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Caroline Forbes doesn't do things in half measures. When she wanted to be a cheerleader, she had to be the head cheerleader. When she wanted to be in the Miss Mystic Falls' pageant, she had to win it. When she wanted to look beautiful, she had to be the most beautiful, the most perfect.
(She's eternally perfect now. Eternally seventeen)
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees herself with grey hair and wrinkled skin. And she screams.
Then she wakes up and sees herself with blond hair and perfect skin and a perfect body. Seventeen. Forever.
(And she screams louder)
"Caroline!" Stefan's voice is impatient and she tears her hand away from toying with her blonde curls to look up at him.
"Caroline, this is important. You need to listen," lines crease his forehead, marring his handsome face. He was holding a rabbit, neck twisted and legs jutting out at wrong angles. Blood was smeared across its fur. Caroline looks away in revulsion.
"I'm sorry Stefan but I can't go out and kill Thumper!" she protests desperately.
"It's Thumper or humans. Your choice," Stefan deadpans, frowning softly. She shakes her head and sighs sadly,
"Show me how to listen for them again," she whispers. Stefan nods in approval and begins to instruct her but she ignores him again.
(Because really, she could never kill Thumper)
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees green eyes that look so wrong and rabbits torn limb from limb as the green eyed demon snaps their necks and drinks their blood.
(And she wonders who's worse)
He's there when she walks in. It really shouldn't be a surprise anymore.
He's sitting by the fireplace, a crystal tumbler of bourbon in one hand and a novel sitting open on his lap as he idly flicks through it. Briefly, she wonders what book Damon could possibly be interested in.
("How come you don't sparkle?" "Because I live in the real world")
Eventually he sighs and puts the book aside.
"What do you want Caroline?" his voice calls out in exasperation. She bites her lip,
"I was hungry and was hoping I could borrow some blood". He stands, a smirk adorning his handsome face.
(More handsome than Stefan but she'll never admit it)
"You've already borrowed more than enough of my blood," he reminds her, purposely misinterpreting her words. She shivers involuntarily as she remembers that he was flowing through her veins.
(That she could never be rid of him)
"I meant blood bags," she corrects herself. He raises one eyebrow,
"You know that they don't keep bunny blood on tap right?" She bites her lip and nods. He smirks in realisation,
"It's not enough is it? It can't stop the cravings. It's never enough." She shakes her head, not bothering to answer him. He shrugs,
"This isn't a fucking bed and breakfast, and if it was, the least you could do is actually pay for it." She smiles and calls out,
"Thanks Damon!" as she heads towards the basement.
"That wasn't an invitation Barbie!" he cries in annoyance but he didn't move to stop her.
(Because really, he was too happy about the fact that she was on human blood)
Sometimes when she dreams, she dreams of the devil with blue eyes that look so right. She dreams of bruises and blood; of fingers wrapped around her neck; of bloody cuts marring pale skin.
And when she wakes up she cries. Because the dreams won't go away. Because they're not really dreams at all.
(Because they're memories)
Caroline stares at the body below her in disgust. Blood stains her pale skin like in her dreams, but this time it isn't hers. It surrounds her mouth and she feels sick when she wants nothing more than to lick it off her lips.
(She's dead)
She represses the urge to be sick because this women died to give Caroline the blood that would simply be wasted. She thinks of Bonnie's anger, of Elena's sorrow, of Stefan's disappointment. She looks at the body again.
(She's dead)
With trembling hands she calls the only person she can, fingers remembering the number that she memorised so seemingly long ago.
"What do you want Barbie?" his voice is frustrated. And she doesn't know what to say. So she bursts into tears.
(She's dead)
"I lost control. There's blood. And a body. And oh god, she's dead," she sobs hysterically; uncontrollably.
"Caroline!" Damon's sharp cry drew her back. "Where are you? Do you have your car?"
