Pac Man VS. Metroid
Samus Aran had spent the previous night having aggressive enemy sex with Ridley, the space pirate who killed her mother and father. The way Ridley used his beak reminded Samus of the dinosaur erotica novel "Taken by the Pteradactyl" by Christie Sims. Samus Aran was a smoking-hot blonde with a perfect body. Oh, and she was also the best bounty hunter in the galaxy. [Note to the reader: you might think Boba Fett is the best bounty hunter in the galaxy, but that's not true, as Samus flew into the Sarlaac pit, killed Boba Fett while he was being digested, killed everyone else in there, and then used a super bomb to kill the Sarlaac.]
Samus answered an incoming transmission alert. It was Adam Malkovich, her former lover.
AM: Samus, the Federation has a mission that we think you'd be perfect for.
SA: I'm listening.
AM: It's your basic search and destroy mission. Go to Pac Land and contact Pac Man, and he'll take it from there.
SA: Anything I need to know about this Pac Land?
AM: Yes, it's a series of mazes. In 2D, the mazes have extra-dimensional properties, so like when you go to the right, you end up on the left, etc.
SA: Your basic toroidal topology; got it.
AM: Good luck, Samus. Oh, and don't forget to bring your morph ball. You'll be using it a lot.
SA: Oh great, that thing strains my back, which is already killing me from having filthy aggressive sex with Ridley last night.
AM: Samus, are you trying to make me jealous?
SA: Did I?
AM: No! Save that crap for your diaries in Other M! And kill Ridley if you haven't already…this is classified information!
SA: Relax, I shot him in the head with a super missile after he fell asleep.
AM: Good. Malkovich, over and out.
SA: What a jerk! He wasn't jealous at all!
Later on Pac Land
PM: You must be Samus Aran!
SA: I'm Samus.
PM: We've been waiting for you. We really need your help.
SA: With?
PM: There are some deadly ghosts running around these mazes. They've already killed my son, Jr. Pac Man, and my wife, Ms. Pac Man, and we're afraid they'll kill again!
SA: Wait, your son's name is 'Jr. Pac Man?' Why isn't it Pac Man Jr.? And if she's your wife, why is she Ms. Pac Man instead of Mrs.?
PM: Don't get so hung up on names; you have to go kill Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde!
SA: Those are the 'deadly' ghosts? Inky…Blinky…Pinky…
PM: …and Clyde! Yes, they're pure evil, you must hurry!
Later
SA: So how do you normally deal with these deadly ghosts, Pac Man?
PM: Well, I normally eat as many pellets as I can, then a lot of them are nearby, I eat a power pellet, and then I eat the ghosts. The problem is, they always come back.
SA: Have you tried missiles, bombs, wave beam, screw attack on them?
PM: …Huh?
SA: Have you tried anything else besides EATING them?!
PM: Well, uh, no; all we Pac People do is eat. It's really all we CAN do!
SA: I see. This is gonna be easier than stealing missiles from a Skreek!
PM: Here they come!
Samus switched to her ice beam and did her signature freeze and missile technique that she had killed countless Metroids with. The ghosts exploded, leaving only floating eyeballs behind.
SA: Where are those eyeballs going?
PM: They always go to the center of the maze and regenerate somehow.
SA: What's in there?
PM: No one knows. We can't eat our way through.
Samus spent several minutes attacking the ghost hold with everything in her arsenal, but nothing seemed to work. Then she had an idea.
SA: Come on, let's get to my gunship.
On Samus's Gunship
PM: What do you have planned?
SA: I'm gonna attack the ghost hold with ship missiles. They're the heaviest artillery I have.
PM: Let's hope it'll be enough!
Samus unleashed a barrage of ship missiles at the ghost hold and the explosion was beyond belief.
When the flash eased, Pac Man opened his eyes to find nothing left of his beloved home.
PM: My home!
SA: I solved your problem didn't I?
PM: Yes, but this is quite the Pyrrhic victory! Where will I live?
SA: You can live with me! I'm looking for a new boyfriend, anyway.
PM: Wait, you - the notorious bounty hunter Samus Aran - are a woman?
Samus took off her suit and revealed her taut, perfect body, and luxurious blonde hair. Pac Man's jaw dropped. [Author's note: it dropped wider than it normally does.]
As the gunship blasted away at superluminal speed, Samus was thinking of few ways for putting Pac Man's eating skills to good use.
Fin (and Jake)