The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is legally bound to do something else. Just more madness from my tiny mind.
Legal Research 101
"Let me see if I get this straight," Archer groaned as he leaned back in a chair. "We're getting paid to simply look up some stupid archaic laws on land property ownership?"
Archer was sitting in a large library with Lana, Pam, Ray, Krieger and Cheryl at a table. There were tons of huge books on the table and lots of papers. "Do private detectives even do this whatever it is?" Archer asked.
"It's called legal research," Lana gave him a look.
"It should be called torture," Archer grumbled. "I thought only paralegals did this stuff?"
"They do. But Cyril has a friend of a friend from one of his Warhammer games," Pam explained. "Who Cyril convinced that we could do this job."
"And we're getting paid so…" Lana sighed.
"So now we're doing some grunt work for nerds?" Archer groaned. "This is not what I wanted to do with my life as a private eye!"
"Despite what you've seen on television being a private eye isn't all drinking, shoot outs and hot women who want your dick," Lana gave him a look. "The majority of work by most private eyes is to actually do research. As in actually looking things up in books or online."
"Well why can't we do this online?" Archer asked.
"Because not everything is on the Internet," Lana barked. "Believe it or not there are still things that are only found in books!"
"Get with the times stupid books," Cheryl snorted.
"I know right?" Archer agreed.
"Archer we're also getting credited with hours towards our private eye licenses," Ray gave him a look. "It may not be the most exciting assignment we've had but it will get us out from under Cyril's thumb a lot faster. And quite frankly I could use a little quiet right now."
"Ugh! Too quiet for me!" Archer slammed down a book in disgust. "This is ridiculous! It's a waste of my valuable talents and time."
"Your talents are drinking and screwing. And your time is usually devoted to doing just that," Ray gave him a look.
"Exactly!" Archer protested. "I'm a field agent! Well I was a field agent! Not a pencil pushing research geek! This is the stuff we used to hire drones for!"
"I hate to tell you this Archer but since we are now technically working for Cyril," Lana sighed. "We're the drones now. Granted drones with guns but still…"
"Wait we're drones?" Archer did a double take. "Since when?"
"Well if you want to be technical," Krieger spoke up. "About two years ago. Since Ms. Archer and the CIA shut down our office for the first time to set up a cocaine cartel."
"Would have thought you picked up on that a long time ago," Pam said to Archer. "Since we were the only ones that stuck around and did pretty much everything."
"And have been doing everything including being our own god damn janitors since then!" Ray barked.
"And in some cases laboratory experiments," Pam added.
"You know…?" Ray glared at her.
"Cool your jets Charlie Nash! I was referring to all of us," Pam gave him a look. "Remember? Krieger's illegal ice cream experiments?"
"Oh right," Ray blinked. "I forgot about those."
"The what?" Lana did a double take. "I assume you mean making ice cream illegally? Or do you mean illegal ingredients?"
"Don't worry about it," Ray, Pam and Krieger said at the same time.
"Still sounds better than this boring assignment," Archer grumbled. "Cyril really knows how to put the ass in assignment. Get it?"
"It's not that bad. We've already found two of the articles we needed," Lana pointed out.
"Correction," Pam gave her a look. "Ray and I found two of the articles we needed."
"And made copies," Ray added. "The rest of you have found squat!"
"I can think of another word that describes this assignment beginning with S and ends with T," Archer quipped. "Four letters…"
"Good. Archer knows how to play Words with Assholes," Ray rolled his eyes.
"I know research isn't exactly your forte Archer," Lana gave him a look. "Hell we couldn't get you to read dossiers back when we were spies! But we need the money and the hours. So…"
"So suck it up like the rest of us," Pam snapped as she got up and pulled a book out from a shelf. "Besides the longer we take the more hours Cyril has to credit us for."
"Good point," Archer put his head down. "Wake me when you're done."
"Oh no," Lana glared at him. "Noooooope!" Not this time!"
"You have to do this just like the rest of us!" Ray snapped. "You're not going to slack off while the rest of us do your work!"
"Yeah your Mommy isn't our boss anymore!" Pam slammed a book in front of Archer's face. "So hit the books Detective Dicknuts before I hit you with the books!"
"Hey!" Archer shot up startled. "You could have given me a tinnitus attack!"
"No, she couldn't," Lana said.
"You're not a doctor Lana!" Archer shouted. "You don't know that for sure!"
"SSHHHH!" Someone shouted.
"Oh shut up!" Archer growled at the people a few aisles over.
"Archer this is a library! Not a god dammed pool hall," Ray growled. "Just do your work. Or at the very least pretend to do work."
"I bet Magnum PI never had to put up with this," Archer grumbled as he reluctantly opened up a book.
"Magnum PI didn't have a daughter to raise and pay for," Lana pointed out.