"No," she sobs, "I walked. And she was walking. And oh god, she's dead." Damon presses her further in an attempt to discern her location. When he had, he sternly instructs her to stay put and hangs up. And she falls to the ground, pressing her hands against the body that was growing cold and stiff.
(She's dead)
When she hears a car approach, she has enough sense to stand up warily. Not that she would be able to fight now. But something else takes hold of her, some instinct determined to survive that she could have sworn she never had before. And as she hears footsteps, she growls. But when she sees him step out of the trees she sighs in relief and that part of her disappears again. And hysterical Caroline returns.
(She's dead)
Damon catches her before she hits the ground and holds her tightly, placing gentle kisses on the top of her head. He strokes her arms and tells her that it will be alright and wipes the blood away from her mouth. Eventually, rational Damon appears and he tells her to go get changed into the clothes in the car while he disposes of the body. Too tired to argue, she complies because she doesn't care anymore.
(She's dead)
When Damon returns to the car she's asleep in the passenger seat and she doesn't see what he does with the body. He drives to the boarding house silently and lays her in one of the spare beds.
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees herself surrounded by bodies. With blood everywhere – on her hands, her face, her soul. They're all dead. She sees Stefan shaking his head and Elena crying and Damon laughing. And she laughs too, hysterically.
(Because she's dead too)
Caroline wakes up in an unfamiliar bed with a piece of toast and a glass of water sitting on the bedside table. After getting changed to the spare clothes that someone had placed on the end of the bed, she wanders downstairs. He's sitting by the fireplace again, reading that same book. His eyes flicker upwards to look at her briefly as she sits opposite him.
"Thank you," she whispers. He doesn't reply, just turns the page. "I lost control," she continues, "Sometimes blood bags just aren't enough so I drink from humans. I've never killed them before but I was just so thirsty, I hadn't drunk in so long." He glances up again to meet her eyes.
"Hasn't Stefan taught you how to control it?" he questions curiously.
"Only with bunny rabbits, but I can't practise on them. I can't kill Thumper." He grins but it fades quickly.
"Someone needs to teach you. I can try to help you," he offers hesitantly, expecting her refusal. But she smiles and nods cautiously.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
"Everyone makes mistakes and loses control," he shrugs.
"No," she corrects him sternly. "I'm sorry that I didn't come to you to start with." He watches her sadly and shakes his head.
"I'm sorry too," he whispers back and she looks at him in incomprehension prompting him to elaborate.
"I'm sorry for giving you a reason not." It was the closest that she had ever gotten to an apology for the way he treated her and she clings to it desperately.
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees the blue eyed devil. But there's no bruises or blood. She sees gentle smiles and tender kisses and soft whispers of nothingness. And it's all a memory too. But it's so much worse than the other.
(Because it makes the other seem that much harder)
The first time she kisses him as a vampire, their mouths are both covered in blood and it's more to get at that than him. He's teaching her control and she hasn't killed again since that night. But watching him taking that woman's blood before compelling her to leave was too much and she forces her mouth against his. When she pulls away she sees him looking at her desperately with want. And she pulls him back towards her and he wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly.
(Because really, screw the past. They can make new memories)
Stefan finds her, kissing his brother, mouths covered in blood.
"Caroline!" The pair break apart her, turning to face him. He stares at them in disgust.
"Yes?" Damon questions his brother, one eyebrow raised.
"You've been drinking human blood." It was a statement, not a question. Stefan was looking at Caroline's bloodstained lips in anger. "After everything I've taught you, you're still drinking human blood. How could you?"
Caroline listens with growing frustration. A part of her would have liked to have thought that Stefan's anger and worry would have been directed at the fact that he had just found her kissing Damon, the man who abused her, used her and assaulted her. But of course, he would never care about that.
"How could I?" she asks him and then lets her anger overtake her, "It's not enough! It's never enough! But you refuse to listen; I'm not killing – I'm only taking as much as I need."
