Wonderwall
A Detective Conan One-shot
Hattori Heiji/Toyama Kazuha
Author's note: Standard disclaimer… Gosho Aoyama is responsible for Detective Conan. Oasis is responsible for the song "Wonderwall".
Friendship was a bond that was unbreakable, especially if a pair knew each other since they were in diapers. According to the stories, Heiji first met Kazuha the day he began potty training; although embarrassing, it proved Shizuka-san's point… Heiji and Kazuha had history. Their friendship evolved from sharing toys, walking to school, exchanging homework answers to afternoon spent in a café, evening chats and worrying about one another.
"Did you burn the house down?" Heiji would inquire when he came over and saw her kitchen in shambles, a sign that she was experimenting with cooking and failed horrendously.
"Why did you go into that warehouse, ahou?!" Kazuha would cry when he was in the hospital, being treated for another bullet wound.
They were friends, nothing else. Even though their classmates would tease on how they acted like a married couple, they would have to defend themselves with the "Kazuha is like Heiji's nagging older sister" routine.
Then, Kazuha thought Ran was Heiji's new interest named "Kudo". And something dark and hidden deep within began to claw its way to the surface.
And then Kazuha was dangling over a cliff with Heiji keeping them off the ground with only the help of a tree limb. She stabbed his hand, hoping that he would let her go so that maybe he could at least save himself. And there was no doubt or second thoughts; she raised her hand, clutching the arrow, breaking his skin with no regret.
That was when she knew he was not just her friend and not just a crush that would fade over time. He was it.
But he still acted the same. Granted, there were moments when another man temporarily grabbed her attention, causing a green monster to surface in his eyes, but he ignored it. It was probably the flu or something.
They were friends, plain as that.
--
"They're not serious, right?"
Kazuha pulled the shrug closed against her chest. "They might be. They haven't had too much to drink."
"You know what I mean," he loosened the black tie around his neck. "Us? Getting married."
Kazuha realized something between a sigh and a laugh. "Yeah. Wouldn't that be something."
"I mean, let's face it; you can't cook--."
"And you're not Mr. Chivalry, anyway."
They both turned to each other, covered in the faint glow of the restaurant's entrance light. They stood still, frozen, without any words said for a few moments.
He looked good in a suit, she mused.
Green really flattered her, he noticed.
Heiji was the first to break his silence with a smile. "We're friends. We've known each other for years. I mean, how often does that work out: a pair of childhood friends in a happy relationship?"
(In Tokyo, a couple residing in Beika released a simultaneous sneeze.)
"We're like family," Heiji finished.
"Nakama, huh?" Kazuha did not return his gaze.
"Exactly!" he nodded and casually laid a hand to her shoulder. "Why ruin a good thing, right?"
Kazuha surprised herself by finding the strength to nod and look up at him. "We shouldn't ruin a good thing."
Kazuha was not surprised with herself when she cried herself to sleep that night. Perhaps it was for the best. After all, the happily ever after Kudo-Mouri scenario was so rare… How many friendships were broken because love got in the way? It was better this way, she managed to convince herself.
--
She had her first boyfriend when she was in college. They met the first day of school in Sociology class. He had not bought his textbook yet and she offered to share during lecture, allowing him to look at the charts and surveys the instructor referred to. Moriyama Takeshi moved from Okinawa to Osaka; he was a country boy through and through. He grew up in a mostly agricultural town; his parents owned a small farm. His plan was to major in Economics at a big school like Osaka U. rather than go to the local ones near his hometown.
One month later, Heiji began dating his partner from Chemistry class. Ayame Yuri would speak animatedly about science and hoped to work at the forensics department for the police force.
Heiji broke up with Yuri after three months.
Kazuha broke up with Takeshi two weeks later.
Heiji invited her out for a movie soon after. "You're paying," she gladly accepted.
They were both sitting in the movie theater, Kazuha sitting to Heiji's left. He was slouching in his chair, eye level near Kazuha's shoulder.
"So," Kazuha picked up a popcorn kernel and popped it in her mouth. "I never asked but how come you and Ayame-san broke up?"
He frowned and answered, "I would ask her what she would want to do and she'd answer," he adjusted his voice to a higher pitch, " 'I don't know. Whatever you want.' It was like that for three months!"
"She never made any decisions for herself?"
"Pretty much. I'm surprised she managed to pick something out to wear every morning. She probably had to consult someone about it--."
