I'm a sucker for St. Berry and I am aggravated by what the writers did to Jesse. I do not own Glee, if I did Jesse would have egged himself before he egged Rachel.
He'd known she was here, in New York. She'd begun to make a name for herself off Broadway. It was still a shock to see her; even though more often than not he found himself looking for her, hoping to catch a glimpe. Eight years later she looked the same as when she was sixteen.
"Rachel?" he asked softly. She looked so intent on what she was reading that he didn't want to startle her.
She looked up with a cautious, yet friendly smile, but when she saw him it froze in some sad parody of joy. "What are you doing here?" she whispered, waving her hand to indicate the Ambassador Theatre, the space they currently occupied. What was Jesse St. James doing here invading her city?
He watched as her smile slowly faded to a grimace of pain. "I'm auditioning for 'Evita', same as you, I assume," he returned quietly. He knew he was staring at her but he couldn't seem to make himself stop. She was so beautiful. He smiled softly, "for Che actually. Although I'm sure that I could handle the title role capably," he added in the same cocky tone she remembered so well.
"I'm sure you could, Jesse. You were always a gifted thespian, lovely dancer and your voice was invariably excellent," Rachel admitted. "How was UCLA?"
"It was good. Being in LA was good for me. I learned that while I do approach the pinnacle of perfection, I actually have to work at some things." Jesse smiled softly.
"What are you doing in New York? Someone mentioned that you'd shot a pilot," Rachel vowed silently to shoot Kurt next time she saw him since he'd been the one who told her that.
Jesse grimaced, "It was not my finest work," he admitted softly. He shrugged, "The network decided not to pick it up. What about you? I heard you skipped college to come to New York?"
Rachel looked up at him with her soft brown eyes pools of reproof. "Jesse, I don't think I can have this conversation right now," she said bitterly.
"I don't know," he smirked, "seems like we might be able to stir up fodder that would be relevant to Evita and Che." His face serious now, "I've missed you."
"Oh please," Rachel scoffed, "I'm sure I've heard that you were dating some teeny bop pop sensation a few years ago. And then an ingenue or two. So, I know that you haven't been pining," her tone was low and sad. "Besides, what was to miss? We had a relationship based on half-truths and lies. I'm not the one that got away, I'm the one you threw away," Rachel bit her lip, afraid she'd revealed too much.
"Actually, that is the most normal relationship I've ever been in. I've been alone in every relationship that I've ever been in with the exception of one." The smile curving his lips was bitter as January in New York. "And we both know how that ended. I don't think I'm cut out for relationships Rachel. I'm too self-involved."
"I am not exactly inclined to argue this point with you," this she said with as much finality as she could muster. "I'd really like you to just leave me alone, Jesse. I've tried very hard to put that whole episode of my life behind me."
"Me too," he agreed. "But I have to tell you...I can't promise to leave you alone, Rachel Berry. I haven't been whole since that day in the parking lot."
"Me neither. But I've been learning to live without that missing bit," Rachel smiled sadly and smoothed her hair self-consciously. "It hurt for a very long time."
Jesse had to ask the next question, he didn't want to know the answer, but he couldn't help but ask. "So, which one was it?"
"Which one what?" Rachel asked, confused.
"Finn or Puck? Who helped you put the pieces back together? I swear I've been tortured by that thought. I can't get it out of my mind sometimes. I'll go weeks without thinking about you and then there you are. This beautiful avenging angel in my mind," Jesse hadn't meant to say that last part out loud but since he had slipped he decided to brazen it out and gave her a small smirk.
"I'm not beautiful," Rachel asserted.
Jesse felt his eye brows come together in confusion. How could she not know she was beautiful? Like the star she was destined to be; she glowed from the inside and all Jesse wanted to do was to put out a blanket and spend the rest of his life basking in her glory. "You are beautiful," he countered.
"Oh," this was said softly. She looked away from him then, it was painful to sit here with him, to speak with him as if she had ever gotten over him or what he'd done to her.
Rachel almost cried with relief when the director began the auditions. She had been told she was on the shortlist for the part of Evita but that wasn't exactly a lock. Five years she had been living in New York now and she hadn't been back to Ohio for longer than a visit to her fathers. New York made her feel alive; she loved this city and deep down she knew that it loved her back.
