Back kick

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She was watching the television without really paying attention to it. She just couldn't believe what happened. All that mess. All those words. Her dad kept asking her if she was okay, and she kept answering

"Yes dad, I'm fine."

She wasn't very convincing though, hence the repetition of her dad's questions. Her mind was so far away from the show on TV, so far away from her body sitting in the couch in their living room. All her thoughts were on the blonde girl who broke her heart just few days ago. And she did it so well and so hard that sometimes Kat felt like it wasn't beating anymore. She missed so many pieces of it, so many pieces Lily stole and never gave back. She hated herself for being so pathetic. Lily had got over her; that was obvious. So why was she still so desperately in love with her?

"It's over Kat okay? I'm sorry but it is, I mean I don't feel it anymore, I can't..." the blonde started when Kat asked her some explanations.

"But how? When and...Christ Lily!" was all the redhead managed to say. She couldn't express her desperation but most of all she just could not believe the girl in front of her. The girl she fell so hard for, the funny and sweet girl that was Lily Loveless. Was indeed. Because the past few weeks, their relationship had turned so sour it was becoming unbearable. Lily began to flirt with boys while Kathryn was watching her, powerless. She went to parties without telling the little twin. She was just being so distant... Thing is, Kat couldn't tell anyone. She couldn't make a scene when Lily was dancing with some random guy whose rough hands were all over her slim waist, because they never told anyone. Lily didn't want to. And, truth be told, Kathryn wasn't sure she would have wanted people to know either.

It was so new to them both when it happened, so weird. They were just friends. Then sexual tension appeared and things got fucked up very fast. Before they even realised what was happening between them, Kat had named it Love. She knew it was love. She felt it with every fibre of her body. She was addicted to the bleached blonde. It was playful at the beginning. Sweet e-mails, late night text messages, little gifts. Love was all around, literally. The cast didn't know, even if it was obvious to everybody endowed with eyes that they were very close and intimate. Most of their free afternoons were spent at one or the other's empty house, kissing and watching movies, fingers and legs intertwined. Fairy-tale like. It all felt perfect, despite the hiding thing which, let's be honest, made it much more exciting. Perfect until that day, that very day Kathryn would have given anything to forget. It's the day everything began to fall apart. It was a month after the end of the shooting. Lily and Kat were still seeing each other very often but they wanted to gather the rest of the cast once again so Lily threw a big party at hers. Her parents were out for the whole week, and Kathryn had spent most of it in the huge beautiful house that was Lily's. She helped planning it and preparing the house and was really glad to see her friends again. The peroxide blonde had also invited some friends of hers and asked every member of the cast to do so, so they could "enlarge their circle ofacquaintanes".

Kat was dancing in the middle of the living room, lost in a crowd of unknown faces, when she saw Lily's distinctive hair at the other end of the room. The fair colour easily spotted through the flashlights began to move toward her. She closed her chocolate eyes and pretended not to notice the blonde's presence until she felt hands on her waist. A bit surprised at first, she relaxed into the familiar soft touch and her opening eyes were instantly met by azure ones. Nobody around them seemed to notice their proximity and if they did, they probably would have forgotten by the end of the party given the amount of alcohol and other kinds of stuff circulating. The redhead's hands naturally lifted up to join behind Lily's neck, just as they always did when they were kissing. Only here the girls were just languorously dancing, oblivious to everything else but their own bodies. Kat closed her eyes again, conscious that it was the best way to fully enjoy the moment. She just focused on every touch and let herself get lost into the sensation. She could picture Lily's fingers leaving a red trail everywhere they passed and her heart skipped a beat when the said trail went down her stomach. Her eyelids fluttered open when she felt warm lips across her skin. Lily had closed the empty space between them and was now exploring her neck with her tongue. She kissed her way up to Kathryn's mouth to finally kiss her lips ever so softly. It felt different this time, the redhead had noticed. Their kisses were always full of passion and desire, yet here it just seemed desperate as well. Lily was losing herself into the redhead's arms and she usually never did this. She was the strong one, the one the little twin relied on when she was sad or when something was on her mind. This time Kathryn felt like she was holding their embrace alone. Their tongues continued to dance in parallel with their bodies' motions, oblivious to the music, crowd and flashlights. Every gesture was sweet; Lily's touch was lighter than usual, as if she was afraid to break the little redhead in her arms. She slipped her hands under Kat's shirt and gently stroked her bare skin, tracing her way up and down her chest. Kat sighed heavily at the softness of it all. It was killing her. She needed Lily's warm body against hers, like she was aching for her. Lily slowly grabbed both of Kathryn's hands and imprisoned them above her head, pinning the redhead against a wall. Crimson lips still against pastel pink ones, the taller girl eventually released their intertwined fingers to palm Kat's face. She let her thumbs caress the little twin's cheeks while she kissed her and finally pulled off to look into these deep brown eyes. It seemed like she was having an inner debate. Kathryn kept her eyes locked with Lily's, trying to decipher the intense look she was confronted to. She was dying to kiss her again but she felt like if she did any move, Lily would disappear in an instant. Somehow though, she felt wet lips back against hers before she could make a choice. The feverish kiss made her insanely wet and she couldn't help moaning against Lily's mouth. This latter took the redhead's warm hand into hers and dragged her across the room. They ended up half naked in Lily's room, fumbling their way to her bed, tripping over their own clothes. Lily climbed on to of Kat, devoring her neck with kisses while her hands were busy getting rid of her underwear. Kat cupped the blonde's face to bring it back upward and kiss her but Lily stopped only few inches from her lips.

