A/N's will be at the bottom.
Disclaimer: I do not own The 100
The horn blew and Clarke knew everything was over. They filed out and blue eyes watched all her hopes vanish with them into the tree line. Her thoughts were a mess, but as she continued to stand there the only thing that played over and over were Lexa's words. The blood on her face and Emerson's look of triumph in his eyes.
May we meet again.
They hadn't lost. Clarke had lost.
And now it was just her in front of the mountain. All the plans they had made gone. Her heart hurt and she felt this immeasurable feeling of loss. She felt loss for her friends who were destined to be slaughtered. She felt loss of her failure and for being so close that she actually could taste victory. And then there was the loss she couldn't admit.
The loss when it came to Lexa. Because the betrayal outweighed everything and the anger just hurt. It didn't boil into rage or bubble underneath her skin. It just sat there like a cancer in her lungs spreading to her entire body. And it burned her. Why? Why had she done this?
Clarke fell to her knees and held the tears at bay. They didn't deserve to fall. Because she should have known. Because it should have worked. Because Clarke should have been smarter and she wasn't. Her heart didn't race. It didn't beat against her ribcage and pound with the ferocity of fury. It just beat. And with every passing second it felt as if it beat slower and slower and slower.
Pain flashed in her chest and Clarke fell to her hands. Her fingers fell to the dirt soaked with their blood. She sucked in a sharp breathe as her hands clenched. The dirt was cold beneath her fingers as specks of brown earth lodged into her skin and nails. And then it began to rain.
It was slow at first. The pitter patter of sprinkles as they fell to the ground. It was only a moment until it began to pour, until the skies cried in agony to. The sky turned ugly with grey and water soaked the earth because Clarke knew. She knew that it was over.
But as she looked up and stared at the door to Mount Weather, she knew she couldn't give up.
She wouldn't let this be the end.
"You summoned me?" The early morning light shone through the tent.
Lexa's eyes followed her movement as she entered. The silence that hung between them was uncomfortable and Clarke could barely meet her eyes. Her eyes flitted to the grounders face and then flitted away unable to hold her gaze. She couldn't. It hurt too much. She was too afraid of what Lexa might see if she did.
The walk back last night had been long. The rain had followed her the whole way soaking her to the very bone. Leaving Clarke raw and alone in the woods she had come to know like the back of her hand. The last place she had wanted to be was in the grounder camp, but that is where her feet had taken her.
They had taken her home.
She felt stuck in the spacious tent of the Commander. She wanted to leave, had every urge to run. She had better things to do, plans that needed to be made because of Lexa. Her friends needed her and she was on a clock against time. But when a Grounder had come to waken her to meet the Commander she had obeyed. Without a second thought, without any hesitation she had gotten up and carried herself to Lexa.
She believed her heart might always carry her back to Lexa. And that is what scared her most of all.
So now she stood watching as her counterpart stood quietly in front of her.
"Clarke." Her name sounded simple on her lips. It was supposed to sound strong and still they both knew what they heard. It sounded like all the words she couldn't say. All the words she might have wanted to say because there was nothing she could say. And yet they were still here.
The blonde felt her jaw tighten. "Commander." She addressed formally. She kept herself from saying anything more. If she let too much in, if she gave in to her emotion she wouldn't be able to control the words that she said. It would all come pouring out and there would be no way for her to stop it.
Lexa shook her head. "Lexa." She said breathlessly.
"What?"
"My name is Lexa. You have never had to address me as Commander. We are equals Clarke of the Sky People." She said selfishly. She couldn't stand the stiffness in Clarke's back. She didn't want to hear the coldness in her voice. It was a selfish desire to hear her name from those soft lips.
Clarke regarded her silently. Lexa's face was impassive, but she could see the sadness in the other woman's eyes. At one time the blonde would have believed the emotion she saw; Clarke would have seen the woman past the mask. She couldn't now though. Now there was just the Commander.
"Why did you call me here?" She bit out tersely.
"You're angry at me." Lexa said. "But you would have made the same decision." She took a step forward and the blonde's body moved back automatically. She couldn't be close. She couldn't be near her.
Blue eyes finally rose from the ground to meet piercing green eyes. "No Lexa." Her voice shook and Clarke hated herself for that to. "I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have left your people to be slaughtered."
She saw the Commander's mask crack in front of her. She saw a flicker of something. She refused to acknowledge it though because the look on Emerson's face was burned into her memory. The look of his triumph, his arrogance, and his victory that had rightfully belonged to Clarke.