"Don't be stupid, Heiji. She probably was being considerate." She picked up the cup of cola from her armrest and took a sip. "She was nice, though," Kazuha added.
"I dunno…" Heiji released a growl. "What about Moriyama-what's-his-face?"
"Takeshi," Kazuha corrected. "Nice guy but he wanted to be with me all the time." She pulled out another kernel from the bag.
Heiji quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled it towards him. He ate the popcorn kernel wedged between her fingers, his lips barely brushing over her thumb. "Smothering-type. I knew it," and he released her wrist. "Never really liked him."
Kazuha was not in the right mindset to respond. She was far too busy thinking of what Heiji did, not what Heiji said. "Uun…" was all she could muster out.
--
Almost a year later, Heiji began dating the daughter of a new inspector that transferred to his father's division. Yamada Kyoko was a rather quiet girl and not terribly cute like Yuri, but she caught Heiji's attention when he spotted her reading Ellery Queen's Tragedy of X. They managed to spend hours talking about mysteries and she even tagged along with him to some of his cases.
Those particular events stung Kazuha deep in the chest.
It took her a while to find another boyfriend. This time around, Shun Motoki was a student working in the library. He was a good-looking man, well built, and he helped her research on her term paper for her crime analysis class.
After a good year, Motoki dumped Kazuha.
Soon after that, Heiji split from Kyoko.
Heiji and Kazuha agreed to meet at the same café they always visited as kids. They sat at a table with a white marble top, a parfait in front of each of them.
"We weren't really romantic, you know?" Heiji explained the dissolution of his recent relationship. "So, we both agreed to be friends."
Kazuha nodded. "Yeah. Well, Motoki-kun wanted to get back with his ex-girlfriend, who was previously studying abroad. Plus, I think we're too different."
"Maybe he can't stand your fussiness."
In response, she stole his maraschino cherry.
"Hmph," Heiji dug his spoon into his parfait, scooping out a chunk of banana and chocolate ice cream. He dumped it in Kazuha's cup, and then took out a strawberry from hers. "Never really liked him."
"You said that about Takeshi. And what are you doing to my parfait?"
"Taking some," he said with a cock of the eyebrow and a grin of the mouth. "If I said that before, maybe you have bad taste."
If only he knew the truth, she thought quietly while scooping up some of her vanilla ice cream into her mouth. She saved the chocolate and banana scoop as her last bite.
--
Soon after their fourth year started, Heiji set up a date for Kazuha and Matsuda Kimura, a new member of the kendo club and a classmate in her math statistics class. He thought it was a good idea at the time but found himself blocking out the voices that teased him whenever she mentioned something sweet Kimura said to her.
On their six month anniversary, she found out Kimura had another girl on the side for the past three months.
However, she could not keep the smile off her face when Kimura came to class black, blue and purple all over, with an arm in a sling and a leg strapped in a brace.
She texted Heiji in the middle of class: Thanks for caring, Heiji.
He responded quickly with: What? I didn't do anything. :P
They agreed to meet in the student union after class.
"Heiji, I watched your kendo matches growing up. I know your signature bruising," Kazuha took a sip of her soda.
"My story still stands: he fell. A lot." He noticed her eyeing the takoyaki sitting in front of him and took the hint. He picked up a piece with his toothpick and held it out to her. "Hurry up. My hand isn't gonna hold out here all day."
She leaned forward, taking the takoyaki ball full in her mouth. Soon after that, Kazuha's face blushed a deep pink when Heiji used the back of his index finger to wipe the corner of her lips. "I… I could have used a napkin."
"Whatever. This was quicker," Heiji brought his finger to his lips, eating the takoyaki sauce. "Anyway, I never really liked him."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "You set me up with him."
Heiji's face twitched, a glimmer of guilt on his face. "Yeah… sorry. Listen though, don't get beat up about him, okay? He had a good thing but he screwed up. His loss, got it?"
Kazuha nodded, wondering silently if Heiji really had any clue. "Yeah. His loss."
--
Heiji's next relationship only lasted for two months. Mizuno Meiko was the teaching assistant for his Criminal Psychology class. It was an awkward relationship at first, but they managed to be professional during class; they even kept it a secret from the teacher and his classmates. However, she ended it, telling him that he had yet to open his eyes.
"They are open," Heiji arched an eyebrow, rather perturbed.
"You may have the best grades in class but… perhaps you should put your investigation skills to work," Meiko momentarily glanced at the figure approaching from behind him. "Good luck with her," she said with a smile and left.