"Actually he did," Archer corrected. "At the end of the series. That's why he had to give up being an awesome private detective and joined the Navy again. Maybe I should join the Navy?"
"Maybe you'd better get used to this?" Lana told him. "Because it's expensive raising a child. And don't get me started on what her schooling is going to cost."
"Tell me about it," Pam nodded as she sat down and pulled out a beer from somewhere. "I can't even count how many illegal underground fights or Yakuza drag races I had to do in order to pay for college."
"Pam where did you get that beer?" Lana did a double take.
"From the cooler Archer brought," Pam pointed.
"Do you have to bring alcohol everywhere you go?" Lana snapped.
"Only if there isn't a bar," Archer shrugged as he took out a bottle of scotch. "Hey I need something to numb my brain from the tedium of this lousy assignment."
"It's not all bad," Krieger shrugged. "Some of these laws are very interesting. Did you know in California it's illegal to annoy a lizard in a park? Or that peacocks have the right of way in crosswalks?"
"Why are you here?" Archer asked him. "Cyril assigned only us for this dumb assignment."
"Doing some legal research of my own," Krieger shrugged. "Copyright laws mostly. And a few other legalities that might come up down the road."
"I wonder if it's legal for cyborgs to sue their doctor for malpractice?" Ray grumbled under his breath.
"If it is you'd probably have a case," Krieger said cheerfully. "What? A doctor can't admit the occasional whoopsie every now and then?"
"Krieger you know you're not a real doctor right?" Archer sighed.
"Well not in the legal sense no…" Krieger admitted. "But I am where it counts."
"The legal part is where it counts!" Lana barked.
"Wow you so have a malpractice case," Cheryl snickered at Ray.
"Why are you here?" Krieger looked at Cheryl.
"Well this is research which apparently I'm supposed to do," Cheryl explained.
"But you don't," Pam gave her a look. "You just sit around being bored all day."
"That's why I came with you guys," Cheryl explained.
"To sit around and be bored someplace else?" Pam asked.
"It's good to change up your week," Cheryl added.
"Speaking of change I need to make more copies of something I found and I'm out of it," Lana got up holding a book in her hand. "I think I found something useful and I want to make a copy."
"I'm out," Pam said.
"So am I," Archer said.
"Me too," Ray said. "I used the last of my change on that file I made." He pointed to a file nearby.
"Yeah I don't usually carry change," Krieger admitted. "Spare batteries yeah but not change."
"And I'm guessing you don't have any change either," Lana looked at Cheryl. "Great…I hate going to a store to make change."
"Why not just go back to the office?" Cheryl suggested. "There's a change box there you can use for free. Plus you can take the files of stuff we already copied to Cyril as proof we are working so if we do drag out a few extra hours he can't say we're screwing around."
"That's…" Archer did a double take. "Not a bad idea Carol."
"Except for the fact that the office is thirty minutes away from here," Lana pointed out. "It will take me an hour to go there and back for some change!"
"Yeah and how long are you gonna wander around the hallways and the streets looking for someplace to get change?" Cheryl pointed out. "I can tell you right now what few stores are on this block aren't gonna give it to you without buying something."
"She's right," Pam admitted. "It would be cheaper and faster for you to go back and get it."
"Unless she goes to a package store and gets us more drinks," Archer pointed out. "And some crackers or something."
"I'm…" Lana sighed as she put the book down and picked the files up. "Going back to the office."
"You can still get us something to eat," Archer said as she started to leave.
"I'm not your delivery person!" Lana snapped at him. "Just keep working while I'm gone!"
"SHHH!" Someone said.
"Oh you SHHH!" Lana snapped as she left.
"Man can she stomp or what?" Cheryl snorted. "Sounds like a Clydesdale in high heels."
"Okay just so we're on the same page," Krieger frowned. "We're not really going to do any work while she's gone right?"
"Nope," Archer said as he took a drink.
"Well then pass me a damn scotch," Ray growled.
"Me too," Cheryl added.
"You're not supposed to have food or beverages in here," A woman in a brown dress suit glared at him as she walked by.
"Well I am so I guess today is opposite day," Archer quipped.
Cheryl looked excited. "It's not really opposite day, Cheryl," Pam told her.
"Damn it," Cheryl snapped her fingers.
"You can't drink in here," The woman growled.
"You are not my food supervisor," Archer said.
"Yeah hit the bricks narc bitch!" Pam said as she took a sip of beer and burped.
"Well I never!" The woman stormed away.
"That explains a lot!" Archer called out after her.
"You have beer?" A man in a suit walked up to them. "Can I have some? I'm studying for a bitch of a case and I need a break."
"Yeah you can…" Archer began.
"Hold on," Pam stopped him. "We'll give you one for ten bucks. A scotch or anything harder is twenty."