"As much as you need?" he grunts in disbelief. "But what if you lose control? What if you kill someone?" Stefan pauses to gaze intensely at her before continuing, "Again." Caroline freezes in fear.
"Again?" she questions with false naïveté. Subtlety, she gives Damon an accusatory glance from the corner of her eye, but he shakes his head slightly and shrugs in confusion.
"I'm not an idiot Caroline," Stefan frowns at her. "Missing person reports combined with your sudden increase in strength and energy, and decrease in appetite. You killed her." Caroline tenses hearing his words and Damon rests his hand on her shoulder and squeezes gently.
"You'll do it again, you know," Stefan continues, "It's not just animal blood – nothing is enough anymore. As time goes on your blood lust will increase and you won't be able to resist anything. Drinking their blood and killing anything."
"She's stronger than you think!" Damon comes to her defence since she seems to have lost the ability to speak. "She's stronger than you," he adds softly. Stefan frowns in anger and directs his next comment to Caroline,
"You can't do this in half measures. If you want to do this properly, you need to get off human blood once and for all. You can't have a bit of both."
"Half measures?" Caroline demands incredulously. "Doing things in half measures is trying to be human when you're not. When you're a monster." Stefan flinches slightly but shrugs it off. Gesturing towards his brother, he warns her,
"You'll kill again if you do it his way. It's your choice. His way or mine. You've seen first hand the consequences of his way. Him or me."
Caroline doesn't respond but steps away from Damon, leaving a similar distance to both brothers. She ignores Stefan and simply watches Damon and his mouth stained with human blood. She shakes her head and whispers,
"I'm so sorry." Damon tenses but she turns away from him to face Stefan.
"I'm sorry Stefan, but I can't be half a vampire. I can't live this life if I'm trying to pretend to be human – to be the exact thing I'm not. I'll go insane."
Stefan shakes his head in disgust and frowns at his brother.
"It's on your head then. You deal with it." He leaves in anger, not sparing another glance at the other two. Damon turns to face Caroline who stands unmoving and silent.
"Caroline," he begins.
"Don't. Just, don't Damon," she interrupts him. But she doesn't leave. She just stands there and watches him.
Sometimes when she dreams, she dreams of dying. Of really dying. She sees an end to everything. She doesn't see what happens afterwards though.
Because really, it doesn't matter.
(Because really, nothing matters anymore)
He sees her outside her apartment as she throws a bag into a car that looks as old as him. He watches her in confusion and calls out to her,
"Blondie!" Caroline turns quickly, glancing around nervously. She spots him quickly and flinches.
"Damon," she forces a smile, "What are you doing here?"
"Well, after you dodged my calls for three days, I figured I'd stop by to check on things," he drawls.
"My phone's dead," she replies automatically.
"I see," he whispers, stepping closer to her. He pulls the bag out of the car to see half her wardrobe stuffed inside, "Where are you going Caroline?" Maybe it's because he used her real name or maybe it's just because he's him that she needs to tell him the truth.
"I can't stay here. Klaus is gone, Elena's safe, I have no reason to stay. And I was going to need to leave eventually anyway."
"If you're referring to your inability to age, you could easily pull it off for another three years or so."
"But maybe I don't want to!" Caroline was nearly screaming now. Taking a deep breath, she lowered her voice and continued, "Maybe I don't want to stay here and watch perfect Elena and Bonnie judging me everytime I take a drink. Maybe I don't want to see my mom and Matt flinch when I walk into the room. Maybe I don't want to see Stefan act all high and mighty, and maybe I don't want to see his pathetic attempts to be human."
"And what about me?" his voice is still calm, but slightly tense and he wonders if she knows what sort of an effect her answer would have on him.
"Thank you for your attempts to teach me control," she whispers. "But I think I need to teach myself now. I mean you did it, it can't be impossible."
"Do you know how many lives it took me to gain control? Not to mention the lives I took afterwards because I had become bitter from being alone. From doing exactly what you're planning on."
