Author's Notes:
Hi! I'm here to present a parody of LittleLlamaGirl's (my sister) and Evelyn CMB's work written by them with my assistance and collaboration. This is their idea and is meant to be a light humorous story--nothing serious. So if you're stressed and need a laugh, sit back and enjoy. If you want something serious, you'll probably just want to move along.
This came about during their almost constant e-mails to one another in the past few months as they have been beta reading and helping each other with their stories. Yes--all the similarities in their stories and the way the Skeletor's past is unfolding as Miro is reflecting on his lost son--well they're doing it on purpose and working together. They started joking about how the characters were being whiny and uncooperative and they would have random fits of hysteria, and they started playing with the idea of co-writing a parody fic. of their own work. I am proud, or maybe insane to help them write and beta.
Warning: As a result, if you haven't read their stories, some of these jokes might not make sense. They think it's hilarious, but then they write He-Man stories for fun, so we already know they're insane.
"Skeletor, what foolish plan have you come up with now?" Randor demanded, striding into Snake Mountain. Adam, Teela, Marlena, Cringer, and Orko trailed behind. Cringer whimpered with each step.
"Shut up you nitwit," Skeletor snapped. "We mustn't speak until the protective shield is up."
"So put it up already," Teela said impatiently, tapping her foot and crossing her arms.
"We have to wait until the others get here," Micah told her solemnly.
Teela softened at the sincerity in his warm eyes. She turned to Adam. "See how sweet he is? Come on, let's have one."
"Teela," Adam said in a warning tone. "I don't want to discuss this in front of everyone."
She sniffed. "You never want to discuss it at all."
Their little spat was interrupted by Lana, the former Sorceress of Grayskull. "Adam, I do hope you plan to give me grandchildren soon," she said as she entered with Duncan in tow.
"As soon as these stupid authors stop torturing me and Teela and I get married, I will," Adam growled.
"Hush!" Marlena and Evil-Lyn hissed together. "You want them to hear?" Adam closed his mouth and glowered at the two of them.
"Hello all," Adora said breezily as she and Sea Hawk entered arm-in-arm. "Nice to see everyone's around for the reunion."
"Aah, this is a horrible idea," Beastman growled, scratching at his side. "We'll never get away with it."
"Shut up, you twit," Skeletor snapped. A white falcon flew in and landed on Adam's shoulder.
"Try not to dump on me again," he said to it, grumpily. Grace screeched her displeasure at his comment.
"Well, now that we're all here," Skeletor hinted. He, Lyn, Orko, and Micah joined hands, creating a soundproof barrier and protective forcefield.
"Now," said Skeletor self-importantly, "that you dimwitted-do-gooders have finally decided to take action rather sit on your royal rears or feathered fannies we can enact our evil, malicious, and malevolent—"
A small girl ran giggling into the room, trailing what looked like a long, white paper streamer behind her.
"Great," muttered Trap-Jaw. "I just got back from the last TP run and now the curly-topped terror has wasted another roll because someone," he added, pointedly looking at Beastman, "can't close the bathroom door."
"Drat it, you good-for-nothing glob of hair and parasites, that's the fourth run we've had to make in the last week," shouted Skeletor. "This is going on your annual review."
"Ahem…" interrupted Randor. "We are rather busy, so—"
"Yes, yes," snapped Skeletor sitting on his throne. "Now we all agree that Evelyn CMB and Little Llama Girl have gone too far."
"Here-here,' agreed Randor heartily.
"Absolutely," said Marlena. Muttering almost under her breath she added, "After all they're from Earth, yet still they leave me only with bit parts when I'm the 'alien,' and the gorgeous queen in the fic."
"What was that, dear?" asked Randor, his eyes narrowed.
"Nothing, dear," she returned sulkily.
"Yeah, so what are we going to do about it?" snapped Adam. "If I go through one more 'test of my faith, honor, or purity,' I'm going to get a bazooka and go postal at the next council meeting."
"Adam, really," said Adora. "You need to let this go. After all, we just want to stop them, not hurt them."
"Says the person who stabbed me with the one of the only swords that I can't be magically healed from," muttered Adam.
"I didn't want to do that! Evelyn made me do it!" Adora started to cry, only to be held by Sea Hawk who stared reproachfully at Adam.
