Generation: Phantom



Act 1: "Questioning the Welcome Mat" Brought to you by Captain Obvious .

NOTE: I do not, nor have I ever, owned POTO . I did, however, create the 'Surrogate Phantom.' I don't know if anyone would actually want to, but, just for the record, please don't steal him.

(Scene: In the Manager's office of the Paris Opera House. One year after "POTO .")

Andre: (sorting through mail) "Bill, bill, sweepstakes, bill..."

Firmin: (barging in) "Hey, that sign has been put up! *whew* (wipes forehead) It's hard watching people work! Where's the Lemonade?"

Andre: (still sorting) "We're all out. Check the fridge. *a pause* What the- ? What the heck is this? (scans the letter.) Aw, man! Our car insurance bill didn't go through!"

Firmin: "What?! Why not! I put a stamp on it this time !"

Andre: (reading letter) "'Dear Sirs. I'm afraid you have mailed your car insurance bill to the wrong location. You want "Geico," not "Gecko." When will you people learn?!'"

*blinking*

Firmin: "That's it. we're getting email. "

Andre: "Hey, here's something interesting ..... (reading letter) "Dear Messieurs Andre and Firmin. Hey! What's up? Yeah, well, I don't know if he told you, but my uncle is gone. He was grumbling about how he's 'had enough,' so he packed up and said that he was going for a loooong vacation in some, preferrably tropical climate. Anway, he can't just leave the Opera unattended, now can he? I mean, you two obviously couldn't run a daycare center, let alone an Opera House, so he hired me to be the "Surrogate Phantom " around here . I intend to wreak the same havoc on this building and all of its occupants, in an attempt to fill my uncle's shoes. Just writing to let you know. Have a Nice Day. :) ~ S.G. (Surrogate Ghost) P.S. Can you guys get email, or what? I mean, c'mon. Let's move with the times."

Firmin: "Well that was different."

Andre: "I'll say. The Real Ghost would never use emoticons or say "Have a Nice Day,"

Firmin: "So..... The Ghost has a nephew?"

Andre: *shrugs* "Whoda thought?"

(Christine bursts in)

Firmin: "Christine Daae!?" (she takes off her cloak, revealing a ridiculous mass of curly, blonde hair.) "Or perhaps 'Malibu Chrissy?'"

Andre: "Care to share?"

Christine: (staring at them) "Huh?

Firmin: "Your hair. It's freakishly blonde."

Christine: (nonchalantly) "Oh, this. *sigh* It's all my stylist's fault. She's a foreigner, poor dear, and I specifically said wash and blow dry, but you know these Americans. Everything's just Blonde, Blonde, Blonde!"

Andre: (under his breath) "It's about time your hair color matched your personality."

Christine: "Come again ?"

Andre: "Nothing. Why are you here ?"

Christine: "Oh! Sorry, hey listen, well, I saw your 'Auditions ' sign out front, and I thought, 'Well, really. That's just silly. I don't need an Audition ! I'm Christine, for heaven's sake! So, when do I start?"

Firmin: (rubs back of neck) "Well...."

Andre: "We thought that you wouldn't be back, seeing as how you had that whole rather *ahem* embarassing experience only about a year ago with-"

Christine: (jumping in) "Yeah, yeah. We all know the story. Well, I decided to swallow my pride and give you guys a break."

Firmin: "Translation : Raoul is not exactly 'Mr. Casanova.'" (He and Andre snicker)

Christine: "*gasp* Who told you? Wait-Did you read my letter in 'Ann Landers?'"

Andre: "What?"

Firmin: "C'mon, Christine. You don't really have to be 'Captain Obvious ' to figure that one out ."

Christine: "So can I have my job back, or what?"

(Carlotta bursts in)

Carlotta: "Your prayers have been answered , Gentlemen."

Andre: "We really need a lock for that door."

Firmin: "What are you doing here ?"

Carlotta: "I saw your 'Auditions' sign out front, so I thought I'd make your lives a little easier."

Andre: (eagerly ) "So your leaving?"

Carlotta: "*scowls* When do I start ?"

Christine: "Never. The position has been filled."

Carlotta: (yelling) "But I had a contract!"

Christine: "Not anymore. Don't think of it as being fired. How about, 'Your being let go, your department is downsizing, we're going in different directions-'"

Firmin: (cutting her off) "I'm afraid we can't allow you to finish that thought, Miss Daae. We're in enough trouble with Disney as it is. "

Christine: "Sorry."

Carlotta: "You can't be serious ! This Trailer-Park Trash is filling MY position!? She won't last a week !"

Christine: (about to say something 'not nice,' when Piangi bursts in.)

Andre: "You know, just because the mat says "Welcome -"

Piangi: "(cutting him off) Hey, woman! Let's hurry it up, huh? 'Gilligan' is on in, like , five minutes ! (acknowledging Christine's hair.) You know, Blonde hair is like Prozac; it's not for everyone."

Carlotta: "These idiots have already given my job to HER! *points finger at Christine * Once again , the rug has been pulled out from under us!"

Piangi: "Beg pardon? Us? 'Scuze me , Chica, but I have washed my hands of this whole place! It's a total Looney Bin!"

Firmin: (grinning ) "Is it ever !"

