(I own nothing! Well… no… may be… I do have rights to Sasha and Naomi… and that crazy cow head.)
/ON WITH THE STORY!!!!!/
Reno was sitting at his desk reading the newspaper when it occurred to him that Rufus brought Dark Nation to work with him. How he knew, beats me. But the drooly newspaper and missing shoe might have a purpose.
Reno sat the newspaper down and sighed. He was thinking of what to do and it was bad. Reno thinking on his own was bad and the fact that Zack and Sephiroth weren't around made it worse, even if they were both as crazy and sadistic as Reno. They thought on the same path and acted like normal crazy homicidal maniacs should.
"Reno." Tseng said sitting up in his chair and watching the man. Reno looked at him. "No." Reno crossed his arms and huffed.
"Just a little?" Reno asked reaching in his pocket.
"No Reno. You need to do your paper work, not set it on fire. It has some what of a purpose." Tseng went back to playing with something under his desk. The man was weird and above that, Reno could always swear he was masturbating. The way he squinted his eyes, sweated, and let out a hard breath every once in awhile. Reno and Zack went searching through his desk one time finding nothing but paperclips, staples, and crazy glue. Why the man needed those were beyond them. They still wonder about it from time to time.
"May be I could get Hojo to do it again?" Reno thought out loud.
"Last time he dropped Jenova cells on it and it came to life talking about trees. You have no idea how many times we had to shoot those freaking hippies outside the building." Tseng said growling. "Damn slippery shit." Reno looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
"What are you doing?" Reno asked seeing the man sweating yet again.
"Working." Tseng replied. The door opened and Sephiroth stepped in holding the head of a cow.
"We killed it finally." Zack said stepping in. Tseng opened a drawer and put something in it closing the drawer slowly.
"Why did you kill a cow!?" Elena screamed walking in.
"This is a… cow?" Sephiroth asked poking it.
"No wonder it mooed!" Zack said snapping his fingers.
"Why?" Tseng asked.
"Hojo wanted us to clear his house of an experiment." Zack held up a picture of a monster. Reno looked at it.
"How did you confuse that with a cow?" Reno wondered handing the picture to Tseng and Elena.
"They both have spots!" Zack said jumping up and down.
"Sorry!" Sephiroth screamed raising his hands and smacking Zack in the face. Zack touched the spot. "Sorry!" Sephiroth smacked Zack again.
"I'll show you sorry!" Zack tackled Sephiroth and they rolled down the hallway. Elena shook her head.
"Turks please come down to the main desk." The intercom said. They all stood.
"To the Renomobile!" Reno yelled running to the elevator.
Reno pressed the button and it didn't glow. He pressed it again and again.
"Why isn't it working?" Elena asked.
"I don't know. It was fine this morning." Tseng said pressing the button.
"I won't work for you." Elena said shoving them out of the way. She pressed the button and it didn't glow.
"May be the bulb is just worn out." Tseng said pressing it again. Reno pushed it again.
"That's impossible. These never go out." Reno pushed it again.
"Let me try again." Elena pushed it once more.
"It hates us." Reno said. "Well, I'll hate you!" Reno punched the button and sparks flew. One of the elevators opened. "Ha!" Reno walked into it with Elena and Tseng. Tseng pushed the floor one button and the doors closed.
"At least these buttons work." Tseng looked at Elena.
"Or not." She said. Tseng looked at the number on top of the door.
"I didn't pick the 37th floor." Tseng said. The doors opened and people smiled beginning to walk in.
"No!" Elena closed the doors before more people could get on. She pressed the 1st floor again. It stopped at the 21st floor. "No!" She hit the 1st button again and it stopped at the 56th floor.
"Let me try." Reno shoved them aside and hit the 2nd floor button. It stopped at the 18th floor. He hit another button and another and another. They all stopped at different places. "I have an idea!" Reno hit all the buttons.
"Oh god save us." Tseng said.
60 floors later they got off at the 47th floor.
"May be we should just take the steps." Elena suggested.
"I guess." Tseng said. Reno ran over to the steps and opened the door.
