Hello.
I'm a vampire.
My name is Herbert.
My skin is very pasty and my eyes are a soft shade of honey.
I sparkle in the sunlight.
"Why hello there my sweet Bean." I said shyly.
"Oh, Herberto, how I have missed you," she said slyly with a sly grin on her sly face.
"My name is not Herberto..." I repeated as my soft, sweet smile turned upside down.
"Oh I'm sorry SHERBERT."
"Mmmm. I do enjoy my sherbert." I said as my smile that was upside down turned the opposite way making me have a smile now.
"Oh, I know. I watch you eat it every night. From the tree. Outside your window. I'm so romantic, right?" She bent over in a seductive manner. Her rather large breasts fell from her shirt. And kept falling. Down to the floor. They're a little bit saggy, now that I think about it...
Now people, Bean is a woman of 24.
I stared at her and her breast strangely. I said, "Ohh Bean, you have a breast just like my 98 and 3/4 year old grandma. And let me tell you. I do enjoy them."
Bean smiled that smile that made me smile when she smiled. She said, "Will you be at the club tonight?"
I smiled as she smiled that smile that made me smile when she smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
SUDDENLY, NIGHTFALL!
I stood outside the club and adjusted my pink sequined hot pants. They were beginning to chafe the family jewels. It was drag night at the local club, The Feathered Cock. I've never missed a drag night. I adjusted my Lime green feather boa and walked in.
I spoted Bean right by the stripper pole with a large buff man. The large buff man was hip thrusting very wildly at Bean. Me, not being the jealous type, just walked up to him and slapped him with my feather boa. He blew out the feathers which got stuck in his throat for about 2 minutes. No. He wasnt choking, because he was used to having things in his throat.
He took it like a pro, I had to hand it to him. I gave him a nice pat on his marble, god-like perfect angelic beautiful back. He responded by removing a feather from betwix his teeth and placing it ever so gently on my tongue.
I quickly took advantage of this moment, and turned to Bean ever so slightly. I placed the feather in Bean's mouth. ONLY using my tongue. This was indeed, a difficult thing to do. But it all worked out in the end. It was touch and go for a minute there, but thankfully the god-like marble statue that's omg perfectomgomgomg standing next to me, guided us through it.
Bean, who is a woman of 24, spat out the feather and took the marble god-like statue's place on center stage. She performed a strip tease for us. Her hips swayed to the music, and she once again smiled that smile that made me smile when she smiled it. CHAGRIN.
Suddenly, she reached into her throat and pulled out a string of scarves tied together! Impressive, my dear Bean. When she stepped down from the stage, I told her as much.
"Impressive, my dear Bean."
"Mmmm, you like that Herberta?" said Bean.
I replied with a very suductive nod.
Bean then walked over to me and opened my mouth. I kinda got a little "too excited" and decided i better walk this off. Once my "situation" was over, i walked back to Bean and aplogized.
It turns out it was just the pleats in my sequined hot pants.
She then again opened my mouth and then pulled a string of scarves tied together out of my mouth! Just like that. Just. Like. That.
SUDDENLY, BUTTSLAP!
SHOCK AND HORROR! I felt a pinch on my bedazzled bum! I turned around ready to strike the purpetrator, when, to my shock! It was the marvelous forever wish god-like marble statue whose name I inexplicably know to be EDWARD CULLEN OMG.
My anger diminished when he crooked his (sparkly angelic) pinky finger and beckoned me to come with him to the mens room.
I walked over to the mens room with him.
SUDDENLY!
I felt a slight breeze. My sequined hot pants were ripped off!
"Surprise!" Shouted Edwardo, right before he raped me. But it was okay because he yelled surprise first.
I enjoyed it. Very much.
"Oh, Herbenstein!" shouted Bean, right as my sparkly jizz flowed freely.
If you are wondering what my jizz looks like, imagine a glass of milk filled with craft glitter.
