the bar)
Reno: (to Cloud) Three beers please! (to Rude & Elena) And what do you two want?
Rude: ...
Elena: Yeah, me too.
Reno: (to Cloud) You heard them! Bring 'em over when you're ready. We'll be sitting over there by the pinball machine.
Cloud: (to Barrett) Should you tell them or should I?
Reno: What the hell is wrong?!
Cloud: Unfortunately our new bartender hasn't arrived yet. We can't serve you till then.
Reno: Well you know how to pull a beer, right?!
Barrett: Barrel's empty, and we don't know how to change it.
Reno: Fools! Aw, hell. We'll take our drinking elsewhere. C'mon, guys. The Turks don't settle for second best.
(the Turks leave)
Cloud: (to Barrett) What the hell did he mean by that?!
(cut to Midgar Church. Tifa is still on the phone)
Tifa: Well, um, Anon, have you ever considered plastic surgery?
Jenova: I don't have to listen to this! Goodbye!
(she puts the phone down)
Tifa: (to herself) My, what an ungrateful bitch.
(the phone rings. Tifa answers)
Tifa: (tired) Hello, Midgar Church.
Hojo: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony and it's only a matter of time until they find you out!
Tifa: (gasp) Who told you?!
Hojo: You did. You told me by the way you pick up the phone, the way you say "hello," the way you try to defend yourself with a quick gasp. I want you to say to yourself: I deserve this! I love it! I am nature's greatest miracle!
Tifa: (pause) I-I can't.
Hojo: (angry) And why not?!
Tifa: (pause) Because I don't deserve it. I've only just realised but this job really sucks. I'm having only half as much fun as I'd usually be having. And what the hell time is this? (checking the wall clock) Ten thirty? I've never had a slower day!
Hojo: You're an intelligent girl. I hope you stay that way.
Tifa: ...This isn't me. I'm wasted in here. I'm going back to my bar.
Hojo: Good for you! But can you help me with my problem first?
Tifa: Get real!
(she slams the phone down)
Tifa: (getting up) 7th Heaven, I'm coming home, baby!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Aeris is on the street corner talking to an old woman stood next to a removal van)
Aeris: Oh yeah, you'll love it here in Midgar. Sure, its always dark and depressing, and the Public Access Channel stinks, but you do find that the people here are most pleasant and kind.
Old Woman: Ooh, thank you. I can now see that I made a good choice in deciding to move to this town.
(two old men are hauling a piano up the side of the building by a rope. Suddenly, the rope snaps and the piano falls)
Old Man: Holy shit! Look out!
(Aeris and the woman below both look up. The piano crashes on top of Aeris and kills her instantly. Tifa runs by on her way to 7th Heaven)
Tifa: (nonchalant) Oh my God, they killed Aeris!
Old Woman: Damn you, people! Can't you see that the flower girl and I were having such a nice chat!
Old Man: Sorry, dear.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are still sat by the bar)
Cloud: That does it! I'm not sitting around here waiting anymore! I'm going out!
Barrett: Yeah, wait up and I'll come wit'.
Cloud: Geez, why do you always have to hang out with me?
Barrett: Huh?
Cloud: Forget it.
(they are about to leave when Tifa bursts in)
Tifa: And where do you two think you're going?
Cloud: (happy) Tifa!
Barrett: What you doin' back here? Shouldn't you be at the church?
Tifa: The church?! Yeah, right! Can I get anyone a drink?
Cloud: Tifa, what happened to your new job? Did you get fired?
Tifa: No. I give it up to come back here and be with you.
Barrett: (to Cloud) She got fired!
Tifa: (sigh) I'll just go change the barrel.
Cloud: Oh, and by the way Tifa, your replacement bartender never turned up.
Barrett: Yeah, the little turd shoulda been here at nine!
Tifa: (laughs) There was no replacement bartender! I made it all up!
Cloud: Oh.
(Cid walks in)
Tifa: Hi, Cid. Do you want a beer?
Cid: Tifa, what the...?!
Tifa: I jacked my job in.
Barrett: (quietly to Cid) She got fired actually. She's in denial.
Cid: Oh, um, I think I left my oven on. I-I'll be right back.
(he runs out of the bar)
Tifa: What's up with him today?
Cloud: Beer... I need beer...
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cid is out in the back alley with his mobile phone)
Cid: Hello, Reverend? It's Cid Highwind here.
Reverend: (sarcastically) Oh, how wonderful to hear from you again so soon, Cid!
Cid: Really? Well, I'm glad you're back on the line. Now, I have a problem. I burnt down the local tavern in Rocket Town, and I'm afraid I might do it again!
