A/N: Unproofed, short, vague and pointless but my husband insisted I need a creative outlet. Life, however doesn't allow much time for writing. Title and inspiration come from Relapse by Divided By Friday
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He's riding in a taxi that's taking him across the campus. It's not the first time he's done this. And it's not the first time he's been nervous while doing this. It's just a different kind of nervous. The first time he did this it was an excited nervous. A can't sit still, sing a long and play air guitar to the songs on the radio kind of nervous. This it's a leg twitching, want to throw up; this is a bad idea kind of nervous.
"Will right here, work?" The driver asks him as they pull to a stop in front of the dorms.
"This is fine." It's like a bad case of déjà vu. He's had a cab come to a stop at this exact location before, even if it was just for a moment, it still happened. And he knows that where he needs to go is nowhere near this. Where he needs to be is all the way on the other side of the campus. He's just not sure how to direct the cab driver because it's been too long since he's been on this campus. Way too long.
"This is fine." He mumbles again, more to himself this time as the driver hands him back his credit card and he gets out of the cab. He can walk the rest of the way. He's probably going to get lost because it's been way too long; he thinks he needs to make the walk. He thinks he needs to remember this place, maybe just walking around will give him some kind of closure. It's more likely he gets lost, over getting closure but he'll take either one. Or both, preferably both.
He forces his feet to start moving across the pavement because he can't stop here, there's a memory here. A memory of a girl, and a smile and it's one he's not ready or willing to remember just yet. He knows he's going to have to deal with that girl and that smile but he's not ready to do it quite yet. So he forces his feet to move and it's like they never forgot the campus because he thinks they're taking him in the right direction. Passed the dorms, to the quad. He can remember the quad, and being there with Benji the first time he saw the Treblemakers recruiting there. He got to be a part of that recruiting process, it was only once, but there was one time he got to be a part of that. It's bittersweet to him now thinking about how dorky it was the first time he saw it, and how much fun it was to do it, once. Just once but that was his fault.
He can't dwell right now because if he dwells he's going to walk back to the dorm drop and call a cab to come pick him up so he can get on the first plane back to L.A. he can get on. So he kicks at the ground and forces his feet to move again. And move until he gets where he's going. He doesn't allow any other pit stops along the way to his destination.
So they take him to the auditorium that's across from the football stadium. There's a packed flight of stairs leading to its entrances. Friends and family all there for the graduation, there crowding the entrance. So he cuts around because he knows along the back there's a handicapped ramp that will bring him up to the same area everyone else is trying to get to. He wants to think of it as his own personal shortcut, except as he hits the base of the ramp he realizes why no one else was taking it. The ramp he thought would be his own personal short cut is filled green. More so it's filled will students wearing green graduation gowns. The same kind of gown he's be wearing today.
He walks himself backwards onto the grass of the hill. The hill has a name he just can't remember it because... He hasn't been a student there in a really long time. He's been busy working, and making a career for himself instead of college. And right now as he watches all these people stand around talking and hugging each other in celebration; it's the first time he's felt like maybe he let it all go too soon. Maybe he tried to grow up to fast but opportunity was there and it was supposed to be the kind of opportunity that only came once. But then again what he's seeing that's the kind of thing that only comes once too. He lets out a bitter laugh to himself as he watches the sea of green and tries to see if there's anyone he recognizes... His eyes zoom in and he squints as he takes a step forward because he's pretty sure that he can see Benji. No he's not pretty sure, he knows that he's watching Benji because he just waved his hands pulled some multi colored ribbon from the arm of his gown like a magic trick and wrapped it around some girl. Some girl that laughed so hard she pressed her elbows to her knees before she jumped up to hug him. Some that as she pulled away turns so Jesse can see her face. And that some girl isn't just some girl. That some girl is Beca... It's Beca, laughing and hugging Benji.
His mouth goes dry and it feels like he can't breath as his eyes zoom in on her smile. This isn't happening. He's not here for her. He's not here to see her, it wasn't even sure she's be graduating. His eyes close, he can't do this, he can't look at her and relapse. It's happened once before, when she walked away, and then sang him a song on a stage he let himself relapse and fall for her on that smile. He can't let it happen this time. He can't start reliving the memories he's been avoiding. His feet shuffle backwards and he shakes his head to himself in a no manner. It's not the time. It's not why he's here. He can't let this happen. So he's going to walk backward until he finds himself meshing with the crowd to walk in to the auditorium with the masses of friends and family.
He screams and claps when Benji walks across the stage. He doesn't care that they told people to hold their applause until the end of the graduation ceremony. He's not graduating. He's going back to L.A. in tomorrow and chances are he'll never come back to Barden. So he screams when his friend, the guy who's been his best friend regardless of any distance, crosses the stage. And then he waits, he waits for one more name to cross the stage before he leaves the auditorium. As soon as he's outside his eyes close and he blows out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. Then his feet start to move, they start to move and he trusts them. He doesn't question where he's going because he knows where they're taking him. They're taking him down... Indian Hill, he finally remembers what it's called, passed the football stadium, to behind the student union and down a shit load of concrete stairs.
"Hello..." He calls out to hear his own voice echo back at him as he sits on the concrete bench that makes up one of the rows to the Greek theatre that's tucks away between some dorm buildings. It's the place he got drunk and her told they were going to have babies. It's the place he got drunk and told her he loved her for the first time. It's the place where... His eyes close and...
"I love you but I can't do this. I can't wait on you. So don't call me. On your layover, when you get back to L.A. If you're not coming back to Barden next semester, don't call me."
He wishes he has been drunk for that. He wishes he was drunk right now. She didn't believe in them, she didn't believe in him. But how could she when he was leaving, like everyone else in her life. He should be glad he saw her outside the auditorium laughing and excited to graduate with her friends. With the people that stuck around. And he is. He's glad she's happy, it's just...
He bites down on lip and tries to fight the memory of their break up away. It's the one that's tainted everything about this trip. What happen right where he's sitting has tainted his whole visit. But the fact that he listened and didn't call her, that's he never, came back until today, that's all the regret he can't choke down right now. Because he bought into, he bought into what she said, he listened, and maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe if he hadn't they could be happy. Or at least he'd know if they couldn't be because he's never let go of the thought that they could. It's that regret he's choking on. And he knows he doesn't have much more time to choke on it before he has to go meet Benji and his family for a graduation dinner, so he's going to sit there and try to swallow it down before he gets up. He's so busy trying to swallow that down that he doesn't realize he's not alone until...
"I knew this is where I would find you."
The voice brings him to his feet as his head snaps in the direction of the sound and without any thought he's standing there in front of her.
"You're so predictable." And she's really there. Its Beca stand there in front of him in her green graduation gown with her shoes in her hand as she gasps for air like she ran to where she thought he'd be. And her head cocks to one side. It's intentional, she head cocks to one side as she smiles at him.
He not sure why she came to find him. But he smiles back at her because just like that he's falling into relapse again.