"Let me." She whispered.

And so Kathryn let her. She let the blonde kiss her way down her chest, she let her hand slide into her thighs, she let her tongue work on her clit until she came. Lily rested on the top of her while she was breating heavily, trying to calm her heartbeat. For the third time this evening, blue eyes stared into brown ones with the same indescribable intensity.

"I love you." Kathryn whispered.

She could sense something was coming, something she may not like. But she couldn't help loving Lily, and screw her intuition screaming in her head. She was only thinking with her heart.

"I know." Lily answered in the same soft tone. Her azure eyes were staring at her so intensely that Kathryn felt as if Lily could read through her soul.

Her forehead was pressed against the redhead's who had changed her life, but it was beyond her control. Their eyes stayed locked for what seemed like hours, there was no time anymore. She just wanted to get lost one last time, she wanted to feel that deep oblivion feeling she only knew through these chocolate pools. She leaned in once again, one last time, and softly kissed her lips before letting go of her face, her eyes, and her heart. She slowly got up, put her dress back on and exited the room without looking back.

Kathryn didn't make a move. She was frozen by their moment and still locked in the unreal perfection of the past minutes. She saw the blonde head disappearing into the corridor through blurry eyes and knew that everything had just changed. Without any word, but thanks to a few gestures and looks, everything had changed.

"Stop freaking zoning out Kat!" Megan shouted out.

"I'm not!" came the angry answer.

But the fact that she startedat her sister's accusation said otherwise. In fact, her feet had never really touched the ground again since she had last seen Lily, who was nowhere to be found now.

"Yeah sure" Megan answered sarcastically. "Now come on, let's have some fun." She gripped her twin's hand to be sure that she would follow.

They walked through the house Kat now knew by heart and eventually ended up in the living room again. People were still dancing, drinking, laughing, like nothing mattered. The redhead looked at all these people she didn't know; she envied them for being so carefree. Suddenly in the ocean of unfamiliar faces, she spotted the only person she could have recognized her eyes closed. Their eyes met for a very short instant before Lily turned around, her back to the confused redhead. Despite Megan's insistent looks to go to the dancefloor, Kathryn stayed still, her eyes wide open in shock staring at Lily, and at the tall guy by her sides whose hands were pressed on her low back. She couldn't handle anymore; she turned around and left the room, feeling dizzy. The first tears fell down her cheeks when she stepped outside. She sat down on the few steps in front of the house and rested her head in her arms. Nobody noticed she was gone, and she hoped nobody would find out anytime soon. The music was covering her sobs and she tried to focus on the loud voices so asnot to hear those inside her head.

The rest of the night went on unnoticed while Kathryn remained in her blurred state. Days became weeks and this insane game kept going on. The unofficial break-up was not enough. She couldn't stand it anymore. She needed to know why. She went to Lily's and that's when it happened.

"So you just don't love me anymore?" Kathryn tried to sound casual but obviously failed, not able to restrain the despair invading her voice.

Lily glanced at her briefly before looking away.

"Look Kat...I'm sorry" she said.