Reverend: (sigh) Oh boy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Tifa We Trust
(open to 7th Heaven. The party are all sat at the bar)
Cloud: Ah, Sunday! Was there ever a better day to relax and chill out?
Barrett: ...Yeah, Saturday.
Cloud: Okay, bad analogy.
Cid: Hey Tifa, how about some goddamn beer over here?!
Tifa: (sigh) Coming, Cid.
Cid: Yeah, well be quick. I ain't gettin' any younger.
Cloud: You got that right.
Cid: (to Cloud) Lousy little #@$%!
(Tifa gives Cid a beer)
Tifa: Here you go, Cid. Be nice now.
Cid: (mumbles) Yeah, yeah.
Tifa: So Cloud, do you have anything planned for today, or are you just going to sit around here till noon?
Cloud: I figured I'd go over to Wall Market later, but then I remembered that the gym isn't open on Sunday.
Tifa: So you're just gonna stay here all day?
Cloud: Probably.
Tifa: Well, tough luck, because I'm closing the bar.
Cloud & Barrett & Cid: WHAT?!
Tifa: I've had enough. I'm going out.
Cloud: Tifa, you can't! You have to run the bar!
Cid: Yeah, you're the only one that can work the equipment!
Tifa: I'll get someone else to do it!
Barrett: Ya can't do that! You need to be here, dammit!
Tifa: I'm going to have fun. Goodbye everyone.
Cloud: Tifa, wait!
Tifa: What?
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: (sigh) Goodbye Cloud.
(she leaves the bar)
Cid: Now what the #@$% are we gonna do?!
Cloud: We'll just have to run the bar ourselves.
Barrett: Yo' crazy! We ain't never run a bar before, and we ain't gonna start learnin' now!
Cid: Actually, I did run the old tavern in Rocket Town for a short while last year.
Cloud: Really? And?
Cid: Um... I don't really wanna talk about it.
Barrett: Why? You botch up or somethin'?
Cid: ...No.
Cloud: Don't worry, Barrett. I'm sure we'll find out what happened later on.
Barrett: We better! I can't stand suspense!
(cut to Midgar Church. Some people are there listening to the Reverend Roland)
Reverend: And then Jenova came down from the sky and said, "I need about Tree Fitty."
(the whole room is silent)
Reverend: Well, thank you all for coming today. I pray that you have a pleasant afternoon.
(everyone begins to leave)
Reverend: (to himself) Damn people! So idiotic! Why do you mock me God?! Why?!
God: (offscreen) Shut up and do your job, Roland!
Reverend: But Lord, no one cares about church or religion anymore! I mean, look how many people came today - seven! Can you believe that?!
God: (offscreen) Then do something about it.
Reverend: Like what?!
God: (offscreen) I don't know. Why don't you try to make religion fun?
Reverend: God, you are making a mockery of this church!
God: (offscreen) Blow me!
(Aeris comes out from the back room)
Aeris: Reverend, I cleaned out the storeroom, and got rid of the family of Hedgehog Pie living in the wall.
Reverend: Excellent. Thank you, Aeris. You may start on the flower bed now.
Aeris: Um, who were you talking to just then, Reverend?
Reverend: Huh? Oh, just God.
Aeris: God? What did he want?
Reverend: Nevermind. You just get on with your job.
(the Reverend walks into the back room. Aeris moves over to the flower bed. Tifa enters the church)
Tifa: Hi Aeris, don't work too hard.
Aeris: (surprised) Tifa, what brings you here? Aren't you supposed to be working too?
Tifa: I took the day off.
Aeris: But what about the bar? It can't run itself surely.
Tifa: Don't worry about the bar. It'll be okay.
(cut to 7th Heaven. The whole bar is wrecked. Cloud, Barrett and Cid are all lying on the floor)
Cloud: (drunk) W-Wanna trash the basement now?
Barrett: (drunk) Up yo' ass!
(Barrett throws up over himself)
Cid: (drunk) S-Sick, dude!
(cut back to Midgar Church)
Tifa: So are you ready to go now? I thought we could have a nice day out; just the two of us.
Aeris: Gee, you make it sound so gay, Tifa.
Tifa: W-What?!
Aeris: You know, gay; lighthearted; fancy free.
Tifa: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah. So, you wanna come?
Aeris: I'd love to, but I have to help the Reverend. He just hasn't been feeling himself lately.
Reverend: (offscreen) Hey, I feel myself all the time, all right?! Now, get back to work!
Aeris: (shouting) Yes, Reverend Roland.
Tifa: Hmm, maybe I should have a word with the Reverend. You wait here, Aeris. I'll be right back.