Serena flew off Adam's shoulder and transformed. Her face was flushed, and her expression was hard. "Would everyone please stop wasting time here! We could all complain for the next few months what this evil Evelyn, and her loathsome lackey Little Llama Girl have done to all of us. But that won't stop them. We need to focus." Serena stared at the assembly, then began to mutter softly under her breath, "Stuck in an old broken-down castle for the rest of my life, no husband, no friends, no HD television, itchy ridiculous feathered frock."
"Pet-ty bird,' said the little girl, handing Serena a wad of two-ply.
"Ah, look, Skeletor, Neara's giving Serena something to help her deal with her pathetic sob story."
Serena took a step toward Lyn, only to be held back by Duncan and Teelana.
"Cut it out," Skeletor roared, standing up and blasting Beastman. The cowardly cur howled as the magic singed his arm.
"Oh, gross," Teela said, covering her nose. "That reeks!"
"We need to figure out a way to make the two of them stop," Skeletor said, dropping back onto his throne. He muttered under his breath. "Especially Little Llama Girl. It was bad enough Evelyn CMB made me see I was going to Blazes, but making me into a sappy do-gooder is just unforgivable." He wailed louder, "I actually LIKE kisses from Neara! Ack!" He turned to Adam. "Turn into He-Man. I need a good fight."
Adam stood up eagerly. "You got it," he said, drawing his sword. "I've been dying to have a real go at you."
"No!" Lyn yelled. "You'll break the protective shield!"
"Blast," Adam muttered, lowering his sword.
Skeletor's eyes glowed red, and Micah grabbed Neara and hid behind Lyn. "I need to take this frustration out on something," he shouted.
"How about Beastman?" Sea Hawk suggested lazily from a chair against the wall.
"No," growled the furball. "Leave me out of this!"
"Oh, shut up, all of you," Randor commanded. "At least you didn't walk around clueless that your son had some huge secret he was keeping, while everyone else around you knew. I'm more intelligent than that." He looked to Marlena. "Aren't I, dear?"
"Of course, dear," she agreed, rolling her eyes when he turned his back.
"At least you didn't die!" complained a new voice. They all turned to see a ghostly Hordak standing near the far side of Skeletor's throne room. "That witch Evil-Lyn actually killed me off! ME!"
"You mean Evelyn," Lyn corrected harshly.
"Freudian slip," the ghost snapped.
"Daddy!" Adora cried out, running to Hordak. She ran right through him and hit the wall. She collapsed onto the floor, crying. "You did love me, didn't you? Didn't you?"
"Oh stop sniveling," Hordak snapped. "I liked you better as a Hordesman. You didn't cry so much." Adora wiped her eyes and sniffled, looking so lost that Hordak gave in. "Oh, all right, you blathering babbling basketcase. Yes, I loved you."
"Yes! I knew it!" Adora cried out. She jumped to her feet and went over to Adam. "You owe me ten gold pieces."
"Forget it," he snapped. "I'm fed up with being perfectly good and noble all the time. I'm not paying you."
"Oooh, watch out, the prince is really getting out of control now," Beastman snarled sarcastically.
"Adam, the children," Teela reminded him, glancing at the two still cowering behind Lyn.
Adam deflated a little. "Oh all right." He handed the money over to Adora. "Stupid authors have me so well-trained to be a do-gooder I might as well be a robot," he muttered to himself. He looked over at Skeletor. "Hey bonehead, want to give me some lessons in evil?"
"And go to Blazes? Forget it," Skeletor said, waving his hand. "Besides, you don't need lessons. Just do the opposite of what you usually do."
"Skeletor!" Lana gasped. "Adam, pay him no mind."
"Why not?" the prince returned sulkily. "You got the good end of this deal, after all. You got out of Grayskull, got your own place, rebuilt the relationship with your daughter." He stared at her suspiciously. "Why are you here, Lana? Spying for the writers?"
"Adam, you're like a son to me," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "How can you even say that?"
Adora and Serena both slapped Adam on the back of the head. "Ow!" he said, putting a hand there.
"You deserved it," Teela sniffed. "Don't insult my mother like that."
"I suggest we all focus," Hawk suggested firmly, standing. "Or we'll never figure out how to stop them."
"You have a point, Hawk," said Skeletor, "so what do we need to do to stop them? We have to act quickly, or Little Llama Girl will have me by a campfire singing Kumbaya, and then I'll have to send myself to the Valley of Echoes out of principle."
"Well, I'm not sure we can," said Orko.
"Yeah, for people who claim to love stories of honor, goodness, and truth, they really have a funny way to show it," said Adam, his arms crossed and his frown fixed on his face. "It's bad enough that they are going after me--,"
"US!" everyone shouted indignantly.