"Why do you care Damon?"
"Because you can't become me!" The two vampires are staring at each other, breathing heavily. He shakes his head softly, "Because you're not me. Because you're so much better than me." She sighs,
"There are worse things in the world than being you Damon."
"Not many." She doesn't respond so he continues, "Please Caroline, let me teach you. Don't leave me behind, I can't lose you." Suddenly, Caroline understands why he's here, why he's desperately begging her not to leave.
"I was going to say goodbye," she whispers in her defence. He raises an eyebrow.
"Well, I would have left a note." He raises the other brow, still disbelieving.
"Sent a letter?" she tries, and he shakes his head. "In ten years," she corrects herself.
"Only if I was lucky," he says bitterly.
"I have to leave Damon." He looks up in surprise,
"I never said not to. All I'm asking, is that you take me with you." Caroline's eyes widen and her mind fills with images of them driving off into the sunset; of an eternity.
(Because really, there are worse things than an eternity with him)
He watches her indecision before adding,
"If you let me come, we can dump this trash pile of a car and take mine instead." Caroline bites her lip, the offer was tempting. "Not to mention my three unlimited credit cards," he adds, a smirk appearing. He watches the old Caroline appear, the thought of unlimited shopping lighting up her eyes. She laughs suddenly,
"Is this you bribing me?"
"Is it working?" Damon questions her. She laughs again,
"Go back to the boarding house, I'll get rid of the car." Damon smiles relieved,
"Thank you Barbie," and he disappears. She watches him leave, smile fading and laugh lost. And she gets into the car.
Damon Salvatore didn't see Caroline Forbes again for nearly thirty years.
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees the two of them together. She sees laughter and happiness and eternity.
And this time it's not a memory, it's fantasy.
(But that's all that it ever can be)
The next time Caroline sees Mystic Falls she's still seventeen. But twenty years have passed and her hair is shorter and she's dyed it darker. She wears dark glasses and watches carefully not to let anyone who knew her see her, because it's only been twenty years. She doesn't go to the boarding house or the sheriff's office because she's too scared of what she will find there. Instead, she wanders over to the high school. The receptionist is reluctant to give out Alaric Saltzman's details, but Caroline compels her effortlessly and writes down his home address.
Needless to say, Alaric is startled to see Caroline Forbes at his door and doesn't immediately invite her across the threshold.
"You moved," she says, as if to remind him that she needed an invitation.
"I know," he replies, suggesting that she wasn't getting one anytime soon. Looking behind him, she sees a photo of him with a tall, brunette woman and two young children. She smiles relieved,
"You got married." He nods curtly,
"I would have sent out an invitation, but I had no idea where to send it." She looks away and he shakes his head, "What do you want Caroline? Elena and Stefan aren't here but if you want to see Bonnie and Jeremy I could give you their address. It's close." Caroline smiles,
"They got married?" He nods,
"Three kids. Happy as anything. They miss you." Caroline shakes her head before questioning,
"Stefan and Elena? Did she..?" She leaves the question open, knowing that he knows what she means. He shakes his head,
"She never turned. She got married too, to a nice boy. Stefan sticks around to take care of her but they're both still in love with one another. Elena just loved her humanity more." Caroline sighs softly,
"Are your wife or children home?"
"No. They're out, but they'll be home soon so be quick." Caroline leans against the doorframe and whispers,
"Where is he Alaric?" He shrugs,
"I don't know. He calls and drops by occasionally but I have no idea how to contact him."
"How can you not know?" Caroline asks in frustration, "You were his best friend!"
"No." Alaric replies firmly, shaking his head. "You were." She bites her lip and turns away. He continues, "He left soon after you. Not to find you though, he said that you'd made your choice. He just had to get out of town."
"Do you have any idea where I can find him?" she asks desperately.
"No, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. He doesn't want to be found. Not by you." Caroline nods and turns to leave.
"Thank you Alaric," she whispers. As she goes, she adds softly, "I doubt I'll see you again."
