Turning Page
Part 1 – From The Ground Up
Castiel, it seemed, loved tea more than anything. His entire kitchen was full of it, from relatively normal black and green tea to strange blends like Crème Brulee, Indian Spice, and Turkish Apple. They were scattered around the kitchen in small boxes and pots varying in shape, size and colour; most with dazzling painted patterns. Cups, saucers and glasses decorated all the available shelf space. Sam had spent hours in Castiel's kitchen documenting all the different kinds of tea he had, taking pictures and writing them in his crumbling notebook. This was easy, because Castiel was a habitual creature and went about his week the same way as all the weeks before. Every Sunday he, reluctantly, went to church with his family, allowing Sam access to his apartment.
Other than tea, Castiel owned little else. There was a small, but modern TV in the living room that was hooked up to Netflix and a few books scattered around, underneath old mugs and various knick-knacks. His room was just as dreary with nothing but a double bed and a dresser.
Castiel took up very little space in the world, you could walk right by him without realising he was there. He drew away as if he were nothing more than a shadow in the background, silent and uneasy. On more than one occasion, his family had forgotten to take him with them when they visited relatives. Castiel didn't mind so much, not that he disliked people, it was just obvious that people tended to dislike him and he opted to be alone rather than be an annoyance.
But Sam had noticed him. He was in his last year of a law degree when he had bumped into Castiel, just outside of a small library on the outskirts of San Francisco. Literally bumped into, he hadn't seen him standing there and just walked right into him, knocking the poor man to the ground. Everything had changed for Sam when he lifted the man from the ground and looked into his eyes of sky blue. His priorities shifted immediately from making a career to Castiel in a second, and nothing would ever be the same again. Castiel barely remembered the event, or Sam – he apologised and moved on as if he hadn't just completely altered a person's life forever.
Sam jumped in surprise when his phone buzzed in his pocket, he was afraid that every time he broke into Castiel's apartment he would get caught. The text was from his brother, Dean "hey, thinking 'bout showing up in MA nxt week, you mind?" Sam groaned aloud, not looking forward to Dean's visit but knowing there was no way he could refuse. "yeah, cool. Lisa coming?" Sam sincerely hoped Lisa wasn't coming, she had the annoying habit of trying to set him up with her unmarried friends because apparently it didn't matter if they lived states apart. "nah, shes taking ben to see her folks" Dean answered. Sam smiled, mildly disappointed he wasn't going to see his step-nephew Ben, but considerably happier that he wouldn't have to deal with Dean's annoying wife.
Checking the time, he sighed, realising he would have to leave now or risk having Castiel walk in on him snooping around the apartment. Quickly he made sure the apartment looked exactly the same way it did when he entered it and left hurriedly, hoping to avoid the mid-afternoon traffic. Not that there was much traffic in the small city, especially when compared to San Francisco, Lynn Massachusetts was a world apart. Not somewhere he ever would have considered moving to until he found out it was where Castiel lived. In the three years since he moved to Lynn he had become one of the most successful lawyers in their biggest law firm. There wasn't a lot of competition or a particularly high crime rate so, for the most part, Sam found his job reasonably easy.
⁂
Castiel sighed with relief as he entered his apartment. He had only spent 3 and a half hours with his family and they'd managed to give him a pounding headache. Returning to his apartment on Sundays always gave him a feeling of relief and dread. Dread because somehow the place felt different when he returned, there was a faint scent of a cologne he didn't wear and the place always looked tidier than when he had left. But worst case scenario it was a really neat ghost - any other kind of ghost would probably have just killed him by now. Especially because Castiel didn't have any money or valuables worth stealing by regular thieves.
It was easy enough to brush off with a cup of hot tea and a season marathon of House, although that show had lost some of its appeal since the asexuality episode. For Castiel, it wasn't easy to hear one of his favourite characters tell him he was invalid. It had been 3 years since he had begun to identify as asexual, not out loud to anyone, but he thought of himself as asexual now. He was still bombarded with uncomfortable questions about missing girlfriends and the assumption he was being celibate until marriage. Often he considered just becoming a priest where he wouldn't be questioned, but was put off by the communal living. Although he had always liked the idea of someone to live with, someone to share his small apartment with and sit with while they drank tea, chatting about books and movies. But he'd never been good at friends. Other times he wanted someone to snuggle with, and share kisses and hold hands but that was a hopeless idea; those things only came with sex.
Watermark
Sam watched Castiel from across the café. He could barely contain how proud he was, Castiel finally trained to be a proper barista and had earned himself a raise. Before he had simply taken orders, but his boss, and friend Charlie, finally convinced him to learn more. The café was called Moondoor, and had appropriate medieval décor, from a full suit of armour to thick old-timey mugs. Sam had long since decided that Charlie was an amazingly good influence on Castiel. She pushed him to make his life happier without invading his personal space. She was acceptable.
Sam was waiting for Dean, they were meeting for breakfast. Six months had passed since the last time he saw his brother and he was kind of reluctant to see him now. It's not as if they didn't get along, in fact, other than Castiel, Dean was the only person Sam had a connection with, but even still he found that Dean often got in the way of him spending time with Castiel.