"Honestly, Adam, you act like you are the only one whose life they've ruined." Serena crossed her feather-covered arms. "I was an up-and-coming prosecuting attorney on my way to becoming D.A. on Phantos when I just gave it all away to be tricked and feathered and locked away in Grayskull, and when I think about how the take such a vicious delight in twisting our lives to suit their fancy, I know who the real criminals are. And it's not just us." Serena started pacing back and forth as she once did when she argued her cases. "They are the absolute worst when they talk about how they are going to pull stunts to freak out their readers. Sending each other two and three e-mails a day, piling one evil plot on top of another. And laughing like fools."
"They do seem to have a lot of fun with it," said Orko lamely, pulling at his scarf wishing he had something helpful to add.
"That's it," said Skeletor stroking his jawbone thoughtfully. "Maybe if we could take some of the fun out of this for them, they could go get lives of their own and leave ours alone."
"That just might work," agreed Duncan . "They seem to having the most fun with the fact that, at least at the beginning people, won't know that they are working together. I mean did you read Little Llama Girl's review of Transitions 1?" He raised his voice to a sarcastic falsetto. 'The Miro Mystery…Oh…your muse must be working overtime. She knows more about what Miro is hiding than we do. She has been beta reading each of Eveleyn's Stories, and knows more about this Mystery than even we can find out." Man at Arms and narrowed his eyes for a moment. "Unless there's something in your part of the investigations of their transmissions, you're not sharing."
"Wretched wicked wannabe writer," ground out Skeletor missing Duncan 's query.
"Are you?"
"What?" asked Skeletor shaken out of his tirade
"I asked if you were hiding any of the information you uncovered. This truce won't work without equal access to all information available," said Duncan his expression and voice firm.
"You know I'm trying to stay out of Blazes and yet you ask a question like that?" asked Skeletor, pretending offense. He began to whisper angrily so no one but Lyn could hear. "She uncovered the whole ugly story of Dad's fling in the Vine Jungle for everyone to read. And worse she sent it to that sad sadist Evelyn to play with."
"You're just upset that she's shown everyone what a sweet little blue boy you were," Lyn whispered back with a smirk.
"Blast it, you bleached bimbo if you call me blue boy one more time you're gonna be black and blue—," yelled Skeletor.
"Ahem…" interrupted Duncan . "As much as I hate interrupt the lover's spat here. If we can somehow let everyone know what they've been planning together from the beginning and maybe change some of their stories to make them seem less fun, or scramble their author's notes…."
"Or record their conversations and turn their own terrible tricks and tirades against them in their author's notes. Good work you broken-down mechanic," said Skeletor. "That may work."
Duncan flushed and started to say something back when he saw Skeletor's minions staring at their malevolent master, their jaws hanging open.
"What?" asked Duncan, annoyed. "Bone brain over there always insults me."
"He just gave you a compliment," said Tri-Clops, getting angry. "After all the intel I've collected for him over the years, the projects and weapons I've made, even the fancy birthday pastries with the little bone-shaped candies on top," he added with a aggrieved sniff, "I never got one compliment. Not even on his surprise birthday tea."
"Arrgh! You're right Tri-Clops. Compliments…I'm losing my mind," snarled Skeletor. He dropped his fleshless face in his hands and began muttering, "Drat it I even feel guilty for not sending out all of those bone-shaped thank you cards you made me."
"Well," said Tri-Clops sulkily. "I did work half the night on them."
"Enough," shouted Hawk. "So we have a plan. How are we gonna carry it out?"
"Smell bad," Neara said, suddenly running to Skeletor, her hand over her mouth and nose. "Make go 'way." She buried her face against him.
"Ugh, she's right," Trap-Jaw agreed, covering his own nose. Everyone began looking around for the culprit, only to see Teela lounging in Lyn's normal seat, her bare feet propped up on the council table.
"Teela!" Duncan reprimanded her. "Put your boots back on!"
"No way," she said, wiggling her toes in delight. She held up her boots for display. "Have you ever tried to walk in heels this high, much less run or fight in them? It's utterly ridiculous. No one ever writes a story where I take my shoes off and relax. I'm constantly training, battling, getting captured or even blown to bits. My feet have been killing me for ages, and now that there are no writers around to interrupt, I'm taking advantage of it and relaxing."
