Disclaimer: I don't own The OC or its characters etc.

Summary: the Cohens+1 in the aftermath of Marissa's death

Sandy moved slowly around the kitchen, the noisy thoughts in his head balanced against the silence of the house. Half-drunken mugs of coffee scattered the island, cold and abandoned. Across the yard, he could see a dim light from the pool house.

Ryan.

He had hardly spoken since they had picked him up from the hospital. They had gone through the motions - Kirsten had dealt with the doctors while Sandy had dealt with the police. Ryan was going to be fine, Kirsten had told him. Battered and bruised and suffering from concussion. Lucky not to have any broken bones or internal injuries.

Lucky not to be dead.

He had disappeared into the poolhouse as soon as they had arrived home. They had agreed to let him be alone for now, cautious not to smother him, knowing it would only cause him to retreat further into himself. There would be time tomorrow to talk. Sandy didn't think he had any words of comfort right now anyway. What was there left to say?

If he closed his eyes, Sandy could still see Julie's heartbroken face and hear her cries of pain as Kirsten broke the news to her. Her face had turned a ghostly white, a sharp contrast to her deep red hair. It had taken a while for the tears to come but when they did, they wouldn't stop. He had watched as Neil held her, trembling in his arms, whispering words of cold comfort. Nothing he said could make it any easier for her. No words could ease the pain of losing a child.

Sandy shook his head, banishing those thoughts from his mind. He left the empty kitchen and wandered through the house which stood eerily quiet. The buzz of graduation day had gone and he was left with a stony silence which echoed loudly in his ear. He entered the bedroom, expecting to find Kirsten and was surprised to find another empty room. He could see the ruffled sheets on the bed where she had once lay and the tear that had soaked into the pillow, but she wasn't there. He walked over to the window, staring out towards the poolhouse again. There was no sign of her outside and he guessed that if she wasn't with one son, she would be with the other.

He walked upstairs, quicker this time, avoiding the loneliness that filled the hallways and craving company. As he approached Seth's room, he saw the door slightly ajar. The room was dark, the only light coming from the light in the hallway, but he could see Kirsten's outline leaning against the wall. She turned her head as she heard him enter the room and he could see how sad and drawn she looked. He came up behind her, slipping his hand around her waist and kissing her temple softly. Kirsten closed her eyes, grateful for his comforting touch.

She looked back towards her sleeping son. Seth lay on top of the bed, still fully clothed, his curly hair tangled from the number of times he had run his hand through it. Summer was curled up in his arms, her cheeks pale and stained where the tears had flowed. She saw the way their hands gripped each other, holding on to each other, desperate for comfort. She slipped her hand into Sandy's, wanting the same comfort.

"I was just remembering when I was pregnant with Seth," Kirsten spoke softly so as not to wake the sleeping bodies. "You have this child growing inside of you and you know you have to protect him, and it's easier when you're carrying him. And then, all of a sudden he's born and he's a real person but you still have to protect him. How can you do that when you can't keep him with you every second of the day? They say you have to learn to trust your children, but what about everyone else?"

Sandy didn't speak. He didn't have answers to her questions. He knew that she didn't want them.

"She was just a child, Sandy. A child that Julie carried around inside of her, just like I carried Seth; a child that she wanted to protect, just like I want to protect Seth; a child that was a part of her, just like Seth was a part of me." Her voice became choked. "You know, even though you give birth to them and they become their own person, they're always a part of you; and losing her must be like losing a part of yourself. I can't imagine how that feels. I don't want to. I want to protect him forever."

Kirsten pushed back the tears that threatened to fall. It wasn't fair to cry – she wasn't the one who had lost her child, or her friend, or her first love. Sandy wrapped his tightly arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder and looking across the room towards his son. He could never understand the bond between mother and child, but he understood the bond between father and child. He thought about Jimmy, who had been waiting patiently for Marissa to arrive in Hawaii and had finally learnt the truth when he had called Julie to make sure she had got on the plane. The Cooper family had been broken before, but now they were truly shattered.

They stood in silence watching their sleeping son until Sandy tugged gently at Kirsten's hand.

"Come on, let's go."

Kirsten nodded. "Just a minute."

