Clowning Around
On the roof of the Gotham City Art Gallery, the full moon illuminated a man in a purple suit, whistling to himself as he strung a series of explosives around the glass panels high above the main gallery. The whistling soon turned into happy singing as he checked the wires linking the explosives: "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight! I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel, and so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real! See that pretty girl in the mirror there, who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me! I feel…"
He was cut off as a whip tightened around his neck, choking his voice in his throat. "I know you're in love with a pretty wonderful boy, J, but the feeling's not mutual," growled a familiar voice, as another figure landed on the roof. "No need to attract his attention with all that singing."
"Well, as I live and…breathe!" gasped the Joker, smiling as Catwoman released the whip from around his throat. "If it isn't Batsy's favorite pussy! What are you doing here, puddy tat?"
"Same as you. Hoping to earn a few extra bucks from our friends in the black market who deal in stolen art," said Catwoman, peering through the glass panels. "Though I do have my eye on a rather fine piece I'm gonna keep for myself."
"Is it the one where those kittens are playing poker?" chuckled Joker.
"Those are dogs," snapped Catwoman. "No, it's a painting of a panther, actually. See the resemblance?" she purred, crouching down on all fours. "Sleek, black, dangerous?"
"That's racist," retorted Joker. "White people can be sleek and dangerous too, y'know. Just look at me!"
"Everything's a joke to you, isn't it, J?" sighed Catwoman.
"That's where my name comes from," he agreed.
"Well, this is stupid way to break into the building, if you don't mind my saying," said Catwoman. "If the explosion doesn't summon the Bat, the alarm will."
"Précisément, mon chaton," retorted Joker, laughing. "You don't think I'm actually interested in stealing the paintings, do you? Maybe cat burglary and petty thievery makes pussy purr, but I'm only doing this to fight the Bat. It's what I live for, really," he chuckled.
"You're pathetic," she muttered. "Nobody should ever be dependent on that jerk."
"Aw, trouble in paradise for love's young costumed dream?" sighed Joker. "That's sad. I always thought you and the Bat made a cute couple. I also always thought about whether or not you kept your masks on during sex. I think I would with the Bat – don't wanna ruin the mystery…"
"You know what, J, I'm really not in the mood to talk about him," interrupted Catwoman. "And I'm certainly not in the mood to see him, so if you're gonna light this homemade Batsignal, I'm outta here."
"Well, I did just see Batsy last week," said Joker. "But it's been ages since I hung around with my favorite feline femme fatale! We'll do it your way if you wanna, kitty."
Catwoman stared at him in shock. "Seriously?" she asked.
"Do I look like I'm joking?" asked Joker, grinning. "I know I do, but I've got a great poker face. You gonna play or fold, pussy pie?"
Catwoman studied him. "I'll play," she said, crouching down on the glass. "But only if you stop making jokes about pussies."
"Hey, you chose the name, not me!" chuckled Joker. "Can't expect me to resist when it's that obvious!"
"Well, try being a bit more subtle sometime, huh?" asked Catwoman, tracing her claw around in a large rectangle against the glass. "That's what women like – wit. Not goofy, clown funny."
"I'll have you know, the ladies love me," retorted Joker, grinning. "And Harley is very enthusiastic about my sense of humor. That's why she brings me the whoopie cushion every night."
"Too much information, J," retorted Catwoman, lifting the cut pane of glass and handing it to him. "Where is Harley tonight anyway?"
"Probably wearing something skimpy and waiting for me to get back," retorted Joker, putting the glass carefully down on the roof. "She wanted to come along, but I didn't want her spoiling me and Batsy's private time."
"Both Ivy and me have told her time and again that she'd be a lot happier if she just dumped you and moved on," muttered Catwoman, tying her whip to a gargoyle and throwing the other end down the hole.
"Would she, though?" asked Joker. "She's crazy in love with me, so being with me makes her happy. It makes sense if you're crazy too."
"You don't treat her right," retorted Catwoman, climbing down the whip into the museum. "And she shouldn't have to put up with it. Your girlfriend should always be the most important thing in a man's life. Not some stupid guy in a costume."
