AN: If you haven't read Suddenly I'm in love with you (and I don't know how to stop) I suggest you read that first, because this is mean to be a companion piece.
Post season 5 finale.
"…she has taken the best years of her life and a dozen of your not so good and if she hasn't given anything back then it might be time to move on."
It's late (or early) enough to where her brain won't stop thinking and she's ridiculously tired and kind of loopy (that drunk kind of loopy that comes with the wee hours of the night) and she's been in bed for hours but she can't really sleep because she feels… unsettled.
She knows why she's unsettled. There's been a shift in the way of things and she's at the center of it. Maybe no one else will be able to tell, but the important thing is that she can. There's been a change in her after today's (or yesterday's) crazy events and it's left her more than a little unbalanced (the words Jeff and Britta and marriage are bouncing around in her mind and she feels a little sick).
They were engaged. Engaged to be married. Marriage. Marriage as in weddings and kids and sharing a mortgage and having that kind of love that's supposed to last forever and suddenly she's squeezing her eyes shut and breathing in and out, in and out and biting a piece of the inside of her cheek so that way the pain will bring her back into focus.
She knew from the moment they announced their engagement that it was one of the worst ideas either one of them has ever had. Never mind how her stomach dropped and her heart shattered, it was just a flat out terrible idea all around. They were toxic together; a marriage would've been disastrous. Abed was right, they were just clinging to each other in a time of instability and fear and they were latching onto something familiar and safe.
Wasn't she familiar? Wasn't she safe?
She squeezes her eyes shut again, scolding herself ferociously because she's not going to do this. She's not going to play the 'why not me' game when it comes to Jeff Winger because she's been playing that game for the past five years of her life and she thinks it's more than past time to stop.
So what if she wasn't what he latched onto when he was freaking out? So what if she's proven time and time again that she's there for him? So fucking what if he went back to the woman he used to screw for some sense in security? (the thought is a little vicious and a probably more than a little mean but these are her thoughts so no one can judge her except herself).
"…she has taken the best years of her life and a dozen of your not so good and if she hasn't given anything back then it might be time to move on."
His words are rattling in her brain again, like they have been all day and despite the fact that they weren't meant for her, his words have resonated in the deepest parts of her soul and it kind of makes her want to cry.
Because suddenly she's looking back at this past chapter of her life and all she can see is the dysfunctional family she's grown to love more than her real one and Jeff Winger (and yes she knows he's part of said dysfunctional family but he's also separate from them because he's different. It's always been different with them).
Jeff's more than that just part of her family. He's always been more than that. He became her first college crush and then someone she made out with and then grew to have very strong and very scary feelings for (the word love bounces around in her mind and she panics and immediately pushes the thought away and locks it up tight with a lock and a key and maybe a few chains because she is not touching that with a ten foot pole even in her mind) and while he's always been her friend, he's also kind of treated her like absolute shit.
She's let him and his opinions and soft affectionate smiles and those seemingly just platonic touches and the fleeting intimate looks that he thinks that she doesn't catch (but she does, of course she does and they kind of break her heart) rule her for far too long.
Because while she's always been sure about him he's never been even close to sure about her and goddammit she deserves more than someone who constantly gives her less than halfway. She deserves someone who isn't ashamed of their attraction or feelings for her. She deserves someone who isn't going to make her doubt herself and what's going on between them in front of their entire group of friends only to come back months later to tell her in private that yes, they do in fact have feelings for her, they just won't ever do anything more about it in hopes that it can be buried like everything else between them.
And she thinks the worst part about all of it as that she knows he cares. She knows he feels something for her but he's never done anything about it and she's finally starting to accept that he never will and it kind of feels like yeah, he cares, but maybe just not enough. Maybe she just wasn't enough for him.
And wow, does that thought sting.
She groans aloud, frustrated with herself.
This is why things need to change. She needs to change because here she is, once again, not being able to sleep because she's thinking about Jeff fucking Winger and what she means to him and you know what, she's better than this.
Something sparks in her.
She's Annie fucking Edison and she got hooked on drugs but got better and she has a crappy family but found a crazier and better one that actually cares and she's smart, driven and ambitious and she helped saved her fucking school and goddammit she has more in life than a man who's afraid of what he feels for her.
So what if she wasn't enough for Jeff fucking Winger? Annie Edison has plans to go out and make a difference and change the world (maybe thinking of herself in third person is kind of weird but she's going with it) and maybe he's just not enough for her.
And thinking that feels good.
It feels really, really good (and maybe kind of sad but mostly good).
Because she feels that shift again, that change that's inside of her and she doesn't feel so unsettled anymore. She feels better about herself because now she has a plan. Now she knows what she wants and she's determined to see it though.
She's going to do what she should've done years ago (no matter how much her heart protests) because this year has been all about growing up and being mature and she's been wearing pants all year for God's sake and it's about time to not only act grown up but to be grown up and that means letting go and moving on and finally putting herself first.
That thought also makes her feel good.
Now that she doesn't feel so unsettled as much as just how exhausted she is and she closes her eyes and shifts to get comfortable because she's finally going to get some sleep.
She falls asleep to thoughts and hopes of what's waiting for her in the future; success taking shape in the form of labs and science and solving crimes and justice and actually making a difference in the world. And maybe, just maybe, as she finally succumbs to unconsciousness (and maybe she's also too far gone to take any notice) there's a brief flash of hope in the shape of a very tall someone with a two foot height disparity that's there by her side.
AN: This was shorter than I hoped it would be. I actually originally wanted to do an Annie-centric piece but Jeff came out and I still wanted to do Annie and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be but here it is!
I don't have a beta so if you see any grammatical errors please let me know (politely) and I'll fix them.
Hope you guys enjoy this one! :)
Review please!