(she walks into the back room)
Aeris: (quietly) Wait here? I'm working! Where else would I go?!
(cut to the Backroom. The Reverend is sat on an old wooden chair, reading a porno magazine)
Reverend: Oh, yeah. You're a bad girl.
Tifa: (offscreen) Excuse me, Reverend?
Reverend: (hiding the magazine) Come in.
(Tifa walks in)
Tifa: Hi, I'm Tifa Lockheart.
Reverend: ...
Tifa: ...Tifa Lockheart from 7th Heaven.
Reverend: ...
Tifa: ...Look, uh, can you give Aeris the rest of the day off please?
Reverend: Why should I do that?
Tifa: Because she's been working hard all morning and I think she deserves a break.
Reverend: How would you know anyway? You haven't even been here!
Tifa: There's no need to get so angry with me, Reverend.
Reverend: Y-You're right. I'm sorry.
Tifa: Are you okay?
Reverend: Are you a religious person, Ms. Lockheart?
Tifa: No, not really. I've hated religion ever since I met a member of the Jenova's Witnesses one time.
Reverend: People in the Slums seem to have taken your attitude aswell. Hardly anyone goes to church these days. What happened to the world?
Tifa: Seriously, I think everyone grew up a little.
Reverend: I need help. How can I show people that religion isn't all that bad?
Tifa: Why don't you turn the church into a nightclub. That might help.
(Aeris pops her head round the door)
Aeris: Reverend, that weird man is here to see you again.
Reverend: What weird man?
Aeris: Y'know, the Priest.
Reverend: (sigh) Very well. I'm on my way. Excuse me, Ms. Lockheart.
(both Aeris and the Reverend leave the room. Suddenly, the telephone rings)
Tifa: Is that a telephone? In the backroom? (pause) I probably shouldn't disturb the Reverend. Oh, what the hey!
(she answers it)
Tifa: Hello, Midgar Church.
????: Uh, yeah, hi, I'm callin' for Reverend Roland. Who is this?
Tifa: Oh, well, this is Tifa Lockheart. Barhost with the most.
????: Right, well I'm Chris and I have so many problems I-I don't even know where to begin.
Tifa: Okay. Why don't you start from the top?
Chris: Alrighty. Number one, I've lost the will to live.
Tifa: Oh, that's ridiculous, Chris. You've got lots to live for.
Chris: Really? That's not what Reverend Roland's been tellin' me. Wow, you're good, thanks!
(she puts the phone down. The Reverend walks back in)
Reverend: Damn Priest! I hate that guy! (to Tifa) Hey, what are you doing?!
Tifa: Just tidying your desk.
Reverend: That's not my desk.
(the phone rings again)
Reverend: Oh, dammit! Not another call!
Tifa: Would you like me to take it?
Reverend: No, I'll get it.
(he answers the phone)
Reverend: Yello?
Chris: Hey, you're not the barhost with the most.
Reverend: Pardon?
Chris: I just wondered if Tifa was still there. Hey, can I get her number? She sounded HOT!
Reverend: Don't ever call me again.
(he slams the phone down)
Reverend: What a lunatic!
Tifa: (nervous) Eh-heh-heh, well I'll just be going then.
Reverend: Bye then.
(she leaves. The phones rings)
Reverend: Oh, for the love of-
(he answers it)
Reverend: What?! (pause) We don't have a woman on the church helpline. (pause) No, I don't care what you thought you heard. The guy was obviously lying. (pause) No, I don't wanna donate money to the poor! (he slams the phone down) Goddammit!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Barrett and Cid have sobered up. Tifa and Aeris enter the bar)
Tifa: Hello, everyone. Good day?
Cloud: Not really. We got drunk and spent the entire afternoon asleep on the cold floor.
Cid: Yeah, and then we played spin the bottle, but uh, it sucked cause there were like, no women.
Barrett: I ain't never kissin' another man for as long as I live!
Tifa: Well we had a great day, right Aeris?
Aeris: Yeah, and Tifa got a new job.
Cloud & Barrett & Cid: WHAT?!
Tifa: Well, I wouldn't really call it a job as such. More of a new hobby.
Cloud: Eh?!
Tifa: Reverend Roland asked me to become the official "Midgar Church Helpline Lady." Snappy title, huh?
Barrett: Whaddya do?
Tifa: I sit around in the back of the church and answer the telephone. I then give advice to people who haven't got much of a life.
Cid: Y-You're helping at the church?
Tifa: Yeah. Do you have a problem with that, Cid?