Lexa held in the urge to flinch at her words. "You would have because that is what would have been best for your people. You taught me that Clarke. Because you are strong and because you would have been the leader your people needed." The pleading denial in her voice made her weak. The wish for her words to be true. "I did it because I know that's what you would have done. I did not make this decision lightly."
I promise that it hurt me, it hurt me just as much as it had hurt you.
"You didn't make it lightly? It sure as hell seemed like it." She seethed. The anger was finally there. The desire to make Lexa hurt like she had done to Clarke. "You left my side for a moment and when you came back everything had changed! I wouldn't have done it because I thought we were in this together!"
Lexa snarled hating the accusations that fell from pale lips. "I had to think with my head not my heart. I did what was best for my people. I did what had to be done."
"You don't get it do you?" Clarke said in wonder. "I understand. I understand what you did." Her voice broke pathetically. "But I was willing to do everything for both of our people. Because grounder or sky person alike they were my people to rescue."
Clarke didn't know when her voice had risen only that it had. She only realized that she was breathless because she couldn't find the air to speak couldn't look past the pain that seared her heart.
"I trusted you. I trusted you and you turned your back on me." Her hands shook at her side. "I would have never made the deal because it would have hurt you and because no matter what happened I didn't want to hurt you." Clarke felt her feet move of their own accord carrying her to Lexa.
"Because I cared about you." She said breathlessly. The admission tore itself from her throat. The truth that she had tried to deny over and over again through sleepless nights.
Lexa's eyes widened and she felt her heart race painfully before turning on her heels. "Stop." She croaked. All the anger and strength she had fleeing from her body.
Clarke laughed. It held no warmth or love in it. "I can't. That's the problem." The words were soft. Because they bared herself to the one person she didn't want to know. "I should have never believed that this was something more than a deal to you. That you gave a damn about us."
About me. It wasn't said, but they both heard it.
Lexa whipped around. "I do care Clarke! But what was I supposed to do? I am the Commander of an entire army who are waiting for me to make a mistak-"
"No!" Clarke said yelling. "Damn it! Stop blaming all of this on your title." She finished cursing. The tears had started to fall because they could no longer be held back. It was too much for her to bear. "You could have trusted me. You could have trusted us. You could have had the belief that we would win together. You had a choice."
Silence hung between them. Clarke wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. She couldn't bear to look at Lexa but she couldn't bear to look away. Everything hurt and she no longer knew what the right thing to do was.
"Weeks ago… I would have made the same decision. Before I knew you, before I knew your people and everything that you have fought for I would have made the same decision. I thought things were different now. They were different because of you. Because I believed you were different." Her eyes glistened. "But you are exactly what my mother and Kane said you were."
Lexa refused to cry. She couldn't. She wasn't allowed. But more than anything she wanted to. And watching Clarke in front of her hurt more than anything she could have imagined. She opened her mouth and yet for the first time she couldn't find the words that explained what she wanted to say.
"We're done."
"What?"
"We're done Commander." Clarke said flatly.
Lexa straightened herself and tried to keep everything together. Her mind raced. She tried to think of a reason to say no and to tell her that she was being unreasonable and that she couldn't. "You are the leader of your people. Regardless of your feelings Clarke you will always have to deal with me. You cannot run away."
Clarke smiled. It was sad and it was angry and it was remorseful. "You don't control me Commander. I am not one of your subordinates and you have made it clear that I am not anything else to you either. I will do whatever I see fit."
"You cannot run away from me Clarke." Lexa reiterated. "The alliance will fail."
There had to be something, something that wouldn't make her go. Anything would do. This couldn't be happening.
"Hasn't it already?" She asked sadly. "And if it does survive after this Commander, if it does make it through this hell you put it through then you will deal with my mother or Kane. I will not be your go to; I will not be your envoy. I will not be your toy." Clarke walked up to Lexa and their breaths mingled as their noses almost touched.
"So stay the fuck away from me."
Lexa thought something broke inside of her. She thought something fragmented into a million pieces, something that hadn't hurt like this since Costia. She had done what she had to. She had to keep thinking of that otherwise she would drown in these feelings. She would drown in Clarke.
And for the first time in a long time Lexa spoke as a woman and not as Commander. Because she couldn't stand the way Clarke wouldn't say her name. She couldn't stand the way that Clarke looked at her like a stranger and not as her friend. She couldn't stand to be without her by her side.