"Hey Sammy," Dean said cheerfully, suddenly tugging Sam up out of his seat and into a tight hug.
Sam sighed heavily, pulling away with a smile, "It's Sam," he corrected, fully aware that he was wasting his time in doing so.
"Whatever," Dean dismissed, taking a seat, "waitress came over yet? It's been a long drive and I sure am hungry."
It was then Castiel approached their table cautiously, "Good morning, would you like to hear the specials?"
"Nah, we'll just have -"
"We'll hear the specials," Sam said, interrupting Dean.
"Oh, okay. So, this morning we have eggs, bacon and sausages or a cappuccino and a short stack of pancakes for five dollars each," he said, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other. Jared smiled proudly at him, trying to be encouraging.
"Wow yeah, I'll take the eggs and bacon thing," said Dean, "sounds nice. I also wanna order a black coffee, no sugar."
Sam waited until Castiel had finished scrawling his order onto the small notepad before he spoke, "I'll have the pancakes and a cappuccino, thanks."
"Maple syrup or sugar?" Castiel asked, blushing with the realisation he didn't present those options beforehand.
"Maple syrup," Sam smiled kindly.
Castiel nodded and quickly rushed back to the counter. As soon as Castiel was out of earshot, Dean was grinning at Sam manically. "You like him," he accused in a whisper.
Sam frowned at him, "Shut up," he said, knowing there was no way he would be able to deny it.
Dean laughed loudly, embarrassing Sam. "That's why you wanted to eat breakfast here, you have a boyfriend!" he teased.
"Dean!" Sam hissed, "shut up, okay? He's not my boyfriend, leave it alone."
Dean continued to smirk at him smugly, "Lisa sure is gonna be disappointed, she had a real nice girl lined up for you – Amelia, I think her name was."
"And I guess she lives in Illinois, like you. I can't date someone half a country away," Sam frowned.
"Then move to Rockford, or Chicago at least" Dean insisted, "you have absolutely no reason to stay here, we're your only family, you should be with us."
"Is that what your visit is about? You want me to move?" Sam sighed, furrowing his brows, "I just want to be a little independent."
"This is the first time I've seen you in seven months. You've been like this ever since you came back from Stanford; Dad always said college would mess with your mind," Dean spat angrily.
Sam was half tempted to fight with him, but knew all too well meeting his brother's anger with anger never worked. "Why do you have to mention him?" Sam asked quietly, looking away from Dean.
Dean melted immediately, "Shit, I'm sorry Sammy, I didn't mean to. We don't need to fight, let's just enjoy our breakfast."
It worked every time, because as bad as Dean had it with their father, Sam always had it worse. The two boys struggled with juggling his alcoholism and paranoia while avoiding the punishment of his fist. Now whenever Dean looked at Sam there was always that tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him that it was his fault – and sometimes Sam used this to his advantage.
⁂
Castiel sat alone at the bus top, focusing on his phone so much he hardly noticed when a strange man sidled up to him. "Whatcha playing?" he asked casually, seemingly not that interested.
"Um, I… Candy Crush," Castiel mumbled.
"Cool," the guy grinned at him. "Hey, don't you work at that weird café? Oh, I'm Brady, by the way," he said extending his hand.
Castiel shook hesitantly, "I'm Castiel, and yeah I do. It's called Moondoor."
"That's a weird name," Brady frowned, "I mean your name."
"It's an angel," Castiel explained, "my parents are… enthusiastic about these things."
Brady laughed, and Castiel enjoyed the sound of it. "They could have gone with something more subtle, like, I don't know, Michael."
Castiel smiled, happy someone was paying some attention to him. "That name was already taken, I have many siblings."
There would have been more to say, but Castiel's bus pulled up in front of him. Brady said goodbye cheerily and Castiel just blushed. He was surprised and overwhelmingly happy about the small conversation; Brady had actually seemed interested in his name and his family, in him altogether. Without even thinking about it, he texted Charlie, not something he had ever done before even though she suggested it several times "I met a cute guy ;)" was all he said, far too happy to not tell someone about it.
Turning Page
Brady… liked the sound of his own voice. Not a quality Castiel liked in a person, but he never really met that many people so perhaps he could look passed it. He was leaning in, pressed against him, trying to be impressive.
"You're very pretty," Bardy commented, his voice thick with the scent of whiskey. Castiel regretted agreeing to come up to his apartment with him.
"Thank you," Castiel said quietly, leaning away from him.
Brady's hand rested heavily on Castiel's thigh, in itself the action wasn't completely negative but Brady's remarks to sex were. Castiel hadn't told him yet, he had been meaning to but he just didn't have the effort. He was so tired of explaining himself over and over again with people still not quite getting it. Everything about Brady was becoming too much, he kept speaking quietly so Castiel was forced to lean in to hear him, he touched inappropriately and talked lavishly about his sexual adventures.
Brady gave small laugh, kissing him forcefully. Castiel stilled in surprise, reluctantly opening his mouth to Brady's invading tongue. He was trying to think quickly about an escape route; his apartment was across the city and he didn't have the money for a taxi.