Kazuha, approaching him from behind, soon remedied Heiji's solitude. "What's wrong?"
"I…" Heiji glanced at Meiko's back, and then returned to Kazuha. "I think I got dumped."
"What did you do?" she lifted a teasing eyebrow.
Heiji could only shrug.
The matter soon resurfaced when the Kudos came over to visit at Hattori's house. Ran and Kazuha left for quality girl time, leaving the boys to fend for themselves.
"How do you do it, Kudo? Get married at a young age and starting this whole new life?"
"It's because I wanted it," Shinichi answered frankly, sitting cross-legged on the floor. "Get the powder for me, please?"
"Sure," Heiji dug in the bag near the door, pulling out a white plastic bottle and handed it to his fellow detective.
"So, you said Mizuno-san dumped you?"
"Yeah," Heiji answered right when a gentle giggle filled the room. "She said to put my investigation skills to work. Oh, and 'good luck with her'."
This time, Shinichi laughed. "Confused? That isn't surprising… isn't that right?" he said the last phrase in a significantly different pitch, very much like a singsong voice.
A giggle responded back.
"I think I have an idea what she was talking about…" Heiji crossed his arms as he stood against the doorframe.
A piece of Velcro sounded through the room. "And that would be?"
"Kazuha."
Shinichi smirked. "Well, what do you know, Conan-kun? Your Heiji-oji-chan isn't an idiot!" The little bundle of joy sprawled in front of him reached out to his father, his blue eyes shimmering with wonder and glee.
"Haha," Heiji dryly laughed. "Don't teach your kid lies; I'm not an idiot! Anyway," he cleared his throat, "this is Kazuha we're talking about. I've known this girl since forever. I mean, guys don't date girls they've known all their lives."
"Yeah…" Shinichi scoffed. "We don't date them, we marry them. And have families with them."
Heiji swallowed. "You-you know what I mean! You're different! You and Nee-chan love each other--."
"You don't love Toyama-san?" Shinichi asked while fastening Baby Conan's clothes on.
"Well, I do, but not like that--."
"Are you sure?"
It was one of the first times that Heiji really doubted himself. He stayed silent and watched Shinichi clean up the mess he created while changing Conan's diaper.
"Here's what you do know," Shinichi began, "You've dated other girls but they're not working out. However, Toyama-san has been a constant in your life. This is the girl who knows you inside and out, better than you know yourself. She's been beside you through the best and worst and always believed in you. You two are the best of friends. Now, here's what it comes down to," Shinichi gathered Conan in his arms, who happily clung to his dad's shoulder. "Is that all she really is?" He left Heiji to his thoughts before giving him Conan's 'presents' that he collected in a plastic bag.
--
When they were in the library, Heiji asked Kazuha to be his girlfriend. They were standing in the row of famous case documents when he brought it up to her.
Kazuha had to pinch herself, hoping it was a reality, and not one of those many dreams she had.
"I like hanging out with you," Heiji reasoned. "And you're a good girl."
Kazuha's selective hearing only picked up "I", "like", and "you."
Really, it was a dream come true.
Immediately, they noticed the difference. Compared to other relationships, where the first few weeks were spent getting to know each other and stepping on eggshells, this was very different. They didn't have to sensor themselves or hold back, so their relationship escalated before they knew it.
In fact, it escalated faster than they imagined. It was during a weekend trip to the beach when everything changed. Perhaps it was the setting, Heiji's warmth or maybe Kazuha's aura but as night filled the sky, it became perfectly clear how much they wanted one another. The ideas and needs burned fiercely inside of them. It was controllable. It was avoidable. However, Kazuha knocked on Heiji's door and he willingly stepped back to let her in. For the hours that followed, Heiji could not think. He just knew what he wanted and be damned with the aftermath. He would deal with it later because at that very moment, all that mattered was Kazuha and how good she made him feel.
The week that followed was spent walking on a tightrope. Something flashed deep within him that night. He did not know what it was, he did not know how to feel, everything was all going too fast, so he did the only thing he could do: he decided to end things with Kazuha.
"We're friends first… maybe that's all we should be," he told her over a strawberry parfait.
Kazuha's eyes looked down.
"I mean, you're the only one I've… you know, and I don't regret it or anything. It's just that… we're graduating soon and this relationship is going too fast."
Kazuha scooped a bit of her ice cream and kept the spoon in her mouth until she found the courage to look at him, a smile tugging the corners of her lips. "Okay."
