It was a normal day at the clubroom of the SOS Brigade. Well, no day is a normal day when it comes to Haruhi Suzumiya. What does the 'SOS' in SOS Brigade stand for? I don't remember. I think it stands for 'Spreading Excitement All Over the World with Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade' but it would be more accurate to call us the 'Slaves Of Suzumiya'. And I never knew that 'Brigade' meant 'a five man band that you would find in a cartoon' before. That's right. There are five of us. Let me introduce you.

Haruhi Suzumiya, that beautiful girl with the yellow ribbon in her brown hair may look harmless, but somehow she has the power to warp reality without even realizing it. It's a subconscious rather than a conscious ability, which means that she has no control or even awareness of what she can do.

According to Koizumi, the parameters of her created realities are bound only by her desires and her beliefs. He then smiles as if that explanation really explained anything. Itsuki Koizumi is that tall slender bishōnen with the plastic smile who's sitting across the table losing at chess to me. Don't tell Haruhi, but he's really an esper who's part of secret group of fellow psychics dedicated to making sure that Haruhi doesn't destroy the world by accident.

That girl sitting in the corner reading a book? The one with the short hair and the slender, childlike body? Her name's Yuki Nagato. She's an artificial alien lifeform sent here by an incredibly powerful super intelligence she calls the Data Overmind. Her explanations are way above me and just about every human on the planet. That's right. You can't tell Haruhi about her either. If Haruhi knew that aliens exist the world would be filled with more extraterrestrials than a Star Trek convention. Trust me on this.

Oh, you want to know who the redhead in the maid's outfit is. That's Mikuru Asahina, and she's in the grade ahead of us although you'd never know because she's so cute that she acts like a little girl. But little girls don't have chests like she does do they? Don't look at me like that. I'm a teenage boy. According to our Health classes, at my age a guy is the horniest he'll be in his life. I always behave myself, okay? Get off my back.

Oh, sorry. You want to know what her story is. She's from the future. I've met her future self, and she's going to grow up from a beautiful girl into a beautiful woman. I'm just glad that her future self seems so well adjusted. With all the horrible things that Haruhi does to her, I can only guess that in the future we'll have psychotherapy that will be able to cure anything that bothers us. And you can't tell Haruhi about her either. Currently the only thing keeping the world even halfway normal is Haruhi's nonbelief in the fantastic and supernatural.

And me? You want to know what I do? Or what I am? Well, don't tell anybody, but secretly I'm really a superhero whose alter ego works for the Daily Planet. Not buyin' it, huh? That's okay. The truth is that I'm exactly what I look like: An ordinary high school student. No I haven't been bitten by a radioactive spider, but I figure that if I stick around these guys it'll be just a matter of time.

Today Haruhi was glued to the computer watching cartoons nonstop. Yes, that's right. She has a computer capable of accessing just about any information available to the public and she's watching cartoons. I'm getting worried.

Hey Koizumi?

"Yes Kyon?" the boy sitting across the table smiled back.

Yes he called me 'Kyon'. Everybody calls me by that dumb nickname. I don't know why. I mean, my name's not that hard to pronounce. When I went back in time I called myself 'John Smith' but my real name's—

"What is it?" Koizumi asked me.

Do you think it's a good idea to let Haruhi watch so many cartoons? I mean, she's been watching marathons of Neon Genesis Evangelion and Batman: The Animated Series the entire weekend. I just think that it could warp her little mind, which could warp our little world, and undo everything that at least three major conspiracies are dedicated to doing, not to mention my life. Don't you think she should cut down on the cartoons? Just a little bit?

"Damn it Shinji!" Haruhi shouted at the image on Youtube. "Why don't you tell one of those girls you love her? You are such a wimp! Why can't you be more like Batman? You know who Batman is? James Bond as a superhero! His name is Wayne, Bruce Wayne… Why don't you take your martinis shaken not stirred you idiot! Don't you remember what those girls have done for you? What's wrong with your memory you moron?"

Koizumi glanced at the girl at the computer and giggled. "Seriously Kyon, do you really think that she would allow cartoons to affect her that much? She's much too level headed for that, and between you and me she has a bit of a short attention span. By next week she'll have forgotten all about cartoons and have moved on to something else. You act like she's going to turn the world into a film noir dystopia filled with giant robots that fight each other for no reason while a hero who's a combination of Batman and James Bond drives around in a cool car. Don't worry. It's highly unlikely that such a thing would happen."