"Come on!" He ran in and ran back out. "Experiment!" He tried to close the door and the experiment shoved its hand out. Reno slammed the door and cut off its hand. "A hand!" Reno held it up and it wrapped around his throat. Elena ran over ripped it off shooting it. She used three full clips.
"Think you shot it enough?" Tseng asked watching the hand. It twitched and Elena shot it again. Tseng jumped.
"No." Elena put her gun away and smiled.
"So, no steps. How are we going to get down?" Tseng started thinking. Reno walked off.
"I'm not sure. We could use the old fire escape but it's rusted and you might fall off." Elena said. Reno came back and handed them two bags. "What's this?"
"That guys was selling parachutes." Reno said pointing to the old man in the corner with parachutes selling sign.
"Hopefully we land close to the entrance." Elena said putting hers on and going over to the window. Tseng and Reno followed.
"Bonzai!" Reno yelled jumping off. Elena and Tseng followed.
"Where the hell are we?" Tseng asked.
"Not sure really. We landed on the plane and then jumped off after about five minutes so most likely Kalm." Elena replied. They looked around and Tseng shook his head.
"We're at the Northern Crater. We must've been on the plane longer than that." Tseng said.
"So does this mean?" Elena asked.
"Yes, we have to go down Gaia's Cliff." Tseng looked down at the ground way below them. Reno ran passed them and jumped off still wearing his parachute.
"Yay!" He screamed. Elena grabbed Tseng and they jumped off. Tseng screaming like a little girl the entire way down.
"Well, let's begin walking." Elena said walking passed a house and out into the blizzard. Elena stopped at a spring and touched it. "That's warm." She said watching Tseng smiled and pull his hands back and shoving towards Reno. Reno moved and Tseng lost his footing falling into the spring. Bad thing about it was, Tseng doesn't know how to swim.
"Come Tseng." Elena walked over to him watching the man fight. "Come on. Stop messing around." Tseng hit the water splashing profusely. Reno laughed. "What's so funny?"
"Tseng can't swim!" Reno yelled laughing and rolling on the ground. Elena looked back at the man in the water. She held out her hand and Tseng grabbed her hand pulling him in. Reno stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. "If only Rude hadn't called off work today." Elena looked at him.
"I thought you said he was seriously sick with food poisoning?" Elena asked. Reno covered his mouth.
"Oops." Reno said through his hands. Elena looked back at Tseng. Reno walked over and poked him with a stick. He shot up.
"Moo!" He yelled. Elena slapped him and he looked at her. "Moo?"
"I think he has that mad cow disease thingy." Reno said.
"Mad cow doesn't do that… does it?" Elena asked.
"Don't know. I've never had it." Reno said shrugging. Tseng stood up and grabbed some grass shoving it in his mouth and chewing.
"Moo." He said with grass hanging out of the side of his mouth. Elena sighed.
"Don't let Sephiroth and Zack find him. They'll most likely kill him." Reno picked up a rock and tossed it in the spring.
"Well let's go to the next area." Elena said walking. Tseng just stood there eating his grass. Elena sighed pulled out a leash.
"Where did you get that?" Reno asked swinging his stick around.
"I was walking Dark Nation earlier today." Elena put it around Tseng's neck and they started walking in to the next area. Elena looked around. "Where to go now?"
"This way!" Reno went to the closest path. Elena went with him dragging Tseng. He ran into a cave and Elena followed. "Look! A ghost!"
"I'm not a ghost! I'm the snow woman!" The woman said. She looked at Tseng. "He was in the filthy hot spring!"
"Please! He's gone mad!" Elena said.
"Cow!" Reno added. The snow woman looked at them.
"We've concluded he has the mad cow disease." Elena said.
"Moo." Tseng yelled chewing his grass still.
"Is doesn't do that! Right?" The snow woman asked. They shrugged. "Well, I can't help you but I can send you to Icicle inn if that helps."
"Thank you!" Reno said. The snow woman clapped her hands together.
