My Will

There were a million chances I had before to admit to him how much he meant to me

There were a million chances I had before to admit to him how much he meant to me. I was so stupid, sitting there pretending that I wasn't going crazy thinking of him, wishing that he would just give in and call.

Shuichi and I often fought, and he was always the first one to say 'sorry,' even when the fight had been my fault in the first place. And me…I was always the stubborn one, pretending that these little petty arguments we had didn't affect us – affect me – at all.

I must have had all of the beer I could have consumed, eaten everything that I could get my hands on, that night. I watched all my DVDs, all the TV shows that I could find in order to just keep myself busy. I drank, I ate, I smoked…I must have drained two packs. I wouldn't be surprised if I got diagnosed with lung cancer when I went in for my annual check up in a couple of weeks.

Shoving myself to my feet, I grimaced at the dizzy feeling that crept up from my stomach. I had to use the arm of the couch to hold myself up as I seized my sense of balance, standing there shaking for a few moments before I headed for my office. I slumped down into the chair, flipping up the lid on the laptop to boot it up.

I ran a hand over my face in an attempt to sober myself up a bit as it went to the desktop, my eyes falling on the background. I chuckled ever so slightly when I saw his face looming on my screen. If Shuichi were ever to see this, he would drop dead where he stood. It was his picture. He didn't even know that I took it…

It was so easy to snap the picture, too, on our first date that I took him on. I asked him to wait while I got something from the car. He didn't know that I had my camera in the car, and I used the zoom lens to take a picture of the most spectacular view I could find with him in it. My brat, smiling.

I covered my face slightly, fighting back the tightening of my throat. I hated this feeling that tore apart my heart, broke me down into little pieces. It was moments like these that made me see every little mistake I'd made, every time I hurt him, every cruel thing I'd said to him, stacked up into a neat little pile that I couldn't ignore any longer.

I just wanted him to call, to tell me that he was coming home…but I knew he wouldn't. Not this time. I had gone too far and pushed him away. He was probably never going to come back to me…I just couldn't get used to the idea that the last time I was ever going to see his face was him, glaring up at me with a bruised cheek and a limping step, tears streaming from his lavender eyes, his soft pink hair falling in his eyes.

Why did I always have to be such an idiot? Why did I always kick him out of the house when he annoyed me too much? Why did I always shove him away when all he wanted was to make me happy?

I sighed, slapping the lid on the laptop down a bit harder than I should as I stood. I hated this feeling.

I staggered to the door and down the hallway, collapsing onto the sofa. I was getting a headache, probably from all the beers I'd had. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

I knew that I couldn't live without him. No matter how many times I tried, so hard, to lie to myself, no matter how many times I tried to deny it, no matter how many times I'd pushed him away, the ache inside me, the clenching of my stomach, told me otherwise.

"I promise to you I will be nicer. I promise to you that I won't kick you out anymore. I promise to you that I won't hit you, or hurt you anymore. Just come back, brat…come home," I whispered aloud, really wanting to say the words to him…but I couldn't. "Please…brat…come home."

I walked through the park, kicking at the dirt beneath my shoes, glaring at the little rocks that bounced quietly to a stop a few feet away. I was so pissed at Yuki. This time, he'd gone way too far. He'd punched me, but I had been the one to twist my ankle when I tried to hit him back.

I limped down the path, glaring still at nothing in particular.

My mind mulled over the event again that had happened a few hours ago now, trying to figure out what had happened that had made everything go so wrong.

Yuki had been writing when I got home from the studio. I went to tell him hi, and he kicked me out of his studio. He called me a stupid brat that was just good for winning the Most Annoying award for the year as he shoved me out of his study, about to slam the door in my face. I held it open, used to his insults. I asked him if he wanted to go out that night, and he said that he had to work.

"But you're always working!" I screamed. "You never make time for me!"

"Too damn bad, brat," Yuki had told me around his cigarette, looking down at me with a bored tiger gaze. "I actually have a job, you know."

"But I have a job, too! And I always make time!" I shouted at him.

"You brought yourself into this mess; get yourself out it if you want too so bad."

"You invited me here!" I had said back.

"No, you just imposed yourself on me until I just got too annoyed to protest anymore."

"And what would you do if I did get myself out of the 'mess' I've gotten myself into?"