(Both of them knew that it was the truth)
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees Jenna dying. She sees Klaus' sick, twisted smile and sees his hands covered with Jenna's blood. She sees Alaric watching her in accusation.
Because really, it never should have been Jenna.
(Because really, it should have been her)
Caroline finds him Venice ten years later and he's sitting in a café reading another book.
("I miss Anne Rice. She was so onto it")
Her hair is longer and straight, but still the same shade of dark blonde as it was when she saw Alaric. He doesn't look up when she sits opposite him as if he already knew she was there. Somehow he always knows.
(Because he's flowing through her blood)
"Damon," she whispers, too soft for human ears.
"I'll get another latte," he instructs her without looking up.
"Damon, I know you know it's me." Finally he meets her eyes and raises an eyebrow,
"And?" he questions. She flinches, there's no love in his eyes or affection. Nor is there any hatred or even annoyance. He seems… bored.
"I'm sorry," she whispers her apology. He shrugs and turns back to his book,
"For what?"
"For leaving, for not listening. For everything." He shakes his head,
"Caroline I don't need an apology, there's nothing that you need to be sorry for. You made your choice."
"It's been thirty years Damon," she whispers. "I've been looking for you." He looks up in surprise,
"That last time I saw you, you didn't seem that interested in seeing me again."
"I made a mistake!" Caroline yells and the café becomes silent as people turn to face them. Damon rolls his eyes in annoyance and grabs her wrist,
"Come on," he tells her as he pulls her away, leaving a generous tip on the table. They walk along the edge of the canals without speaking, and Caroline doesn't feel that's it's necessary to remind Damon that he's yet to let go of her wrist.
"I loved you," his admission is soft and he faces the water as he says it.
"I was scared Damon," she whispers back to him. He turns to face her,
"And you should have been. I could kill in a heartbeat. I abused you, fed on you – you should have been scared!"
"No," she nearly laughs but her voice is bitter, "Not of you. Of me." He watches her sadly as she continues, "I was a vampire. I was a monster. And I had no idea how to deal with letting anyone else into my world anymore because it was so much easier to do it alone."
They're silent for some time until Damon whispers,
"I know. I know that it seems easier to do it alone. But it's not." She nods,
"I understand that now. I didn't then though," she reaches out a hand as she speaks to brush the side of his face. He tenses briefly but relaxes as she holds her hand there.
"I can't be alone anymore. And I tried to find someone else. I found so many vampires, werewolves, witches, humans but none of them could make me feel like you did. I need you Damon." He doesn't respond to her so she pulls her hand away and whispers almost too softly for even him to hear,
"I want you Damon. It's more that just necessity." She pauses hesitantly before adding, "I love you."
His silence nearly kills her and she goes to leave, but he's still holding her wrist and he refuses to let go. He looks at her and says gently,
"Being alone sucks. Even I know that now." She watches him and nods. "But thirty years is a long time Caroline. Do you even know how much has changed?"
She smiles at him and leans forwards to kiss him fiercely,
"No. So it's a damn good thing I've got eternity to figure it out."
Because thirty years is a long time.
(But eternity is longer)
Sometimes when she dreams, she sees the two of them together. She sees her fantasy of eternity. But she knows that it will never be perfect. That she can't have fantasy because she's stuck with reality.
But that's okay.
(Because reality is so much better)
Caroline Forbes doesn't do things in half measures. When she became a vampire, she couldn't live her life pretending to be human. When she wanted to get married, she had to marry in the Sistine Chapel with flowers covering every wall in a dress worth more than some countries. When she wanted a companion to spend eternity with, she had to have Damon Salvatore.
(Because really, eternity is too long a time to spend with second best)
Sometimes when she dreams, when she's wrapped in his arms and pressed against his chest, she sees nothing.
Sometimes when she sleeps, she doesn't dream at all.
(Because really, she's got everything she could ever need)