"Oooh, am I what caused your and Batsy's little rift?" chuckled Joker. "I'm flattered! Well, don't feel bad, kitty. I'm a pretty irresistible guy. It's only natural Bats would care about me more than you…"
"He doesn't care about you more than me," growled Catwoman, dropping to the ground and landing on her feet.
"No? He's never interrupted one of our dates to see you," chuckled Joker, climbing down after her. "How many dates of yours has he interrupted to see me?"
Catwoman ignored him, flipping on her infrared glasses and looking around the darkened room. "There's a tripwire system over there," she said, nodding. "So don't trip over it."
"Ja wohl, mein Catmeister!" exclaimed Joker, saluting.
"Do you think they want the frames with these, or can we just cut out the ones we want?" purred Catwoman, approaching one of the canvases and sharpening her nails.
"You can't just cut them out, kitty – you gotta have a joke to go with it!" exclaimed Joker. "You gotta pick the paintings based on some kinda gag."
"I don't do jokes, J," retorted Catwoman. "I base my crimes around how much money I can get for it. And this is the most valuable painting in here. Some kinda Rembrandt, I think? Art was never an interest of mine."
"Rem…brandt," said Joker, slowly. He shook his head. "Nah, can't do nothing with that. No joke there – we'll just have to leave it. Now this one here, I can do!" he chuckled, pointing at another painting. "It's by some guy called Van Dyck! Now do you suppose that's prounounced 'dick' or 'dyke'? And which joke do I use first?" he giggled.
"J, we're taking the Rembrandt," retorted Catwoman.
"We ain't got a joke for it!" he argued. "What's wrong with this Van Dyck?"
"This one is worth more money!" hissed Catwoman. "I've told you!"
"Well, I want this one," he said, grabbing the painting off the wall.
"It doesn't matter what you want…" she began, when suddenly an alarm blared through the museum.
"Whoops, clumsy me!" chuckled Joker. "Looks like the paintings are alarmed!"
"You moron!" snapped Catwoman. She grabbed the Rembrandt, tucked it under her arm, and then leapt back up to grab the whip. She shimmied back up, throwing the painting down on the roof and then glancing back. The Joker wasn't behind her. "Hurry up, would ya?" she shouted down. "Any second now the Bat could be here!"
"Yep," agreed a voice behind her. Catwoman whirled around to see Batman glaring down at her, arms folded across his chest. "Committing burglaries again, are we, Selina?" he asked.
"None of your goddamn business," she growled, picking up the painting.
"Crime in my city is my business, even if you don't feel you are anymore," retorted Batman.
"Well, committing a crime is certainly one of the only ways for a girl to get your attention," retorted Catwoman.
"Is that why you're doing this?" he asked. "To get my attention?"
"Don't flatter yourself," she snapped. "I don't need you, Bats. I've moved on with my life."
"Really?" he asked, skeptically. "Doesn't seem that way to me, if you're still committing your old crimes…"
"Sorry, kitty, that Van Dyck was heavier than I thought," said the Joker, pulling himself up onto the roof suddenly. "So I had to settle for this painting of a soup can instead. It's modern art, so basically a joke in itself…"
He trailed off when he saw Batman, who staring at him in horror. "What…is he doing with you?" Batman asked. "Selina, tell me this isn't what you meant by saying you've moved on with your life."
"What, you think I would…no!" cried Catwoman, disgusted. "Oh God, no!"
"Yeah, that's right, Bats!" chuckled Joker, draping an arm around Catwoman. "Me and kitty are quite the item! Now I know you're probably jealous, but I'll always have a special place in my heart for you…"
"Very funny, Joker," interrupted Batman. "Now just hand over the paintings and I'll try not to hurt you too badly."
"Aw, but the game's no fun unless someone gets hurt!" chuckled Joker. "I'll tell ya what, Batsy, you can have the soup can."
Batman held out his hand expectantly. And Joker reached into his pocket and pulled out an actual can of soup, which he flung at Batman. It hit him squarely in the face and he reeled back.