"You should stay over," Brady suggested heavily, "too late to head back now."
Castiel's stomach flipped, "I… Charlie, um, Charlie is expecting me. I mean, she is picking me up."
Brady frowned, pulling Castiel closer to him, "But I want you to stay," he protested, "Charlie's a little freak anyway, you know you could get a way better job; just come here."
Castiel pushed away from him, managing to stand up, "Charlie's great, don't talk about her like that," he said angrily, "I'm just gonna go."
Brady stood up, blocking his exit, "You're just being a prude," he accused, "I know you'd like me fucking you." He grabbed Castiel's arms and squeezed tightly, pulling the smaller man to his chest and giving him a rough kiss.
"No," Castiel objected, pushing him away, "stop it Brady, I said I'm leaving."
Frustrated, Brady struck him backhanded across the face. Castiel felt the pain in blotches across his cheek and nose, desperately trying to stop the tears brimming his eyes from falling.
"You're not leaving, "Brady insisted violently ripping open Castiel's dress shirt, "you're staying right here."
Castiel nodded softly, appeasing him for a moment, just long enough for Brady's grip to loosen before he kicked him as hard as he could in the ankle and fled. Brady was struggling in his drunken state to get up of the ground and Castiel made his way out the door safely.
The night air was cold, Castiel idly wondered how late it had gotten as he ran around the corner. Stopping to catch his breath and button his broken shirt he went to check the time on his phone, only to discover he didn't have it. That was something that would stay on the floor of Brady's apartment forever.
He wandered along the street, hoping he was headed in the right direction, with any luck he would stumble along a McDonald's with someone able to lend him a phone or Gabriel would be driving along and find him, of course either way he was going to have to explain what happened to someone and he really didn't want to do that.
Sam wanted desperately to get Castiel in his car immediately. He had spent the better part of the evening parked across the road from Brady's apartment, feeling worse with every passing hour. Sam knew that Castiel wasn't interested in sex but he also knew that Castiel was very gentle and could probably be 'persuaded' to by Brady. Then, when Castiel came running out of the building, Sam panicked completely. He waited a full five minutes before starting his car, knowing if he came too Castiel's rescue too soon it would be weird.
He found Castiel quickly, after going up a few streets; he was wandering cautiously, holding his arms across his torso and shivering. Sam pulled up beside him, heart hammering in his chest. "Excuse me," he said politely after rolling down the window, "are you okay?"
Castiel looked alarmed, "I, um, yeah, which street is this?"
"This is Ashland Street, where do you need to be?" Sam asked, focusing on sounding hyper concerned, so Castiel would believe he was being genuine.
"Oh, like, Fay Street," Castiel said nervously, clutching his shirt uselessly.
"Really? I'm headed that way now, do you need a ride?" Sam asked, "I promise not to kidnap you."
Castiel smiled, "No, it's okay, just point me in the right direction and I should be okay."
Sam bit his lip, trying to think of a way he could get Castiel in his car without being creepily insistent about it. "Oh, but it's cold, and… hey what's wrong with your shirt?" he asked, suddenly distressed at the large rip down the centre.
"Oh, um…" Castiel mumbled looking down at the torn material, "I had a, uh, bad date."
Sam frowned, "Please at least let me give you a ride home, if you get murdered I will feel guilty."
Castiel nodded, knowing he wasn't really in a position to deny help, "Alright, thank you."
Sam leaned over and opened the car door for Castiel to get in; much happier than any normal person would be. He also reached in the back for a thick woollen jumper and handed it to the man. "Thank you," Castiel said earnestly, slipping it over his lean body quickly.
"I'm Sam," he said, "do you need to call someone?"
Castiel shook his head, "I, uh, lost my phone; but there's no one I need to call."
All Through The Night
Sam lay awake, ignoring the early morning light peeking through the curtains, thoughts focused on Castiel. He had never been so close to him for so long, close enough to reach out and touch, to comfort his pale body. It had taken a lot for him not to lean over and kiss him goodnight, he had wanted to kiss him.
Brady had probably kissed him.
On the one hand he was happy that Castiel wouldn't be spending any more time with that asshole, but he felt bad it had ended so disastrously. Brady had left him alone to wander the streets at night without any way of getting home, after trying to… Sam frowned to himself – Brady shouldn't be able to get away with that.
A loud knock on his door quickly distracted him, "You wanna go get breakfast at that place again?" came Dean's voice from behind the door.
"Sure," Sam called back, he sounded tired even to his own ears.
A brief shower and an hour deciding on what to wear later, they were in Moondoor and Sam's eyes were searching for his damsel in distress. But Castiel was nowhere to be seen, and he could do nothing but glare stressfully at the door, hoping Castiel would walk through it.
Dean huffed, "What is it? Don't tell me it's because your boyfriend is missing."
"Shut up, I like him," Sam defended, eyes still frantically searching for Castiel.
"You've never even met him," Dean argued.
"I have," Sam admitted, briefly meeting Dean's eyes, "last night, I found him on the street and drove him home."