"I couldn't care less," Yuki said, looking down at him. "Go for it. You won't find me complaining."

At those words, I'd cried…I'd screamed.

"I hate you!" I had yelled, over and over again. That's when he first punched me, probably to shut me up. I staggered backwards from the force of the blow. When I had my footing again, I turned, a bit too quickly, to punch him back, but I twisted my ankle and landed on my rear as I fell. I just looked up at Yuki with a darkened glare, tears streaming down my face from pain and anger.

Yuki growled as he bent down to grab the back of my shirt, picking me up off my feet by just the cloth. He carried me with one hand to the door, throwing me out into the hallway. I pushed myself up onto my feet, shifting most of my weight

"I don't want to see you again, you hear me, brat?" he'd growled, slamming the door in my face.

I whimpered a bit as I tried to ignore the pain that shot up from my ankle, trying now to force the tears from my eyes. I hated what was happening. I wanted to go back, but I just couldn't.

I lifted my head, and my heart lifted suddenly. There stood my angel. He was standing with his back to me, his blond hair glistening in the light of the lamppost he was standing under. He was looking up at the stars.

My heart warmed, and I smiled slightly as I began to run for him.

"Yuki!" I said breathlessly as I grabbed his arm and twisted him, but my face immediately fell. It wasn't Yuki; it was a complete stranger. He had just dyed his hair blond, and he wasn't anywhere near as beautiful as Yuki. He smirked as he looked down at me, and memories of the first time I'd ever met Yuki assailed my mind.

I whimpered, falling down to my knees. I looked down at my hands, feeling the tears welling in my eyes as the man began to walk away. Yuki had always been this mean, ever since we met. I guess it was his true nature, though I'd been told multiple times by his brother and sister that it wasn't, but I would never know…Yuki never showed me how he really was, I thought bitterly.

I loved Yuki from the first moment I saw him, attracted to him by some invisible force. I knew that that love was only solidified by our first kiss in the elevator. However, Yuki had never made any promises in our relationship…but then again, Yuki had never turned me away whenever we made up after a fight or when we were separated for a long time like after one of my tours.

He had always welcomed me back, always have me back no matter what. It was probably half my fault why we always ended up fighting or why Yuki was always kicking him out of the apartment. Yuki was used to being alone. He was used to living without anyone there with him. He had a troubled past…I knew that that was one of the reasons why he wasn't good with people or able to commit to something like love…whereas I had grown up with a loving home, with family and friends. Yuki didn't have anyone, he was picked on as a child...even by his father.

I sighed. Maybe he missed me right now as much as I missed him.

It was almost midnight by now, I realized as I looked at my watch. Yuki might be getting worried by now. Our fights had never kept us apart for longer than a couple of hours before I caved and went crawling back to him. I sighed, wiping away my tears as I got up, beginning to limp back towards the apartment. Maybe Yuki wouldn't say anything and just hold me…but that was a bit too much wishful thinking.

When I got back, I found the apartment in pitch black. I turned the light on in the entrance hall, the light gently flowing into the next room where it fell in such a soft way on the couch. There he was, there my angel was, sleeping on the sofa. He was lying on the stomach as always, using his arms as a pillow. His shirt was a mess, there were beer cans littering the coffee table and the floor around the couch, DVD's lying all around, scattered across the floor and on top of the TV. I was about to put them away, not curious at all, thinking it was his videos of his favorite band or some…other…personal item.

When I knelt down to begin picking them up, though, I accidentally hit the remote and the TV flickered on. The video in the player began to play, and I blinked at hearing my voice coming from the speakers. I dropped the case that I had picked up, watching myself and Hiro performing our first concert at the club where I had invited Yuki to come and watch.

Yuki had taped it. I didn't believe it. I gathered all of the other cases, and they had Bad Luck's movie label on them. The titles were written all in Yuki's neat script, with the place the concert had taken place and the date. He'd labeled and dated them all himself. I blinked, turning to stare at him in shock. He really did care…

I wanted to cry at realizing how much he loved me without really showing me. With a watery smile on my face, I began to pick up the cases and put them all in order, placing them back on the shelf where they belonged…which was actually a cabinet that Yuki told me never to look in. Now I knew why.