Andre: "Look, the fact of the matter is that we really don't know who the new Prima Donna is, seeing as how you both walked in and demanded it . "

Carlotta: "Well, I'm not leaving until the decision is made !"

Christine: "Neither am I !"

Piangi: "What?! You crazy woman! I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving ! This is more messed up than a Prison Reunion!"

Carlotta: (grabbing him by the coattails) "Oh no you don't ! If I don't leave, you don't leave!" (Piangi pouts.)

Christine: "Hey! No fair! If he participates, than so does Raoul!"

Firmin: (poking through the fridge again ) "Hey! Who drank all the Frappacinos?"

Christine: "Where IS Raoul, anyway?"

(Raoul attempts to burst in, but rams up against the door instead . Flailing about, he bangs on the glass, looking confused )

Raoul: (from behind the door) "What's going on? Why can't I get in? Help!"

Christine: "Turn the knob, Raoul." (turning to the others.) "Sorry. The doors at our house are usually open, or a servant opens them for him. He's working on it, though."

Raoul: (jumping in, enthusiastically ) "Hey, my dogs!"

Firmin: "Forget the lock. We need a bouncer."

Raoul: "Hey, Christine! There was a SALE! at 'Basket World!'"

Andre: "Really? Dang, and I missed it!"

Raoul: "What's going on here ? (turning to Andre and Firmin) Hey, I know you!"

Firmin: (to Christine) "Does he get a treat for that?"

Christine: (to Raoul) "Raoul, Sweetie, would it be alright with you if I stayed here until this little disagreement is worked out?"

Raoul: (attempting to tie his shoe) "Uh-huh . Dang! Why can't I get this? Let's see, 'Over, under, around the tree.....'"

Carlotta: "Hey wait a minute! I thought you wanted him involved with this!" (stares at Raoul, struggling with his shoelace.) "Oh, I see. Well fine ! If you don't need him, I don't need YOU either!" (turns to Piangi.)

Piangi: "Okay, whatever. The Take-out number is still on the fridge, right ?"

Andre: "Hold it, hold it! What do you women think you're doing? Despite what the sign says, this is not the Holiday Inn!"

Firmin: "Yeah , we really gotta change that."

Andre: "You can't stay here ! Who knows how long this could take! I know from personal experience that women can stay mad for a very long time ."

Firmin: "Still sleeping on the couch, huh?"

Andre: "Oh yeah ."

Raoul: "The couch is my bed, too!"

Firmin: "Why am I not surpirsed?"

Andre: "Look, we're all civilized people here , right ? (looks at Carlotta, who is beginning to resemble an angry gorrilla, and at Raoul, who is attempting to touch his tongue to his nose.) Well, most of us. Can't we work this out in a civilized way?"

Carlotta: "I don't have time to be civilized! I want an answer ! (stamps foot, putting a hole in the floor, causing plaster to fall on the New Phantom.)

Phantom: "Ow!"

Carlotta: "Oops."

Christine: *peering through the hole* "Who was that?"

Andre/Firmin: "Uh-"

Carlotta: (jumping in) "Since you obvioulsy don't have a brain between the two of you, I'll give you a day to make your decision. Honestly, why isn't anyone suave and sophisticated like me anymore?" (attempts to flounce out of the office, but rams into the closed door instead.)

Christine: (patiently) "Turn the knob, Carlotta."

Carlotta: "*grunting Spanish profanities*"

Firmin: "Wait! Before you go, there's probably something you should know about-" (a vase and an assortment of random office appliances fall from the ceiling and land with a crash on the desk.)

Phantom: (from above) "Sorry."

Firmin: (looking up) "No problem ."

Andre: "Aagh! I just refinished that thing!"

Christine: (confused) "Erik?"

Carlotta: "You mean he's STILL here ?"

Firmin: "Well, uh, no. Not exactly . That's his nephew, the 'Surrogate Ghost.'"

(Raoul begins blowing bubbles.)

Christine: "Raoul, what did I say? Not inside ." (Raoul puts bubbles away and pouts.)

Piangi: "Surrogate Ghost? How come he get's a stunt double and I never did?"

Andre: "Well, you see, to need a stunt double, you kind of have to be able to do stunts first ."

Christine: "Erik has a nephew?"

Andre: *shrugs* "Whoda thought?"

Carlotta: "Whatever. Just keep him away from us this time . I'll be in my trailor."

Firmin: "Oh, we don't really have trailors anymore. Do you know how hard it is to get 45 dancers into one of those things? Mme Giry had to grease them with suntan lotion just so they could get out the door! We went back to the dressing rooms. "

Christine: "Is mine still available?"

Andre: "Are you kidding? You're like the Plague! The Ballet girls wanted to torch your room in some weird exorcism ritual, but think what that would've done to the foundation of this place."

Firmin: "They refuse to go near Carlotta's room. *rolls eyes towards Carlotta* They claim she put a curse on it."

Carlotta: "Well how else was I supposed to keep those dancers away from my stuff?"

Piangi: "Well, fine . So stay here and have your little Slumber Party. I'm gettin' outta this nuthouse."

Raoul: "Ooh! Can I have a Slumber party ?"

Carlotta: "That's it. This meeting is closed."

Andre: "Hey! I get to say that!" (Carlotta and Piangi leave.)

Firmin: "Note to self : Hire a Bouncer."