And that was it. She had listened to the rest of the conversation as if she was just a spectator watching her own break up, not even conscious of the words escaping from her lips. It was five days ago. And since then she was like a ghost haunting her own house.

She said goodnight to her family and climbed the stairs with the same defeated look on her face. Megan was worried, she didn't get to spend much time with her sister but when she could, she would rather see her happy. And the fake smiles and theunconvincing "Yeah I'm fine" were only good for parents who didn't want to get involved in teenage drama. Yet she had a slight idea about what was going on with her twin sister and it was strange enough to confuse her. She didn't want things to be awkward with Kat. She took a deep breath and followed her sister into her room.

"What are you doing here Meg?"

"We gotta talk." The younger twin stated.

"About what?"

"About you Kat. Come on, are you fucking suicidal or something?" She asked on a light tone but couldn't hide the concern in her voice.

"I'm not. I'm fine. Goodnight Meg."

"I'm not leaving this room until we sort this out. Now tell me what the fuck is going on with Lily?" And the moment she said the name out loud, she knew she was right because Kathryn's eyes suddenly went down to her feet and she stayed still and silent.

Megan walked to her twin's bed and patted the place next to her, motioning her sister to join her. They both sat silently before Kathryn finally let out a sigh.

"I'm sorry."

"About what?" Megan asked, confused.

"This, I mean, not telling you, messing things up, being sad all the time...I just can't help it...Lily and I are not getting on really well lately and...and I miss her." She said while silent tears rolled on her cheeks. It seemed so far from the truth, so insignificant compared to the real despair she was feeling. What was the point in waking up if she couldn't feel the love filling her heart without feeling pathetic and sad? It was as if she was not allowed to love her anymore since it had stopped being reciprocal. But how could she ever tell this to her sister? She didn't even know if she had ever been in love. How do you explain to someone who doesn't know love that there's no point anymore when it's gone? How do you explain the sudden blindness and happiness you're sunk into when in love? And how hard reality hits you when it's over?

She felt an arm around her shoulder and slowly leaned into her sister's embrace. Maybe she didn't have to explain. Maybe she could just feel it.

"You should talk to her."

"What? No!"

"Come on Kat, you two may not be as close as you used to be, but you still know her better than everybody else! And she...you know...she's changed a bit lately." Meg said hesitantly.

"What d'you mean?" Kathryn asked, curious and confused.

"Well y'know...She's different. But not in a really good way. I mean she's being bitchy more often and she doesn't joke like she used to."

"Oh." She knew that. She knew the new Lily wasn't the one she fell in love with. She wasn't sweet and funny, she didn't laugh anymore, not really. She missed her so much it hurt every time she thought about it.

Megan turned a little so she could make eye contact with her sister. "I think she misses you too Kat."

Kat's brown eyes stared into the similar ones of her twin.

"Maybe you could call her and have a little talk?" Meg continued.

"She won't answer." Kathryn answered bitterly.

"Well I'll call her then."

Kathryn was too desperate to resist her sister's attempt to change the awful situation she was in. She watched Megan take out her phone and dial Lily. Despite the late hour, they both knew Lily won't be sleeping already. The past few weeks she had spent her evenings in random clubs, getting drunk and doing other things Kathryn didn't want to know about.

"Yeah?" Meg put on the loudspeaker and Lily's question echoed in the quiet room.

"Hi, it's Megan, I was thinking it's been a while we haven't seen each other, what about a coffee and a little chitchat?"

"Erm...Yeah why not..."

"Okay then, tomorrow at 2, let's meet at the park and enjoy the sun." Megan concluded before the blonde could say anything.

"Okay see ya then."

And she hung up without any word about Kathryn.

It was a sunny day. But she didn't want to go. She had already tried seven dresses and skirts and couldn't find any to her taste. She eventually put back on the blue dress she liked the most before turning to Megan who had silently witnessed her sister's agitation.

"This one's good." She stated. "Come on, you're gonna be late".

Kat checked her silvery watch. 1.45pm. She had been dizzy the whole morning but now she felt like she was about to throw up. She had not seen Lily a lot since the day she came at her house, and it was always with the rest of the cast.