Dean raised an eyebrow, "Well Sammy, that sounds like a wicked first date."
"It's Sam," Sam corrected in annoyance, as a familiar red-head by the name of Charlie approached their table.
"Heya, what can I get you guys today?" she asked with a broad smile.
Dean prissied himself, getting ready for some of his 'harmless' flirting Sam was confident Lisa did not consider so harmless. "I dunno, sweetheart," he said, voice dropping an octave, "I'm sure nothing could taste as good as you," accompanied by a wink.
Charlie openly frowned at him, "Ew, no, that's my line asshole – don't flirt with me until you grow a pair of tits."
Sam chuckled, "He'll have the greasiest thing on the menu, with a black coffee" he told Charlie, "I'll have a bagel and, make it two coffees. Also…" Sam paused, almost reluctant to ask, after spending so many years pretending he didn't know or care about Castiel, "is Castiel off sick or something? He's here every morning."
"Oh, uh, I'm not sure actually," she sounded very worried, "have you been in contact? He's not answering his phone."
Sam shook his head, "He lost his phone last night… maybe I'll go check on him after breakfast?" he wanted Charlie's approval, to arrive at Castiel's house with her concern rather than his own.
Charlie smiled with appreciation, "That would be great."
As she left, Dean gave him a grin, "Finding excuses to go visit him again, slick move Sammy."
Sam scolded him, "Shut up, I'm concerned."
"You're in loooove."
⁂
An hour later he was standing outside of Castiel's apartment, barely able to bring himself to knock. After five years of staying hidden from Castiel, the prospect of suddenly becoming a part of his life was terrifying. What if Castiel didn't love him back? What could he possibly do? Although he was oblivious to it, Castiel had become the only thing that matters. He sighed to himself and gave three loud knock of the door.
After a minute the door was slowly opened by a very distressed-looking Castiel. "Sam?" he croaked, clearing his throat. "What are you doing here?"
Sam looked at the red puffiness around Castiel's eyes, "We, uh, we were worried. Charlie was worried… Are you okay?"
Castiel cringed guiltily, "Oh God, I forgot about work. I'm fine… Do you want some tea?"
"Yes," Sam answered eagerly, and a little too quickly.
Sam looked around Castiel's apartment as if it was the first time he had ever seen it; and there really was a difference in knowing he was allowed to be here. When Castiel offered him tea, he laughed at his collection and pretended to having trouble deciding what kind. He chose Indian Spice because he knew that Castiel was fond of it
"You've been crying?" Sam questioned, leaning over the bench and watching Castiel prepare the tea.
Castiel shrugged, "I had a fight with my parents."
Sam hated them immediately. "Over what?" he tried to sound empathetic and curious rather than annoyed and scornful.
"Brady, mostly… the bad date," Castiel sighed, "…sorry, I'm only being dramatic. I've never gotten along very well with my parents, they're very straight-laced."
Acting purely on instinct, he swung passed the bench and pulled the very-alarmed-looking Castiel into a tight hug. "You're not being dramatic," he promised quietly, "never hide how you're feeling."
Castiel hugged back awkwardly, finding it difficult to manoeuvre his arms in Sam's crushing hold, "Um, thank you Sam."
Sam reluctantly pulled back, keeping both hands on Castiel's shoulder's, he couldn't help but relish in the touches he was finally able to give him; "tell me everything."
Castiel nodded with compliance, believing for the first time in a long time that someone might actually want to listen to him.
Dear True Love
Six hours and about six hundred cups of tea later, Sam was sitting on the floor between Castiel's knees having his hair gently brushed. "So you've never had sex?" Sam asked, already knowing the answer.
"No, I haven't been interested," Castiel explained, "I can't have sex with girls, because I can't… I think I'd need a little blue pill for that one. Although I would have had sex with Brady eventually, I guess, if we were dating for longer and he wanted to."
Sam frowned, "Why don't you just be with someone who's asexual?" This was something he didn't know, and could never figure out. There were dating sites specifically for asexual people, they lived in a reasonably large city, and yet Castiel had spent so long by himself.
"I guess I never saw the point, or it was too scary. I think sex can make people looks passed flaws in their relationship, I never thought I'd make a good boyfriend but maybe I could try."
"You'd make a great boyfriend, get a guy with long hair because you really know how to work a brush," Sam grinned.
Castiel chuckled, "Okay. What about you? What's your deal?"
"There hasn't been a deal for a long time. Guys most of the time, but my brother and his wife are forever trying to set me up with her friends."
"And you're reluctant?"
"I'm… busy," Sam lied, "I work as a lawyer, so things can get pretty stressful. I just haven't had time for the whole dating thing."
"But you don't have trouble?" Castiel asked, "Finding people attractive, I mean?"
"I guess I'm extremely monogamous. There's one person at a time, and that person is everything…" It's you, you're everything.
Castiel was glad Sam couldn't see his face, perhaps he would have seen the deep blush. It was unfair that he was so kind and charming; more unfair that they could never be in a relationship together, Sam was so perfect. As he let the silky hair glide through his fingers, he imagined Sam holding him and kissing him gently on rainy Sunday mornings in their bed.