Edwardie stopped mid-thrust and stared wide-eyed at my beautiful Bean as she stared wide-eyed at my beautiful rapist. She did that thing she always does when she's nervous; remove things from her throat. This time she pulled out dainty handkerchiefs her grandmother embroidered.
I stared at my Bean wide-eyed as she stared at me wide-eyed and Eddie stared at her wide-eyed and Bean stared at Eddie wide-eyed and everyone's eyes were wide and I don't know whose eyes were whose and it was just a big wide-eyed, jizz-filled mess god dammit.
After our wide-eyed, jizz filled mess god dammit ended, we all headed back to the dance floor.
SUDDENLY! THE LIGHTS went out!
Immediatly my war tactics set in. I started to punch widely at the air. But then suddenly i felt something. I knew i had made a direct blow.
SUDDENLY. The lights came back on.
I looked around, and found that i had knocked Bean, a woman of 24, out cold. I danced the Mr. Roboto over to her, because my favorite german techno song was on. I bent down, but this wasnt very smart. Because I felt another slight breeze, I just ripped my pants. Yep, just ripped them. But thats okay, because Edwin liked it. I continued and bent down to Bean, a woman of 24.
Bean, a woman of 24, groaned slightly as if she was in pain. I realized I had been kneeling on her saggy left breast, that had slipped out of her top and inched its way across the floor like a hungry hungry caterpillar searching for scraps of leaves and other such sustenance.
I removed my knee from betwix her busom and tucked her stray breasts - her "stragglers", if you will - back into her top. I slapped her across her delicate face that would often smile that smile that made me smile when she smiled it. She smiled. I smiled at her smile. But she was still unconcious, so I asked if anyone had any water or ice or some other liquid I could use to rouse her.
"Does anyone have any water or ice or some other liquid I could use to rouse her?"
Several people tossed their drinks at me at once, and I was drenched in mojitos and vodka martinis. It felt like college all over again. Only these were beverages and not man-juice.
Someone handed me a bottle of Absolut~~~ Vodka! I gently lifted Bean, who is a woman of 24, onto my knee and tipped the bottle ever so slightly inter her mouth.
"Bottoms up!" I told my beautiful Bean, who is a woman of 24.
She struggled, but Edvarto held her down like the giant marble statue greek god angel vampire gothic angel beautiful creature marble statue greek god that he is. I wouldn't let my angelic Bean, who is a woman of 24, move until she finished her vodka. It was what she needed at this moment.
SUDDENLY, SHE WENT LIMP!
I began to poke her vigorously. So very vigorously.
BUT Edwina stopped me, because he reminded me that pokes have now been classifed as rape.
SO i shouted surprise and continued.
"SUPRISE!"
Bean, a woman of 24, finally came back to being concious.
I smiled. Because she was smiling. That smile that made me smile.
Then my absolute favorite german techno song came on, and i jumped up ever so excitedly!
I began showing off my moves to Bean, a woman of 24. She smiled, which made me frown.
SUDDENLY, DAYTIME!
I roused from my slumber at about 2:15 in the afternoon, with a splitting headache from all the German techno the night before, and a sore behind from all the surprise buttsex from Edwinalina.
I sat up in my four-post canopy bed and stretched my arms. I fluffled my lavender ruffly pillows, sat back and pulled the pink sateen covers up around my neck. I giggled because I imagined that I looked like a severed head in a sea of satin.
SUDDENLY, MY SWEET BEAN,
who is a woman of 24, appeared outside my window. I secretly wished it was Edwartaletta. But then she smiled that smile that made me smile when she smiled, and I smiled.
Oh but then suddenly, she threw a spoonful of oatmeal at me.
I frowned sooo hard. Because this oatmeal had slid off my face and got all over my collection of unicorns.
But it was okay. Because I jumped up from my bed-castle and sprinted towards my large, walk-in closet and retrieved my unicorn outfit! I placed the unicorn horn gently on my forehead and put on my hoof-shoes. I pranced about.