She had told herself that the reason she'd chosen to come to Broadway was because it had always been her dream to see her name in lights. And Hollywood, while exciting, was fickle and didn't have as much work available for what she wanted to do. But when it came time to make the decision she'd actually turned down a couple casting calls in LA because she didn't want to be in the same state as Jesse. The thought of him being within one thousand miles of her was more than she could bear; being in the same city was enough to turn her back into that spineless puddle of pain that he'd left her in high school.
"I hope you get the part, Rach. I always thought you'd make a stunning Eva Peron." He was looking as her intently. There was something different about her, something that eight years couldn't explain and he wasn't sure what it was.
Because she forced herself, Rachel was able to smile back. "Yes, break a leg, Jesse." Please, right here in front of me so I can watch, she thought acidly. She bit her lip so she didn't smile.
"Look, who was it? Finn?" Jesse asked again. "I always had this picture of the two of your singing your hearts out at each other in Glee." His brow furrowed, "you were always happy when I thought of you with him." He glanced over and grinned boyishly, "of course, you were always happy when I pictured you with Puck too. Just a different kind of happy."
"It wasn't either. I picked up my own pieces and then I locked them all away where I could just pull them out and put them into performing." She closed her eyes so she didn't have to look at him. "I don't let anyone close enough to help me anymore. Of all the things you took from me, that was the one that hurt me the worst. I couldn't trust anyone for a very long time."
He just stood there, mutely, waiting for her to finish.
"I'd never had a friend, not really...and when I was finally starting to fit in, to think that things were going to be okay..." her eyes darted to the side. "Finn tried. Then Noah tried. They were both very sweet and patient with me," she almost whispered.
But he heard what she was really saying—she didn't let anyone in close enough to hurt her anymore. The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach was back. He'd known that he'd hurt her, but this was beyond hurt. He had broken Rachel Berry. He felt the same as he had when he was eight and pulled the wings off of a butterfly because they were so pretty he wanted to keep them. Just to watch sickly as the butterfly writhed in agony before he'd crushed it to put it out of its misery.
"I'm so sorry, Rachel," he batted one his ridiculously adorable curls out of his face. "I never wanted you to hurt like that...I never wanted you to hurt at all."
"Jesse, don't give yourself too much credit. I let you into my life. Against all the wishes of the people who were close to me. And it was painful...but I am better. I have been for a while," her face was serious but open. He could see there was no deception there. "Everyone seems to think that I was destroyed. I'm not broken, Jesse. I'm still me, Rachel Berry, destined to headline a Broadway show," her smile now was bittersweet.
"I wish that I hadn't been such a coward then. I regret that I wasn't the person I should have been. The guy that you needed me to be," his tone was strident. He was trying to lay himself bare to the one person he had ever loved.
Someone hushed them from a few rows back, they were bringing up actors in pairs to get an idea of chemistry. The Eva and Juan that were up now were established performers and the way they were singing to each other they would very likely get the parts. Jesse was very happy that he was trying out for Che and not Juan. He looked at Rachel and ended up staring, unable to look anywhere but at her as she watched the performance. Her eyes never left the stage, she mouthed the words along with the woman singing, and swayed a little.
Much to Rachel's surprise the director called the two of them next. She looked over at Jesse with dismay, she really did not want to sing with him. Almost, almost, she asked to be reassigned to a different partner. But she didn't want to be labeled as difficult before she'd even got her foot in the door. There was no shock when they were instructed to do "Waltz for Eva and Che."
Rachel swallowed heavily as she waited for Jesse's cue. He was staring at her with those intense eyes she remembered so well.
Tell me before I waltz out of your life
Before turning my back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
But how long do you think this pantomime can last?
Tell me before I ride off in the sunset
There's one thing I never got clear
How can you claim you're our savior
When those who oppose you are stepped on,
Or cut up, or simply disappear?
His voice had never sounded so good to her. He had better control and tone now than at 18. The look of scorn she gave him wasn't faked. Like what had happened was her fault?