"Do you want me to braid it?"
Sam sighed, as much as he loved Castiel's hands in his hair, he couldn't, "No… I probably have to go home, my brother's probably pissed at me."
"Oh," Castiel tried not to sound too deflated, "okay."
"Will you be working tomorrow?" Sam asked as he stood up, giving Castiel a regretful look, "Dean's leaving, and I guess we'll be having breakfast."
"Yeah, I'm sure Charlie will forgive me."
⁂
This was so unfair, he had only been looking for a spare change of underwear after neglecting to wash any of his. Sam was about his size, and rifling through his drawers seemed only natural. At first he thought it was just some porn – a little weird that Sam hadn't gone digital yet, but still pretty normal. Except it wasn't normal and it wasn't porn; it was Castiel. Under blindingly obvious false panelling there were pictures of Castiel, some taken of him in his apartment, others of him getting into cars, walking down the street, coming out of church, everything! Some looked older, years older.
Dean felt his stomach drop in the knowledge that Sam was with Castiel now, and the other night did Sam follow him? Did Sam seriously follow him? He had said he was going out for… something; something mundane and not really necessary for the evening but Dean hadn't questioned it, because why would Sam lie?
Sighing to himself, he crumbled onto the floor, mind turning, figuring out exactly how to approach this. How long has Sam had his 'little crush'?
⁂
Castiel spent the whole morning waiting for Sam and his brother to walk through the door. He knew that is brief captivation with Brady was likely the result of the loneliness that had been building inside of him for years. Charlie forgave him quickly for his absence and threatened Brady's life – but Castiel was far more interested in telling her about Sam and what he had done.
"He was there for hours Charlie, I can't remember the last time I spent that long talking to someone."
"Sounds like he has a bit of a thing for you, Cas," Charlie warned.
Castiel frowned, trying to decide if he liked the idea of Sam having 'a thing' for him. He shook his head, "People don't tend to see me that way after they know I'm…" broken.
"Not interested," Charlie supplied.
"Yeah, that. I'm sure any ideas he had about me are totally different now."
Charlie whacked the coffee machine harshly, attempting to get it to work before turning back to Castiel. "You sound a little disappointed, maybe you're the one who has a thing for him."
"He's very beautiful," Castiel admitted.
"I thought you didn't think about people like that?"
Castiel sighed, "I want to kiss him, not fuck him. I can tell when someone is beautiful."
Charlie's eyes went comically wide and she shushed him quickly, "Your knight in shining armour is here," she giggled, gesturing towards the door.
Sure enough, he found Sam' eyes on him, coupled with a sheepish grin as he and his brother made their way to sit down. With one approving look from Charlie, he was at their table in record time.
"Hey Sam!" he greeted cheerfully, unable to contain his bliss.
Sam grinned sheepishly back at him, "Hi Castiel, uh, this is my brother Dean."
Dean smiled up at him, and then back at Sam with deep concern. "Uh, hi," Castiel said sheepishly.
Sam gave Dean a pointed look, before turning his attention back to Castiel, "We'll have our usuals. How are you?"
"I'm good, Charlie is forgiving. I'll be back in a minute."
As soon as he was out of earshot, Sam glared at Dean, "What the fuck was that?" he demanded angrily, "Too cool to say 'hi'?"
"We need to talk," Dean growled back, heatedly.
"About what?" huffed Sam.
"About how fucking creepy you are, Sam!"
Sam swallowed, fearing the worst.
"I found fucking pictures Sam, pictures!"
"You shouldn't have been going through my stuff," Sam argued weakly.
Dean laughed, "You shouldn't be fucking stalking people. Sam, what the hell are you doing? Tell me you know how fucked up this is. You shouldn't be here."
They were interrupted briefly by Castiel, who had the good sense to simply put down their breakfast and leave, sensing tension between the brothers.
"I love him, Dean."
"You barely know him. How many times have you ever spoken to him? Every time he serves you breakfast…? What's wrong with you?"
"Don't you think I want to be normal?" Sam hissed, trying to keep his voice low and away from prying ears.
"Is it because of Dad?" Dean asked ominously, "All that time researching monsters that don't exist? Feeding his paranoia, did he do this?"
"Of course it's his fault, Dean. Everything is his fault, but that hardly matters now. There's nothing you can do about me, not anymore – you know I would never hurt Castiel."
"I don't know that. I thought I did, but this is so freaky Sam. Listen, I can't leave, not now, unless I was taking you with me…"
"I'm not going with you!"
"Fine," then I'm staying.
Tethered
In his drunken state, Castiel found himself captivated by Sam's hair even more than usual, it was wonderfully soft. Castiel had stopped them many times so he could reach up and stroke Sam's hair. After a while, Sam gave up and decided to piggy-back Cas all the way home with the smaller Cas playing and sniffing at his locks.
"You're so weird when you're drunk," Sam told him as they got home. Castiel only giggled at him, sluggishly making his way towards the kettle, with the full intention of making tea. "Seriously?" Sam remarked, pulling his hands back, "No boiling water for you, I'll make the tea."
