Hello there,
Long time no see. Ms. Inspiration visited me again, and here I am. I wrote this story within 2 hours. I told myself I should go to bed, and then my inspiration didn't let me. I just need to get it out of my system. I didn't have any beta this time because I was too eager to post, all the ideas came to me too fast, so... forgive me if there is any mistake.
This is my two cents about what will happen in 707 - when Steve and Catherine meet each other again and Doris is involved.
"When there is no love, there is no pain" - I've been thinking about this sentence quite a lot lately. It's actually from a fanfiction that I read 9 or 10 years ago - somehow this sentence got stuck in my head all those years. Thank you - the author who originally wrote it and inspired me to write this story for McRoll!
Thanks for reading and I hope you will enjoy the story! I'd really appreciate if you guys could take time leaving a comment.
Disclaimer: All rights reserved for CBS and the managing team of Hawaii 5-0.
In love and Pain
"How bad is it?"
"Huh?"
"How bad is your wound?"
"How do you know?"
"I always can tell if you're in pain."
"Right, I almost forget how much you can read me", Catherine let out a sigh that she didn't even know she was holding, giving up on keeping it from him. She's exhausted, inside and out, after everything she's been through for the past few days. And sitting next to him on this plane clearly didn't help, because her heart ached every second thinking back about the future of her relationship with the man she loved the most. Realisation hit her.
No, there wouldn't be any future between them.
That's what hurt her the most, more than any physical pain she's experiencing.
He's with Lynn right now. He's in a good place. If he's happy, she's happy. She had promised to herself, as long as he's safe and happy, she would be willing to sacrifice anything, even without getting anything back.
"How bad? Where did you get hurt?"
"It's really nothing. I can take care of myself", Catherine closed her eyes, leaning on the chair behind her. "I deserve that, Steve."
Her reply surprised them both. She's still her, being stubborn and all. But this reply implied something more than that. Steve could hear the tiredness and hopeless in her voice. It's like she treated him like a stranger like he didn't have the right to care for her. His heart constricted as if someone was squeezing his heart.
"Catherine, I need to know", even he could tell his voice got a bit emotional, "I need to know so that I could estimate how to accomplish the mission", he tried to cover it by showing the professional side of him, but he failed miserably.
"One bullet on my shoulder. One cut on my left arm. Didn't get much sleep. Couldn't afford the time."
"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
"No."
There was a long silence between them. Catherine did everything she could to block the image of him and the blondie girl in his house together. She didn't know she was silently crying until she felt the warmth of Steve's hand on her face, wiping out her tears.
"Sorry. I was just...", she turned her back to him. Feeling the warmth from his hand leaving her – even when that was her choice, always had been her choice – killed every cell inside her body, cutting her bleeding heart into pieces.
"Can we talk?"
"No, not right now. We both need to focus 100%. We can't let any kind of distraction get in."
"This will be a long flight", Steve defended, trying to get her to talk. They had never found the time to have a quality talk. Work had always gotten between them. All of a sudden, he realized that sometimes, he hated his job for ruining everything he had built with the woman he has loved.
After everything, he still had to admit she was still the only woman he has loved, regardless of everything she did. It was not solely her fault anyway.
"Can you just look at me? Do you really hate me so much that you can't even look into my eyes?"
"Steve, I can't. You know it's not because I hate you. Don't talk like that! Get some sleep maybe."
"How am I supposed to sleep right now? You show up in front of my door telling me my mom is in trouble, dragging me to this plane without telling me anything else. The last thing I need is sleep, Catherine. I need some sort of explanation, anything, give me."
"Does it change anything now? We have a mission ahead to complete. I don't want our last time being together ending up with a fight or anything like that."
"What do you mean by saying the last time being together?", his voice got angry again. He didn't know what he expected when she showed up again, crawling right back into his heart after 30 seconds. She intended to leave again?
"I promise you... I didn't come back to leave you behind, I had no choice. You were the only option, otherwise, I wouldn't bother you. I won't interfere your life one more time. You deserve better, Steve. You've been through a lot. That girl seems... to be the right girl. I hope she is the right girl", Catherine couldn't help clenching her lips, trying to hide all her emotions piling up inside of her.
"She doesn't hurt me like you do, that's for sure."
"Good, that's... good, I guess", Catherine steeled herself. She needed to maintain her calm, this mission was too important for her to fail, Doris meant too much for her. She just needed to be convinced that there was someone who cared about Steve as much as she did, then she would learn to accept that.
She turned to look at him, and couldn't believe what she saw in his eyes. Anger, pain and... love. He looked much older than the last time she saw him, he looked more tired than she would like to remember, and that was something that killed her, more than the way her wounds were torturing her under her clothes.
The next thing she knew was Steve kissing her. Gently. Yet deeply. Emotionally.
And she could taste the saltiness of his tears as well as hers. She could feel his heartbeat beating along with hers. She could feel his hands touching her star tattoo. Just like the good old days.
"Steve", she touched his face, her hands running along his cheeks, this time, it was her wiping his tears away. "Steve, we can't do this. You have a girlfriend at home. She doesn't deserve this."