Her glassy eyes reflected the opposite.
Heiji felt something break inside his chest.
The following weeks felt like a whole different existence. They only exchanged words during class and even then the amount were few. They tried their best to preserve what they had back in their youth but they risked the change and felt it full force; it was easier said than done. And soon after, Kazuha was avoiding him completely, from arriving just as class started to sit on the other side of the room to not answering her phone.
Now this did not feel right. He began to feel nostalgic of his youth. But dammit, he had not talked to her in days and he felt so rotten but he could not understand why. It was so confusing because he missed her. It was not supposed to happen like this. He was happy with her but after that night, something inside him changed. Something fierce, foreign and strong broke through him and he had no idea what on earth it was. That scared him into retreat mode.
But he missed her, that he knew. And he would be damned if the avoidance continued any further. Heiji decided that if she was not going to talk to him at school, he would go to her house. She could not run away and what was the worst she could do? Lock herself in her bedroom? Heiji knew exactly where Occhan kept the skeleton key.
But his tracks stopped the moment he stepped on the Toyama doorstep.
"I won't!" came Kazuha's yell from the inside.
"You can't do this all by yourself!" exclaimed the voice of Kazuha's father.
"I don't want to involve him!"
"But you're willing to put your life on hold?"
"I… ergh, I already explained this. I don't want to talk about this right now, please."
Screeching of rubber on hardwood floor sounded.
"Kazuha, listen to me! I know why you decided this but I disapprove. Heiji is the father and he should--."
The door swung open and there stood Toyama-san in the foyer with Kazuha holding the door open, ready to leave. Silence froze the Toyamas when they finally saw Heiji standing at the front door, pale, dilated eyes and jaw to the floor.
"Heiji…" Kazuha swallowed and immediately put a hand to her belly. She swallowed back a fresh set of tears and tore past him, running out of the house and into the streets.
Heiji remained petrified, eyes forward on Toyama-san.
Toyama-san sighed, defeated. He looked so tired, Heiji finally noticed. "I know you two separated but do you understand what's going on?"
Heiji was at a complete loss for words.
"She's two months on her way. Will you do anything?"
Heiji stepped back from the Toyama residence and ran.
--
She was not at her usual places. It took Heiji a while but he found her at their elementary school. He found Kazuha sitting on a bench near the playground. While children ran about, filling the air with their merriment, she sat quietly, fiddling with the key chain connected to her house key. Physically, she did not look any different but right before his eyes, she completely changed. She was not the girl he grew up with, his best friend, the tag-a-long older sister figure, the ex-girlfriend… Kazuha was the young woman carrying his child.
His feet planted him in front of her and he stared at her, sea-colored eyes wide with confusion.
Kazuha's sight looked up from his white sneakers as she stared up at him. "The baby is yours, in case you had any doubts," she finally broke the silent air. "I've never been with anyone else."
"How…?" Heiji trailed off.
" 'How'?" Kazuha's eyebrows rose. "You should know how babies are made--."
"No, no! I mean… how… how did you know?"
Kazuha shrugged. "I just felt… different. So, I went to the doctor. She told me just a couple of days ago."
Heiji felt his muscles fail him. He took a seat down next to her, the whole time his eyes on her. He sat, hands on his knees, trying to pull his gaze from her but failing every time. His mind was in a thick fog, blocking out the sounds of the playground. "So what are we going to do now?" he managed to whisper.
Kazuha closed her eyes as she told him, "There is no 'we'. After graduation, you continue your life and I'll stay home to raise the child."
That snapped Heiji out of his shock. "What?"
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to kick you out of the baby's life. I'm just saying that graduation is in one month and you can't go to basic training while worrying about a child."
"What about you? We were both supposed to go to police training at the same time!"
"Well, I can't do that while I'm pregnant! That's dangerous!"
"So what about you being a cop?!"
"I can't. But at least you'll be able to hold your dream. You've always wanted to be like your dad," Kazuha leaned back against the bench's backrest. "So go to training, get all those glowing recommendations and move your way to the top."
"But… but… you--."
"I have other things to worry about," Kazuha stretched her arms over her head. "Like graduation, first. Then I'll get a job and work until my condition won't allow me to." She released a sigh in the air and muttered to herself, "It's not going to be easy…"
Something snapped in Heiji's reason.
"…but I'll figure something--."
"Marry me."