Castiel groaned, giving up immediately. "I bet you make shit tea," he said as he wandered into the lounge room.
"I'm sorry," Sam chuckled.
Castiel shook his head, "It's okay, you have stunning hair." Castiel proceeded to flop face first into the couch, struggling for a moment to kick off his boots only to give up with a deep sigh.
While the kettle was boiling, Sam kept his eyes on Castiel. His shirt was hitched up, revealing the pale skin of his belly. It was attractive – Castiel was attractive. Castiel's eyes were fucking gorgeous, the perfect shade of blue. And his laugh was especially divine, though he rarely laughed. All Sam wanted was to feel the small brush of Castiel's stubble as he kissed those neglected lips.
It was something he would not dare mention. After Brady it was unlikely that Castiel would ever actually want to date anyone again. So Sam couldn't say anything, could never put Castiel in a position that would make him uncomfortable. For now he allowed himself to look at the small piece of naked flesh Castiel revealed. He allowed himself to imagine himself with Castiel, kissing, touching… fucking. But Castiel could never know. And Dean had set his boundaries; he would stay around until he was sure things between them were safe, whatever that meant.
Sam would not force himself on Castiel, but be a friend for him, a strong friend who would never hurt him with careless words and be there as a shoulder for him to cry on, to love him unconditionally and make him tea when he was drunk.
"Peach tea!" Castiel demanded from his slumbered state, snapping Sam away from his thoughts.
Sam chuckled, "I know, I know. Geez, you're bossy."
"You're the one that got me drunk," Castiel said, words muffled into the pillow beneath him.
Sam smiled fondly, "You had, like, four beers."
"Full strength beers," Castiel countered defensively.
Sam smirked, gently carrying the tea over to him – surprised and amused to find that by the time he got there, Castiel was snoring lightly. Putting the tea aside, he gently whispered to him, "Hey Cas." Castiel groaned in response, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. Sam chuckled, swooping Castiel's semi-unconscious body into his arms and taking him to bed.
⁂
Castiel awoke to the smell of alcohol and the feel of a warm body beside him. For one reason or another Sam was next to him in his bed. Sam was dead to the world, low snores erupted from his throat, and he wasn't going anywhere. Castiel groaned and rolled away from him, only Sam rolled in sync and flopped an arm over him, practically cuddling. Sam was incredibly heavy, which wasn't actually surprising considering how muscular he was, but Castiel was nearly suffocated underneath his unconscious body.
"Sam," he whispered weakly, squirming beneath him.
Sam groaned, "nmm Castiel."
"I'm kinda dying here, mind getting off?"
Sam lifted most of his body off, swinging the other way but bringing Castiel with him so he was sleeping on top of Sam rather than the other way around. Sam held him close, content to drift off to sleep again with the man he loved in his arms. Castiel stayed awake, eyes wide open as he focused on Sam's heart beating in his chest. They were so close, it was strange, comforting and completely overwhelming all at once.
The alcohol had worn off, and Castiel's head was beginning to ache with his oncoming hangover, but he really couldn't care less because Sam was holding him like he was precious.
Castiel lay in Sam's arms for hours, until the sunlight began creeping across his bedroom floor. It was then that Sam began to stir, pressing his face in Castiel's hair and making cute sleeping noises. Castiel chuckled gently, making a mental note to tease Sam endlessly about it later. When suddenly Sam's hips shifted, and Castiel suddenly felt his hardness against him. Oh shit! Sam had a boner. Castiel began to panic, unsure of what he should do. It was likely Sam would be embarrassed when he woke up; or worse, he wouldn't be embarrassed and instead begin to kiss and touch his body.
Gently, he pushed against Sam's chest trying to get out of the bed. Unfortunately, this stirred Sam into opening his eyes blearily and muttering a slow good morning, pulling Castiel right back against him.
After a minute, Sam pushed away from him abruptly, as if he just realised the situation. "I gotta piss," he excused quickly, tumbling out of the bed and rushing to the bathroom.
Castiel sighed in relief, trying to calm himself. Of course Sam didn't mean anything by it, this was just something that happens to lots of men in the morning – Sam had no desire to kiss him or touch him; why did that seem almost disappointing?
On his bedside table, Sam's phone buzzed insistently. A message from Dean, thinking Sam wouldn't mind, Castiel opened the phone to check it, discovering there were actually several messages from Dean. "where the fck r u!" "dont say castiels place" "youre fucking creepy" and most recently, "better not have hurt him." Hurt him? As in Sam hurting him?
Carefully, he placed the phone down in the exact same position; trying not to think about Dean's words too much. He could have meant making sure there wasn't too much drinking going on, and that's why he was also pissed that Sam was too drunk to go home. But Dean didn't have any reason to care if he got too drunk, he didn't have any reason to care about him at all. It was obvious that Dean's biggest concern was Sam… and making sure Sam didn't do something he would regret.