SUDDENLY, NIGHTFALL!
I found myself in a clearing in the middle of the forest. There were trees that waved in the breeze like trees often do, and they had leaves like trees often do, and some of them even had branches, like trees often do.
I looked around with a terrifed smile on my face.
SUDDENLY, VAMPIRES!
They were all around me! They waved in the breeze, like vampires often do, and they had leaves, like vampires often do, and some of them even had branches, like vampires often do.
They cornered me in this forest that doesn't actually have any corners because it's kind of a clearing in the shape of a circle, but whatever, they still cornered me somehow.
SUDDENLY, VAMPIRES KIDZ BOP!
All the vampires started to sing horribly. Ruining all of my favorite songs. Such as Boys, Boys, Boys by Lady Gaga. I stared at them wide-eyed.
"You like it?" they all screamed.
I stared at them wide-eyed.
I then spotted Bean and Edjelique in the corner of the forest staring wide-eyed.
SUDDENLY, I BLINKED.
SUDDENLY, I OPENED MY EYES.
My sweet Bean stood before me, as did Edwarnia, and all the vampires were inexplicably gone. I will not explain where they went. Shut up.
Sweet Bean smiled at me.
I chagrinned.
Edwardina took me by the hand, threw me onto his back and carried me piggy-back through the forest. I wanted to yell, "Wheeeeeee, ponyyyyy!" So I did.
"Wheeeeeee, ponyyyyy!" I screamed.
SUDDENLY, RAGING ERECTION.
All this pony action got me a little excited, so I started crying and thrashing about and tried to walk this one off, but my beautiful Bean jumped onto my back while I was on Edwrinkle's back, and held me down.
It wasn't the pleats this time.
SUDDENLY, I AM INEXPLICABLY PREGNANT.
Don't ask me how. Shut up.
I decided to name the devil-child BeanEdwaHerberto-a-Sherbet.
I decided to step in a lighted area of the forest and let the light shine on me.
I SPARKLED!
BUT THEN!
Beaedwaherberto-a-sherbert decided it was time to be brought into this world~~~~
And BUT so.
BEHOLD! A beautiful baby was born, and my baby daddy and I lived happily ever after and I suffered no physical trauma from this episode.
BAHA JUST KIDDING.
SUDDENLY! BEAEDWARHERBERTO-A-SHERBERT RIPS HIS WAY OUT OF MY IRON-WOMB
lalalalalalala this never happened lalalalalalalalala shut up
SUDDENLY, DAYTIME!
Something happened here.
SUDDENLY, NIGHTFALL!
Something really happened here!
SUDDENLY, DAYTIME!
My sweetest Bean is inexplicably here, and she smiled that smile that made me smile when she smiled, and I smiled.
But then Edwardinalinaramalamadingdong walked into the room and saw us CHAGRINNING and stared wide-eyed at me, and Bean stared wide-eyed at Edwarlisa, and I stared wide-eyed at Edwytia, and Bean stared wide-eyed at me, and I stared wide-eyed at Bean and we all put on some German techno and decided to DANCE OUR TROUBLES AWAY!
SUDDENLY, SURPRISE DANCE PARTY,
Nothing but german techno played the entire time. It was quite the party, let me tell you.
"It was quite the party." I said to no one in particular.
My sweet, sweet Bean decided that it was time to...
I broke into a harcore Mr. Roboto and slapped her across the face with my robot arm.
Once again, she was out cold. I yelled for some vodka.
"DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME VODKA? ANYONE! VVVVVOOOOODDDDDKKKKKAAA!" I shouted very loudly.
It turns out i was alone in my closet with Bean out cold. This so happened to my rape closet out of all my 69 closets i have.
So i yelled suprise.
"SUPRISE!" I shouted very loudly.
She enjoyed it. I could tell by the twitching. And the way her saggy breasts inched across my floor as if trying to escape. I quickly closed the door, but her breast got stuck in it. Oh dear.
SUDDENLY, OH DEAR.