AN: Just a little humor one shot-HG/HP, not a romance. This is the longest story I've ever written...I'm proud :)
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Harry Potter, wherefore art thou Harry Potter? Not in my possession, that's for sure.
No one fucks with Hermione Granger. That's rule number three at Hogwarts. Rule Number One: Don't go in the Forbidden Forest. Rule Number Two: Don't get out of bed after hours. Rule Number Three: If you mess with Hermione Jane Granger, you're asking for death.
Now Harry Potter, Boy Number One in the Golden Trio always liked Hermione. She was smart, brave, honest, caring, and loyal. He didn't like her like that...no, he liked her like in a "We'll be best friends forever" kind of way. But lately, Hermione bugged the hell out of him.
"Haaaarry, why didn't you do your potions assignment yet?"
"Haaaarry, you can't go to Hogsmeade this weekend!"
"Haaaarry, don't eat that or you'll get out of shape for Quidditch!"
Her constant nagging made him want to point a gun directly between her eyes and go fire happy. And then laugh about it.
And unfortunately, she was just as bad today, if not worse.
And Harry knew this, before she even reached him at the Gryffindor table, the way she stormed in the Great Hall, purposefully making her long chocolate brown hair sway violently-the way she stomped her feet one in front of the other, military style at a very fast pace-and the way she had her head held high, nose pointing skyward in a way that said 'Move bitches, or feel my wrath.'
Harry tried to ignore her as she threw herself on the bench beside him. Everyone else (Neville, Ron, Ginny, and Lavender) started to make conversations amongst eachother, ignoring Hermione. Since poor Harry was the fifth wheel, he had no one to talk to. He was the victim today.
"Ahem."
Harry casually scratched his head, shoving forkfuls of scrambled egg into his mouth, pretending she wasn't there. Hermione cleared her throat, and again made an "Ahem" sound, only 100 decibels louder than the first time. Harry turned his head towards her and smiled slightly, as if just realizing she was there. Then he went:
"EloErmioneAn'tEallyAlkI'mAting."
Hermione's honey eyes narrowed. Shit.
As fast as you can say Avada, Hermione's small but forceful hand shot out, grabbing Harry's cheeks. She squeezed. "Swallow."
The force of the motion made Harry's eggs fall down his throat anyway.
"Harry," she started in a false-sugary voice. "Didn't I tell you?"
"Ell Me Hat?" Harry couldn't really speak, his lips were being pursed together by the Head Girl's hand. She noticed this and let go, pushing his face away with a little shove motion. He reached up to nurse his sore cheeks, but she slapped his hand down. Harry only now noticed everyone else at the table was staring. They knew he was going to get it. Bad.
"Tell me what?"
She huffed, and while reaching in her satchel she hissed, "I told you not to copy off my homework."
"What?"
"Don't play innocent with me, Potter." Ouch. She pulled out an ink splattered piece of parchment. "Look familiar?"
Harry swallowed. Oh Jesus Christ. He remembered the whole incident the day before clearly:
It was Sunday, and Harry just realized an essay was due in Potions tomorrow. Harry didn't panic, he always put off homework until the last minute, then copied off Hermione. It was a neat little system really, it gave Harry more time for more important things, like Quidditch.