In The Embers
Sam groaned to himself, erection hard in his boxers; there was a strange mix of arousal and deep shame; he cursed himself, barely able to believe he had forced Castiel into that position. There is no way that Castiel didn't notice, he was probably freaking out in the next room – trying not to be entirely repulsed by Sam. He wanted to rush back in there and apologize, but he could feel Castiel's warmth all over his body and his erection was not relenting any time soon.
Meanwhile Castiel was in the kitchen, finding a full cup of cold peach tea he vaguely remembered asking Sam to make him. "I'm going to take a shower," he heard Sam call out from the bathroom. Castiel didn't bother responding, knowing that their interaction would probably be embarrassing for him. He was more focused on the messages Dean sent and what they could mean; so much so his dull hangover was barely noticeable.
Part of him wanted to message Charlie for her input, but he didn't even know Charlie that well and she could get freaked out by his forwardness. He wanted to call Dean and ask him what the hell he was talking about. He wanted to call his brother Gabriel and have a real, proper conversation that consisted of something other than talk of family and the weather. Instead he started making tea, something so small and simple to master it had become something of a crutch he had come to develop.
Sam emerged from the shower looking gorgeous. He had neglected to button his shirt up and his tan muscular chest was all Castiel could look at. He considered, for a moment, how bad it would really be – sex with Sam. Would it be worth it? Sam looked so strong, and Castiel really wanted to be held by him. But sex was just so far from anything he desired, could he do it for Sam? After all, last night they had gone out drinking, was that supposed to be a date? It didn't really feel like a date, although Sam had insisted on buying every one of his, admittedly limited number, of drinks.
"Hey, uh, sorry about this morning," Sam said with a blush, prompting Castiel to look up from his chest, "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."
Castiel forced a smile, "It's okay. Do you want tea?"
"Sure." Sam said, very relieved that Castiel really didn't seem to mind so much and they could both just let the matter slide. Sam quickly went back into Castiel's bedroom to grab his phone and discover some pretty angry texts from Dean. "I'll be outside for a moment, I need to call my brother," he said to Castiel quickly, before stepping into the hall way of his apartment.
"You said you would be two hours!" Dean accused angrily as soon as he answered the phone, "Two hours, Sam! How did that turn into you spending the night!?"
"I didn't touch him, I promise," Sam insisted, not strictly true, but oh well. "I walked him home, and was too drunk to drive home myself, okay?"
"I would have come to get you."
Sam's lips pressed into a hard line, "You're being difficult."
"Well, you're being a freak," Dean retaliated, "Come. Home. Now. I think we need to have another talk about setting boundaries; this whole getting to know him thing is about discovering you can't fall in love with people on a whim."
"Give me an hour…"
"You've got 45 minutes," Dean said briskly, before hanging up.
On the other side of the door, Castiel jumped back in the realisation their conversation had ended. He was frustrated not being able to hear Dean's side, but it was Sam's words that swum in his mind "I didn't touch him, I promise" Why would Dean want Sam to promise that? Why would Sam even wat to touch or hurt him? He needed to know.
⁂
Charlie's apartment was exactly how he imagined it to be. Every spare inch of space was occupied with nerdy merchandise. Some of it he recognised some of it was so obscure, he wondered how many fans could really be out there. He didn't have much time to explore, before Charlie was pulling at him insistently.
"You've met him before!" she exclaimed, dragging him to the computer. "In California, ran into each other outside of a library."
"Really?" He'd only been to California once, for a holiday, at the insistence of his family.
Charlie grinned at him, green eyes lit with excitement. "Yeah, but there's so much more. Cas, I think he followed you here! He was going to join a big law firm in Chicago, but dropped it to come here, for no reason anyone could ever figure out; I think it's because he met you."
Castiel's heart dropped, "But we… don't talk, what?"
Charlie's expression softened, "I don't think he's that dangerous, just really strange."
"Explain," Castiel managed to choke out.
"Okay, his dad's ex-military, served in the Vietnam War… he basically came back with undiagnosed PTSD. He wife died in a house fire when Sam was a baby and he didn't handle it well, to say the least. He thought it was more than an accident, and spent the rest of his life looking for the killer."
"That's awful," Castiel whispered.
"Yeah," Charlie agreed, "even more so, because now he has four-year-old Dean and little baby Sam along for the ride. They grew up in motel rooms, Sam was registered at over 40 different schools, and that's after he finally started going to school; how he got that scholarship to Stanford I will never know. Anyway, I think with you it was just him not knowing what else to do. As a kid he got into trouble for hacking restricted files and identity theft – it was easier for him to stalk you than to talk to you, he's been stalking people all his life."
"So… he has been stalking me?" Castiel squeaked.
"Pretty solidly, for like 3 years," Charlie explained, "I can track him, tracking you. He probably followed you everywhere, I mean, he was at Brady's? That incident makes me think he didn't really mean for you to know who he was."
Castiel shakily found the nearest chair, "3 years," he repeated in disbelief, "and he slept in my bed last night."
"Woah," Charlie gasped, "you didn't tell me that!"
Castiel shook his head, "Nothing happened, you know I don't… Wait, does he know? Does he know I'm asexual? I mean, I told him, but did he know before that?"
