Making It My Fault
Friday October 19th 2001 approx 11:11 p.m.
Confused
Authours note= *Seeing a group tear themselves apart is to much for her to handle. And she cant just turn around and play middle ground.*
Disclamer- The story line is mine IAHB is not.
Okay, so people dont really know me. I walk around like I can handle all this 'bad stuff' but it eats aay at me, and no one knows. Nobody knows the 'Real Me' I volunteer my holdiay mornings at a homeless shelter in a neighboring town, and I put money aside to give to childrens homes. I know how it feels to be alone, even thought I have a 'family'. I've sat in the dark and wondered why I was unwanted, unloved even. I'm yet to recive an answer, if you know, would yo mind sharring the info?
Anyways today was like a normal day I walked into the EMS station to rag on Jamie and also to give Val a book I borrowed, it was a school book not some "50 ways to say YAY" kinda book. Anywyas Val was on the couch Hank was on the other side of it, Jamie was on the table and Tyler on the love seat. They all looked pissed and so I held my breath for a few moments before I spoke. I thought carefully about my words I could ask 'whats wrong' but that would wipe off a little of the paint I hide myself under. So I choose someting 'normal *haha*. "hey, whats up in over achiever land". "Catie shut up" muttered Tyler. "Ow did I hita nerve whats going on" I ask like I could care less, and maybe I dont care I really cant tell. "Tylers an an IDIOt" Val yelled. "Yeah well your not all thatgreat yourself pom pom" Tyler shot back. "Yeah well look whos talking football BOY I dont even know why you guys wear helments it's not like theres anything to damage" Val said snydley with a laugh. "Hey Val shut up" Hank. "You guys are the whinist bunch, ooh ohh I'm an over achiever life is SOOOOO hard, mommy buy me a car, wah I got an A wheres the plus wahh wahh wahh" Jamie mocked. "Yeah well at least we arent some slacker low life" Hank. "Yeah Jamie leave the spiked hair for the boy bands" Val. "Yeah okay miss go fight we suck like you have room to talk about hair" Tyler. And that began an hour of whinny, screamming jack ass'. After talking to them all over time i kind of discovered how it all got started. Rumours had got started about Val and fake breasts and screwing Jamie in the shower, Hank and cheating, Tyler and being a player, and Jamie and well being a typical slacker who secretly loves Val. Thats the just of it but their was apparently more rumors. Of course they figured the rumors had been started by eachother, or so they guessed. I could personally care less. I dont care when people start rumors about me, I've heard them before and I could care less what people think about me.
So know I sit here trying to decide what to do. I'm at home, in the dark, and I know what I'll do. I head out the window and walk through the cold rain and the wind. It's not that bad. I walk through the doors. Their still not talking all just reading or doing homework.
I close my eyes and hold my breath they I exhale and open my eyes. "I did it" I state. They look at me curosity apparent. "I did it Istarted the rumors" I sya. "Why" they ask curiosity, anger, and maybe a little guilt mixed in. "Hey, you know me. I got bored so I said why not. Unpredictable" I mutter, I force a grin. The hurt angry confused looks on their faces eats away at me, it wil be forever etched in my mind this way. The "I hate yous" hang in the air I look at my feet spin on my toe and leave, acting like I dont care, but finally I know I do, it hurts...alot. I hear "I'm sorrys" so i smile, not forced and continue on my way. I dont know where I'm headed, but I can tell it's not home, I couldnt stand to see the faces so at least this way I can be despised and hurting from a distance.
It's funny Jamie once said I painted myself black. He said Thats why I dressed so darkley to mirror the way I attempted to act But that my skin gave it away, light and precious. he made me blush so hard I was red for days. Maybe that pain, that intensly pure pain is starting to make the paint run and maybe i wont paint it back on. It's funny i dont know who started it, and rignt now I dont care even though I had 4 people who only confided in me for a part of a day. And I was the only one who was not involved, i was blameless in this situation. Until I opened my mouth and started Making This My Fault.