But, Harry remembered instantly, Hermione was full on Satan this year. She was always snappy, probably because she signed up for advanced classes during this seventh year, and with Head Duties, she really had a lot on her plate. Harry knew she had a right to be stressed, but not bitchy. But bitchy she was. She forbade anyone from copying her homework. She said something about how "It will do you good if you do your own homework." Harry thought she could sympathize, after all, he was Quidditch Captain, and he signed up for two advanced classes-Defense Against the Dark Arts and Divination. So, Hermione left to go to (where else?) the library. (Harry I'll be right back, don't touch any of my stuff. There will be consequences if you do). Harry noticed her Potions essay was sitting nice and neat on the Gryffindor Common Room table, and hey, Harry knew it would be the ultimate sin to go and make a copy of her essay, so he could copy it as his own later, but he knew he couldn't write a whole essay in one night. Casually looking around, he made sure no one else was in the Common Room. Then quickly and efficiently, he ran over to her perfect essay and muttered a copying spell he had read in one of Hermione's Encyclopedia on all Spells. After a minute, the copying spell took it's effect and Harry took the copy and tucked it in his robes. Then, without warning, the entrance to the common room slammed shut. Harry didn't know if that was Hermione who had returned, but he knew he had to get away fast before anyone saw him. He hastily picked up his wand off the desk, only to see his retreating hand knock over Hermione's ink bottle. As if in slow motion, the black liquid flew out the spout, gracefully soaring before landing with a splatter on Hermione's parchment, then pool out, practically covering all the neat words she wrote. Harry's eyes bulged out in terror, and he flicked the parchment off the table so it landed face down on the floor, so that no ink could be seen, and hoped Hermione wouldn't pick it up until tomorrow, when he could think of a good excuse. Then he heard voices getting closer, so on pure adrenaline, he ran to his bunk and stayed there all night, locking the door behind him, and frantically making up the dumbest excuses as to why Hermione's essay was ruined.
And now he was in deep shit. A thousand excuses ran through his brain. They were all preposterous, but he had to say something. The silence was unbearable. No one talked for a good five minutes, and in that time Harry memorized every ink curve as Hermione held her ruined parchment in his face.
"Sorry?"
"You're sorry?"
"Yes?"
"YOU'RE SORRY?"
Meek Harry just about shrunk. Please, he begged, just let the floor open up and swallow me whole.
"THREE FEET OF PARCHMENT ABOUT HOW A MOONWORM ADDS TO THE EFFECTS OF VERITASERUM, AN ESSAY I SPENT A MONTH ON-RUINED, AND YOU'RE SORRY?"
"Terribly?"
She looked ready to explode. Nostrils flaring, chest heaving, red face. You could've put horns on her head and a pitchfork in her hands and she would've been a spitting image of Satan himself.
"Hermione," Poor Harry said weakly, "Just use a cleaning spell-"
"NO!"
"Scourgify."
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Another horrifying moment for Harry Potter. Not only did the ink spill on the parchment disappear, the words and months work disappeared as well.
"HOLY SHIT! NO! HARRY JAMES POTTER YOU ARE A DEAD MAN! I COULD'VE SALVAGED SOME OF THIS ESSAY BEFORE, BUT NOW ITS 100 PERCENT RUINED!"
Shit. Harry knew what was coming next. Crucio, Avada Kedavra, some horrible curse.
But.
She laughed.
Loud.
If everyone wasn't looking when she was screaming, they were now.
"Harry...?"
Harry was truly scared as hell. "Yes?"
"Did anyone ever tell you that you were bad in the sack?"
The question totally threw him off. "Um, what?"
"Did anyone ever tell you that you were bad in the sack?"
"No...?"
"Oh." Then she started packing up her things. What the hell?
"Pardon Hermione?"
She stood up, and then looked down on him. "I told you there would be consequences if you copied my homework."
"Yes, and?"
"And I put a spell on my homework yesterday."
"And?" Harry didn't want to know what awful spell she had put over her homework, but for the concern of his safety, he asked.
"And the spell I used just made your libido drop severely, and there was probably some more bad sexual side-effects...but I just can't remember them."
Harry's mouth dropped. "Excuse me?"
She started to walk away. "So if no one has told you that you were bad in the sack yet, just wait until you have sex, because each and every time your partner will say 'Harry Potter, you are terrible in the sack.' I can guarantee that." She smiled evilly and sauntered off.
So if there's one thing you need to know: Do not fuck with Hermione Granger, it may just cost you your ability to have children.
AN: Haha. Ok, review, tell me whatcha think. Please. If you're gonna flame, do it gently. Lol :)