Tell me before you get onto your bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before you get onto your high horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don't care what the bourgeoisie say
I'm not in business for them
But to give all my descamisados
A magical moment or two
God, he'd forgotten how good her voice was. He'd forced himself to not think about how good the two of them were together. And now that she was performing he could see more of the Rachel he remembered. Effortlessly, their voices blended for the chorus.
There is evil, ever around
Fundamental system of government
Quite incidental
Their eyes met as they sang and he could tell that she was going to give him as much hell as she could dish out when she started the next verse, circling him.
So, what are my chances of honest advances?
I'd say low
Better to win by admitting my sin
Than to lose with a halo
He couldn't help the grin that crossed his face, that line really suited him much better than it ever had Rachel, and he knew it. He let himself feel all the longing he'd denied himself the past eight years and implored her to give him something, anything he could work with. Hate, he would take her hate.
Tell me before I seek worthier pastures
And thereby restore self-esteem
How can you be so short-sighted
To never look further than this week or next week
To have no impossible dream?
She was looking at him as if he were a roach that had crawled across her hand on the subway. When she sang her response she was magnificent, a Valkyrie.
Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines
And mark your adieu with three cheers
But first tell me who'd be delighted
If I said I'd take on the world's greatest problems
From war to pollution, no hope of solution
Even if I lived for one hundred years?
He closed his eyes for their last chorus together. He wished that they were actually waltzing so he'd have an excuse to touch her. Rachel danced as well as she sang, he remembered.
There is evil, ever around
Fundamental system of government
Quite incidental
Jesse opened his eyes so that he could watch her sing the end of the song. He was certain she was the best Evita he'd ever seen. Brown eyes flashing scorn at him, cheeks flushed with passion. Not the sort that he wanted to see burning in her, but any feeling was better than indifference. She was flinging the words at him like those eggs he and Vocal Adrenaline had lobbed at her all those years ago.
So go, if you're able, to somewhere unstable
And stay there
Whip up your hate in some towering state
But not here, dear
Is that clear dear?
And then she really looked at him and he watched as her eyes filled with tears. It seemed as if her body just buckled under the strain and she looked out at the audience dejectedly. Her voice was a masterpiece of sorrow and frustration of what could not be.
Oh, what I'd give for a hundred years
But the physical interferes
Every day more, O my creator
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that's falling apart?
A serious flaw, I hope you know that.
Rachel lay there on the floor for a minute, shocked when several of the other actors there to audition stood up and clapped. She'd forgotten that there was anyone other than Jesse with her. And it had been cathartic for her to sing with him like that.
One of her trademark thousand-watt smiles crossed her face and Jesse felt his heart stutter. Rachel wasn't the only one that was broken he realized. His inability to maintain a relationship for longer than a month, never feeling at ease with the girls he did date, the way he pushed away every girl that wanted anything more from him than a good time. All of that could be traced back to one day of colossal bad judgment.
Jesse put his hand out to help her off the floor. He was shocked when she actually accepted it and allowed him to pull her up. "Can we get tea after the audition?" he asked when she was back on her feet.
Rachel was flushed but Jesse didn't think it was all from her performance. The idea that he could still affect her on this level made him feel as if a weight had been lifted from him.
Thinking as they made their way back to their seats Rachel made a decision. She wasn't sure if it was the right one, but it felt right. It felt like a new beginning, like the phoenix rising out of the ashes.
"Why should I?" she pressed her lips together, her voice was almost defiant. This the warrior angel he always thought of her as.
Then Jesse blushed, he scuffed his toe along the floor.
No one was surprised when the next pairing called was the man who'd been singing Juan when they were talking earlier and Rachel Berry. Looking over, maybe Rachel was surprised, but she was a minority of one. She headed back to the stage.
"Rachel!" he called after her. Happier than he should have that she turned back to see what he wanted.
She didn't say anything, she just looked at him questioningly.
Before she could turn completely back to the stage he grabbed her hand, it was soft and cool while his was a little sweaty. He grimaced in distaste and hoped she didn't notice. "I still have that Care Bear you won me," he couldn't bear to look at her while he said it so he missed the tears that sprang to her eyes.
"I'd love to have tea with you," she smiled softly. She heard him suck in a deep breath, as if it were the first he'd gotten in long time.