Disclaimer: This is embarassing... I've had this account for years and this is my first fanfic. Ever. I'm an attention whore so leave lots of reviews. Don't read it if you can't take character bashing. I love the characters in Naruto (well, most), but I also love bashing them as well; so I couldn't resist doing it in a crackfic.

((Yaoi hinted. I don't own Naruto, Kishimoto does. Blah blah blah, you know the drill.))

To The Rescue

Chapter 1

Somewhere in a rock in rural Japan lived the most depressed ninja ever. Uchiha Sasuke was his name, a confused boy of 15 who was in denial of his hot, steamy passion love for his brother. His troubled soul was tormented from the memories of his criminal brother and his hometown, a fragile village so insignificant that its symbol was a leaf. Sasuke was such an asshole that all he did everyday was sleep and whine about how much he sucked. Despite all his whining and complaining, he contradicted himself by having a huge ego.

There was nothing really original about his appearance: his hair was black and strangely resembled a chicken head. Like everyone else with black hair in the anime ninja world, his skin was pale and flawless. His only wardrobe was a white bath robe accessorized with a rope, all treated with children's tears. He took pride in his ability to woo any woman with his eloquent grunt of "hn." Sasuke wasn't always this much of a loser though. Legend had it that at the tender age of 12, he had already risen to porn stardom, frequently featuring in Rated 18+ Doujinshi's and fan fictions. But on one particular day, everything had changed.

Sasuke still remembered the fated day he met Orochimaru, also known as bigtool4u in teen chat rooms. Orochimaru was a misunderstood pedophile who just happened to have a fetish for troubled youth. Nobody acknowledged the good side of him; he always paid his bills on time and made annual donations to the "Toubled Youth Foundation". He was, however, the infamous leader of a dynamic harem of troubled teens: purple-lipped Siamese twins, some sort of a boner guy, and a chick who looked like a man. Orochimaru and his dorky servant were in Konoha to renew their suscriptions to Cosmopolitan when they first met Sasuke. At that time, Sasuke was busy pondering why he was so shitty and why he only had one outfit. Their destined meeting had been all very lame and important:

"Come with me and I will make all your wishes come true!"

"Only if you let me wear a bath robe and a rope?"

"Er, sure why not."

Orochimaru then immediately scouted Sasuke to his entourage. Sasuke seemed so angsty and emotionally troubled that Orochimaru instantly found himself attracted to the red-eyed wonder. It was love at first sight and vomit inducing. The disappearance of Konoha's Adonis was so devestating to the village that Tsunade had to take a vacation from all the mourning. However, during her vacation, her boobs accidently fell into a puddle of radioactive waste, which caused them become Super Boobs that took control over Tsunade's brain. While Konoha was facing bankruptcy (since Sasuke's disappearance, tourists stopped paying money to watch some SasuNaru action), Sasuke felt accomplished and special under Orochimaru's care.

Three years had gone by and Sasuke had managed to survive his nightly ritual of cutting himself. Orochimaru was bored with Sasuke and had already developed a new interest. Every once in a while, he would log onto and read the amazing stories of Mary Sue and her divine accomplishments. Mary could control all the elements in the universe using her godly psychokinetic abilities; she was also the owner and creator of the internet and the Solar System. Despite her success, she had a humble beginning. Her tragic past always involved the deaths of her abusive parents and siblings, followed by an epiphany where her royal lineage and divine powers are revealed. She could sing in the 7th octave and had the ability to make everyone fall in love with her. She could have sex with anyone without protection: her immune system was so superb that she was immune to STDs.

She knew the meaning of life and was the savior of 5 different dimensions. She could even go Super Saiyajin without growing the horrendous spiky hair of doom. Her soul was the reincarnation of 5 powerful deities that the laws of physics did not apply to her. Her hobbies included shielding diseased orphans from the rain with her bare hands and single handedly defending an Amazon village from an army of termites with a piece of twig. Orochimaru creamed his panties everytime he read about her that he eventually decided to ditch Sasuke, have hot seks with Mary, and make lots of babies. His only problem was Sasuke, whom he wanted to get rid of right away; playing Grab-ass with Sasuke was getting tiresome anyways.

"COME HERE SLAVE!" Orochimaru spat at Kabuto, his bespectacled servant who was very popular since he was very attractive. Okay, that was a lie. He was a servant though, kissing Orochimaru's ass to earn money for cricket lessons. However, the stress of trying to please his master had caused him to grow gray hair prematurely.

"Oh, master has graciously spoken to me!" Kabuto began his daily ritual of showering his master with roses and accolades.

"Damn. Why do you suck shit so much?"

"I eat so much shit everyday, so I am shitty. Get it? L-O-L." Kabuto tried to impress his master by using "hip" AOL language.

Orochimaru simply ignored the imbecile and scratched his balls. "Just get Tsunade's boobs on the phone."

After an hour of heated debate over Dogs VS Cats with Tsunade's boobs, Orochimaru finally managed to convinced them to take Sasuke back to Konoha. Tsunade's boobs hastily came up with a plan and team for the mission of retrieving Sasuke. Tsunade's boobs were at first reluctant to send Naruto on a mission that involved Orochimaru: Naruto suffered from Split Personality and Bipolar Disorder, heavenly combination for becoming an angsty emo teen, a classic favorite of Orochimaru. Unfortunately, Rock Lee, the only other ninja with self-esteem low enough to go on such a shitty mission, was preoccupied with a Dojo that the producers of Naruto had forced him to make for the filler episodes.

Tsunade's boobs eventually assembled a team of Naruto, some girl, a penis painter and an evil clone. Not waiting a day, the team immediately set out on their exciting journey to retrieve Sasuke. Sasuke, unaware of all this, slept like the lazyass he was, not knowing what tomorrow will bring.