She crept over to the bed, running her hand softly over Seth's hair before bending down and leaving a kiss on his forehead. He didn't stir, but next to him Summer's eyes fluttered open. She stared up at Kirsten for a moment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep here…" she started.

Kirsten shook her head. "It's ok, sweetie. Try and get some sleep. We'll take you home in the morning."

Summer nodded. Kirsten paused, before leaning down again and leaving an identical kiss on Summer's forehead, lingering a little longer this time. She ran her finger over Summer's cheek lightly and Summer smiled gratefully. Kirsten offered a small smile in return before following Sandy out of the room. Her hand reached for his again.

"Any sign of Ryan?" she asked. She already knew what the answer would be and wasn't surprised when Sandy shook his head. She sighed, wishing she knew what to do to make it just a little easier for him.

They wandered downstairs and Sandy started to lead them to the bedroom, weary after such a long night. Kirsten stopped, looking longingly across the yard.

"Kirsten…" Sandy knew what she was thinking.

"I just want to see him," Kirsten argued. She needed to see him, to make sure that he was ok. She knew he wouldn't be – she knew he was destroyed by Marissa's death; but she couldn't rest easy without seeing him.

Sandy relented, knowing he couldn't win this argument, and he nodded, letting go of her hand. Kirsten made her way outside. The summer air was warm and sticky, but she shivered. She stopped outside the poolhouse, pressing her ear against the glass and listening for any sounds coming from inside. She heard nothing. She lifted her hand to knock but stopped herself. Asking for an invitation inside gave him the chance to say no. She opened the door slowly and stepped inside. It was dim inside, lit by only one of the lamps. She could see Ryan's shape sat on the edge of his bed, his back rigid and his head dropped.

He didn't hear her come in. Kirsten closed the door behind her and crossed the room towards him, sitting down beside him. She didn't say anything, instead reaching for his hand and holding it tightly in her own. Ryan didn't pull away. He was numb to everything around him and barely noticed that she was there.

"We're here for you, whenever you're ready," Kirsten said softly.

He continued to stare at the floor, without acknowledging her words. Kirsten didn't push him. She didn't know how long they were sat there in silence. Neither one of them moved. She didn't need to hear his voice telling him that he was hurt and broken inside, but she wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. She thought back to the previous summer, when she had been in rehab away from her family in the aftermath of the shooting. It was a guilt she still carried around with her and she was determined not to make the same mistake this time.

This time.

How much more could one boy go through?

Bringing Ryan into their family was supposed to give him a solid grounding, but it felt like life had been more turbulent than ever during the past three years. Beside her she felt him sigh and she looked up at him. She couldn't help but run her hand through his blonde hair. She heard him mumble something quietly.

"What?"

"She's gone."

"I know," Kirsten replied softly.

"She's dead."

It was a simple statement, but the words cut through her. She jumped as he moved suddenly, standing up and pacing the floor. His fists were clenched and she realised he was looking for a way to vent his frustration. She stood up cautiously, not knowing what to do. It scared her to see him so angry.

"Ryan, sweetheart," she started. She jumped when his fist hit the glass. "Oh my God, Ryan…"

Blood started to pour from his fist. Ryan stared at it. He couldn't feel the throbbing pain in his hand or the shards of glass imbedded in his skin. He saw the red blood seeping from his cuts and his mind flashed to Marissa's limp body in his arms, blood coming from the gash on her head, falling on to his hands and seeping into his clothes as he held her close.

Suddenly, Kirsten was by his side, wrapping his hand in a towel; covering the blood from sight. But the images were still imprinted in his mind and they always would be. She would always be dead, always be gone.

He finally let go. He looked up at Kirsten and let the tears spill from his eyes.

"She's dead," he repeated.

He fell to the floor, sobbing now as the realisation hit him. Kirsten fell next to him and he slumped against her. She wrapped her arms around him, rocking him slowly. Sandy appeared in the doorway, out of breath after racing across the yard. He had heard the glass smash from the bedroom. His eyes met Kirsten's and she nodded reassuringly. He moved towards them, kneeling on the floor next to them and joining the embrace. Ryan shook between them and they held him, together – a family unit. They all had to hold on to that. They couldn't let Ryan push them away, no matter how hard he tried, because no matter what biology said, they were his family. The Cohen's plus one.

They had survived everything else that had happened; they could survive this.

Marissa was gone, but life went on.