Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR, don't own Secret-Diaries style writing, don't
own movies mentioned, not in therapy (apologies to anyone who actually
needs it) and don't take drugs. AM Pervy Hobbit Fancier, tho……
Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit Fancier
Day 1
Am sitting in waiting room for 1st court-ordered therapy session. Is bound to be disaster, as all therapists are quacks. Last one didn't even know difference between a hobbit and a kender! Imagine!
Stupid judge, won't let me get divorced w/o therapy. As if that will save marriage. Idiot ex too tall, feet not hairy enough, doesn't smoke a pipe, can't cook worth a damn. Can do better w/own fingers, tho am showing signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Day 2
New therapist has read LOTR! Yay! On downside, has informed me am pervy hobbit fancier and will take much work to be cured. Rolled eyes when informed I don't want to be cured, want to be hobbit. Preferably male hobbit, as we all know slashy boys are the only ones to get any action around here. On upside, has prescribed v. good therapy drugs. Go me!
Day 4
Tookkk therapy drugs…..saw every showing of LOTR at movie thatre…thearte….you know what I mena, dammit! Hobbits even cuter when stoned than straight, if tht's possible….
Day 6
Mistakenly say Black Hawk Down instead of LOTR at movie thrter…..thaetre…..whatever! Orlando Bloom MUCH hotter w/ blonde hair and pointy ears, tho fall from helicopter v. dramatic. Not as hot as hobbits, tho!
Day 8
Have quit therapy drugs after mistakenly seeing Queen of Damned instead of LOTR. What a waste of celluloid! Stuart Townshend would have made crappy Aragorn! Viggo MUCH better, tho still not as hot as hobbits!
Day 12
Reality so boring. Therapist says will not see me if I continue to try jumping thru mirrors and falling down rabbit holes. Honestly, if it worked for Alice, why won't it work for me?? Think I'll take trip to New Zealand.
Day 13
On plane to New Zealand. Soon-to-be-ex will be pissed have maxed out his credit card to finance trip. Tough cookies. He should have turned into hobbit when I asked him too, instead of cheating on me with whatshisname. Ex is pervy elf-fancier. As said before, can do better w/own fingers!
Day 15
New Zealand v. pretty. Some of LOTR set still in place, yay! Have spent pleasant day wandering Hobbiton. No hobbits, alas, but plenty of hobbitat to explore. Lol, silly pun. Go me!
Day 20
Hooray!! Have found extra-dimensional portal to Middle Earth in remains of Hobbiton set! Surprised no one noticed it till now. Oh well, their loss, my gain. Will go down portal 1st thing tomorrow. Must pack supplies for long-awaited trip to Middle Earth!
Day 21
So this is Middle Earth? V. smelly, not at all what I expected. Ugly and dark, as well. Am beginning to suspect extra-dimensional portal dropped me into Mordor. But aren't these things supposed to open into Rivendell? Or preferably the Shire? Honestly, first trip to Middle Earth and NO HOBBITS!! I swear I just don't live right.
Day 27
Have been wandering Mordor for nearly a week and seen only ugly-ass rocks. Where's Frodo and Sam? drool! Hell, where are the Orcs, for that matter? Where is anyone???
Day 29
Hooray!! Life at last! Have gotten self captured by orcs and dragged to dungeons of Barad Dur. Not as bad as I expected, really. Whips and manacles something of a turn-on, tho bodiless Nazgul bit of a drag. Still no hobbits, either, dammit!
Day 37
Ok, over a week of dungeons of Barad Dur is far too long! Especially w/o hobbits. Aren't there supposed to be hobbits in this damn story??? Honestly!
Day 40
Things looking up. Sauron came to see me. Not a bad looker for just a flaming eyeball. Kinda hot, really. Pun intended, lol. Has asked me to lure hobbits to Barad Dur so he can get Ring. Of course I agreed, so long as I get to keep hobbits for myself. Deal was struck. Go me!
Day 47
Been wandering forever, looking for hobbits. Have FINALLY found them, yay!! Sam suspicious, of course, but Frodo sweet and trusting. Stupid hobbit. Logic obviously not his strong suit. Has great big bleeding heart to match his great big blue eyes. Almost a shame to betray him, but will anyway. Deal's a deal, for one thing, and for another, have developed big crush on Sauron. Hope delivery of hobbits and Ring will impress him. Still want to keep hobbits for toys, however. Sauron is busy eyeball. I must have SOMETHING besides own fingers to occupy me!
Day 52
Back at Barad Dur with hobbits. Not going into how I got them here, some things just shouldn't be discussed! Sauron most impressed, gave me Witch- King's sword! Witch-King v. upset. Too bad! Stupid Nazgul couldn't so his job, had to let modern-day divorced woman upstage him, doesn't deserve his fancy sword. All in all v. good day.
Day 60
All of Middle Earth has fallen to darkness, thanks to me. Go me! Sauron v. happy, has pledged undying lust to me. Even will play w/whips and manacles now he has body again! Hoo boy, what a body, too!! Evil is SO much more satisfying than good could ever be, even hobbits. Hobbits make good toys, tho, v. good at foot rubs, esp. Sam. Not happy hobbits, of course. Frodo whining about my betraying him. Too bad, stupid nitwit should have listened to Sam. What good is faithful body-servant if you're not going to listen to him, anyway?? Honestly, cannot remember what I ever saw in hobbits. Sauron MUCH more attractive. Go Evil!!
