I never thought the thing that hurt me most would come from him… That just two words could change my life so dramatically, you know? But they did, and they can. It's strange how just one line spoken, one reciprocated feeling can just affect you so heavily… but just because it's strange, doesn't mean it won't happen. I know that better than anybody…
It should have been a joyous day, but the most I can recall of it, it was terrible. The first thing he'd done to hurt me, since that night, the night I can't stand to remember… A night that makes me cry myself to sleep almost every time I try to rest. They would have noticed, had I not feigned the slumber that I needed, but it wouldn't have been worth it. It wouldn't have been a sweet night with him.
I'd tried time and time again to forget about him, to just let the feelings fall by the wayside and continue on the pilgrimage, but it seemed that the stars had another plan for me, and without Yevon there to guide me along the way, I seemed lost. My heart, though the essence of myself, was the only true prison I've ever been held captive in.
It's funny to think that, someone who you started out thinking of as your younger brother could become so much more, someone so dear to you that you really just pray for their happiness, and yet, if that happiness isn't found within you, you can't help but to resent the person that he does find happiness in. It was terrible. She was like my little sister, but I hated her. I hated her, loved her, felt sorry for her, was happy that she was, all at the same time. It made me want to burst.
He'd talked to me of it before, while I lay awake in the room, trying desperately not to think of him, but failing having him just across from me in the next bed, or right above me, depending on the accommodations of the inn. He'd at first just been thinking aloud, talking to himself, but soon, when he'd thought I was asleep, he'd have one-sided conversations with me. I'd thought of answering him, but to lose that communication, even if I said nothing, would have been worse than anything he ever told me.
The first time he said he loved her, we were in Luca, right before the blitzball game. He'd been so happy, I can remember the bounce in his voice as he talked to me through the night, sometimes in his sleep, other times in consciousness, but every time, he'd not once mentioned anything that could have caused joy in myself.
The line I remember the most from that night was this: 'Wakka… If it hadn't been for you, I never would have met her.' I remember how I punished myself for blindly taking him to the village, to allow him to lay his eyes on her, the first time she'd gained an Aeon, but as usual, I wasn't thinking ahead then, and he'd not been more than a little brother to me, as I'd said.
After that, the conversations continued, on the Mi'ihen Highroad, Mushroom Rock, the Moonflow, Guadosalam, the Thunder Plains… Wherever we went, he would speak of her. Things were always slow, such as how he'd taught her to whistle, or the time they'd spotted a wildflower and she'd told him the legend behind it. But all that changed the night we awaited entrance to the Calm Lands.
I'd been setting up the camp with Auron, and he, as usual, had gone away to escape the work. Most likely, he was thinking of his father when she'd come up… It was their first kiss. I remember how he'd described it to me, using words like "magical" and phrases like "when you make the final goal in a blitzball game." I had blindly lay there in the tent, pretending to be asleep, while he went on about their evening. It made me sick.
In the morning I couldn't look at her. I just remember thinking of how much I hated her for taking him from me. I called her a whore in my mind and couldn't stand the thought of her being with him, of me being around her, having to care, because she would die soon… That thought, that terrible thought, twisted inside of me, until it gave me solace. She would die, and he would be free, free to be with me. I was terrible. I began to sink further and further inside of myself. Lulu was the only one who noticed. Maybe that was why I began transferring my emotions for him onto her, but no matter how I told myself I loved her, I knew it was a lie, and that Tidus was the only one for me.
I remember reaching Zanarkand, how a kind of terrible anxiousness rose in my chest the closer and closer we got to the temple. I remember thinking how much like Sin I was. A Sin who would cause death, despair, and destruction, and to my own friends, not just random villages… I was a monster, fueled by jealousy and lust… but also love.
We'd reached the chamber of the Fayth and he'd pulled me aside. He said he needed to talk, and I, in my delight that he would choose me to speak with, left with him. He told me of his plans, his horrible terrible plans, and I felt that my life would end on the spot.
'Wakka,' he said, his voice so serious, velvet-smooth and intoxicating, 'I… I want to marry her. I'm going to propose to Yuna, I know she'll be alive… I won't let her die… And so, Wakka… I was wondering, actually, I was hoping that you would be my best man.'
I felt tears in my eyes, though I wouldn't let them escape. He was going to propose to her, and he wanted me to be his best man, to stand there, up close and watch them happily pledge to love each other for eternity… and then the kiss. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and nodded, smiling. 'Sure, brudda, I'd be honored.'
I remember he showed me the ring, and I couldn't help but wanting to take it, and to fling it far into Ifrit's flames, so that it would cease to be, or to offer it to Sin, to have it swallowed up, never to be retrieved, but… Of course, I never did.
He never proposed to her, he was gone before he could, and that did make me happier, but still… I can't help but think, wouldn't I rather have him here, happily married to her, than to have him gone to who knows where?