The hour was late. So late that the sun was already high in the sky. So late that jokes about it being technically "early" had not only ceased to be funny, but had actually stopped being told. Nonetheless, the revelry at the Hog's Head was still in full swing and showed no signs of slowing. The party was at the inn not because of its proprietor's contribution to the preceding battle, but because the vast cavalcade of celebrants had already eaten and drunk its way through the Hogwarts kitchens, The Three Broomsticks, Madam Puddifoot's, Honeydukes, and Zonko's Joke Shop and was running out of options.
The building was packed, wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling, with every important person who was still alive, many looking rather surprised to be so. Sitting at the head of the largest table was the man of the hour himself, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter. Ron and Hermione were seated to his left, the three of them equally captivated by the entrancing figure to his right.
It was that of dreamy, heretofore unmentioned American exchange student Mario Suleiman Earwax, whose effortlessly graceful movements were followed intently by every eye in the room. Mario Suleiman Earwax, whose sharp wit and easy laugh instantly charmed everyone he came in contact with. Mario Suleiman Earwax, whose magical abilities easily outshone Hermione's in every respect. Mario Suleiman Earwax, whose knowledge of pretty much everything was unmatched in the history of the universe. Mario Suleiman Earwax, whose grace and beauty defy all description. He also played the accordion. In the face of all this, the fact that he was Harry's long-lost brother seemed of little consequence. Regardless of his numerous attributes and accomplishments, he remained remarkably grounded, never allowing his breathtaking triumphs to go to his head.
"Harry," he said, his slender hand brushing locks of smooth, honey-brown hair from his face, "you look tired. Perhaps it's time to think about leaving."
"I'd love to, but every time I try to leave, someone insists that I stay for another round." Harry indicated the empty cups and bottles in front of him. "I've drunk enough butterbeer to drown a house elf."
"I have an idea."
"You always have good ideas, Mario Suleiman Earwax. Alright, let's hear it."
"Exit in style." said Mario Suleiman Earwax, reaching under the table, "I brought this!" And he pulled out his accordion, the very same accordion with which he had become world-famous and fabulously wealthy.
"I don't know," said Harry, "you're the talented one."
"Nonsense," replied Mario Suleiman Earwax reassuringly, "you'll do fine." And with that he got up on the table, not even needing to call the room to attention, as all eyes were already riveted to the sheer majesty that was his body. "Excuse me, everyone!" he said with a warm smile, "Harry has something to say!" The assembled witches and wizards applauded heartily, and as Harry climbed onto the table beside him, Mario Suleiman Earwax began to play, and Harry began to sing:
"Alright you guys,
I'm glad we didn't die.
We've had some great adventures,
Now it's time to say goodbye,
But don't cry.
I'm sure we'll be seeing eachother,
'Cause my best mate is my girlfriend's brother!
So raise your glasses high,
And feel free to sing along!
Everything's so perfect now,
Nothing could go wrong…
Because I've got the Power of Luck
And More Talented Friends!
The weapon we have is Luck,
And as our story ends,
We'll remember that we only lived to the end of the book
Thanks to Harry Potter and the Power of Luck!"
The entire crowd, with glasses, mugs, goblets, and tankards in the air, was swaying to the beat, and Ron and Hermione quickly joined the impromptu table-top band. With the next verse fast approaching, Hermione began to sing:
"Are you concerned
We've set ourselves up to get burned?
With all of our failed relationships,
You'd think we might have learned..."
(And now Ron joined in:)
"But I've yearned
For you too long to doubt
That high school romances will always work out!
Got off to a rocky start,
But now I've made you mine.
And though we've had our issues,
I'm sure we'll be just fine…
Because We've got the Power of Luck
And More Talented Friends!
The weapon we have is Luck,
And as our story ends, we'll remember
That we only lived to the end of the book
Thanks to Harry Potter and the Power of Luck!"
And with a loud –CRACK– Harry disapparated, as Mario Suleiman Earwax led the crowd in another rousing chorus:
We've got the Power of Luck
And More Talented Friends!
The weapon we have is Luck,
And as our story ends, we'll remember
That we only lived to the end of the book
Thanks to Harry Potter and the Power of Luck!"
"I'm sure we're going to be just fine, Hermione," said Ron as he helped her down from the table.
"Why's that?" she asked, still not taking her eyes off of Mario Suleiman Earwax, who was shredding some hot accordion licks for the benefit of the on-lookers.
"I read the epilogue; apparently we all get married and live happily ever after!"
Shocked from her reverie Hermione turned to face him, "that's ridiculous! And not in the Snape wearing a dress kind of way."
Ron chuckled, "Snape in a dress," then continued more soberly, "I suppose we really ought to respect his memory, eh? Good guy all along and that?"
"Yeah right. Six years of being a jerk doesn't go away just because he had a crush on Harry's mum. Helping us is all well and good but it's not like we're about to start calling him a hero and naming out kids after him." She paused for breath. "Right, where were we?"
"Snape in a dress," Ron chuckled again.
"Ridiculous! With all the trauma Harry's been through, his unresolved anger problems and his overactive sense of entitlement, not to mention the fact that with Voldemort gone he's lost the only real purpose he's ever had in his life, he's headed for a breakdown! Even assuming he does work through his issues, the chances of him growing up well adjusted in any real sense are laughable.
And on top of that: he went out with Ginny for, what, a month before he broke it off? She's had a celebrity crush on him since she was ten and apparently hasn't rethought it since. With all of that the chances they'll even be together in six months are slim to none."
"Huh," said Ron, after a suitable pause to ensure that she was finished, "puts things into perspective, doesn't it?"
"How's that?"
"All we've got against us is your being a know-it-all and my being an idiot," and seeing her raised eyebrows, "oh, and we fight pretty often."
"True," she conceded "not bad at all by comparison."
"I know, right? Compared to the Minister of Being Absolutely Mental and his biggest fangirl over there," gesturing to Ginny who was across the room and looking not at all pleased at Harry's rather sudden departure, "we're a sure thing for happily ever after."
"As long as we don't start comparing ourselves to normal people."
"I won't if you won't."
Hermione looked at him appraisingly. She glanced at the ceiling, weighing her options, knowing that on this decision hung the course of the rest of her life. She looked at him again, now with a fascination usually reserved for gruesome traffic accidents. Finally, she spoke:
"Deal."