Kazuha froze, her thoughts and words rendered to nothing. For a few moments, she had to backtrack her memory, making sure she heard him right. "Heiji… why?"
"Why not?" Heiji told her, eyes locked with hers. "I know you don't want to depend on your dad all the time; let's face it, Occhan is getting older. And I'm the f-father; I should be there all the time! Besides, being an unwed mother is just the beginning of your problems…"
Something dark flashed across Kazuha's green eyes. "That's why?"
Heiji took a moment, trying to recall if he forgot anything. When he was sure of himself, "Yeah. Sure."
Kazuha steadily placed her palms on the bench and rose to her feet. She took one last look at the children on the playground before giving him her answer. "No."
--
The frustration that clouded Heiji's brain distracted him. He could not complete his senior project. His concentration was out the window and all he could think about was how stupid she was.
"I didn't know she could be so… ERGH!" Heiji squeezed the phone so tight, he would have broken it.
"You know, this is partly your fault," Shinichi's voice came through the earpiece.
"How?! I asked her to marry me and she said 'no'! Why does she want things difficult for herself?"
"Because this is Toyama-san we are talking about. She wouldn't want to marry someone because she wants to make her life easier."
Some crying was heard on Shinichi's end. A soft voice (Nee-chan, Heiji heard) spoke in the background. Gentle singing followed, subsiding Conan's tantrum. Heiji's breath caught, hearing Conan's cry. Soon, his child would be doing that. "Kudo… how do you do it? How can you have a kid? I mean, Kazuha has… I don't think I'm ready."
"Hattori, no one is ready to have a child," Shinichi admitted. "And in all honesty, it is hard work. It cuts into your time, stresses you out and it's physically and emotionally draining. But at the end of the day, it's the most rewarding role in life."
"Yeah?" Heiji could feel his friend's happiness glowing from the phone.
"It is."
A smile formed on Heiji's face, eyes softening. He always did want a child. He never expected to have one so young, but there was nothing he could do about that. He would have to accept it; it would take time but he knew himself well enough. Eventually, he would get used to it.
And Kazuha seemed ready. Thinking of her immediately pulled the smile from his face. "What am I gonna do about Kazuha? She's acting so stupid! She won't marry me but she's telling me not to worry about the baby and live my own life! Why is she doing this? Is she trying to drive me to an early grave?!?!"
"You really want me to answer that?"
"I asked, didn't I?" Heiji bit.
"Relax, Hattori. Just think, would you? She's willing to sacrifice her life for this child: she's not going to police training and she's trying to find work elsewhere. Also, she's doing all this so she doesn't have to depend on you. If she asked you for help, that would get in the way of your training and possibly your future job. She's letting you stick to your original plans, the plans you wanted."
"Why is she sacrificing so much for me?" Heiji flopped back on his bed. He draped his forearms over his eyes and paused to think. It took some time but when he flashbacked to his past, something in his conscience clicked. She always did go the extra mile for him, he realized. And when he thought about it, that same feeling, that fierce, bright, powerful feeling filled him again. "Say Kudo…" Heiji found himself nervous as he spoke, a pinch of fear and doubt shaking his voice. "You think… she's… in love with me?"
Silence. More silence. Heiji could hear his own pulse quickening, pounding against his ears. "Hattori…" Shinichi finally spoke, sparking Heiji's full and undivided attention. "You moron, you should know that by now."
When Shinichi finished his sentence, Heiji awoke to a suspicion that was locked away for years. Kazuha was in love with him. She loved him as a friend but she was in love with him as well.
"Crap," Heiji cursed. Had he always been this blind? "How could I not see it?"
"Maybe because you don't know how you feel."
"But she's my friend… right?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
"I'm… telling you?" Heiji gulped. "I don't know. I mean, I've always seen her as a friend; that was pretty clear… except…"
" 'Except'?"
Heiji recalled the feelings he noticed after that night. Those bright, warm, fierce, foreign feelings that consumed him so much, it scared him. Scared him to run. "Dammit, Kudo… I don't know anymore!"
The last advice Shinichi told him that night was to really think about it. Even while Heiji worked on his senior project, Kazuha was on the back of his mind.
--
"Hattori Heiji, Summa cum laude."
She watched proudly as Heiji accepted his diploma from the head of the Criminal Justice Department. She zoomed in through her camera lens and snapped the shot as Heiji bowed, hands on his diploma. Kazuha sat, waiting for her row to be called to proceed to the podium.