As I was putting the cases back in their correct order, I blinked at seeing a few binders stacked into the back. With a confused look on my face, I reached in to pick up one of the binders. I looked behind me to make sure that Yuki was still asleep on the couch before I opened the first binder. Inside it was a scrapbook that had been made, all with Yuki's neat handwriting, of all my concert, publicity's, public appearances and write ups. I looked through all of them at a glance, shocked that Yuki had actually done this. When had he done it? While I was at work?

After a few moments, I put the binders and cases back where they went and closed the door to the cabinet. I stared at the door to the cabinet again before I opened it again and pulled out all the cases and the binders inside. In the back was a slip of paper. Blinking for a moment, I reached in and pulled it out. I stared at it before tears filled my eyes and began to slip down my cheeks again. It was the song that Yuki had written for me…my song.

Our song.

I flipped it over, and a few moments later a few tears came to my eyes. It was a will. Why did Yuki have a will? I turned to look over at him again before I read over it. To my utter shock, I discovered that there was only one sentence written on the will.

Everything I own and all my assets are to go to Shindou Shuichi alone.

With tears still in my eyes, I put the paper back on its shelf and put the binders and cases back into the cabinet, slowly closing the door. I sniffed, reaching up to wipe at my tears. I slowly padded over to the couch and sat on the edge of it, leaning down to give him a very gentle kiss. I realized he'd been crying as I did.

Yuki groaned. "Shuichi…" he called sleepily before he fell completely back into sleep, snuggling a bit into his arms, though one of his hands began to grope beside him, on the side where I would usually lay, to find something…find me. I blinked away a few happy tears, my heart feeling like it wanted to burst. After a moment I went to the bathroom and grabbed a towel, running it under the water for a moment so I could get it a bit wet.

I went back to the living room and gently began to wipe away his tears. Yuki groaned, slowly opening one of his eyes to look at me.

"Brat…?" he murmured sleepily. He began to sit up, but groaned and fell back down again. I reached over to run my hands through his blond hair gently.

"Yeah…it's me," I whispered quietly as I continued to wipe his face gently and unbutton his shirt, which had some beer stains on it. He let me take the shirt off, not even protesting, which I thought as slightly odd. He leaned up and gave me a gentle kiss, and I returned it willingly. He chuckled.

"I won't be able to do anything at the moment, brat," he said once I had to pull away for air.

I smiled. "Yeah, I know," I whispered gently. "Come on…let's go get you to bed. You look like you need it."

I helped him stand up, an arm around his waist as he walked with me towards our bedroom.

He stopped about halfway down the hall, looking down at me. He must have noticed my limping step, as well as the swelling on one of my cheeks.

"Did I do that?" he asked me gently, looking down at my foot.

"No, I did," I whispered.

"But I did this," he whispered back, a hand going up to rest on my bruised cheek. I flinched back slightly, as even his loving touch caused me pain. "I'm sorry."

"No…I'm sorry, Yuki. I'm sorry if I'm a pest to you," I whispered up to him, and he leaned down to kiss me again, resting his hand atop my head when he pulled away.

"I'm still sorry, too. I pushed you too hard," he whispered back to me. "I didn't mean to punch you. You just wouldn't shut up…"

"I know, I'm sorry," I whispered again, beginning to walk down the hallway again and to the bed. Yuki laid down, but before he could turn onto his stomach, I straddled his waist slightly, leaning down over him to kiss him and place my hand on his cheek.

Yuki chuckled. "You really want that, brat?" he asked me, and I kissed him back in reply.

He smiled up at me, a true smile, and I smiled back as he began to pull my shirt up off of me. Once it was off, he kissed me again as he ran his hands over my chest, flipping me so that he was above me and I was below him, gazing down at me with a lusting, desired look. He began to nip at my neck and chest, assaulting an earlobe as I felt his hands trailing down towards my pants.

"What…what were we fighting about again…?" I managed just before he captured my lips again in a harsh, fierce kiss.

"I don't remember," he whispered back as his hands roved over me.

"I hope you don't take what I did as rejection," he chuckled as he kissed me again.

I chuckled myself as I put my arms around his neck, pulling him down close to me.

"Believe me…Yuki…" I whispered, becoming breathless as his hands went up to hold my head as he kissed me roughly again. When he pulled away, I was finally able to respond after I gazed up at him through my a pleasured haze. "…I really don't…"

Fin

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this piece of fan fiction. They belong to their original creators. I just own the plot line.

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