Big Bird's big adventure
It all started one rainy morning as Big Bird awoke for another day at his shitty job. On the way to work, traffic was backed up, but Big Bird was wearing his usual bright, cheerful smile. That was until some jerk in a foreign, piece of crap car decided to cut him off. Big Bird was heard to remark in a strangely cheerful manner "Hey, shit for brains, why don't you blow me? Or better yet have your wife do it. I hear she does a good job!"
Well, Big Bird had finally arrived at work, knowing that this was his big day. However, as soon as Big Bird had entered the building, he heard that Snufalupigas had gotten the promotion he was promised for the last six months by his boss. Big Bird then proceeded to knock Snufalupigas down the stairs and out into the ally, beating him severely. Big Bird knew the only reason Snufalupigas had gotten the promotion was because he bought the Cookie Monster, the company's biggest client, a hooker on their business trip to Las Vegas.
When the cops arrived, Snufalupigas decided not to press charges, knowing full well the repercussions of his actions by Big Bird. After such a day at work, Big Bird decided to go home a little early. He knew his wife could cheer him up. Little did he know that his wife was already "cheering up" the mailman.
As Big Bird got to the house, he noticed a mail truck parked outside, but thought nothing of it. As he walked up the stairs he heard something, but just thought it was the TV. Then, he opened the door to find them both completely naked! His wife said "honey, its not what it looks like" and Big Bird replied "good, because it looks like the mailman is getting a blowjob, skank."
An argument ensued, but after a while Big Bird grabbed his .45 out of the top drawer. You see kids, after his days in Vietnam, Big Bird adopted a one shot, one kill policy and let one go right between the mailman's eyes. As he looked at his wife's blood coated face, he noticed her eyes. The same eyes he fell in love with as a chickling. This just enraged him further, seeing as how she did what she did. He then unloaded his clip into her, buried the bodies and then capped the night off with a bottle of Wild Turkey and a couple of hookers.
The following day, Big Bird got wind that the cops were onto him. He decided to lay low in Venezuela with his one time cocaine importing partner, the infamous Elmo Escobar. Before he could leave, he needed some traveling cash. He turned to the local godfather, Don Bert and his top lieutenant, Ernie.
It seems Don Bert was having a problem with a former employee, Oscar the grouch, who was going on TV blabbing about the godfather's connections to Cuban immigrants, who by now were the top suppliers of cocaine to Sesame Street. If this was to continue, it would cost Don Bert all of his political connections. He needed Oscar silenced and for $25,000 Big Bird agreed to do the job.
Oscar was scheduled to be outside the Copa Villa restaurant around 3:30 that afternoon. This was their one chance, so big bird had to hustle. Big Bird picked up Grover and began tailing Oscar's driver. It seems 20 pounds of explosives were placed in the trunk, above the gas tank. All Big Bird had to do was get Grover in close enough range to push the button. In less than two seconds, all the Don's worries would be forgotten.
As they approached their destination, they saw Oscar sitting in his garbage can. He walked towards the car, followed by his wife and 2 children. Big Bird did not like this. He had no problem killing Oscar, but could not kill the children. With everyone in the car, Oscar's Cadillac pulled away. Big Bird followed.
Grover said "When we turn this next corner, I'll push the button." Big Bird said "You didn't say anything about kids being in the car. I'm not going to do it." Grover said "We paid you up front, you have to do it. The Don would be very upset if you failed him."
As they neared the corner, Grover told Big Bird to get ready. Then Grover was heard to say "Chupa mi verga, pendejo!" and went to push the button. Just then Big Bird pulled out a gun and said "No, you die now mother fucker!" and pulled the trigger, spewing brain matter all over the window.
Big Bird knew he was in trouble and had to leave Sesame Street right away. He got to the airport and took a flight to Puerto Rico, with a connecting flight to Venezuela. When he arrived at the airport, Elmo's limo met Big Bird and took him to Elmo's palace, deep in the mountains.
"I finally made it" thought Big Bird. As Big Bird entered Elmo's estate, he was greeted by a very angry Don Bert, who put two slugs in Big Bird's head. Afterwards, they put Big Bird on a pit and the whole town feasted on his dead carcass.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End.