"Run for it, Kitty!" shouted Joker, grabbing her arm and jumping off the roof.
"J, what the hell are you doing?!" shrieked Catwoman, as the ground came up fast.
"Don't worry – a cat always lands on its feet!" he chuckled. Catwoman squeezed her eyes shut, as she collided with what she thought was the ground…but which turned out to be an air mattress painted to look like the street.
"Thought I might need a quick escape route, so I set this up earlier," explained Joker, dragging her after him into his waiting car. He climbed into the driver's seat and looked expectantly at her.
"What the hell are you waiting for?!" shrieked Catwoman. "Drive!"
Joker pointed at her seatbelt. "Safety first," he said. "There might be kiddies watching."
Catwoman let out an exasperated sigh, but buckled up. "Now drive!" she shrieked.
"Is he following?" asked Joker, when they had been driving erratically for about ten minutes.
"I can't see him," replied Catwoman, looking out the back window. She let out a sigh of relief, settling back into her seat. "What now?" she asked.
He shrugged. "You hungry?" he asked. "I'm feeling a bit peckish myself. I had brought that can of soup, but Batsy stole that. And I won't get anything good to eat at home with Harley cooking."
"I guess I could use a snack," she agreed. "You know anywhere good around here?"
"Pengers place will attract the least attention," said Joker. "And it's not far."
"Oh yeah, and he does sushi, right?" asked Catwoman.
Joker made a face. "Y'know, just because cats eat raw fish don't mean you have to," he retorted. "It's disgusting."
"You ever had sushi, J?" she asked. "It might surprise you. You might like it."
"Nah, I ain't never tried it actually," replied Joker. "Harley hates fish. The sight of it makes her feel sick."
"I'll buy you some," said Catwoman. "It tastes better than you think, honestly."
Joker shrugged again. "Well, if you're paying, who am I to say no to free food?" he asked. "I ain't that crazy."
They pulled up in front of the Iceberg Lounge and entered the illegal backroom where the supervillains of Gotham City could enjoy an evening out without the risk of a police raid or a Bat attack.
"My dear Miss Kyle, what a surprise to see you with such…company," stammered the Penguin, forcing a smile as he looked from Catwoman to Joker.
"Yeah, yeah, skip it, Oswald," retorted Catwoman. "Just give us a table without further comments, or I'll break your face."
"Don't she sound just like Batsy?" chuckled Joker, pinching her cheek. "It's cute how couples start talking like each other…"
Catwoman slapped his hand away. "We're not a couple," she growled, as they sat down. "Not anymore."
"Well, I can tell Batsy was still interested," said Joker. He laughed. "I mean, his face when he thought we were together was absolutely priceless!"
"He should know I have better taste than that," growled Catwoman. Then she grinned. "Though it is kinda funny, thinking about how jealous it would make him if I really was dating his mortal enemy."
She sipped her water thoughtfully. "He just…never shows he cares," she muttered.
"Tell me about it," sighed Joker, wistfully.
"But if he thought I was with another guy he hated as much as he hates you, he'd be forced to intervene," she continued. "Which would force him to show he cares…"
"Hate is a strong word," said Joker, looking a little hurt. "I'm sure he doesn't hate me…"
"J, how would you like to pull the joke of the century on Batman?" asked Catwoman suddenly, leaning forward.
"I'm all ears, cat lady," replied Joker, grinning.
"Then here's what we're gonna do," she said, taking his hands. "We're gonna pretend we are a couple. We're gonna create a lot of publicity, committing crimes together, looking affectionate, until everyone, from the media to the Bat, are convinced that we're together. It'll make Batman so jealous, and annoy him so much, that he'll be forced to show me how much he cares. Then I can dump you for him, and everything can go back to normal. Only I'll have Batman wrapped around my little finger to make sure it doesn't happen again."
Joker sipped his own drink. "You think this is a good plan?" he asked, lightly. "You sure?"
"Of course I'm sure," retorted Catwoman. "What could possibly go wrong?"
Joker grinned. "Why, nothing, kitty," he murmured. "Nothing at all."