Cid: No, why should I? The people who ring that helpline are complete losers!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cid is hanging around in the back alley, talking on his mobile phone)
Cid: Hello, Reverend. It's me again; Cid. Would you recommend rippled or smooth as a first time condom?
Reverend: Smooth.
Cid: Should I pay the Devil to redecorate my house?
Reverend: Certainly.
Cid: I stole 5 gil from a baby girl! How can I live with the constant guilt and remorse?!
Reverend: Easily. Just push it all deep down inside yourself, and never think about it ever again.
Cid: Reverend, thank you so much for your help today. I'll talk to ya same time again tomorrow, 'kay?
Reverend: (sarcastically) I'll look forward to your call, Cid.
(cut back to 7th Heaven)
Cid: I want you to stand down and NOT take that job, Tifa!
Tifa: No way! I actually felt good about myself today. I managed to help someone in need, and that made me feel all warm inside.
Cloud: I can make you feel warm inside! You don't need a job on the phone to achieve that! (pause) Or was it a really erotic call?
Tifa: I meant I felt proud of myself because I had helped someone in trouble.
Cloud: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah. Me too.
Tifa: I've already arranged a replacement bartender. He should be very good.
Cloud: You don't wanna go gettin' some new guy in here, Tifa. Remember what happened when you hired that Chris dude?
Barrett: Yeah, we had to trek half way across the world just to get back the damn money he stole!
Tifa: Actually, I believe it was Yuffie who stole the money.
Barrett: Whatever.
Tifa: Look, I'd really like your support on this, guys. It would mean a lot to me.
Cloud: If we don't give you our support, then does that mean that you won't take the job?
Tifa: (sigh) I...
Aeris: I can't believe you three! How can you be so cold?!
Cid: We just don't wanna see Tifa get hurt.
Aeris: What do you mean by that?
Cid: I don't have time to explain. I have to go.
(he leaves 7th Heaven)
Tifa: All I want is... No, forget it. If you can't respect my decision then you're not worth it.
(she leaves the bar)
Aeris: (to Cloud) Nice going, you jerk!
Cloud: Hey, Barrett doesn't agree either!
Barrett: I didn't say nuthin' 'bout nuthin'.
Cloud: (to Aeris) Maybe you should go after Tifa.
Aeris: Sorry, but I'm going to the cinema.
Barrett: What's showin'?
Aeris: "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within." I'll be back later. See ya.
(she leaves the bar)
Cloud: Barrett, pass me another beer.
Barrett: 'Kay.
(he tries to pull a pint of beer from the pump)
Barrett: Uh... Cloud, it ain't workin'!
Cloud: Let me check.
(Cloud joins Barrett at the pump)
Cloud: Barrel's empty. Go change it, Barrett.
Barrett: How?
(they stare at each other in silence for a short while)
Cloud & Barrett: Aaahh!
(cut to Midgar Church, next morning. Tifa is sat in the backroom with the Reverend)
Reverend: Okay, Tifa, now I have to go out for the morning, but I trust you, so I'm gonna leave you here all alone to deal with the phone, okay?
Tifa: Of course, Reverend. I'm sure I can manage. I did run a bar, after all.
Reverend: Okay, see you later then.
(he leaves the room. The phone rings, and Tifa answers it)
Tifa: Hello, Midgar Church.
Cid: (muffled) Hello, my name is Mister, uh, Mister...
Tifa: Mr. Mister...?
Cid: (muffled) Yeah! Mr. Mister, and I have a problem.
Tifa: Tell me about it. Perhaps I can help.
Cid: (muffled) I have a friend and they took a job that I didn't think they deserved.
Tifa: Uh-huh.
Cid: (muffled) And now I'm really worried about them. I just want them to go back to the job they did best. What can I do or say to trick my friend into goin' back to their old job?
Tifa: You know, I'm having the same problem with some of my friends at the moment...
Cid: (nervous) R-Really?!
Tifa: Pardon?
Cid: (muffled) Really?
Tifa: Yeah, and do you know what I think you should do?
Cid: (muffled) What?
Tifa: Get your butt back home and stop bugging me, Cid!
Cid: Argh! I've been found out!
(Tifa slams the phone down)
Tifa: Idiot!
Reverend: (offscreen) Aaahh!
(the Reverend drops from above and crashes onto the floor)
Tifa: Reverend Roland? I thought you went out?
Reverend: (picking himself up) Uh, just going.
(he leaves the room again. Tifa sighs)
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are sat at the bar)
Cloud: Man, where the hell is that new bartender?! Tifa said he'd be here by ten.
Barrett: (in a trance) Need beer... Need beer...
(Reno, Rude and Elena all walk into the bar)
Reno: (to Cloud) Three beers please! (to Rude & Elena) And what do you two want?