"Here's fifty bucks," The man handed out some money to Pam. "I'll take two scotches and a beer."
"Hey I could go for a couple of beers," Another man walked up to them.
"Me too!" Someone else called out.
That's when Archer got an idea. A terrible, awful…completely insane idea.
"Ray, Krieger…" Archer smirked. "You know that convenience store just around the corner?"
"We're on it," Ray said as he and Krieger got up.
Twenty eight and a half minutes later back at the Figgis Agency…
"And that's why I came back here," Lana explained to Cyril. She put the file on his desk. "I figured I would at least bring some of what we discovered back already just to prove we were working."
"We were working?" Cyril raised an eyebrow.
"Well I was," Lana admitted. "And so is Ray and Pam obviously. Krieger is working on something else. Not sure what but Archer and Cheryl…"
"Are being their usual efficient selves," Cyril quipped sarcastically. "I'll make a note of that. Obviously I won't credit him any hours."
"He really doesn't deserve them," Lana admitted. "Just sitting there cracking jokes and drinking out of that cooler of his."
"Hang on," Cyril gave her a look. "What do you mean by drinking out of a cooler?"
"Archer brought a cooler full of scotch and beer and god knows what else," Lana told him. "You know Archer. He can't go a few hours without something alcoholic in his body."
"So you left Archer and the other idiots alone?" Cyril did a double take. "In a law library with a cooler full of alcohol?"
"Yeah. So?" Lana blinked.
"You really don't remember any of our talks do you?" Cyril shouted. "About when I went to Law School? None of that rings a bell does it?"
"Uh not really no," Lana blinked.
"Well if you had Lana, you would know that bringing alcohol to a law library is a very bad idea!" Cyril shouted. "And I don't just mean for Archer and the Idiot Squad!"
"What do you mean?" Lana was confused. "What's the worst that can happen?"
Twenty Nine and a half minutes later back at the law library…
"This Lana," Cyril said in a disappointed tone. "This can happen!"
All through the law library people were drinking, dancing and making out. A radio was playing in the background. One woman was dancing in her underwear on a table. Some people in disheveled clothes had turned another table into a game of beer pong. Some other people were making paper airplanes out of the pages of several books and throwing them around.
"What the hell is going on?" Lana shouted.
"The same thing that always happens when you introduce alcohol to a group of stressed out, wound up lawyers in a confined space," Cyril groaned. "Complete chaos!"
"WE'RE GOING STREAKING! WHOOOOOO!" A naked handsome male lawyer ran by with a few other male lawyers.
"This is just what happened every time finals came around," Cyril groaned.
"Well how was I supposed to know that?" Lana barked.
"If you paid attention to any of my law school stories you would have known that!" Cyril shouted at Lana.
"Let's just find Archer and…" Lana began when she saw something. Or rather someone. "Oh for crying out…"
"Damn it Archer!" Pam shouted. "Stop drinking the product! You're going to cut into our profits!"
"And you don't see the irony of you making that statement?" Archer quipped.
They were at a table filled with bottles of alcohol and a line had formed at it. Archer was drinking from a bottle while Pam was exchanging money for alcohol. "I didn't eat all the cocaine and you know it!" Pam snapped. "A quarter maybe but I still knew enough to leave some over!"
"Don't worry," Archer pointed. "Ray's cleaning up at the poker table."
"All right, all right, all right!" Ray whooped as he collected some winnings from what looked like a few very hung over men. "Next call! Aces are wild including the dealer!"
"Yeah I see what you mean," Pam remarked. "I can see their all their tells from here. That one guy is actually saying what he has in his hands aloud!"
"I'd say like shooting fish in a barrel but what Ray is doing is easier than that," Archer quipped. "I guess it's like taking candy fish out of a barrel."
"ARCHER!" Lana and Cyril shouted as they stormed up to them.
"Oh here they come," Archer rolled his eyes. "The not so dynamic duo. Lawyer Man and I Wonder What She's Complaining About Now Woman!"
"A little too long," Pam gave him a look. "Doesn't really roll off the tongue."
"Can you do better?" Archer challenged.
Pam thought a moment. "Dickless Tracy and Chest Truemouth?"
"That is better," Archer conceded.
"Archer what are you doing?" Lana barked.
"Selling booze at a party," Archer said.
"I can see that!" Lana barked.
"Well then why did you ask?" Pam asked.
"Yeah!" Archer agreed.
"Where are the other idiots?" Cyril groaned.
"Krieger's organized an impromptu hackey-sack game over by the copyright law section," Archer pointed to a circle of people in the distance. "And Cheryl is somewhere around here."
"WHOOOOO HOOOOO!"
"Oh there she is," Archer looked over. "Riding piggyback on that security guard."