Confessions of a Pervy Hobbit Fancier
Day 1
Am sitting in waiting room for 1st court-ordered therapy session. Is bound to be disaster, as all therapists are quacks. Last one didn't even know difference between a hobbit and a kender! Imagine!
Stupid judge, won't let me get divorced w/o therapy. As if that will save marriage. Idiot ex too tall, feet not hairy enough, doesn't smoke a pipe, can't cook worth a damn. Can do better w/own fingers, tho am showing signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Day 2
New therapist has read LOTR! Yay! On downside, has informed me am pervy hobbit fancier and will take much work to be cured. Rolled eyes when informed I don't want to be cured, want to be hobbit. Preferably male hobbit, as we all know slashy boys are the only ones to get any action around here. On upside, has prescribed v. good therapy drugs. Go me!
Day 4
Tookkk therapy drugs…..saw every showing of LOTR at movie thatre…thearte….you know what I mena, dammit! Hobbits even cuter when stoned than straight, if tht's possible….
Day 6
Mistakenly say Black Hawk Down instead of LOTR at movie thrter…..thaetre…..whatever! Orlando Bloom MUCH hotter w/ blonde hair and pointy ears, tho fall from helicopter v. dramatic. Not as hot as hobbits, tho!
Day 8
Have quit therapy drugs after mistakenly seeing Queen of Damned instead of LOTR. What a waste of celluloid! Stuart Townshend would have made crappy Aragorn! Viggo MUCH better, tho still not as hot as hobbits!
Day 12
Reality so boring. Therapist says will not see me if I continue to try jumping thru mirrors and falling down rabbit holes. Honestly, if it worked for Alice, why won't it work for me?? Think I'll take trip to New Zealand.
Day 13
On plane to New Zealand. Soon-to-be-ex will be pissed have maxed out his credit card to finance trip. Tough cookies. He should have turned into hobbit when I asked him too, instead of cheating on me with whatshisname. Ex is pervy elf-fancier. As said before, can do better w/own fingers!
Day 15
New Zealand v. pretty. Some of LOTR set still in place, yay! Have spent pleasant day wandering Hobbiton. No hobbits, alas, but plenty of hobbitat to explore. Lol, silly pun. Go me!
Day 20
Hooray!! Have found extra-dimensional portal to Middle Earth in remains of Hobbiton set! Surprised no one noticed it till now. Oh well, their loss, my gain. Will go down portal 1st thing tomorrow. Must pack supplies for long-awaited trip to Middle Earth!
Day 21
So this is Middle Earth? V. smelly, not at all what I expected. Ugly and dark, as well. Am beginning to suspect extra-dimensional portal dropped me into Mordor. But aren't these things supposed to open into Rivendell? Or preferably the Shire? Honestly, first trip to Middle Earth and NO HOBBITS!! I swear I just don't live right.
Day 27
Have been wandering Mordor for nearly a week and seen only ugly-ass rocks. Where's Frodo and Sam? drool! Hell, where are the Orcs, for that matter? Where is anyone???
Day 29
Hooray!! Life at last! Have gotten self captured by orcs and dragged to dungeons of Barad Dur. Not as bad as I expected, really. Whips and manacles something of a turn-on, tho bodiless Nazgul bit of a drag. Still no hobbits, either, dammit!
Day 37
Ok, over a week of dungeons of Barad Dur is far too long! Especially w/o hobbits. Aren't there supposed to be hobbits in this damn story??? Honestly!
Day 40
Things looking up. Sauron came to see me. Not a bad looker for just a flaming eyeball. Kinda hot, really. Pun intended, lol. Has asked me to lure hobbits to Barad Dur so he can get Ring. Of course I agreed, so long as I get to keep hobbits for myself. Deal was struck. Go me!
Day 47
Been wandering forever, looking for hobbits. Have FINALLY found them, yay!! Sam suspicious, of course, but Frodo sweet and trusting. Stupid hobbit. Logic obviously not his strong suit. Has great big bleeding heart to match his great big blue eyes. Almost a shame to betray him, but will anyway. Deal's a deal, for one thing, and for another, have developed big crush on Sauron. Hope delivery of hobbits and Ring will impress him. Still want to keep hobbits for toys, however. Sauron is busy eyeball. I must have SOMETHING besides own fingers to occupy me!
Day 52
Back at Barad Dur with hobbits. Not going into how I got them here, some things just shouldn't be discussed! Sauron most impressed, gave me Witch- King's sword! Witch-King v. upset. Too bad! Stupid Nazgul couldn't so his job, had to let modern-day divorced woman upstage him, doesn't deserve his fancy sword. All in all v. good day.
Day 60
All of Middle Earth has fallen to darkness, thanks to me. Go me! Sauron v. happy, has pledged undying lust to me. Even will play w/whips and manacles now he has body again! Hoo boy, what a body, too!! Evil is SO much more satisfying than good could ever be, even hobbits. Hobbits make good toys, tho, v. good at foot rubs, esp. Sam. Not happy hobbits, of course. Frodo whining about my betraying him. Too bad, stupid nitwit should have listened to Sam. What good is faithful body-servant if you're not going to listen to him, anyway?? Honestly, cannot remember what I ever saw in hobbits. Sauron MUCH more attractive. Go Evil!!