Yeah Koizumi, I guess you're right. That's what I believed when I went to bed that evening anyway. I guess we all make mistakes.

Neither The Big O nor the Haruhi Suzumiya series of novels, comics, or cartoons are owned by the author. No profit can be made from this story in any way.

Big-H!

Big-H! Big-H! Big-H!

Big-H!

Big-H! Big-H! Big-H!

Cast in the name of Haruhi!

Student

Ye not the guilty!

Alien

We have come to terms!

Esper

Big-H!

Time Traveler

Big-H!

Big-H! Big-H! Big-H!

Big-H!

Big-H! Big-H! -H! -H! Big-H!

THE BIG H:

by Galaxy1001D

Act One: Kyon the Negotiator

My name is John Smith; I perform a necessary job here in the city of Amnesia. This city, Overmind City, is a city of Forgetfulness. One day three years ago, every human and every robot lost all memory of all events, everything that happened prior to that day. But humans are adaptable creatures, they make do and go on living. If they can figure out how to drive cars and harness electricity, they can make some kind of civilization.

I drove through the damaged city in a black 1959 Cadillac that looked like the Batmobile, but cooler. I made my way to the outskirts of town and drove into an abandoned airport and into a hanger where a bunch of guys parked their car near the opposite wall. I parked near the entrance of the hanger, leaving a great deal of distance between my car and the other vehicle.

You're probably wondering why I was wearing sunglasses when I got out of the car with a briefcase full of money. Well, now that the car across the hanger is shining it's headlights on me, you can see why.

Damn! Do you gotta use the brights Taniguchi?

"You the negotiator, Kyon?"

My name is John Smith.

"It's okay, guys, it's Kyon!" a boy my age announced to his henchmen. Taniguchi is known citywide as the rudest kidnapper in Overmind City. He always shines the headlights in a person's face and when receiving ransom money always keeps the case. He only kidnaps girls who score high in his personal scorecard of attractiveness. That means that every girl he holds for ransom is at least an 'A minus.' Now you know why I took the job.

"Okay, show me the money!" he called out.

I opened the case to reveal it was full of hundred dollar bills.

"That American money?" he asked me. "'Cause I don't accept yen!"

You did last time.

"And I got burned! Okay slide the case over here!"

First let me see the girl.

"Okay, bring her out." At his order, his henchman opened the back door to his car and pulled out a slender teenage girl whose light purple hair was styled short in a pageboy haircut. She wore a sailor styled school uniform. Her skin appeared deathly white in the shadowy hangar. Her eyes were obscured by her oversized eyeglasses.

Okay, here comes the case! I pushed the suitcase forward with my foot. It slid about a foot forward before falling over. Grunting, I righted it and tried again. It went six inches before falling over again. Swearing under my breath, I finally picked it up and carried it over to them.

"Thank-QUE!" Taniguchi smiled as he took the case.

Hey Taniguchi, you must be slipping. There's no way this girl even rates an A minus on your scorecard of total hotness.

The girl took off her glasses and stared at me with uncaring golden eyes. She may have had a slender, underdeveloped body, but she had smooth creamy skin, fine features and the detached expression of a professional supermodel.

Wow! I stand corrected, Taniguchi! This girl has really got something!

"Thanks," he smirked. "Bye, Kyon. See you at school."

Hey, aren't you going to leave me the case?

"Nope," he said as he and his men got into the car and started the engine. "My uncle owns a suitcase store. This kidnapping thing is just to keep suitcases in demand. See you."

Are you sure you should be in the driver's seat? You don't have a driver's license yet. You only have a permit.

"I just kidnapped and ransomed a girl. You really think I care about driving without a license?" With the remark, he put the car in 'drive' and drove right through the rear wall of the hanger. Now I know why he has to kidnap girls for the ransom. Otherwise there's no way he could pay for the damages to his dad's car.

Don't worry Miss Nagato. Only the bills in the front were hundreds. The rest was just one dollar bills. Why else do you think I goaded him into keeping the case? They don't call me Overmind City's top negotiator for nothing. By the way, why did the job come from the Data Overmind Company anyway? I would have expected your family to hire me.

"I'm an android," she told me.

Well, in that case there was no point bringing these breath mints. I was hoping for an additional reward if you catch my drift, but I guess I'll just take you home.

"You are a louse John Smith."

Holy crap! Did I say that out loud just now?

On a desk filled with hourglasses a phone rings. Kyon's hand picks up the receiver and Koizumi's voice whispers:

Next: Mikuru, Mikuru.