Rude: ...
Elena: Yeah, me too.
Reno: (to Cloud) You heard them! Bring 'em over when you're ready. We'll be sitting over there by the pinball machine.
Cloud: (to Barrett) Should you tell them or should I?
Reno: What the hell is wrong?!
Cloud: Unfortunately our new bartender hasn't arrived yet. We can't serve you till then.
Reno: Well you know how to pull a beer, right?!
Barrett: Barrel's empty, and we don't know how to change it.
Reno: Fools! Aw, hell. We'll take our drinking elsewhere. C'mon, guys. The Turks don't settle for second best.
(the Turks leave)
Cloud: (to Barrett) What the hell did he mean by that?!
(cut to Midgar Church. Tifa is still on the phone)
Tifa: Well, um, Anon, have you ever considered plastic surgery?
Jenova: I don't have to listen to this! Goodbye!
(she puts the phone down)
Tifa: (to herself) My, what an ungrateful bitch.
(the phone rings. Tifa answers)
Tifa: (tired) Hello, Midgar Church.
Hojo: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony and it's only a matter of time until they find you out!
Tifa: (gasp) Who told you?!
Hojo: You did. You told me by the way you pick up the phone, the way you say "hello," the way you try to defend yourself with a quick gasp. I want you to say to yourself: I deserve this! I love it! I am nature's greatest miracle!
Tifa: (pause) I-I can't.
Hojo: (angry) And why not?!
Tifa: (pause) Because I don't deserve it. I've only just realised but this job really sucks. I'm having only half as much fun as I'd usually be having. And what the hell time is this? (checking the wall clock) Ten thirty? I've never had a slower day!
Hojo: You're an intelligent girl. I hope you stay that way.
Tifa: ...This isn't me. I'm wasted in here. I'm going back to my bar.
Hojo: Good for you! But can you help me with my problem first?
Tifa: Get real!
(she slams the phone down)
Tifa: (getting up) 7th Heaven, I'm coming home, baby!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Aeris is on the street corner talking to an old woman stood next to a removal van)
Aeris: Oh yeah, you'll love it here in Midgar. Sure, its always dark and depressing, and the Public Access Channel stinks, but you do find that the people here are most pleasant and kind.
Old Woman: Ooh, thank you. I can now see that I made a good choice in deciding to move to this town.
(two old men are hauling a piano up the side of the building by a rope. Suddenly, the rope snaps and the piano falls)
Old Man: Holy shit! Look out!
(Aeris and the woman below both look up. The piano crashes on top of Aeris and kills her instantly. Tifa runs by on her way to 7th Heaven)
Tifa: (nonchalant) Oh my God, they killed Aeris!
Old Woman: Damn you, people! Can't you see that the flower girl and I were having such a nice chat!
Old Man: Sorry, dear.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are still sat by the bar)
Cloud: That does it! I'm not sitting around here waiting anymore! I'm going out!
Barrett: Yeah, wait up and I'll come wit'.
Cloud: Geez, why do you always have to hang out with me?
Barrett: Huh?
Cloud: Forget it.
(they are about to leave when Tifa bursts in)
Tifa: And where do you two think you're going?
Cloud: (happy) Tifa!
Barrett: What you doin' back here? Shouldn't you be at the church?
Tifa: The church?! Yeah, right! Can I get anyone a drink?
Cloud: Tifa, what happened to your new job? Did you get fired?
Tifa: No. I give it up to come back here and be with you.
Barrett: (to Cloud) She got fired!
Tifa: (sigh) I'll just go change the barrel.
Cloud: Oh, and by the way Tifa, your replacement bartender never turned up.
Barrett: Yeah, the little turd shoulda been here at nine!
Tifa: (laughs) There was no replacement bartender! I made it all up!
Cloud: Oh.
(Cid walks in)
Tifa: Hi, Cid. Do you want a beer?
Cid: Tifa, what the...?!
Tifa: I jacked my job in.
Barrett: (quietly to Cid) She got fired actually. She's in denial.
Cid: Oh, um, I think I left my oven on. I-I'll be right back.
(he runs out of the bar)
Tifa: What's up with him today?
Cloud: Beer... I need beer...
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cid is out in the back alley with his mobile phone)
Cid: Hello, Reverend? It's Cid Highwind here.
Reverend: (sarcastically) Oh, how wonderful to hear from you again so soon, Cid!
Cid: Really? Well, I'm glad you're back on the line. Now, I have a problem. I burnt down the local tavern in Rocket Town, and I'm afraid I might do it again!
Reverend: (sigh) Oh boy!
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THE END__________
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