"Teela's right," Adora agreed, plopping down next to the captain and taking off her own boots. "This is a stupid choice of footwear for warriors." She glowered at her twin. "Your boots look incredibly comfy."
Adam glared back. "I'll trade. I'll wear the stupid high-heel boots, and you can watch Hawk get blown to smithereens before your eyes."
"Would somebody DO something about that smell?" Marlena demanded, leaning back against the wall as she was almost overwhelmed by the stench.
Eager to assist, Orko cracked his fingers as Cringer hid under the table. "Miggle, muggle, smell so strong, disappear and now be gone!" Fragrant flowers of every color and size popped up all over the throne room.
"A-a-achoo!" Duncan sneezed almost loud enough to silence everyone's grumbling. "Oh, blast it, Orko, you've set off my allergies!" His eyes began watering freely.
"And ruined my throne room!" Skeletor yelled, shaking his fists in the air. "You troublesome Trollan, I'll get you for this!"
Orko floated backwards, trembling. "Uh-oh," he said in a wavering voice.
"These people are pathetic," Hawk muttered to Lana, who nodded.
"They're never going to get Evelyn and Little Llama Girl to stop if they don't focus," she agreed.
Skeletor let out a stun ray in Orko's general vicinity. Adam stepped in front of them and blocked it with his sword.
"Leave my friend alone," he commanded.
"Ooh, the prince is peeved," Lyn said. She glanced at Teela. "He's almost as sexy as He-Man when he's not pretending to be a coward."
"Don't I know it," the redhead replied on a sigh. Then she glared at Lyn. "But don't you even think about it. He's mine."
"People, please," Randor shouted. "We must figure out a way to enact our plan."
"But what if they figure it out, and take revenge on us in their stories?" Beastman snarled.
Stunned silence met his words.
"That walking flea condo may actually have a point," Serena said in amazement.
Adam snorted. "Come on, what more could they do? They've killed Skeletor and me, only to bring us back, turned He-Man into a slave, made me think Teela was dead, redeemed Skeletor, killed Hordak…" His voice trailed off.
"They could kill us all off," Cringer whimpered.
"They wouldn't do that," Hawk scoffed. "They wouldn't have a story any more."
"What if they just kill us off and bring in replacements?" Adora asked, horrified at the thought.
"Relax, sis, they can't kill off you and me," Adam assured her. "There's no story without us."
"Thanks a lot, Adam. What about the rest of us?" Teela demanded.
Adam reddened. "I was just trying to make Adora feel better," he muttered.
"What if they kill off me and Marlena?" Randor asked, fear in his words. "They could do that. The stories could continue easily without us. It might even provide an interesting twist for them."
"What if they kill me?" Cringer asked in a wavering voice. "Tigers don't live forever you know. I'm getting old."
"What if they put us in a prison from which there is no escape?" Serena added, frowning.
"What if they make us all come down with some horrible disease, from which there is no cure?" Marlena chimed in.
Orko had had enough. He floated to the center of the room, waving his arms wildly. "What if Skeletor got a sunburn? Would his skin turn purple?"
Micah turned to Skeletor. "Yeah, would it?"
"I don't know," the former overlord of evil snapped. "I don't go out in the sun much. I don't like it."
"I'm a pretty good judge of character," said Hawk a bit pompously, "Even those two tale twisters agree."
"Oooh! Nice alliteration, Hawk!" commented Skeletor. "Drat it! Cankerous compliments ceaselessly cursing my conversation!"
"Say that one ten times fast," Cringer challenged Orko.
"Cankerous compliments," Orko began waving his arms to keep time. Suddenly everyone was doused with notes each offering one backhanded compliment after another.
"Don't say another word," said Adam turning beet-red when he read his "compliment." "It takes a real man to wear purple furry short shorts."
"Hmm, Hmm," Hawk cleared his throat, "as I said a minute ago. I'm a good judge of character."
Adora giggled as she took Hawk's "compliment" from his hair. "Even your compliment says so." Adora then read it aloud. "You are an excellent judge of other's character—too bad you don't have any of your own."
Hawk snatched it from her. "Why you!" he said heading toward Orko, the crumpled compliment in his hand.
Lana and Duncan held him back.
"Focus, Hawk. You were saying," reminded Lana.
Hawk took a few deep breaths and opened his mouth to continue.
"Achoo!" sneezed Duncan explosively. He blew his nose quickly. "Sorry," he said to a very frustrated Hawk.