"Freaky deaky poison poo ice and carrots makes me get loopy! Cheese, apples, music, oh a penny! Tara Reid with butter and dirt! Lindsey Lohan makes my pants wet and so does Paris Hilton! My uncle is a fag and my aunt a lesbian! Mother, father, and brother incest!" The snow woman smiled.
"We really didn't need to know any of that." Elena said face disgusted.
"Oh, well. I thought that spell would work. Oh crap." The snow woman looked at Reno who had black hair and a clown nose. "Let me try another." She rubbed her hands together.
"Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time! Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon! You come and go! You come and go! Stop! Hammer time! Stop! Corroborate and listen! Ice in back with a brand new mission! I've got a lovely bunch of cocoanuts! Give em' a twist a flick of the wrist! That's what the showman said!" The snow woman sighed.
"Moo?" Tseng questioned looking at Reno who now had a bright purple colored shirt.
"Let's try this again." The snow woman took in a deep breath. "Dukaduka! Hear me roar and give me cookies! Eat them and then send away the cat! Feed the dog to the crazy general at Icicle Inn!" The snow woman watched as Elena, Tseng, and Reno disappeared.
Reno smiled and looked at Elena and Tseng. Elena smiled.
"At least she sent us to Bone Village. It's a lot closer to home." Elena looked at Tseng. He was on his hands and knees eating grass.
"I wonder how that tastes?" Reno asked no one. He picked up some grass and stuffed it in his mouth chewing like Tseng. "This is good!" Elena sighed and then cringed when she heard a familiar voice.
"I said four! Not seven! Four! Learn how to count you imbecile!" Sephiroth pulled out masamune and stabbed the storeowner watching him fall to a bleeding heap.
"I gave you four sir." The owner said pointing to the Hi-Potions with the Bone Village sign.
"Oops. Sorry you are about to die." Sephiroth turned and saw Elena, Tseng, and Reno. "Hey!"
"Please let this be a dream. I'm back at home, in bed, sleeping and Dark Nation is beside me because Rufus is too dumb to remember to feed him. I'm dreaming." Elena closed her eyes and repeated those words.
"Elena?" Sephiroth asked poking her. Elena opened her eyes.
"Oh! Hey Sephiroth! I was umm… meditating!" Elena smiled and Sephiroth nodded.
"What's wrong with Tseng?" Sephiroth asked looking at the said man.
"We've diagnosed him with the mad cow disease." Elena hit Reno who nodded.
"Does mad cow do that?" Sephiroth asked.
"We don't know. It's the only explanation we can come up with." Reno picked up a stick and poked Sephiroth. "You're it! No tag backs!" Sephiroth poked Elena.
"I'm not playing and neither is Tseng. Can we just get off this island and get back to Midgar already? I'm dying to find out what exactly President Shin-Ra wants us to do." Elena climbed on the helicopter and pulled Tseng in. Reno and Sephiroth followed. "So, how do we drive this thing?" Sephiroth pressed the big red button and the helicopter lifted into the air. He shoved the control stick forward and it took off.
"Stop it! Give me the control!" Elena said fighting for it with Sephiroth. Sephiroth bit her and she drew her hand back. "Ouch you asshole!" Elena drew her fist back and punched him knocking him unconscious. She shoved him off the control stick and grabbed it looking forward. She sighed when she saw a mountain that was right in front of her.
Rufus stopped drawing on his paperwork long enough to notice how quite it was. He sat down his pen and stood looking out his open door. Dark Nation gave him a curious look and Rufus grabbed his stapler. Dark Nation just stared.
"You have teeth. I need this." Rufus said looking at his cat. Dark Nation laid his head back down continuing his nap. Rufus crept over to the door and looked both ways down the hallway cautiously stepping out. He took out a coin and filled it. He caught it his hand and sighed. "Why is it when I flip coin I always get tails? And why is it I always pick tails as to what I don't want to do?" Rufus took a right and slowly stepped down the hallway holding the stapler close to his chest. The lights began flickering as he reached the elevator. He took and step for it and the door opened.
"Ahhh!" Rufus screamed holding the stapler out and firing.