"It wasn't like that." Steve leaned towards Catherine, stealing another kiss.
"But she doesn't make me feel like this, like when I kiss you. She doesn't hurt me. She doesn't make me feel weak in the knees either."
"Steve, no, we can't."
"She has a boyfriend."
"What?"
"She is seeing someone else. It's casual. It's not exclusive. What's going on between me and her wasn't like what we had, what we shared along those years."
"She wasn't the only girl I slept with since you left. I jumped at every girl who showed interest in me."
"You weren't that kind of man before. You never were."
"The current me isn't the same guy you fell in love with. A part of me – the best version – died the day you left. I lost my way somehow, somewhere along the way. I was just trying to protect myself from suffering from abandonment issue. I was trying to prove to myself that I was worth it. I can't recognise myself anymore. Every day I look to the mirror before going to work, finding every version of every term Danny uses to call me: animal, killing machine, emotionless bastard... I just can't the version I like the most about myself – the version whenever I'm with you, the Smooth Dog guy who was so bent on chasing after his Lieutenant – the loyal type of guy."
"I think I succeeded in convincing people that I was really moving on from you, that I was really happy with Lynn. But the truth is that I'm not. I still need to convince myself every day that I can live happily without you. But as long as you show up, the whole universe around me changes."
"Steve... I don't know what to say... I had no choice...", Hearing the strong man in front of her bravely confess the darkest secret of him really broke Catherine's heart. She drew him in closer, hugged him tightly.
"I got to the point when I was convinced "When there is no love, there is no pain". I'm tired of having my heart ripped out, I'm tired of being left by the woman I love the most, I convinced myself to try different things. I kissed, I got laid, I enjoyed the nights with them, but when I suffered, I didn't know where to turn to, who to talk to. I didn't want to share my burdens, my sorrow with them. None of those girls felt right, even Lynn. When I was in the operation room, I thought I was going to die. I thought I heard your voice, I hoped I could see you when I woke up. You were the first image that came to me the moment I woke up. That was like a bang to me when I realized you actually weren't there. I realized that I still loved you, but also realized that I would never be able to find someone like you – who make me feel every single emotion to the extreme. But I was a coward, I didn't dare to come back to that dark place of my life where I waited for your texts, your calls everyday, knowing that they wouldn't come. When there is no love, there is no pain. I learnt to deceive myself that I can live happily, but I'm not that happy. I don't know who I am without you, Catherine. Do you understand?"
Steve looked straight at Catherine's eyes, feeling totally comfortable talking to her. He knew she always get him to the level no one else does.
He's willing to go through every level of emotion, even the worst pain, to be with her, even just for one day.
Because he's in love with her.
When there is love, there will be some sort of pain.
But it's all worth it.
More than worth it.
Looking at her eyes, Steve knew her answer. At this point, he didn't care how many lies she would be forced to throw at him, how many times she would be forced to leave him, he's willing to go through all of that.
As long as at the moment, they can be together. Very much in love.
She's worth all the pain.
"I was going to propose before you left, Catherine."
Catherine gasps, couldn't believe in what she just heard. She should have known... He was acting quite differently that day, when he was in the office calling her, relaxed, happy, saying he would take her to her favourite Sushi place on King Street.
She was such an idiot!
"Don't say "Sorry" again! It's all water under the bridge now."
"I won't say "Sorry", because honestly if I have to choose again, I will do the same thing. No regret. Everything I am doing right now, it is to protect you. You didn't say sorry when you risked everything to rescue me when I was kidnapped. I was doing the same thing. I thought I would never be able to explain it to you, but now we're here, I will. Full explanation. No holding back. Just not right now."
"Fair enough. I understand. We have a mission ahead, a mission we can't fail. Let's do it, bring Doris back, and we go from there!"
"Let's do this!", Catherine's hand embraced his hand, drawing his hand to her lips, placing a soft kiss there.
"Do me a favour, Cath!"
"Of course! Anything! Just name it!"
"Give us a second chance!"
"Steve, I love you!"
A radiant smile on Catherine's face made Steve feel alive again, after such a heart-felt talk. Her three words sound like music to his ears, and he's happy to respond to it this time by a "I love you, too", followed by a passionate kiss.
No matter what would happen in the next 24 hours, he knew at least he has a bright future to look forward to.
THEY... have a future to look forward to.
Thank you for reading until the end! If you read my tweets on Twitter, you probably will classify me as a Catherine's fan, but actually, I am a Steve's fan. It's just I love Catherine on her own, but I love Steve when he's with Cath, and when he's not, he's nothing to me. I dont know why, it's very weird, but whenever writing fictions or even just thinking about them in my head, I always think from his perspective (that's why I turn to hate the Steve's version on the show - who cheated and bla bla bla - i don't even watch). This is not the first time this happens, I've always had trouble thinking how to write Catherine's dialogues. It's noticeable that Steve has more dialogues and longer dialogues than Cath's. It's way easier for me to approach things from Steve's mind.
Just a short rant. Thank you! Leave a review if you can! See you next time!