Friday October 19th 2001 approx 11:11 p.m.
Confused
Authours note= *Seeing a group tear themselves apart is to much for her to handle. And she cant just turn around and play middle ground.*
Disclamer- The story line is mine IAHB is not.
Okay, so people dont really know me. I walk around like I can handle all this 'bad stuff' but it eats aay at me, and no one knows. Nobody knows the 'Real Me' I volunteer my holdiay mornings at a homeless shelter in a neighboring town, and I put money aside to give to childrens homes. I know how it feels to be alone, even thought I have a 'family'. I've sat in the dark and wondered why I was unwanted, unloved even. I'm yet to recive an answer, if you know, would yo mind sharring the info?
Anyways today was like a normal day I walked into the EMS station to rag on Jamie and also to give Val a book I borrowed, it was a school book not some "50 ways to say YAY" kinda book. Anywyas Val was on the couch Hank was on the other side of it, Jamie was on the table and Tyler on the love seat. They all looked pissed and so I held my breath for a few moments before I spoke. I thought carefully about my words I could ask 'whats wrong' but that would wipe off a little of the paint I hide myself under. So I choose someting 'normal *haha*. "hey, whats up in over achiever land". "Catie shut up" muttered Tyler. "Ow did I hita nerve whats going on" I ask like I could care less, and maybe I dont care I really cant tell. "Tylers an an IDIOt" Val yelled. "Yeah well your not all thatgreat yourself pom pom" Tyler shot back. "Yeah well look whos talking football BOY I dont even know why you guys wear helments it's not like theres anything to damage" Val said snydley with a laugh. "Hey Val shut up" Hank. "You guys are the whinist bunch, ooh ohh I'm an over achiever life is SOOOOO hard, mommy buy me a car, wah I got an A wheres the plus wahh wahh wahh" Jamie mocked. "Yeah well at least we arent some slacker low life" Hank. "Yeah Jamie leave the spiked hair for the boy bands" Val. "Yeah okay miss go fight we suck like you have room to talk about hair" Tyler. And that began an hour of whinny, screamming jack ass'. After talking to them all over time i kind of discovered how it all got started. Rumours had got started about Val and fake breasts and screwing Jamie in the shower, Hank and cheating, Tyler and being a player, and Jamie and well being a typical slacker who secretly loves Val. Thats the just of it but their was apparently more rumors. Of course they figured the rumors had been started by eachother, or so they guessed. I could personally care less. I dont care when people start rumors about me, I've heard them before and I could care less what people think about me.
So know I sit here trying to decide what to do. I'm at home, in the dark, and I know what I'll do. I head out the window and walk through the cold rain and the wind. It's not that bad. I walk through the doors. Their still not talking all just reading or doing homework.
I close my eyes and hold my breath they I exhale and open my eyes. "I did it" I state. They look at me curosity apparent. "I did it Istarted the rumors" I sya. "Why" they ask curiosity, anger, and maybe a little guilt mixed in. "Hey, you know me. I got bored so I said why not. Unpredictable" I mutter, I force a grin. The hurt angry confused looks on their faces eats away at me, it wil be forever etched in my mind this way. The "I hate yous" hang in the air I look at my feet spin on my toe and leave, acting like I dont care, but finally I know I do, it hurts...alot. I hear "I'm sorrys" so i smile, not forced and continue on my way. I dont know where I'm headed, but I can tell it's not home, I couldnt stand to see the faces so at least this way I can be despised and hurting from a distance.
It's funny Jamie once said I painted myself black. He said Thats why I dressed so darkley to mirror the way I attempted to act But that my skin gave it away, light and precious. he made me blush so hard I was red for days. Maybe that pain, that intensly pure pain is starting to make the paint run and maybe i wont paint it back on. It's funny i dont know who started it, and rignt now I dont care even though I had 4 people who only confided in me for a part of a day. And I was the only one who was not involved, i was blameless in this situation. Until I opened my mouth and started Making This My Fault.