"Ow! Stop it!" Zack screamed getting bombarded with staples. Rufus stopped and looked at the man.
"Sorry." Rufus lowered his weapon. "What's going on around here?" Zack shrugged.
"Last I heard Hojo's experiments got loose and have been eating people." Zack looked at the stapler. "What is with the stapler?"
"I still don't know why my father just kills him off." Rufus shook his head.
"Me either. Now the stapler." Zack reached for it and Rufus stapled his hand. "Ouch." Zack withdrew his hand and took out the stapler.
"It's my weapon. Touch it and die." Rufus clicked the stapler and turned around.
"I think I should stick with you. It's weird walking around here without Sephiroth." Rufus looked at the man.
"Where is he anyways and the Turks for that matter?" Rufus asked.
"Sephiroth went Bone Village to get something and the Turks… they were called to the main lobby earlier today. Now that I think about it they never did show up." Rufus turned around and went back to his office with Zack. Rufus sat in his chair and grabbed his pen going back to drawing. Zack sat a chair and crossed his arms.
"Why are you here?" Rufus asked.
"I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid I might run into another freaky experiment. I've already killed two." Zack said smiling. Rufus looked at him.
"How?" Rufus asked sitting down his pen finding this more interesting.
"I found out they hate fruit. I offered them oranges and they ate it dying instantly." Zack pulled out an apple. "I saved than pretty woman on the 14th floor."
"She's gay." Rufus said leaning back.
"No she's not." Zack looked at Rufus.
"About 5'4", long black hair, dark blue eyes, beautiful smile." Rufus watched Zack's expression change.
"Who?" Zack leaned forward.
"Who else? Sasha." Rufus watched Dark Nation perk his head up and growl.
"The secretary?" Zack stood.
"Yep." Rufus watched his door slowly open. He grabbed the stapler and drew his arm back getting ready to throw it. He saw the two girls walk in and close the door locking it. He sat the stapler down letting out his breath.
"They're everywhere sir!" Sasha screamed waving her arms around. "They almost killed Naomi!" Sasha smacked Naomi on the head and Naomi glared at her. "Sorry."
"What exactly are they?" Rufus asked.
"Clones." Naomi held up a picture. "Of Scarlet, Heidigger, Palmer, and Reeve. There are ten of each and they hate fruit."
"How do you know all this?" Zack stood.
"I 'accidentally' stumbled into Hojo's files on my computer. I always knew he was into beastiality." Naomi handed Zack the disk and walked over to Dark Nation petting him. Dark Nation began purring and rolled over. Zack gave the disk to Rufus and he put it in his computer. A video popped up.
"Oh God! Turn it off Rufus! Turn it off!" Zack screamed turning away from the computer. Rufus turned around.
"I can't! I can't look at the computer!" Rufus hit the keyboard trying to stop it. Sasha looked at it.
"Is she- is it…. Is that a black chocobo?" Sasha asked watching it with curiosity. She grabbed the mouse and closed it opening another video. "Hey! That's Sephiroth!" Everyone looked at the screen.
"All the things she said! All the things she said! Running through my head! Running through my head! Running through my head!" Sephiroth sang in the shower while washing his hair with mako.
"Sephiroth is a fruit!" Zack yelled laughing along with Rufus.
"I love that song!" Sasha yelled closing it and picking another video. They looked at it.
"Huh." They turned their heads sideways. "Oh!" They leaned forward. "Oh."
"I never knew dogs could do that." Zack closed the video and clicked a picture. "Alright!" Zack smiled looking at the picture of two girls kissing. Sasha grabbed Naomi's hand. There was a knock at the door. Zack stood up and opened it. "Hey Scarlet!" Scarlet looked at him foaming from the mouth. Rufus tossed his stapler watching it collide with Scarlet's head. She stumbled back into the hallways and Zack slammed the door shut locking it again.
I will post another chapter as soon as school slows down. My grades aren't doing so good. Any ideas are welcome.
Thanks for reading!
Frank: I have an idea!
Kailani: No. Last time you killed my cat. Thank you for reading!
Frank: What about my poodle?