For one month, they did not speak much. Under the guise of school, she kept herself busy with projects and studying. They did not spend casual time together like they used to but that was fine with her. She was preparing herself, because she knew he would leave for basic training in a few months and would not be back for a while. She needed to prepare for many things. Her hand absently lay on her belly for a few moments.
She was three months pregnant.
Distancing herself from his life was for the best. For his sake, it was for the best.
After the ceremony, their families met up to take pictures of the graduates. Shizuka-san nudged the two together for a close shot; Kazuha tried to ignore the warmth she felt when Heiji put a hand to her lower back.
"So, Kazuha," Shizuka-san asked. "Are you going to training the same time as Hei-chan?"
Heiji didn't tell his parents, she realized. Kazuha was not sure whether to feel shocked but the most immediate feeling was disappointment. "I don't feel prepared yet," Kazuha said, noticing Heiji and her father exchanging tense glances. "So I'm going to work first at the Yoshisato Law Firm."
"We're proud of you both," Heizo said, putting a firm hand on his son's shoulder. "You both have grown up; you two are ready for the real world."
"Yes," Toyama-san allowed a soft smile to form on his face. "They are both grown up now."
Kazuha felt Heiji lean toward her and whispered, "I… uh, haven't told them. It's been a crazy month."
Kazuha could still hear a gentle shake in his voice. That was not the only reason, she knew it. "I figured as much."
"I'm still going to ask you," he whispered again.
"Don't," she hissed. "Let me do what I need to do."
"I was going to say the same thing."
"Don't ruin your opportunities, Heiji," Kazuha choked back her tense sob she was about to release. "Please?" Kazuha peered over Heiji's shoulder and spotted the Kudos and Sonoko approaching them. She walked past him to greet their friends; all while Heiji's eyes followed her.
"Ahou," he muttered to himself. "I can't…"
--
The days without classes seemed to bore Heiji. There was the occasional case for him to solve but the week after graduation seemed to tick-tock slowly.
And then he got a phone call. The only thing he remembered were the words "Kazuha" and "hospital."
Heiji bolted out the front door, hopped on his bike and tore through the streets.
He ran up four flights of stairs before seeing Toyama-san sitting on a chair in front of a room, her name scrawled above the room number. "Occhan," Heiji panted between tired breaths. "Is she…?"
Toyama-san looked up from his cup of coffee. "The bus she was on was in an accident. She only suffered minor injuries. Fractured rib. Sprained arm."
"And… the baby?"
Toyama-san shook his head, covering his eyes with his hand. Heiji felt the adrenaline that was pumping through his veins drop to the floor.
Their baby was gone.
At first, he did not feel anything. Numbly staring at her name, he tried to adjust to the news.
Their baby was gone.
It couldn't be true, he wanted to cry out. But the way Toyama-san sat, hiding his tears, his face torn in sadness… Anger. Pain. Grief. Sorrow. And somewhere in his cloud of hurt, Kazuha popped in his thoughts. Oh god, how did she feel? Heiji reached out and opened the door, catching sight of her lying on a white bed, head elevated with pillows. She turned to him with glassy eyes and blotchy pink cheeks.
"Heiji…" and immediately, the tears began. She tried to sit up but soon hunched over in pain, a hand to her injured side.
"Careful, ahou!" Heiji was beside her in an instant.
She reached out to his shirt and pulled him in closer. "The baby… it's gone. I'm so sorry," the tears flowed freely and she shook, allowing the loss, grief and guilt to consume her. "I'm so sorry I lost it. I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"
"Ahou!" Heiji exclaimed as he gathered her in his arms, holding her gently enough not to cause her pain. "Why are you apol—It's not your fault!"
"I'm sorry…" she continued. Like a mantra, a prayer, she mumbled her apology in his shirt. He sat beside her and kept her arms around her, not saying a word, but just holding her. Kazuha curled up against him, his shirt catching her tears, feeling the new hollowness inside of her.
--
It was harder to speak to each other as the days passed. Kazuha wandered around the house in a glassy-eyed daze. She had to occupy herself with chores and work to keep herself from weeping.
Heiji was relatively the same. He would spend long hours at the police station, reading over recent case files just to keep his mind occupied.