"As I was saying, I know people. And I don't think they are planning to kill any of us off any time soon. They may be sick in the way they handle things, but they really like us. I think the worst they might do would be to put us in some crazy dream sequence where Beastman is shaved and put in a grass Hula skirt while the rest of us play pin-the-tail on Cringer. Or have us stuck in some marathon three-day long tournament of Monopoly."
"Oh, cool!" said Orko. "I'm gonna buy Castle Grayskull and Park Place."
"Shave Beastman?" said Skeletor's crew in horror.
"That's worse than Kumbaya," groaned Skeletor.
"Well if we don't do something they may yet do it anyway," Lana pointed out reasonably. "They've got to run out of ideas sooner or later. By the way, you know Little Llama Girl is planning to give Lyn some sensible boots. And remember she even set you two up with start-up money when you landed on Carina."
"Yes, and think of all the tender moments Evelyn's written between you and Teela since she returned," Hawk pointed out. "Sure none of this is the way we would have written our scenes, but I do think they mean well—at least most of the time. But if we don't do something we may never get our lives back."
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Then it's decided," said Skeletor. "Tri-Clops, I want Doomseekers tracking their every e-mail, and Llama Girl's blog. I want intel into the latest drafts they have saved on their cursed computers and we will somehow have to find a way to insert our changes into an Earth-style computerized document and send it to their internet on their posts somehow."
"How are you going to do that by the way?" asked Marlena annoyed. "Everytime I mention to Randor that I'd love to talk with my family back home he says it's not possible."
"Who wants to deal with in-laws?" muttered Randor.
"What was that, dear?" asked Marlena sharply.
"Nothing, darling," then looking for a quick way to change the subject, he added, "So who has that kind of magical power?"
Everyone looked at Serena.
"Don't look at me. I'm a flippin' bird remember?" she said crossing her arms. "I have no power outside of that broken down pile of stones called Grayskull."
"Well I can't do it," complained Skeletor. "I can't even yell at Lyn anymore without feeling guilty. Deliberately sabotaging someone else's writing falls under the 'will send me to Blazes' category."
"Same here," said Lyn crossing her arms.
"I would if I could," said Micah sincerely.
"Aww," said Adora and Teela.
"He's just so cute, Adam…come on, there's gotta be someplace quiet and secluded around here," Teela said in a seductive voice, stroking his bicep.
"Teela. We're-not-even-married-yet," Adam said through clenched teeth.
"Exactly, you said you wanted to be bad, so…" Her fingers drifted across his chest.
"Teela!" Randor, Marlena, Lana, and Duncan shouted all at the same time.
Adam started to grin. "You know, I did see this dark alcove just past the main entry."
"Adam!" everyone shouted, shocked that the noble prince would even consider such a thing.
"Enough!" shouted Skeletor. "Someone will have to send it by magic. I haven't found any ISP that will come out this far. Believe me. I tried."
"Well that leaves only one person left," pointed out Duncan with a sneeze.
Everyone looked at Orko.
"Oh no."
"Why not?" asked Adam turning toward his friend. "You're the one that pointed out how silly we were to be afraid of them in the first place."
"It's just what if they put pictures of me without my hat and scarf on the internet? I don't think I could bear the humiliation."
"I hate to tell you this," said Trap-Jaw. "But I came across a site the other day when I was checking on what these two were doing, where you and Dree-Elle were shown without your hats and scarves. They didn't post to it, but Little Llama Girl was talking with her friends about how lovely the artwork was. Oh, and Dree-Elle is hot. Especially in the picture where all she is wearing is that bikini!" he added with a metallic whistle.
"What?" shouted Orko incensed. "That's it!" he said, cracking his knuckles. "It's on. Get the intelligence together and we're going to rain on their little parade." With a flash of brilliant light a large thundercloud appeared overhead, and rain began to pour on everyone. The conspirators ran screaming and the flowers all over the throne room began to grow rapidly, turning the once-menacing throne room of evil into a lovely multi-tiered garden with blossoms in every color of the rainbow.
"Orko!" everyone screamed and chased the small Trollan down the corridors of Snake Mountain.
Author's Notes:
I hope everyone enjoyed this little moment of fluff. Evelyn CMD and LittleLlamaGirl will still be writing this. They're having too much fun with it not to. However, they don't want to waste space with something that bores everyone. If readers show interest, the will clean up and post further chapters, but they will stay away from it if this doesn't entertain you.
On behalf of LittleLlamaGirl, EvelynCMB, and me, Mutiny OCD for short, have a wonderful evening.