"Probably…"
"Why? Why would he want me? He could have done this to literally anyone else. I don't understand."
"He doesn't have any record of sexual assault," Charlie shrugged, "I really don't think that's his aim. He thinks he's in love you, he' trying to get you to feel the same way."
"It's working," Castiel confessed, "I like him, Charlie. But this? This is something that I should be calling the police over. This is actually frightening."
"What are you gonna do?"
Castiel shrugged and allowed the question to hang in the air ominously.
You Are Enough
As always he was reluctant to leave Castiel's presence, but there was an awkwardness between since Sam stupidly got an erection. So he returned home to face his older brother's wrath, still overall content with his date and knowledge that Castiel could probably forgive him.
Dean was waiting for him with an angry glare, "I swear to god, next time I'm coming."
"Nothing happened," Sam sighed, "you said I was allowed to try and get him to like me."
"I said you could spend as much time with him as it takes to make you realise you aren't in love with a stranger. Don't you realise you're dangerous? Even if you don't mean to be, you got him drunk and then spent the night in his apartment. Do you think he would have done that if he knew how weird you are?"
Sam's jaw clenched, "Don't. I get it, I'm a freak. But I would never cause Castiel harm Dean. Even if he found out and didn't want to spend any more time with me. I love him; I know you don't think so, but I do. I think you should go home, Dean."
"No," Dean growled, "I have to stay. If you do something to him, I need to be there and get your ass out of trouble."
Sam only huffed, storming off into his bedroom looking for work to occupy himself with.
⁂
It was somehow Sunday, again, and Castiel had to reluctantly attend church with his family. He liked Gabriel well enough, and spent the majority of his time hiding behind him whenever it looked like anyone wanted to interact with him.
This week was more stressful than usual because all he could think about was Sam. Sam's god-like face, his stalking, his beautiful gleaming smile, his stalking, the way he looked at Castiel, his stalking, like he was something so precious and delicate, stalking, stalking, stalking! It was so confusing; on one hand Jared had been so wonderful and kind, on the other… stalking.
And at church, things were completely different. When he wasn't interested in dating anyone he didn't exactly feel like a sinner, but now that Sam was in the picture he felt weird being at a church that had never thought positively of such things to say the least. He doubted they would see any different if Castiel explained he only wanted to kiss a man.
"Dude, you're out of it," Gabriel commented over lunch, they were at the lower end of the table, away from the rest of the bickering family members.
"Sorry," was all Castiel could provide.
"It's okay," Gabriel smiled, "you thinking of someone special?"
Castiel almost laughed, but he didn't. "Yeah," he whispered, "yeah I am."
⁂
"We need to talk" was all the message said. Like Castiel was already breaking up with him before they even began. Needing to talk was never ever a good thing, Castiel wanted to talk to him about something serious, something life-altering.
So he stood nervously outside Castiel's door, biting the inside of his cheek so hard he could taste blood. When Castiel opened the door he somehow looked more gorgeous than ever, wearing his light blue dress shirt and fitted black pants – church clothes, of course. Sam knew this time of the week well, and hour ago he would have been in Castiel's apartment.
"Hey," Castiel said, and the words sounded flat in his mouth.
"Hi," Sam replied, trying to stop his voice from cracking.
Sam followed him inside, finding his place next to Castiel on the couch. There was no way Castiel could possibly know… but he did. Sam knew that he knew; there was nothing else that could create this weight between them.
"Sam have you been following me?" Castiel asked.
Sam considered lying, but that was too deceptive, even for him. "Yeah."
Castiel let go of a breath neither of them realised he had been holding, "How long?"
"Three years," Sam realised out loud. Was it really three years? That seemed so long.
"Why?"
Sam bit his lip and said, "I love you." It sounded ridiculous even to his own ears, but it was true. In spite of what Dean, and probably Castiel himself thought, he really did love him. Sam couldn't bear to look at him, afraid of what he would see.
"You're sick, Sam." You're a freak, Sam. I don't love you, Sam.
"I know, I'm sorry." And he was, truly sorry; not that he had been when Dean found out, but now… now he was nothing but sorry.
"We never spoke, I didn't even know you knew my name. Three years, and you never said anything more to me than you're breakfast order." Castiel didn't sound as angry as he had expected, that was a plus.
Sam finally looked at him, to see confusion staring back at him. Castiel wasn't calling the police, and he certainly wasn't asking him to leave, so what was he doing? "I didn't mean to," Sam attempted to explain, "I thought I would talk to you when the right moment came along, until then, I was just… making sure you were okay."
"I'm not attracted to you. You realise that, right? I can never give you what you want."
Sam shook his head, "I don't expect sex from you, or anything else. I just want you to be a part of my life Cas, please."
Castiel's face pinched and Sam felt confused as he saw his big blue eyes brim with tears, "I don't love you. I don't even know you."
Sam opened his mouth to respond, but was met with a whole heap of Castiel. Castiel who had willingly pressed their lips together. Castiel who was now a lot closer than Sam expected him to be. Castiel who didn't love him, but maybe liked him in a way that was a little more than friendly.