"Please…" Her voice shook in desperation and she could see Clarke's face crumble at her words, at her honesty and helplessness. She had to say something. She had to say something to make her stay. To show her that she was sorry, that she had done what she needed to and not what she wanted to. She was sorry and she did regret it, but her personal feelings couldn't interfere with her job.
"Please don't leave me Clarke, please."
It was a weakness. The Sky Princess was her weakness, but it was a weakness she so desperately wanted.
Clarke held back the sob and in a moment of sorrow – in a moment of desire and longing for something that couldn't be – she grabbed the nape of Lexa's neck and brought them together softly closing her eyes as their foreheads touched.
She grazed her lips with her own never fully committing, but desiring the soft feel of Lexa on herself. Desiring the love for a woman she could not have.
She burned this into her mind. This moment together because she knew the words were true. Both of their words – in anger and in sorrow. Clarke couldn't keep doing this. And she needed someone who she trusted and trusted her in return as well. And Lexa had proven that it couldn't be her.
Even if in her heart Clarke desperately wanted her to be.
"You've left me no choice Lexa." She whispered against her lips. When she opened her eyes and a single tear fall from Lexa's eyes she felt her heartbreak. It was her turn now. It was her turn to make a decision as a leader and to push all of her feelings aside. Now she had to be strong. Lexa had given her no other choice.
Clarke turned and walked away. When she made it to the entrance of the tent, she stopped one last time. She glanced back and saw the woman watching her. Not the Commander, not the leader of an entire Grounder army, but Lexa. She saw Lexa and it made everything hurt all over again.
They really had taught each other well. Lexa had shown Clarke what it meant to be ruthless and Clarke had shown Lexa diplomacy by any means necessary. They had been one hell of a pair and they had been doomed from the start.
"You were right. Love is weakness."
Lexa stood staring at the last place Clarke stood. The image of her friend with tears streaming down her pale face etched into her mind. This isn't what she had wanted. This had never been what she wanted. She hadn't meant to hurt Clarke, but Lexa knew deep down before her decisions that she would. Because people near her always seemed to leave or die.
The sound of boots outside on the ground let her know of the approaching intruder. She hoped it would be Clarke, wanted it to be Clarke, but knew it wouldn't be. When Indra stepped through the flap of the tent Lexa turned. Her second couldn't see her so weak even though she knew Indra had already known.
The dark woman stood and said nothing waiting for her commander to initiate. Lexa knew when something was on her soldier's mind. She knew the pinched look of control the woman had when she tried to hold her tongue.
"Speak freely."
Indra grunted. "I hold no love for the Sky people. I do not care for them nor will I ever condemn you for your decision Heda, but I was… surprised last night."
Lexa felt her knuckles go white as she stood away from her second.
"I heard the sound for retreat and assumed somehow that we won. I left Octavia after she helped us. Even though she begged me to stay. Do not mistake that I am not happy to have my people back and that that is the most important thing." Indra said walking up to stand next to her leader. There was no anger in her eyes no regret or sympathy just her opinion.
"But we have never run from a fight. And I have no doubt that we would have taken that mountain and made them bleed for their sins. What you did…it was cowardly."
"…is that all Indra?"
The darker woman bowed her head. "Yes, Heda."
"Then go."
The tall woman hesitated. "As I have said I do not condemn you. I was not angry with how you left before Tondc and I am not angry now. The Sky people were not our problem and we did what we must. You are ruthless and that is why we survive as we have."
"I said go." Lexa said flatly.
"But I had expected different from you."
Lexa whipped around. "Leave Indra!"
The black woman stood unfazed. "Yes Heda." She said before walking out of the tent.
Lexa was left standing alone and when she could finally move again, her feet carried her to her throne. She climbed the steps to the seat easily although her legs felt like lead. And when she finally sat down alone looking at the empty space in front of her she cried openly unable to stop the silent tears even if she wanted to.
"I'm sorry Clarke."
She whispered her regrets even though no one would be there to listen.
There is more to life than just surviving.
A/N: So that episode last night. Yeah broke my heart a little bit, but hey that's why I love the show so much. And afterwords I couldn't get this out of my head so I put it down on paper and I hope you guys enjoyed my second one-shot.
You know despite everything I still do really love Lexa and Clarke and how they interact so I do still have hope as small as it probably really is. But without a doubt looking forward to next week's episode. But leave reviews and let me know what you think. I appreciate any thing you guys have to say.
See ya,
Chasing Fantasies