Two months ago, fatherhood filled his thoughts. And just when he got used to the idea, and actually started looking forward to it, the powers that be had other plans. They ripped him of the opportunity, ripping the child from Kazuha and him. He never anticipated the hurt to be this strong, this mind-numbing to almost unbearable. Still, he had to continue on, if not for his own sake, then for Kazuha's sake. That stupid girl, he frowned, who was willing to put the world on her thin shoulders just so he could walk with a spring in his step. There was no doubt that she loved him and he wanted to be there for her during this time. God knows how much they both needed comfort and happiness during this time of tragedy… But he did not know how to comfort her. Heiji was not sure he was the man to do it. Because even though they started out as friends, he was not sure they could return to that, considering the happenings of the past year. With or without her presence, Kazuha made him feel anxious, calm, strong, weak, confident, apprehensive… he could not precisely formulate it in words. It consumed him entirely; all he knew was that it was warm, bright, and different from how he ever felt before. It was awakened months ago and he did not know what to do with it. All he knew was that this feeling would not allow them return to their adolescence. The man to be there for Kazuha should be the man to love her and take care of her… give her new hope…
Heiji was not that man. That alone was so… unsettling to him.
Heiji's deep thoughts were screeched to a halt when Otaki-han called his cell phone, asking for help. Heiji left the police station in a hurry, leaving files all over his father's desk.
When he arrived at the scene, he absorbed all the details. A man, Tanaka Yasuo, was killed in his apartment. The suspects were his girlfriend, Yamamoto Emiko, her older sister, Yamamoto Michiko and his roommate, Watanabe Masakazu. After sifting through the apartment, gathering all the info like a sponge, he found his very sad conclusion. And he gave his deduction, surrounded by the usually amazed police force and disbelieving suspects.
"It's true," Michiko finally sighed, facing her sister. "He dumped me and went straight to dating you. He was my best friend and I loved him. When we were dating, I was so happy. But he dumped me so quickly," Michiko clenched her teeth and her cheeks blotched in anger. "So, his cruel heart continued by dating you!"
"No!" Emiko gasped. "You're wrong! He cared for you, Nee-san. He and I spent so much time together but… I'm not you!"
"Liar!" Michiko screamed.
"It's true," Heiji handed to her a book wrapped closed with a thin leather lace. "He was your friend but started going out with you because you two got along so well. However, something went wrong and he left you. In his diary," he gestured to the book when she took it, "he wrote about how confused he was. That maybe he was attracted to girls similar to you, Yamamoto-han. That's why he dated your sister: to test that theory."
"Don't you get it, Nee-san?" Emiko held her sister's arm tightly. "He was in love with you but he didn't realize it! He fell in love with his best friend but he didn't know how to handle it!"
And as Heiji watched Michiko crumple to the floor in a sobbing mess, something in his conscience clicked. Like curtains being pulled back to reveal dawn, Hattori Heiji finally understood.
Otaki-han called Heiji when he ran out of the apartment, but it was fruitless. Heiji, opened to his newly acknowledged feelings, hopped on his bike and sped down the expressway.
So that's what it is, he realized with a grin. God, I'm stupid.
The hum of his motorcycle mixed with his laughter all the way to the Toyama residence.
When he arrived at her doorstep, he knocked hard. Twice. Three times. The door opened and there Kazuha stood, dressed in a sleeveless turtleneck, and a knee-length skirt. "Oh, Heiji," she noticed him at the door as she slipped on a pair of sandals. She swung a purse over her right shoulder as she closed the door behind her. "I was just on my way out to buy more work clothes. You can come… well, if you want. I doubt it thou--."
"Marry me," Heiji blurted without thought.
Kazuha paused. "What?"
"Marry me, I said!" He could hear his own heartbeat thumping hard in his ears.
Kazuha narrowed her eyes. "This again? You don't have to marry me, all right? Besides…" she bit her lip momentarily, digging for some of her inner strength to continue, "…there's… we're not having a child anymore."
"Not now," Heiji responded, "but we're gonna have one later. One… ten-thousand, whatever, just marry me."
That pulled Kazuha out of her near sour mood. "But… why?"
Heiji could feel his own limbs shaking. "Because that's what people do when they're in love, that's why!"
"Did you…" Kazuha blinked a couple of times before she continued. "Did you just say…?"
It was then that Heiji finally realized how unprepared he was. He was positive Kudo had a speech prepared for Nee-chan since he was fifteen but Heiji was different. All he knew was that he had to be with Kazuha or everything would be hell. So, Heiji took a deep breath and opened his mouth, letting the words spill out. "Look, I know I'm not romantic or whatever and go figure I would get my feelings for you when I'm on a case, but it's there alright? Yeah, I love you and I have for a long time and it's so frickin' strong that it could possibly kill me and I didn't even realize what the heck it was but now I understand and I've put you through hell and I'm really sorry so I'll make it up to you but I can't do that unless you marry me!" Heiji took a deep breath, replenishing his oxygen supply.