She arrived at the park at 2pm sharp and was greeted by the joyful laughter of a bunch of kids playing and running all over the place. She walked automatically toward a spot where they used to meet next to a pond. It wasn't a coincidence. They found it funny to have their place just like Emily and Naomi. Kathryn didn't really think about it, her feet just carried her there as if they had a mind on their own. Once again, she thought about the parallel with Naomi and Emily when Katie set Naomi up, pretending to be her twin. Only this time she was the impostor.

She saw the peroxide blonde leaning against a tree, back to her, and quietly approached.

"I can hear you." Lily said.

Kathryn didn't answer. She felt uncomfortable, unsure about how to reveal her identity. Before she could say anything, she heard:

"I know it's you Kat. Your step's different from Megan's. I kind of guessed you'd come, or I wouldn't have waited next to the lake." She continued softly.

The redhead froze and remembered that nobody else knew about the pond. It was their place, where they could meet safely. She had instinctively walked to it, oblivious of the fact that Megan didn't know it. She closed the space between them and sat next to her friend.

"Hey" she whispered. "Sorry...about this." She said, feeling guilty about the trick.

Azure eyes finally met brown ones.

"It's okay."

Kathryn tried to keep the eye contact but she couldn't and looked down when she murmured:

"I missed you."

She was waiting for something like "I know" or "I'm sorry but it's just the way it has to be" but she was taken aback by a warm hand taking hers.

"Me too."

Where was the bitchy Lily from the past few weeks? They locked eyes again and Kat didn't even bother to fight against the fog invading her brain. She tried to read the truth in those pristine blue eyes and her heart was just dying to trust her, to love her again completely and desperately. But her mind said otherwise. She had made her suffer so much. Was it worth it? Would she risk breaking what was left of her already shattered heart?

Her body spoke for her when she started rubbing the blonde's hand with her thumb instinctively. When she realised what she was doing, she stared at their hands, and the fact that it all felt so natural and so right hit her. She could have stayed here like this forever.

It was exactly like it was back then, when they got on perfectly. She was lost in this sudden change of attitude and a little voice inside was telling her not to get her hopes up. However she had no choice but to shut down this annoying voice when Lily leaned in and kissed her. Like that. Completely out of the blue. The familiar taste of her lips made her heart melt just like the first time they kissed. It was really sweet and cautious. Neither of the girls was sure about what they were doing but neither of them stopped. Lily's hand hesitantly grabbed the redhead's waist to pull her closer. Kathryn leaned into her touch and bit her bottom lip to ask for entrance. Eager passion made its way through carefulness until Lily pulled back, breathless. Their eyes locked again and Kathryn stared at the indefinable expression on the blonde's face. She wanted to lean in and to feel these lips against hers again and forever. She noticed that Lily's right hand was still on her lower back and prayed for her to let it stay there. It felt so good to be held again, even by the slightest touch. It was like they were looking at each other for the first time. Intensely and curiously, discovering each of their features with attention. And yet it all seemed so familiar. Maybe it was because they hadn't spent time together for a while, or maybe it was actually the first time they really paid attention to each other. They were sitting there still and silent until Lily finally spoke.

"I...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Kathryn."

The redhead noticed that it was one of the rare times she called her by her entire name. She only used it when she was pissed off or particularly sincere. The thing is, she couldn't say it was nothing. She couldn't forgive her even if she wanted to. It had been so hard for her, and it still was. She couldn't erase the past few weeks and the way Lily treated her.

"I didn't know what to do. It was too much..." the blonde tried to explain. "I love you". She whispered.

Kathryn nodded but she glanced away, past Lily's shoulders. The lake was plain and calm, so different from her inner state. Her eyes wandered back onto the blue ones and she frowned, silently questioning Lily.

"I know." Lily answered. Somehow they were still able to talk without words and despite all she did to her, Lily still understood her like nobody else and Kathryn was grateful for that. "I should have told you." She continued.

Silence fell over them both, enveloping their hidden feelings and unsaid questions. Not knowing what to do, Kat just leaned in and put her arms around Lily to hug her. She wanted to say that everything was going to be okay, she wanted to reassure her, she wanted to believe in them. Words got lost in her throat so she just pulled Lily tighter into her embrace and rested her head on the blonde's shoulder. She felt Lily's body shaking a little and heard her sob. Gently running her hand up and down her back, she let the words escape her lips anyway, even if she couldn't really believe it.

"It's okay" she said softly. "I'm here, it's okay."