"Oh dear God…" Cyril groaned.
"VROOMM! VROOM!"
"What's a motorcycle doing in here?" Lana yelled. "And how did they get it on top of the bookshelves? That is just disturbing!"
"So is that game of Strip Twister going on over there," Cyril pointed to a corner.
"Hey who invited the cops?" Cheryl called out as more people arrived.
"Oh this will not end well…" Cyril groaned.
A few hours later…
"You idiots are lucky it didn't end with us being arrested! So you can forget about being credited with any hours for your Private Eye license Archer!" Cyril snapped at Archer and the other agents in his office. Mallory was also there with a drink and a scowl.
"Man Cyril, you're a bigger buzzkill than the cops," Archer grumbled.
"It's a good thing those judges were at the party and were able to convince the police to drop the charges," Pam spoke up.
"On the condition that none of us are allowed back in that law library ever again!" Cyril shouted. "So there goes that source of income!"
"You colossal asshole," Mallory glared at her son. "You couldn't even pretend to look at a book for a few hours? God knows you did that all the time in school!"
"You're just mad because you weren't there drinking too," Archer snorted.
"Among other reasons but mostly because I didn't get a cut!" Mallory snapped.
"Wonderful example of parenting by the way," Lana rolled her eyes.
"I'm not the one who left these idiots alone in a law library with a case of alcohol!" Mallory shouted.
"That is a good point," Cheryl added.
"Shut up!" Lana barked. "And it was your idea I should go in the first place!"
"And that alone didn't raise any red flags with you?" Mallory barked.
"Also a good point," Krieger said.
"I wasn't even gone an hour!" Lana protested.
"Lana you should know by now we don't need an hour to have things get out of control," Ray smirked. "Half an hour, yeah but not a full one."
Archer shrugged. "Besides it wasn't a total loss. We made a lot of money before the cops shut us down."
"How much did you make?" Cyril asked. "Because odds are that's what we are going to need to pay the fine."
"What fine?" Lana asked.
"The fine we have to pay for causing a disturbance in a law library!" Cyril snapped. "As well as a separate one for bringing alcohol into a law library!"
"What kind of rule is that?" Lana was stunned.
"Lawyers came up with this rule! Remember?" Cyril snapped. "I also told you about this during our many talks which you obviously didn't pay attention to!"
"I paid attention…You just never mentioned it!" Lana protested.
"I did mention it," Cyril growled. "Several times."
"I don't remember," Lana said.
"Really?" Cyril snapped. "The story of my school buddy Todd Rutherford AKA Hot Toddy and the infamous pop quiz toga party doesn't come to mind?"
"Okay Lana I normally don't side with Cyril on these things," Archer said. "But in this case maybe you should have listened to that particular story."
"Yeah I wanna hear this story," Ray's ears perked up.
"Me too!" Krieger said cheerfully.
"If you had paid attention you would have known that alcohol and lawyers doing research is a bad combination," Cyril snapped. "Like Hot Toddy and the infamous St. Patrick's Day incident that almost got him kicked out of law school. And got him served with seven paternity tests."
"Now that story I definitely want to hear!" Pam's jaw dropped.
"How do you not know that story?" Ray asked Lana.
"Yeah Lana!" Archer barked.
"I admit that story does perk my interest," Mallory blinked.
"Figures!" Archer groaned. "The one time Cyril actually has something interesting to say you don't know it?"
"Now you called him Hot Toddy because he drank Hot Toddy's right?" Ray asked.
"Actually we called him that because of the time he got drunk and set himself on fire," Cyril corrected. "Along with Professor McGonagall's office."
"What?" Archer was shocked. "Wait, is your friend Todd even a lawyer now?"
"Is your friend Todd even alive now?" Ray asked.
"And if he is, is he in jail?" Pam asked.
"Yes, to the first two. Not anymore for the third. Those are some really good stories actually," Cyril chuckled.
"Well we are going to hear them right now!" Archer spoke up.
"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed. "And Lana should take notes because she didn't pay attention the first time!"
"That's a really good idea Cheryl," Cyril grinned.
"Oh you are just loving being in charge aren't you?" Lana gave him a look.
"Hey this is one way for you to listen to my stories and I'm going for it!" Cyril said. "We'll start with the first adventure. How Hot Toddy got his nickname and ended up blowing his affair with Professor McGonagall."
"Wait he had an affair with the professor whose office he set on fire?" Mallory did a double take.
"Juicy!" Pam chirped with glee.
"Yeah. That's how the office got set on fire," Cyril said. "He was using candles to set the mood and accidentally set her desk on fire."
"Lana you so gotta take down these stories," Pam told her.
"There are some stories I could tell about this group," Lana grumbled as she grabbed a pen and pencil. "But no one will ever believe it!"