And Kazuha stared at him with the oddest expression. Her eyebrow twitched noticeably, staring at him as if he grew two extra heads. It was also quite possible she was about to deck him in the face. Heiji had to backtrack his words. None of it made any sense, he realized, and saying all of it in one breath did not help matters either. After a long, deep, thoughtful moment, he opened up his heart. "It took me a while but I know now. It's been you, Kazuha. It's always been you. From back when we were kids to…" he shrugged, arms swatting the air, gesturing forward motion with his hands, "… to however long I'll live, there's not gonna be anyone else."
Her expression changed before him to wide, wondering eyes that seemed to look right through him. And still, she had not said a direct answer.
Heiji's shoulders fell in defeat. "Nevermind, you need to go to the mall, right? We'll talk later," he solemnly turned his back.
His movement managed to pull her out of her temporary stupor. "H… Heiji?"
"Maybe I should have gotten a ring," he muttered to himself as he continued towards his bike.
"Heiji?" she called louder.
"A ring would've made my message more direct."
"Heiji!"
"And if I had a ring, there's no way she'd say no, right?"
"HEIJI!!"
Before he knew it, a blow to the head interrupted his soliloquy. He turned around and saw a beige sandal lying at his feet. He picked it up, all while cradling his head. "AHOU! You could have decapitated me with your heel!"
"You're the ahou! Are you deaf? I've been calling you!" Kazuha stood, hands at her hips like a queen, one leg bent, foot off the ground while balancing on her other sandaled foot.
"You didn't have to pitch this at me!"
"If I didn't, you wouldn't hear what I want to say!"
His heart skipped a beat. "Which is?" he swallowed.
"So long as our theme is white and mint green."
Silence… more silence. "Huh?" Heiji breathed.
It was then that he noticed Kazuha had tears in her eyes. She tried to keep eye contact and composure but a single tear made its way down her right cheek. "Every wedding has a color theme."
Heiji drank her answer in after a few seconds. Soon, he began to laugh and she followed suit, all while covering her mouth and nose, the tears breaking through and running down her cheeks. He closed the distance between them with a few steps and wrapped his arms around her, her sandal still in his hand. Heiji leaned forward and kissed Kazuha, kissed her with all the happiness he had and all the passion he possessed. In one quick motion, he pulled back, hoisted her up in his arms bridal-style and spun around in circles. They twirled in her front yard as they were surrounded in the autumn air, their joined laughter filling their sky.
--
And all the roads that lead to you were winding I said maybe
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
...fin.
----
Notes: Some references, research, etc.
"Nakama": In case you didn't know, it's the word for companions that are really close, like family.
Osaka U/Criminal Justice/Police training: I have no idea if they offer a Criminal Justice program at that school. I know they offer a law program, but I couldn't find a school that specializes in Criminal Justice, since technically you don't need a college degree in order to become a cop in Japan. If you become a cop right after high school, you have to take one year of basic training and then basic beat jobs, like traffic and the like. Those who graduate from college need only six months of basic training. It's easier to move up in rank when you're a college graduate and especially if you can collect recommendations.
Baby Conan: Like many fic writers, Shinichi and Ran's first child is a boy named Kudo Conan. To me, I feel as if both parents would like the name. Although Shinichi's reason is because he's such a freakin' fanboy, Conan (Shinichi's form) was always like Ran's little guardian angel. I would think she developed a soft spot for that name.
"Summa cum laude": Graduating college with highest honor. In the grading system of America, it's a GPA that's 3.9+. I wouldn't imagine Heiji as valedictorian, but pretty darn close.
"One... ten-thousand, whatever, just marry me.": In Japanese, the numbers would be translated as "Ichi... Ichi-man...". I used a number that started with "ichi" instead of one-hundred, which is "hyaku" or one-thousand, which is "sen".
This was first posted on the LJ community "manycases1truth". Also there is an extra scene, detailing "the night" of Heiji/Kaz. Call it whatever you want, but the rating is R for non-graphic naughtiness and not for young children, thank you! Any way, if you're interested, it's here at: community. livejournal. com/ manycases1truth/ 188632.html# cutid1 (No spaces, of course).